Are you friends with people who are friends of people you can't stand?

[MrsBarbour]

I find this difficult. I don't easily dislike people but there have been a couple of women in recent years (at work / around dc's school) who have schemed behind my back, gossiped about me and are in some weird toxic competition with me, love to show off and put me down at the same time As a result of their behaviour I really dislike them.

I am quite friendly with some people in these scenarios who also seem close to the women that have behaved in this shitty way towards me. Is it normal to not trust them? Do you compartmentalise this sort of situation? Or do you think more cave woman style, my foes' friends are no friends of mine?

I can't think of anyone I dislike. There have been people who are a bit shit to me in the past but to be honest, they always had issues so I never really took it to heart and can't feel mad at them or like I hate them.

Slightly different situation (and I've posted about this before because at the time, it dredged up a lot of repressed feelings) but I found out about a year ago that my brother's fiancée's brother is in a long term relationship with my secondary school bully. The girl made my life a living hell, verbally and physically assaulting me regularly for four years. She told lies about me and turned her gang of horrible girls against me and I was terrified to leave the house in case they beat me up.

I haven't seen her since the day of my geography Standard Grade exam in 2006, when she was removed from the hall for cheating. I'm now 30 and will have to face her at my brother's wedding later this year.

However, I can't believe that my own brother socialises with her. Apparently she has acknowledged being "not very nice" to me at school but my brother was there when I was having panic attacks and my hair was falling out with the stress of it all. When I came home with a bloody nose or broken glasses or having had my hair set on fire in the lunch queue. He saw it all, and yet he chooses to spend time with her. It really hurts my feelings and I know without a doubt that I would never do that, in his position.

And before anyone tells me that she has probably grown up in the past 15 years, I looked her up on Facebook and she was posting about she was going to "kick fuck out of" someone. A grown adult. A mother. Lovely.

No. I phased out contact who were joint friends of my abusive ExH.

They were always telling me bad news. I just wanted to move on.

I am good friends with a woman who is good friends with two others who actively dislike me. They have told her this (we were work colleagues for years and I was promoted to manage the 'jewel in the crown' branch ahead of them, they have degrees and I worked my way up through the ranks) and she used to repeat things they said about me. I pulled her up on it and said it wasn't kind to do it so now they're never mentioned. I've managed to distance myself from this side of my friend but we now have a more superficial friendship. Of course I don't expect her to drop them (they're both interesting women) but I don't understand why she'd gossip like that. Friendship groups are bound to overlap with others but @amusedbush brother is totally heartless IMO.

I'm not but I am quite black and white. I like a small group of friends I can trust and I do judge people by the company they keep. My standards are high - which makes me hard work sometimes - but I'll have your back!

I used to be. Not anymore. I was constantly paranoid they would go back and tell those people my information. Wasn't worth it for me.

Yes.

I'm close to both women who fell out with each other long time ago and missed too many opportunities to clear the air, but there is still sort of mutual respect, ykwim? Really hard to be caught between them as it's hard to involve one in my life without excluding the other.

But I'd struggle to be close to anyone who was clearly nasty to my friends. I would be polite with them and say hello, be civilised with them and invite their kids to my house but close? Nope.

I've had huge shock last year finding out someone spread malicious rumour about me (and I was oblivious to it for years, except wondering why her friends were acting funny and not so friendly with me, had my brain going over and over every situation I may have said stupid) - it made me so depressed and I couldn't sleep for a few nights (I'm nearly 40 not 14!). But that woman has one friend who is really nice, I enjoy her company but nothing too close - definitely much higher threshold for trust needed! Malicious people don't always have malicious associates or assume they are super close and having a laugh at others' expense.

@amusedbush that is horrendous, I have no words your bully will be the first to complain that other kids bully her dc.

I do sometimes judge people by the company they keep @KitKitten but I have one friend who I know is absolutely solid and she's friendly with a school mum who has not been very kind to me and some others over the years. But I know that this person helped my friend with something that made a huge difference to her and is always there for her. I also know my friend has my back and would never gossip about me to her, that's good enough for me.

I get on really well with another friend but she's also close to someone who behaves in a passive-aggressive and competitive way towards me. I'm less sure about this as this frenemy moans about me to everyone and is actively trying to shut me out from the school mum gang. I'm not 100% sure that the mum I like in this scenario has my back, I think she's 'neutral'.

If it's someone I can't stand as in finding them extremely annoying, that's no issue. I can only think of one person (that I'm aware of!) who really has it in for me on a personal level, and we have some mutual friends but I don't completely trust them. They either know and don't stand up for me, or they're oblivious and have bad judgement - neither inspire a lot of confidence tbh!

I have friends who strongly dislike each other and each tries to get me to drop the other as a friend. I feel very strongly that I’ll be friends with who I like and won’t be bullied into dropping a friend because someone else doesn’t like them!

I have a good friend whose friend I can't stand. She's always been downright rude to me every time I've met her. She's very possessive of our mutual friend.
I haven't seen her for about a decade but she made quite an impression

It is puzzling sometimes why friends like this or that person. I hate it when people invite others and don't run it by you beforehand. I've had a few ruined trips due to this, tolerating bossy or rude people.

I went through a tough time, over the last few years, alot of people 'turned against me
It ended in me cutting myself off from everyone.
Eventually I worked out who was worth my friendship and who was not. I removed myself from any SM (except for what's app) and changed my number.
I went from having a huge friendship group to a couple of friends i can count on one hand.
Sometimes I miss my 'old friends" but I remember what got us to this place, and what I'm willing to accept.
I can honestly say, my life has been better since leaving SM, and not accepting the dramatics that came with having a larger friendship group.
I think if everyone boycotted SM, in general people would be happier.
My life has been happier, knowing the friends who genuinely wanted to stay in contact, would do without SM or the influence of others.
Now nobody knows about my life, or what happens without my choosing.
It's a smaller world, but a better, IMO.

Having read through the replies, I would like to add my friends i include in my circle, are still in touch with my wider circle. Some ask about me, some don't.
I take that there will be some element of "gossip" from those I've chosen to keep close, human nature means that I don't expect them to be completely loyal all the time..

But I've made my choices and what I'm willing to accept crystal clear.
I've also been "accepted" by the girls who were popular in school, but because of my lack of SM, I refuse to entertain them to be "accepted"
There is nothing better as an "adult" (im in my mid 30s) as not being desperate to accept being "accepted" if that makes any sense.
I read things like this and wish more people would feel the same.
It's very liberating.

Yes UltimateBlends it is very liberating. I find it difficult to be in large groups and all the dynamics that can bring - it just doesn't work for me the way it works for others. Much more peaceful with a handful of lovely friends, who don't all know each other and I'm not on social media with.

It's nice to hear someone who feels the same @kitkitten

I used to be, the "life and soul" of any party - looking back, what I really was, was a people pleaser. I put people who turned our to be largely insignificant in my life first, being "life and soul" meant being a people pleaser, meant putting others before my own well-being.
It's not to say I didn't have a great time, in that moment - but if I could take it all back, I would.
I wasted so much time and effort on people who weren't even relevant.
When my life finally hit rock bottom, it took me a while to come to terms with it and realise the truth of people.
I think SM is so much to blame, as there's never that disconnect with people that you may naturally drift from.
I have made myself inaccessible to the dramatics that come from gossip and the endless "he said/she said"
It took me a while to ween myself away from the "FOMO" but what I gained from it was the ability to say no, and know and live my genuine life.
It all sounds a little bit OTT, but I do think threads like this would be more avoided if people didn't compare, and realised that relationships genuinely drift apart, and although it's so hard sometimes accepting that friendships/relationships have run thier course is in fact healthy, unfortunately in the SM obbsessed world, it doesn't give you the freedom to depart from old relationships.

I'm still friends with some ladies that are friends with a woman that was viciously horrible to me. I've known them my whole life basically and i do still care about them but honestly, nowhere near as much as i did. There was a time i would have done anything for them but their option of 'not taking sides' when this woman was so so awful makes me think it's not mutual so I just don't put as much effort in anymore.

@amusedbush
That is just horrendous.
How upsetting.

I would so judge your brother and pull away.
I value loyalty hugely.

Nah. Can't be fucked with people like that Life is too short.

OP you have my permission to skip your brother's wedding. There is no way you should be in the same room as someone who set your hair on fire and punched you in the nose.

Sorry not to OP to amusedbush.

One of my best friends "A" is really good friends with some who I absolutely hate.

This person behaved awfully towards me. This was 10 years ago. She also did things to other people in my friendship group and thankfully at the time she kind of disappeared away from the group. About 4 years ago A (who wasnt really in group 1 but knows everyone in it and comes to occasional things) became friends with this person and it really hurt me.

Lots of people have got over what happened those years ago which is fair enough but some of us just dont feel the need to ever speak to this person again. I just dont understand why A wants to be friends with her. A disliked this person as much as the rest of us. She says shes changed now and isnt like that but to me it doesn't matter, I dont have to be friends with everyone in the country. A mentions going to the pub together with this person when we are allowed and theres just no fucking chance I am

Years ago my boyfriend at the time cheated on me with someone, we'll call her Jess. He left me for her although he was often desperately trying to get back me with me and said Jess was crazy.

Jess had a reputation in school for being a "psycho" but I didnt know her. Anyway she started trying really hard to get close to my friends and succeeded with one. I knew in my mind it was to get at me, I said so once to my friend who said I was being nasty, she said she really liked Jess but if it hurt me too much for her to be friends with her (since she stole my boyfriend) she would cut her off

I wouldnt ever want to tell anyone who to be friends with and tbh the fact my friend wanted to be friends with her at all changed my view of my friend so I told her it was fine just dont expect me to attend anything Jess is at

Jess would constantly post on social media photos of the two of them and write about how close they were. It really hurt me in honesty. I couldnt ever be friends with someone who hurt my friend like that. It really put a distance between us

After a year or so it suddenly stopped a d a while later my friend came back to me a d admitted Jess had used her, she said she talked about me all the time and always wanted to know what I was up to. Bloody weirdo. She said it took her aged to realise what was going on but she apologised. It did alter our friendship permanently in my eyes

Sorry for the super long post and typos!