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Original poster

Do you pass on news of a death?

44 replies

TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish · 16/03/2021 22:02

I found out this afternoon that a very old friend (think 40+yrs) died a few weeks ago, the funeral was this morning, live streamed. I would have logged on, she was a lovely, lovely woman. We last met up 2 yrs ago when she was working near here, and stayed over with me. We had been work colleagues at the start of our careers and were a tight group for a few years.

She had an aggressive and rapidly progressing cancer - kicking myself that due to my own family stuff and COVID I hadn't been in touch with her since that visit. Ironically I was about to get in touch and just looked at her FB (which she didn't really use) and saw she'd died.

I emailed the woman who had been our team leader, again, we'd stayed in touch enough to send congrats on big things like new jobs (she went on to big things in the industry, I later worked for her in a different company) to say I was sorry, I'd just found this out. Turns out she knew, had logged into the funeral. She'd had work related contact with our friend more recently than me so had stayed in closer contact, it hadn't occurred to her to tell me she'd died.

I'm just disappointed and surprised she didn't think to let me know.

This is the second time something like this has happened, years ago I sent a Xmas card to an old boss and his wife - got a message back from him saying she'd died a few months previously. When I mentioned it to mutual friends they said "we wondered why you weren't at the funeral"

I think I'm probably hyperaware about this because I was so gutted the first time it happened (because this guy's wife had been very kind to me and I would have loved to be there to pay my respects) but my instinct, if I hear a mutual friend has died, is to contact friends who might not be in the loop.

Am I weird? Don't people pass on this information?

OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 16/03/2021 22:03

Maybe they thought you already knew?

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

AndeanMountainCat · 16/03/2021 22:05

You’re not weird. I would be upset too. Sorry for your losses.

SunshineCake · 16/03/2021 22:06

I had a call last month to tell me someone I worked for had died. I worked for the person who called me at the same time and then a couple more years after, and we have once a year contact, so I would say yes, I think they should have thought to tell you. Flowers.

steppemum · 16/03/2021 22:09

yes. I pass it on, as I have also been in the position of not knowing.

I think people just don't think it is up to them, but there are always people the family don;t know about

Original poster
TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish · 16/03/2021 22:12

I think that's probably the clincher isn't it @steppemum - once you've been the person who hasn't been told then you are very aware that people WANT to know!

OP posts:
DelurkingAJ · 16/03/2021 22:15

I share...and have done a couple of times recently on a ‘you may not have known X (who was three years above us at school)...’. I would hope people would and often they do. It’s good to be able to send a card if nothing else, I know I appreciated them when DDad died.

GreenClock · 16/03/2021 22:16

People might assume you know somehow.

I think there’s also an element of not wanting to be the bearer of bad news, nor to be seen as a grief hag. I think the latter can be particularly problematic on social media.

I’m sorry for your loss.

BramStoker · 16/03/2021 22:17

I think it's harder at the moment when we aren't seeing many people so news perhaps doesn't filter down in the way it usually would

Yes I would pass on news of a death to people who I thought didn't know but its tricky to know who has and hasn't already been told so can see how occasionally someone doesn't find out til after the funeral

Hidinginstaircupboard · 16/03/2021 22:18

It's sad you've missed the funerals of your old work colleagues. But .. Covid.. people are more isolated than usual... and also.., funerals are hard to arrange ..,

As the most grieving relative arranging things you have to find out who to contact, what their details are and unless an established very close friend you may not be known. The most grieving affected relatives making arrangements are focused on close family and known long standing close friends

I've arranged my sisters funeral, pre Covid, it was tough and after ringing 50+ relatives in my list and 30+ friends I could find numbers for and hope that her work colleagues shared to those closest to her at work. I was exhausted devastated and could only do so much

So maybe forgive yourself and don't think about how you missed out by not attending a close friends and family funeral, maybe do your own goodbye thing for your friend

Kindlethefourth · 16/03/2021 22:20

Slightly off topic but some funeral services can be accessed for a few weeks after the funeral date digitally.

GNCQ · 16/03/2021 22:23

It's almost certainly because of Covid.

Hidinginstaircupboard · 16/03/2021 22:26

I wanted to make that point that it's the most upset distressed and one of closest relative arranging the funeral. Outside people who knew someone a bit, even though it'd be lovely for them to say their goodbyes and show respect, don't even register on scale of who to find numbers for (if even known as a contact) for those arranging funeral .

When you have held your relatives hand when they died or got that call ... and cried your way home ... then had to ring 60+ people within 12 hours afterwards to hear "their upset" but share the news (not even comparable to yours) before some
Arsehole puts it on their Facebook feed- and try to get through next 10 days arranging a funeral when you can barely keep it together. It's a oracle you can ensure all of the most important people are there... let alone ensuring all random people who may have known and liked deceased person (but kit particular close) will also find out about funeral arrangements,,?

Original poster
TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish · 16/03/2021 22:34

I would never have expected her relatives to let me know @Hidinginstaircupboard - I've arranged both of my parents funerals so know the drill. It was the ex work colleague that shocked me - why on earth did it not occur to her to contact me? my first instinct was to contact her. That's what I was checking out - was my instinct to tell the people who knew, and liked, her the odd one? do people pass on news of deaths (not including family) ?

OP posts:
CornishTiger · 16/03/2021 22:35

I’d have expected mutual friends /colleagues to have mentioned it. Yes.

ImInStealthMode · 16/03/2021 22:38

@Hidinginstaircupboard Assuming that's from experience I'm sorry for your loss, but the OP wasn't suggesting a close relative of the deceased have told her, just ex-colleagues who already knew, and yes they should have. I'm sorry OP that they didn't.

I heard of the death of an acquaintance my age recently. My first instinct was to call a couple of colleagues who I know are friendly with his Dad and let them know. Not with the funeral in mind, just so they knew and could either send condolences or at the very least not barrel in with 'So how're the kids?' next time they spoke to him. I always think it's much easier for the news to spread organically than it being the families responsibility to keep having to share it over and over again.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 16/03/2021 22:43

I would pass it on, and would expect it to be passed on. It's a normal courtesy.

I wouldn't expect the close relatives to do so personally, but someone from the same friendship group? Yes.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 16/03/2021 22:48

In fact, I thought that part of the deal was that as the closest relatives tell people (closest first), those people then take on the responsibility for telling the contacts who they have links with. Thus sharing the burden.

(E.g. If the deceased was a member of a club, you'd ring their main friend at the club, and ask that person to sensitively share the news with all those who were linked to the deceased through the club)

That's how it has been done with every funeral/death in my experience, for people very close to me and further away. Are there really such shits who will hear the news and NOT volunteer to help with the communications in any way they can?

Hidinginstaircupboard · 17/03/2021 05:26

Sorry , just re read and OP said was an old friend of 40 years

Yes, I would expect other friends to pass on news of funeral if for some reason relative arranging funeral didn't know of you, but that can also be awkward. If it's someone you aren't in touch with regularly or in proximity to their lives/ family/other friends, then sadly this happens

I imagine this has been worse in Covid lockdown times than before.

Just do something nice , special to your friend/your memories, to say your goodbyes.

SunshineCake · 17/03/2021 06:34

After dh was ill we have both written in a book all the things the other needs to know and part of that is the people needing to be informed, who we want to be told and who we definitely don't want at the funeral. After my recent news it has come home to me even more that there isn't always more time.

LApprentiSorcier · 17/03/2021 06:45

It's awkward if it isn't really your news to tell - if you're not related to the deceased, or a very close friend. So I probably wouldn't pass something like this on to people at work, unless I'd been asked to by someone who was close to the deceased.

Billandben444 · 17/03/2021 06:58

Yes, your colleague could have passed the news on. Are you all in a FB group as that would have been one way to make sure the sad news was shared. I'm sorry for your loss.

StepOutOfLine · 17/03/2021 07:03

It's hard really.
Covid and everything else aside, I think if I weren't told, then I'd just put it down to obviously not being as close to that person maybe as I'd imagined. I'm not saying that's what this situation was, but sometimes it could be.
In answer to the question in the OP, I wouldn't pass on the "news" of anyone's death unless specifically asked to.

Original poster
TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish · 17/03/2021 07:16

@LApprentiSorcier

It's awkward if it isn't really your news to tell - if you're not related to the deceased, or a very close friend. So I probably wouldn't pass something like this on to people at work, unless I'd been asked to by someone who was close to the deceased.
That's interesting - because that must be the view some of my friends have. Whereas I think that obviously people who cared about a person would want to know, send a card etc, and unless someone tells them they won't know!

I don't see the news of a death as belonging to anyone, it's not like the news of a pregnancy.

That's why I asked the question really - am I the odd one out for passing on news of a death?

OP posts:
LApprentiSorcier · 17/03/2021 07:21

I don't see the news of a death as belonging to anyone

I see it as 'belonging to' those who will be devastated by the death rather than saddened.

Flamingolingo · 17/03/2021 07:26

Yes, I do, but only to people I think it might be my responsibility to; not to everyone I know who knew them.

There was a situation recently where a family member announced a death (of a close relative) on Facebook. I frantically called my immediate family in the early hours, but I later found out that another elderly relative found out via Facebook several days later. I’m sad about that because I could have stopped it, but it wasn’t really my place, I had assumed that their closeness to the bereaved meant someone else would have told them.

For you it sounds like you were quite peripheral to this person, and sadly just means you weren’t remembered in the communication, or that everyone else thought you knew.

Where I come from, there are public death notices on display in the town. I always thought that was a good idea but only really works in small close knit communities.

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