I think I've forgotten how to be happy, how do you do it?

[73kittycat73]

I've had anxiety and depression problems from a very young age. I am getting (Yet more) CBT for the depression symptoms in about 6-8 weeks. I am not desperate for this or need immediate help-I am safe. I have been living this way for so long. Today, after the disappointment of not winning the Lottery again (I feel like it could give me the opportunity to cure myself of all my problems, Ie, private counselling, EMDR, etc.) I was trying to think what made me happy and this is what I wrote in my journal-How to be happy? 'But things make you happy, don't they?' If it not things, how do you be happy inside? Can you be happy for no reason?
Can anybody tell me what it means to be happy to you, and how you get there? I don't know how any more.

For me its no social media, or anything that makes me compare myself to others. I try to not surround myself with negative people, this can be difficult, my mum can be negative and it can bring me down. I try and get out for a walk everyday or even just into the garden. I like to have a project so I've just got into gardening, growing veg and flowers I find hours can pass by and I feel like I have achieved something and some fresh air!
I love reading, a nice glass of wine, nice candles. I try every night to remind myself of what I have achieved and what I will do tomorrow even if its something small

Happiness for me, is the moment to moment experience of something that could be quite small and unspectacular. It isn't something inside myself. It's an interaction between oneself and the world. It might vanish in moment and then it's gone so you need to try to notice it while it's there.
It could be catching a beautiful view or smell. Hearing an uplifting song. A moment of laughter with someone. A smile and a chat with a stranger in the park.
I don't think you can be happy by striving to be happy, you need to stop struggling with emotions and just have them.
Relationships can make you happy or unhappy though, so if they are making you unhappy that does need attention.

I like to think of happiness as my default state. So it is the absence of things making me unhappy rather than the presence of things making me happy. So it goes:

Absence of pain
Absence of people being a pain/making life complicated
Not being taken for granted
Not being rushed or pressured
Not being cooped up all day with no exercise
Not being stressed about lack of time/money

Then once you have got to that default state you can turbo boost your happiness with the things like helping other people, glass of wine, the sense of a job well done, growing something, making something beautiful, a compliment. But I don't think the "things" are always enough on their own if other things aren't right.
'

• hope
• taking on challenges, learning new skills
• accepting myself
• working towards things
• not comparing myself to others
• doing things I enjoy, that feel worthwhile
• being treated with respect

I started a few years ago to just take stock at random times and check in with myself. I suffer from anxiety and being able to notice that the majority of time, I’m okay at this particular moment helped me find perspective. It’s a constant practice but over the years I’ve grown to be content, and happy a lot of the time.

I feel like it’s something I have to do in spite of myself. My brain produces unhelpful chemicals and accompanying thoughts but I can still choose to reject them. That probably sounds deranged but honestly learning that I could challenge my thoughts and moods has been life changing.

Some great suggestions so far in terms of health and lifestyle choices. They have such an impact for me on my happiness.

I've also read somewhere that focusing on 'why am I not happy' or trying to be happy is actually counterproductive sometimes. So doing something active like volunteering or socialising or decorating - whatever. I don't always follow this advice myself but I try to, and I do think action of any kind helps stop me wallowing and ruminating which i have a tendency to do sometimes.

By the way I hope I haven't offended anyone by using the term wallowing -- I absolutely don't think that's what people with depression do. I know it's an illness. Just speaking about my own experience

I don't know how helpful this is, because maybe depression just blocks things from making you happy?

But for me - I've been quite sad and lonely due to a breakup a month ago. Today what made me happy was walking into town in the sunshine, getting a sausage bap and a cuppa from a hole-in-the-wall café, sitting on a bench by the river enjoying the taste and watching the ducks/passers-by. Then going to the little vegan store, and sharing a funny anecdote with the shopkeeper who I vaguely know.

I actively try to reinforce my happy memories. Its easy to focus on the bad. I have two 'games' I play:

• each night, before bed, I think of three tiny things that day that I'm proud of, and three things that I'm happy/glad of. Usually the glad list involves at least one food item - I love good food. Occasionally I amuse myself by getting more imaginative, like "I'm glad that the world isn't being attacked by aliens. That would be horrible".

• sometimes while lying awake, I play the happy memory game. I randomly pick a number and a unit of time (days/months/years). E.g. 3 months. Then try to remember a good part of that time. 3 months ago we had a beautiful walk on Christmas Day with snowflakes swirling around.

Sometimes helping other people is a real boost. Not necessarily the daily grind tasks with your mum but could you cook for the homeless or donate to a food bank? I’ve totally sunk this last lockdown & a bit of volunteering has been the only thing that improved my mood.

It sounds like your anxiety is making your life very constrained. The more you can work on that, the more new experiences, including happy ones, you'll be able to have.

But I've also had times when I've been housebound due to illness. What helped me then was -

• time outside in the garden
• noticing the intricate magic of small natural things, eg. Watching a spider build a web
• online hobbies where I was learning and interacting with people
• good films and box sets

Thank you all so very much for your input. I have read them all and will try and take tips to do. I really appreciate you are helping me, a stranger, on the internet. That's at least one thing to be happy about/grateful for today.