Are you friends with people who are friends of people you can't stand?

[MrsBarbour]

I find this difficult. I don't easily dislike people but there have been a couple of women in recent years (at work / around dc's school) who have schemed behind my back, gossiped about me and are in some weird toxic competition with me, love to show off and put me down at the same time As a result of their behaviour I really dislike them.

I am quite friendly with some people in these scenarios who also seem close to the women that have behaved in this shitty way towards me. Is it normal to not trust them? Do you compartmentalise this sort of situation? Or do you think more cave woman style, my foes' friends are no friends of mine?

@darthdinosaur I had a similar thing happen to me, but the bf was the issue.
I left him and met someone else not long after.
My ex was so angry with it all, he went around my whole friendship group, and family, getting closer and closer to certain people who let him..

He ended up sleeping with a few of my female friends, and turning a few male friends 'against me', keeping in touch closely with a few members of my family.

Few friends saw straight through him and told him thier loyalties lay with me.

I did nothing except leave the relationship, he spent years obsessively trying to find out about my life. Even contacting my partner (we are still together, years on) and putting a huge strain on our relationship.

The whole thing was very damaging- I ended up loosing a very close friend, who I loved, after I found out she had been in a sexual relation with him, whilst I would pour my heart out to her about the hurt he was causing in my life.
Even more hurtful was the fact the information came from someone who didn't like me, and was using it to hurt me.

...and you guessed it, the information about my best friend had come from the ex, to the person who disliked me, who told me.

He was so toxic, he was not only using women to try and hurt me, he was also then repeating it to someone who took pleasure from my hurt too, knowing it would likely get back to me.

I think he managed sexual/emotional relationships with about 5 "close friends" that I know of... there may be more.

He was very charming, charismatic and good looking, however I still don't know how he managed it. I've not been able to face these people since. The stupidity and betrayal is too much.

In the end he settled down with someone a few friend referred to a "UltimateBlends #2"
We had the same appearance -and seemingly the same interests and hobbies. Annoyingly people seemed think I need to know about it/see pictures.

I didnt. I wanted a total black out on him. I think if I ever bumped into him again, I would want to rip him to shreds. Instead I like to think I would hold my head high and walk on by.

It's a horrible situation to have someone obsessively try and ruin life for you.

I lost some "nice" friends because of him.

Similarish situation as well. Had a couple of women who lived in our town and took a dislike to me and made life very, very difficult for no reason. I didn't say anything about them to anyone, kept my head down and just cracked on. They spread rumours, were aggressive, we were ostracised by others etc. One of my lovely friends started hanging out with them. I actually felt like I had been punched in the stomach. When I asked her about this, she said "they've done nothing to me". Which is an argument I never understand.......

For a good friend to be friendly with someone who hates you means they simply are not your real friend either, and it is best to be very wary of that person.

For someone to say 'well they were never nasty to me' means they are getting a kick out of it, knowing it upsets you. It's an ego thing.

That should be enough to realise your friend is NOT a true friend.

@billy1966
So really you'd be asking your friend to choose between you? You'd pull back because you didn't approve of her choice of friend? I think that as mature adults we're able to put that friendship with someone who is negative towards you to one side rather than cut off the innocent one in the middle. It's a bit like playground cliques otherwise - "I won't be your friend if you don't dump her!". The poster whose brother is marrying her school bully however gets all my sympathy 💐

I’ve been the friend in the middle of this. The two women hate each other, absolutely nothing to do with me, I’ve never said a single derogatory word about either of them to the other, I don’t even bring them up unless they do and then I shut the convo down.

I’d be really sad if one of them said to me “I don’t trust you because you still talk to xxx”

I'm not sure this can be avoided?

I can't bear my best friend's sister but I can't say anything.

I'm sure some of my friends have friends, partners, relatives that I would hate. Can this be avoided? Isn't it like looking for a politician whose views you agree with 100%?

@Billandben444

Not speaking from experience thankfully.

What I meant was, in the examples above of people who knew someone had been deeply unpleasant to their good friend, for them to become close with the explanation "they never did anything to me"....would definitely not be the action of a good friend.

It is not simply choosing between two friends that don't get on.

It's about choosing to be very friendly with someone you KNOW has been very unkind to an old friend.

Vastly different IMO but I accept others would have absolutely no problem doing this.
I just wouldn't do it.

@amusedbush

Slightly different situation (and I've posted about this before because at the time, it dredged up a lot of repressed feelings) but I found out about a year ago that my brother's fiancée's brother is in a long term relationship with my secondary school bully. The girl made my life a living hell, verbally and physically assaulting me regularly for four years. She told lies about me and turned her gang of horrible girls against me and I was terrified to leave the house in case they beat me up.

I haven't seen her since the day of my geography Standard Grade exam in 2006, when she was removed from the hall for cheating. I'm now 30 and will have to face her at my brother's wedding later this year.

However, I can't believe that my own brother socialises with her. Apparently she has acknowledged being "not very nice" to me at school but my brother was there when I was having panic attacks and my hair was falling out with the stress of it all. When I came home with a bloody nose or broken glasses or having had my hair set on fire in the lunch queue. He saw it all, and yet he chooses to spend time with her. It really hurts my feelings and I know without a doubt that I would never do that, in his position.

And before anyone tells me that she has probably grown up in the past 15 years, I looked her up on Facebook and she was posting about she was going to "kick fuck out of" someone. A grown adult. A mother. Lovely.

This is awful and I really feel for you 😔 she sounds awful.

Thank you for the replies to my post about my brother and my school bully

To be honest, posting that has really stirred up some feelings and I’ve been getting more and more angry about it. Honestly, I don’t want to be in the same room as her but I didn’t go to the (pre-covid) engagement party because she was invited and my brother was pissed off. If I didn’t go to the wedding I don’t think my family would forgive me but the thought of being there with her makes me feel like I’m that dorky 16 year old again

I’m also angry that I still live with the emotional scars she caused yet my soon to be SIL’s family think she’s lovely and if I demanded that she be uninvited, I’d look like the unreasonable one. It’s not fair.

@amusedbush

Thank you for the replies to my post about my brother and my school bully

To be honest, posting that has really stirred up some feelings and I’ve been getting more and more angry about it. Honestly, I don’t want to be in the same room as her but I didn’t go to the (pre-covid) engagement party because she was invited and my brother was pissed off. If I didn’t go to the wedding I don’t think my family would forgive me but the thought of being there with her makes me feel like I’m that dorky 16 year old again

I’m also angry that I still live with the emotional scars she caused yet my soon to be SIL’s family think she’s lovely and if I demanded that she be uninvited, I’d look like the unreasonable one. It’s not fair.

I've feel the need to reply to your post here, I can honestly sympathise with your situation here.

My family also had a wedding and invited the ex I mentioned in PP.
I told my family member, if he was going, I was not, as much as they can invite who they want to thier wedding - you can also refuse an invite on the ground of something making you uncomfortable.

I have learned not to put myself in situations that make me uncomfortable, purely to please others. It doesn't always make me popular, but my feelings count as much as anyone else's.

In my situation, they didn't invite the ex in the end. But covid changed plans and they had a small wedding of which I wasn't invited.

Of course, the thing to do is to go to the wedding, older, wiser and try and have a good time. You're not the same person you were, and holding your head high is a great thing, and might help - you shouldn't let someone else hold you back. Otherwise the bully has always won.

But, if its really detrimental to your health, then never feel afraid to look after yourself and say no. You are allowed to say no.

I have recently fallen out with a good friend of maybe 10 years. I have tried to support her and our friendship has come to a close. I don’t want to see her any more. Probably never again to be honest but perhaps I’ll feel differently in a year. I said this to our mutual friend (B) and she immediately said “she’s treated you so badly, I’m going to cut her off too.”

I think I judge my friend (B) who wants to cut her off more! They have a separate friendship! My extreme annoyance over Friend A’s actions should have no bearing. While Friend A has pissed me off to the max and I am sick of the sight of her, froend B knew her way before. You can’t take my word for it that A is a bitter, manipulative, gold digging cow. You need to experience this for yourself. I could be wrong!

Secondarily, DH has a friend from a job 15 years ago who is the most appalling company. But it’s very funny. When he travels with work to London he stays with us and I have material to amuse us for six months. I spend his visits remember to shut my mouth from the absurdities he comes up with.

Yes. In one case I've compartmentalised as it had no effect on us.

In another I ended the friendship pdq as she was now closer to them (essentially an adult bully!) than me iyswim.

I used to be.

But after a while, I realised I didnt want to be friends with someone who had such horrible other friends, and ghosted them.

It might be that the friends don't like the horrid ex-friends either but are still 'friends' on the 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' premise.

Also some people like to have loads and loads of friends and don't invest too much in each whereas others prefer to have a few trusted friends.

So I wouldn't think too much about it - unless you worry that they will all be bitching about you in which case ditch them all.

Yes. She and I also know each other but I keep as much distance from her as possible. She's a manipulative attention seeker out to have people fund her lifestyle. My friend can choose what she wants to do with her money though. It's none of my business. We don't talk about manipulator though.

I've kind of experienced this. I became friends with someone who was a friend of a friend. She sort of latched onto me and I thought she was nice so went with it. Big mistake. She was sly and conniving. I ended up cutting her dead. Some friends still spoke to her but I wasnt bothered. Then she screwed them over too. I wasnt surprised though as she really was a very jealous person. I suppose my situation was different because we weren't long standing friends but I still get irritated when I see her about and I can tell shes bad mouthing me to her new bunch of cronies. I just try and block it out and think they'll find out who she is eventually.