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Original poster

How do you deal with being bossy/rudeness in children?

30 replies

Jayparrot · 21/03/2021 07:06

Just that really as I don't really know what approach to take. DS is 5 and generally lovely but can be very dictatorial - I.e saying things like "we have to do what I want to do" and demanding DH and I don't talk to one another. He is mainly like this at the weekends when the three of us are together most of the day - during the week when it is mostly just me with him or occasionally just DS with him he is a lot less bossy and a lot more reasonable. It's funny because to other children he wouldn't say boo to a goose - he's like this with adults only (he can be like it with his grandparents and aunties and uncles too, bossing them about and demanding they do x,y,z).

How do you deal with that sort of thing in a way that actually works?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 21/03/2021 07:10

It’s about firm boundaries. He can say what he likes but it doesn’t mean you have to give him what he wants.

If he tries to stop you talking you very clearly say “let me just finish talking to your dad and then I will listen to you” keep it clear and consistent.

Whatalottachocca · 21/03/2021 07:11

You use your assertive voice and say “don’t speak to me like that, it’s rude” then carry on what you were doing and with the plans you have made.

Starlive23 · 21/03/2021 07:12

No advice but could have written this post myself op so watching with interest.

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Northernsoullover · 21/03/2021 07:13

What do you do when he tells you not to talk to your husband? I would just say 'don't be so rude I'll talk to whoever I want to' just keep reinforcing it.
My brother would probably concede. He brought my niece over for the night, the following day as he was drinking some tea she said 'I want to go home right now' . He put his tea on the table and said 'looks like I'm going' she was probably around 5 or 6. He was absolutely pathetic around his children.

Original poster
Jayparrot · 21/03/2021 07:15

OK so that's essentially what we already do, say don't be so rude and don't acquiesce to his demands! I assumed that was the correct approach to take but it doesn't seem to actually have much impact.

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 21/03/2021 07:17

It will. Just keep it up. He'll grow out of it.

Original poster
Jayparrot · 21/03/2021 07:17

He's OK if I warn him, like if I say "Daddy and I are going to have a conversation now so you will need to wait until we are finished" but obviously I can't do that every time we have a conversation.

OP posts:
Bluewavescrashing · 21/03/2021 07:17

Just say no.

Or, you are not in charge.

I'm an infant teacher and will out-boss any of my class but my DCs still try it on. They get a fierce teacher look when they do.

tuliprosedaffodil · 21/03/2021 07:19

I generally use my very stern, low, quiet 'Mum' voice, give a big frown and say 'I do hope you weren't speaking to me in that rude way? We don't speak rudely in this family!'

Firm, firm boundaries.

Five year olds can be quite dictatorial I've found so far! Mine has ASD so she's much more rigid thinking and blunt than most. I then have to give her an explanation as to why whatever she's said is rude, and why we don't speak like that. Works though she doesn't often do it again (just slightly different, then we start again!).

Whatalottachocca · 21/03/2021 07:19

If he continues to interrupt your conversation send him to his room/give him a time out, until you’ve finished.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 21/03/2021 07:19

It's a phase. Just keep giving the message that he is not in charge and he will grow out of it. (Until he is a teenager anyway when it starts again)

May17th · 21/03/2021 07:20

I think rather than just say “Don’t be rude to your dad”. I think you maybe need to explain OP. As in we cannot do that at the moment because we are going here... tell your DS that he has to wait or he cannot just demand things as he cannot always have his own way at that particular time.

MaMaD1990 · 21/03/2021 07:22

Just be consistent with what you're doing and he'll soon grow out of it. He probably just wants to be the centre of everything so trying to asset himself. To be honest, I probably wouldn't even warn him you're going to start a conversation, he needs to learn people can have a chat without his involvement or interruption.

SexyGiraffe · 21/03/2021 07:22

To echo other posters, I just explain, in the moment, what is acceptable - I try and keep it about what is normal behaviour for all of us, rather than just saying what DD should and shouldn't do (because then I'm demonstrating exactly the behaviour I'm asking her to stop). I would say something like, "DD, Daddy and I are going to have a conversation now. We want to play with you, but we also need to spend some time talking to each other. It's not kind to tell us that we can't talk to each other."

Ahbahbahbah · 21/03/2021 07:24

After two years of “that was rude”, “no, I’m in charge” etc etc we can now just respond with “try again” and he will rephrase whatever it is he’s on about. So it does get better but takes a while.

Whiskeylover45 · 21/03/2021 07:26

My three year old recently when through a similar phase. I kept saying firmly "don't you dare be so rude. It is not your job to tell grown ups what to do. You are a child, we are grownups. Grownups tell you what to do to keep you safe and teach you. When you are older you can do that, but not now." Rinse and repeat. He's more or less stopped now

Northernsoullover · 21/03/2021 07:26

Oh god no don't warn him. You are giving him far too much power. Can you imagine an adult warning their spouse that they were going to speak to someone,? Carry on and tell him its rude to interrupt. For goodness sake please don't tiptoe around him.

Divebar2021 · 21/03/2021 07:27

I would be a bit more direct “ daddy and I are talking “ and then immediately carry on the conversation before directing your attention. If he’s demanding you do something I would also be saying “ excuse me, who do you think you’re talking to! ?” Or something along those lines. I don’t spend too long on explanations though ( eg we’re just talking and when I finish..... etc etc) because by the time you’ve finished you have in fact interrupted your conversation and directed your attention to him which is what the demand was in the first place.

Northernsoullover · 21/03/2021 07:30

@Divebar2021

I would be a bit more direct “ daddy and I are talking “ and then immediately carry on the conversation before directing your attention. If he’s demanding you do something I would also be saying “ excuse me, who do you think you’re talking to! ?” Or something along those lines. I don’t spend too long on explanations though ( eg we’re just talking and when I finish..... etc etc) because by the time you’ve finished you have in fact interrupted your conversation and directed your attention to him which is what the demand was in the first place.
Yes! Short and sharp. To the point. I hate flowery explanations.
Original poster
Jayparrot · 21/03/2021 07:31

We don't do explanations. We learned from experience that if you do explanations you get into a long involved debate with him.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 21/03/2021 07:38

As well as being very firm and clear at the time it happens you could also away from that try some role play to practise the expected behaviours in situations

VashtaNerada · 21/03/2021 07:38

I agree with firm boundaries and consistency. From a teacher perspective I would add:

  • teaching turn-taking. This might need to start with something very simple like a game of Snap. It then becomes easier to say “it’s my turn now” in conversation.
  • Allow him to make some choices (carefully orchestrated by you) to manage that feeling of powerlessness that little children can have. “Shall we have cheese or ham sandwiches?” “Do you want the green top or the purple top?” “Shall we walk this way to the park or the other way?” etc
  • Create some times in the day where he has your complete attention and refer to them “after Daddy and I have done this, it’s our reading time”.

It will take time - 5 year olds really do think they’re the centre of the universe (imagine what it’s like teaching 30 of them!!) but he’ll get there.

GreenBalaclava · 21/03/2021 07:46

This is a normal phase, and I think it's also normal that he doesn't seem to be changing his behaviour yet despite your best attempts. In fact this is the thing that is most surprising / depressing about being a parent. When I think of the number of times over the years I've had to remind my DC to say please or thank you or put their plate in the dishwasher or whatever I despair!! Surely they should get the hang of it quicker than this?! But it does work eventually so don't give up OP.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/03/2021 07:48

@Northernsoullover

It will. Just keep it up. He'll grow out of it.
This.

He's 5. It's only little. As long as you aren't accepting it, and explaining why it's not ok to say this, he'll learn.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/03/2021 07:49

@Whiskeylover45

My three year old recently when through a similar phase. I kept saying firmly "don't you dare be so rude. It is not your job to tell grown ups what to do. You are a child, we are grownups. Grownups tell you what to do to keep you safe and teach you. When you are older you can do that, but not now." Rinse and repeat. He's more or less stopped now
Gosh, your poor 3 yo. You can say all of that, much less harshly. At 3 they are learning - and also learning about compassion & kindness. You can teach them these in your response to them.
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