I think I've forgotten how to be happy, how do you do it?

[73kittycat73]

I've had anxiety and depression problems from a very young age. I am getting (Yet more) CBT for the depression symptoms in about 6-8 weeks. I am not desperate for this or need immediate help-I am safe. I have been living this way for so long. Today, after the disappointment of not winning the Lottery again (I feel like it could give me the opportunity to cure myself of all my problems, Ie, private counselling, EMDR, etc.) I was trying to think what made me happy and this is what I wrote in my journal-How to be happy? 'But things make you happy, don't they?' If it not things, how do you be happy inside? Can you be happy for no reason?
Can anybody tell me what it means to be happy to you, and how you get there? I don't know how any more.

Well I'm probably not much help tbh as I'm in a similar position to you. I'm back in counselling for trauma from childhood and abandonment etc however I do find that my main problem is comparing myself to everyone else. So I avoid social media, especially Facebook. I try to think of three positives every day, I also get outside for a walk or exercise as much as possible as I've found I'm much more stable when I do this. X

Unfortunately some of it is innate. Some people are just more content.

However, there are tricks to try to increase happiness. Something to hope and plan for. Holidays are good but you can buy guide books, plan a route, cost it out without actually going. Sleep, exercise, healthy food. Makes a huge difference. Doing things for others, especially people who really need it. Be outside, particularly near water or wide open spaces. Smile, even if you don't feel it.

What actually makes me happier though are the simple things, taking time for myself. Drawing, watching birds, nature and saying no, instead of yes all the time. Realising that I can't control everything or what people think of me, but choosing how I react.

Thank you for your reply CantGetNoSleep73, and sorry to hear you are going through the same. I don't have most SM, just twitter, and I very rarely use it. (Got hacked into on FB years ago so closed my account and never opened a new one.)
I like the idea of three positives a day.
As for going outside, I am agoraphobic. However, just lately I have been to the local shop three times with my mum (We live in the same building and I'm ok to go if she's in and the door is left open. Obviously if she goes with me we have to shut the door and that's a big worry for me.) and we are going again tomorrow.

Why is shutting the door a worry? Is it a 'being locked out' thing?

I think you have to start with finding some happiness in the moment, right now, in the really simple things, eg. I have a mini tub of Haagen Dazs and we are about to find a movie to watch, so right now, I’m happy.

I was happy earlier today - I cleared a border in my garden of weeds, and I spent 15 minutes looking at it and watch the birds at the bird feeder.

Thank you MrsTerryPratchett
And CantGetNoSleep73 I really must learn how to say @No,' too! I love my mum, but she puts a lot of responsibilty on me, I take the mental load, and gets me to do all sorts of physical things for her. I have to change her bed and do a lot for her which goes to the detriment of my energy then I have none left to do what I want to do.

Yes MrsTerryPratchett It's stopping me from getting home (My agoraphobia is not open spaces, but being away from home.). The locks aren't brilliant anyway.
Thank you for your reply KitchenFairy. Your garden sounds lovely. Funnily enough we are doing ours at the moment. I hope to get out there a lot when the weather warms up. I like your idea to find happiness in the moment.

I dont think it's being happy that is important. It's more important to be content and much more achievable. So right now in the UK I would say very few people are happy although they may have happy moments in their day or week. The best most of us can achieve is content. At the moment life is a challenge but I know it won't be forever and I have food shelter and can go outside and can read/watch TV etc. So things are OK but not more than that.

Thank you helpfulperson (Apt username! ) I don't even know how to be content! Be grateful for things/items? Or for people? Is being content the same as being pleased? Sorry if I sound silly, I've been so flat (Intersepted with panic) for so long...

I try to get out in the garden as much as possible, when the sun is shining , even now when it's quite chilly as long as there's no cold wind I sit out with my coat on, watch the birds , read a book . Even in February I have enjoyed feeling the sun on my face where the garden is sheltered .

I also try to pop outside, or at least to stand with the kitchen door open when I have my first cup of tea in the morning .

Never compare oneself or ones life to anyone else. Everyone is totally unique. Keep off Facebook...I hate it.

I've had bad periods in my life, truly. Nowadays I'm happy if I get sleep, it's wonderful. Every day I wake up I feel thankful that my body is well, that my organs and systems work, that I am not housebound or disabled or in hospital, that I have a home, food to eat. I take absolutely nothing for granted. To have your physical health is to have riches. Mental health takes some work for many of us.

It is going to sound trite but I take pleasure in sunshine, watching trees and flowers unfold, seeing a new puppy, a new baby, having a joke with someone in a shop, art, amazing books, music, good films, nature in general, walking through a park, hearing children playing and laughing...

In short, looking outwards to how much in the world is wonderful, clever and beautiful...and not inside to my despair, problems and worry, and to know that the vileness and awful, terrible things in the world are outweighed by the good.

It doesn't make it right, it doesn't take away your experiences but it helps to look at life from a different angle and perspective...and take yourself out of it all, be an observer.

I observe and appreciate and enjoy others happiness...I observe life, I appreciate what I do have and forgive myself for not having what I would have liked to have had. I accept I'm flawed but still enjoy the everyday small things. Now content, but it took a long time to get here. I hope you do OP.

Yes, I could do with getting out in the fresh air more shinynewapple21

I think winning the lottery would be a dream for most people but it’s the small things that make me happy. I like watching a movie with dh and planning movie treats and pizza. I am happy when I don’t have to cook and we get a cheeky takeaway or when I accomplish a task like painting a room or cutting the grass which can be challenging with 2 dc. Snuggling in bed with the dc on a weekend morning makes me happy too. I don’t think anybody can feel happy all of the time, that is impossible and if we didn’t feel sadness how would be know what joy was. It is definitely a balancing act and the bad days do make the good days shine brighter. I hope you find a brighter day soon op

Thank you so much leavingtime, That was a beautiful post and really helpful. I shall take a lot from it.

Oh and health and sleep make such a huge difference too. If I have a bad sleep I am grumpy the next day.

I think the mind set of your glass is half full helps.
I'm disabled but less disabled than others so that is something to be thankfull for.

My work also brings me lots of happiness and actually makes me feel pretty grateful every day.

I've been agoraphobic in the past, now I'm not so I'm happy about that.

For me it's being grateful for who I am and not so much of what I've got.

I forgot...I think being busy, having a project/ a purpose no matter how small is very beneficial too. Potting up some plants, growing tomatoes, doing a drawing, decorating a room, making a cushion cover, knitting a scarf, making greetings cards.....so many things to do, to distract and lose yourself in. And the feeling of achievement afterwards at a finished article.

Personally I love gardening, growing veg and flowers, filling planters, and doing up/repainting bits of furniture [from charity shop usually]. Sometimes keeping busy is the key.

Currently painting a wickerwork chair...such a pain but is looking good. And growing 3 sunflower seeds which are doing well indoors and are going to be massive this summer! All the best kittycat

I think @shinynewapple21 suggestion is a good mindset. 'In an ideal world I'd go for a hill walk and then to the pub for a drink but I cant so I took my morning tea to the door and that was nice'

And honestly, I'd stop playing the lottery.

It's making you unhappy. Save the money and eventually you can afford therapy. I know it's a very long term goal but actually more likely than winning the lottery.

I have had depression and anxiety and second the “happiness of small things” write a list of things that give you small pleasure. For me it is clean sheets on the bed, a long soak in the bath, a new book to read, a walk in the spring sunshine on my own, a crappy comfort tea. Try to factor in at least one small pleasure a day. You almost relearn happiness again that way. Hths x

Do you have any hobbies? I certainly feel more content when I'm doing things I enjoy. Do you like birds, have a garden etc if so a bird feeder and observing the birds that come can bring lots of joy (or does me) I'm sorry I didn't see the agoraphobic bit, i don't like crowds of people, or going out tbh but I love walking the moors and hills where I live. I think happiness is fleeting and being content is what I try to achieve.

Your going to big with a lottery win.

Start with 5 things in a day that you like to do:

Cup of coffee in the morning
Having a shower
Wearing your best perfume
Watching a good film
Eating cake

All those things right there, make me happy
Therefore I am happy

Happy is a doing, so do happy things

I too have anxiety, fight off depression and a crap childhood. I have awful flashbacks and not many good memories.

So I have to look and create happy all the time.

I find doing sensual things make me happier.
Going for walks

Honestly just start small. Everyday find 5 things to do that you like and that is the start of your happiness.

@73kittycat73 I could really relate to your post and have very much felt the same way. I was always someone who I think suffered with anxiety and depression to a degree, but it has become so much worse in the last few years after the breakup of an emotionally abusive relationship. I think lockdown has also made things so much worse for many of us because one day just seems to blend into the next.

For me I have had to learn to take things one day at a time and find joy in the small things. Like you, I also find it difficult to say no and it's something I have had to get better at. Like others have said, I also came off all social media because I found it was just making me worse because I was constantly comparing my life to other people's.

Is there any low cost therapy near you? I know that some therapists can offer a sliding scale when it comes to fees. Sorry I can't be of more help OP but just to let you know that you aren't alone