Do you pass on news of a death?

[TheOnlyKoiInAPondOfGoldfish]

I found out this afternoon that a very old friend (think 40+yrs) died a few weeks ago, the funeral was this morning, live streamed. I would have logged on, she was a lovely, lovely woman. We last met up 2 yrs ago when she was working near here, and stayed over with me. We had been work colleagues at the start of our careers and were a tight group for a few years.

She had an aggressive and rapidly progressing cancer - kicking myself that due to my own family stuff and COVID I hadn't been in touch with her since that visit. Ironically I was about to get in touch and just looked at her FB (which she didn't really use) and saw she'd died.

I emailed the woman who had been our team leader, again, we'd stayed in touch enough to send congrats on big things like new jobs (she went on to big things in the industry, I later worked for her in a different company) to say I was sorry, I'd just found this out. Turns out she knew, had logged into the funeral. She'd had work related contact with our friend more recently than me so had stayed in closer contact, it hadn't occurred to her to tell me she'd died.

I'm just disappointed and surprised she didn't think to let me know.

This is the second time something like this has happened, years ago I sent a Xmas card to an old boss and his wife - got a message back from him saying she'd died a few months previously. When I mentioned it to mutual friends they said "we wondered why you weren't at the funeral"

I think I'm probably hyperaware about this because I was so gutted the first time it happened (because this guy's wife had been very kind to me and I would have loved to be there to pay my respects) but my instinct, if I hear a mutual friend has died, is to contact friends who might not be in the loop.

Am I weird? Don't people pass on this information?

Where I come from, there are public death notices on display in the town. I always thought that was a good idea but only really works in small close knit communities.

In the 'good old days' deaths were announced in the local paper, including funeral details - pre-internet it was reasonable to assume everyone would see the local paper.

This still happens amongst the older generation - my elderly parents from time to time tell me they've seen in their local paper that so-and-so has died.

One of those things that wasn't broke until social media broke it.

*I don't see the news of a death as belonging to anyone, it's not like the news of a pregnancy.

That's why I asked the question really - am I the odd one out for passing on news of a death?*

Yes you are odd. It's not your news to share, unless related. It's just gossip otherwise and not something that you should do. If you had mattered to the deceased you would know that they were ill and that they had passed. So many seem to get something out of others misfortune, I can't stand that.

When my mum died, it angered me that half the town knew the day it happened as someone who was told in confidence (due to them working with a family member), told everyone they knew. I was then bombarded with messages and demands to attend the funeral.
I wanted to tell people when I was ready, not have that news shared to people that my mum didn't particularly like or know well.
People who weren't family constantly messaging to tell me that they need to be at the funeral (limited to 30, due to Covid) was distressing and quite frankly, rude. Who are they to decide that their grief is more important than the family?

If you are wanted at the funeral, you would've been told. I think perhaps she meant more to you than you to her.

I couldn't disagree with you more @saffire. I don't see news of a death as gossip at all.

My late husband wasn't my property. Many people knew him but not me, through his work etc, and he was much loved and respected.

Once immediate family and very close friends were told, I expected that the news would be disseminated to those who would want to know (this was pre covid) and I'm very glad that that is what happened. I had many lovely cards and messages from people I wouldn't have known to contact myself. And I would have been sad if I'd discovered that someone had missed the news, who would have wanted to be at the funeral (which was open to all).

No-one should be pushing you to invite them to a covid funeral, and the attention vampires are maddening. But the rest of your post I find odd.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum.

@saffire That's unnecessarily harsh.

I'm sorry you struggled and that your experience was made worse by Covid limiting numbers but even very close relatives aren't our personal property. They have other people in their lives who care about them and have a right to know (in good time, not necessarily immediately) and the opportunity to pay their respects and be either saddened or devastated, on the odd scale of sad-importance that's appeared in this thread.

Imagine for a second that your Mum had passed and not a single person outside the family gave it a passing thought? Surely that'd be a worse than knowing she was clearly well thought of and respected locally?

I've lived away from home for 20 years and my friends here are far more important in my life than some of my family are. I would hope if anything happened to me that they'd do the legwork of spreading the news to the people necessary, as my Parents don't even know most of them to tell.

When a family friend died my mother didn’t tell me for reasons of her own. The fact that I didn’t know became a subject of speculation and gossip in itself - clearly the expectation in the community was that she would have told me.

@saraclara you need to consider that people grieve in different ways. Also, experiencing a loss during covid has been really hard. People gossiping that she died from covid, because she was quite young. Stuff being said on social media, because people are not meeting in person was also hard to deal with.

Family and friends were told, and we asked them to pass on news to those that we might've forgotten or after dozens of calls and just couldn't take any more.

It was frankly odd that people who didn't bother with her when she was alive and ill, seemed to come out of the woodwork when they knew she had died. I'm not sure if it was out of nosiness or what, but if you haven't been close enough to someone when they were alive, why would you want to attend their funeral?

Different experience when my grandmother died a few months before, but she didn't have any friends or acquaintances left as she outlived them all. Just family.

recently a young man I know died very suddenly and shockingly.

I found out becuase his dad put a post on his son's FB page, and then linking it to his own, thereby covering as many people as possible.

When I saw it, I made a point of privately messaging 3 people who I know don't have FB and aren't in the loop of friends, but who would want to know.

I saw it as a kindness to the family, to let as many people as possible know.

It'll be covid. People's world has shrunk so much they don't connect in the same way.

But arranging funerals is awful now. You can't just send out a time and date, and then leave it up to people to come and pay respects if they wish.

You have a very limited number allowed.
You have to think about who you want, offer them a place, then keep some people in 'reserve' if the original list can't attend.
You have to think about whether there are elderly people who can't stand, so they get 'preference' for a seat inside over a younger but closer family member.
You have to confirm the numbers back to the crem (involves phoning people AGAIN to confirm)
You have to give their details on a signed form to the crem (track and trace)
You have the worry that some people will be arsy that they're standing outside, but Joan from work's partner goes inside (with Joan)
You have to request people's emails to send round the live stream so they can view at home, then deal with 'how do I open it' messages, over and over.
All whilst grieving. Honestly, it's awful.

Sorry about your friend.

I've arranged both of my parents funerals so know the drill

Have you organised them during covid? Because if you haven't then bluntly you don't know the drill. Having arranged funerals now both pre and during covid its bloody hell during covid, by comparison with normal times.

As for passing on info - if you are not someone the family knows should be notified they won't have the information. Other people may well assume you know or not feel its their information to share.

My Dad found out his first cousin had died when he sent a Xmas card, and got a letter in response to say she had died months earlier, from her children. He was very upset (they were both in their 70s).
I think it is wrong to not pass on the news.
His cousin was an only child, so not loads of family to tell, but neither him or his brother knew.

Not so long ago people would have found out about a person's death in the 'obits' section if the local paper with information of the funeral arrangements and where to send donations to instead of flowers. People aren't buying local newspapers as much any more and many people do use Facebook for the passing on details instead.
In your shoes Op I would have expected to be told. I would assume that you have been overlooked or everyone thought that someone else had told you.

I don't think telling someone that a person has passed away is gossip. That is ridiculous. Its not a secret or confidential information. I can't think of one occasion in my life when someone has told me about a friends death in a salacious way.
what if someone dies suddenly or has had a very short illness?
Since civid i haven't seen 7 of my friends who I go away with wvery year since July. Should their extended family or other friends not cascade that info down so I can send a card and make a donation?

My mother's friends are in their late 80s & 90s & have begun to die off which is to be expected as they're coming to the end of their lives.

Their families have had various methods of letting people know:
Putting a announcement in The Times; Sending out by post a simple printed Word document saying 'XX died on 00/00/00. Funeral is at so&so church on 00/00/00. Family flowers only. Please donate to such&such charity. Please inform those we have missed';
A phone call, again saying people should let others know;
If they have do access to the deceased's emails they send out a mass announcement & ask people to forward the information to people they have missed.

They're clued up enough to know that there might be people they've missed so always request that the news is passed on amongst mutual friends.

Other families just can't be arsed ! It's almost as though they think that because their elderly relative might be housebound or suffering from a chronic illness, they don't have friends,

Last Christmas I had a middle-aged son berating me for sending his mother a Christmas card. She had died in June 2020. She had received a lot of Xmas cards from her friends.
I pointed out that he hadn't informed ANYONE in her circle of friends - a fact confirmed when I contacted them all - so how were any of us to know that his mother was dead!
He shut up at that point & I wished him & his family my best.

I'm this case there was an obituary (funeral director web site ) and an invitation to access the live stream of the funeral.

I only saw it when it was posted in a group we belonged to AFTER the event.

So nothing to do with keeping anything small and private. She was hugely involved in her local town and very well liked and respected. The obituary was posted on her local town FB page and forwarded by someone else to a different FB group.

It was our mutual friend not passing on the information that floored me. She attended the virtual funeral but hadn't thought to let anyone else know.

When my parents died it was lovely to have cards from people who I'd never heard of, but who thought a lot of them.

Finding how to communicate with 'everyone' is so difficult, especially in a time of heightened emotion. I can only see it getting to be more difficult in future.

We contacted everyone in my mothers address book. All my contact lists are online, so how would anyone access them ?

While DH and I are around, we have access to each other's but then... it certainly gives pause for thought.

This is someone the OP has known for 40 years! It is sad that she wasn't thought of.

I was in the position of being told when a friend died, we were young but hadn't seen them for a while. Grateful to have been told. It's also nice for the family to see how many friends they had. Could you find out how to contact the family so you could at least send a card?

@SunshineCake

This is someone the OP has known for 40 years! It is sad that she wasn't thought of.

To be clear - I had no expectation of being told by her family - she met and married her dh later in life and if he'd ever heard of me it would have been in the context of the old friend she was going to stay with when she was at her meeting in London. We lived hundreds of miles apart but slipped straight back into talking as though we'd only seen each other last week. That was one of her gifts I think.

Families can't be responsible for telling everyone - as I say, been there myself - but my expectation when my parents died was that I'd tell family -put the obit in the local paper and rely on those who saw it to pass the word.

When my dm died l was very upset that some people hadn't passed on the word. I belong to a specific group and have for years. My dh..at my request ..let the leader know. He never mentioned it to anyone and it was a big blow to me not to hear from any of the including the leader!! Actually l found it difficult to stay part of the group and really struggled and have never felt the same there since. Grief probably played a part in that.
So yes OP tell people who matter. What they do with the information is up to them.
I also only found out about a friends dad a while later and it was a bit of a shock and l felt bad not being at the funeral.

I think this is something very personal.

Some people would want it spread far and wide.
Some people want it kept private.

The problem comes that if they don't tell you, you don't know which one they are and may well be upset if you do the other.

For me, I'd probably not tell anyone unless I knew that.

1. The people directly involved (close family, the deceased person themselves) would like the person I'm telling to know.
2. They're not likely to hear about it from other places.

There are times when people do not want it becoming general gossip either because they don't want to bombarded with other people's grief, or because there is a problematic relationship that they haven't got the emotional energy to deal with at that time.

To me, the important aspect, to consider the people at the centre, and once it's out there you can't put it back in the box.