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Original poster

How much would you include children in a big decision?

29 replies

Ozgirl75 · 14/03/2021 07:39

Semi hypothetical but if you had children of around 8-12, and you were offered a move abroad, to a country they know and like, would you involve them in the decision or would you, as parents, make the decision and present it as “this is what we have decided?”

We are British and our children have grown up in Australia for all their life, with numerous trips back to the U.K. (as our parents are there). They like the U.K. They are also very happy and settled in their school.

DH may be offered a large promotion to go back to the U.K. to run the arm of the business that he currently works in. It would allow for a large country house, excellent schools as well as travel; a great life. Plus some other advantages such as not having to spend most of our yearly holidays travelling to the U.K., and most importantly, being around more as our parents get older.

However, we have a good life here. Nice house (albeit normal because Sydney), good private school etc.

We still don’t really know which way to go, but the question is, how much would you take your kids thoughts into account?

When I was young (about 10) my parents asked me if I wanted to leave my fairly ordinary state school to go to a private school and I was like “nah, don’t want to leave my friends” so I didn’t go and now as an adult I think they were crazy to leave the decision up to me

Equally, this decision is hard because we honestly feel that either outcome would be good in some ways, bad in some ways.

OP posts:

ChameleonClara · 14/03/2021 07:42

I would include them early in the planning once the decision is made, but not in the deciding. Because you're not actually going to not go if one of them decides they don't want to, are you, if you two adults firmly believe it is right?

We have talked with our kids through a big decision, from not sure to decided, but at no point did we suggest they could veto. We heard all their views and input though.

CeibaTree · 14/03/2021 07:44

Your children don't have the life experience to make that kind of decision and I think it'd be unfair to put that burden on them. By all means let them have a chance to say what they think, but the ultimate decision should be made by the grown ups :)

Lotsachocolateplease · 14/03/2021 07:44

They won’t want to leave their friends, school etc especially the older one. I moved areas when my eldest was 8 and he couldn’t imagine what it would be like, he was terrified of moving and we had a lot of tears. I didn’t involve him in the decision because I knew the new area would be better, nearer to grandparents, better schools and opportunities but it was hard.
I’d gage their opinion but ultimately the decision is up to you as adults.

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CeeceeBloomingdale · 14/03/2021 07:45

We would not involve them until 95% of the talking through was done..Once we had reached our personal decisions we would ask the children (mine are both a couple of years older than yours). I would probably involve them but in a biased way, with a positive slant, so they felt they had input but really the decision was ours. Unless they presented a very strong opinion opposing ours of course, them we would all talk the decision through more.

Original poster

Ozgirl75 · 14/03/2021 07:47

@ChameleonClara that’s actually a really good way of doing it and I’m embarrassed that I didn’t think of doing it like that!

I think taking into account all their concerns and figuring out how we deal with them would be a good way to go, without them thinking that their decision could actually make us go or stop us going. I don’t want to put that on young shoulders, equally I don’t want them to think that their opinions don’t matter (as basically the main reason we are even considering staying is them, because they’re happy and settled)

OP posts:

Janaih · 14/03/2021 07:50

Way to much responsibility for a child to decide and bordering on emotional abuse imo. Its one of the things that wound me right up about that program where the family think about emigrating.

ihearttc · 14/03/2021 07:50

We had to make a similar decision. DH got offered the chance to live and work in the ME for initially 2 years (although it ended up nearly 5) with his company. My oldest DS was about to start High School and we most definitely included him in the decision as we felt it incredibly important for him to have a sat. DS2 was 5 at the time so although we spoke to him about it, he had no input in the decision. In the end we listened to DS1 who desperately didn’t want to move (and nor did I tbh) and DH went on his own and came back for long holidays and we went over there to see him. It was a very hard decision but one that was right for us.

Freetodowhatiwant · 14/03/2021 07:51

I wouldn’t involve them in the decision making but get them excited about the move once the decision is made. We moved from the UK to spain when I was 7 and my brother 9. I had never even been to spain before! Back then it was a bigger world too, no cheap flights and coming and going like we do now. It was a big move. As a 7 year old I was distraught at selling the house but also excited about the planning and never questioned it was something I could change. Once we set off it was such an adventure snd we had a great upbringing there and it was the best move. For what it’s worth I think your move sounds great too and I personally would do it if you get the chance.

I’ve also just moved towns from London to the coast here - wirh an 8 year old and 6 year old and didn’t involve them in the decision either. I don’t think they should have the chance to say no and then be against the move. They are happy in their new schools and homes.

minniemoocher · 14/03/2021 07:51

I would tell them early on there's a possibility but wouldn't let them influence your decision. Do what's right for your family and dh's career, they will adapt. I've moved my kids a little younger and they simply were told that exh had to move for work

Original poster

Ozgirl75 · 14/03/2021 07:52

Thanks for your input everyone, it’s really helped me to think about how involved they are.

Funnily enough my older one still hasn’t got a really strong friendship group - he has lots of friends but not in the same way as I did when I was 10. Equally, he’s getting on really well at school and my main concern with him is that he will go to being very very young in the year and basically missing 18 months of school (as they start a year later here). He’s academic but I think he will take a while to catch up.

My younger one has closer friends but equally he’s a very sunny, friendly child who finds it easy to make friends as he’s sporty and easy going.

I wish I could wave a wand and see two years into the future to what it would be like if we did come back. I just fear that they will be unhappy and blame us for uprooting them from a great life!

OP posts:

ihearttc · 14/03/2021 07:53

@Janaih

Are you joking? Emotional abuse? Why is listening to your child’s thoughts and feelings akin to abusing them? At 12 they are almost teenagers and should have some input into big decisions. I’m not running a dictatorship, we are a family and speak about things together.

EileenGC · 14/03/2021 07:55

It depends. You say they like the UK, so do you think they’d be fairly happy there once all the leaving friends and home thing is over? Do you see them as happy teenagers in the UK, or resenting you for uprooting them at this stage?

My parents thought about a couple of moves like this when me and my siblings were of similar ages. To a country we absolutely hated, but they loved. It was a resounding no to even the idea of it, to the point that I’d already briefed an aunt and a few friends at school who were ‘happy’ to take over custody and have me live with their families forever

Another thing is the distance. How close are you to your friends in Australia? Realistically, how often will you be able to still visit each other after the move?

ChancesWhatChances · 14/03/2021 07:56

“Hey kids, we’re relocating”. My children would not get a choice in major life decisions at the age of 8 and 12. I’d be more inclined to take their views and needs on bored at 14+ though.

Bmidreams · 14/03/2021 07:57

We tried to involve them and talk about it all, but ultimately as a pp said, they don't have the life experience to make those decisions. We just told them that we love them and they have to trust us that we try to do the best for them. We know they'll thank us when they're older though.

Sydney though???!!! Come on!!!!!

Original poster

Ozgirl75 · 14/03/2021 07:59

@EileenGC that’s the tricky bit, I just don’t know. I think they would be ok but life here is just very easy and it seems simple to stick with “if it ain’t broke”.
I don’t think we would travel back and forth much- because we’ve done so much of that flight (twice a year for about 8 years) so part of what appeals about coming back is exploring Europe and the USA rather than every holiday involving a major journey.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ozgirl75 · 14/03/2021 08:00

@Bmidreams I know! And that’s the tricky bit. We are happy here, but the pull of our home country is always there, as well as our family and friends over there too.

OP posts:

Bmidreams · 14/03/2021 08:06

Well I've only been there twice and it is my number one dream location

TeenMinusTests · 14/03/2021 08:10

Oz if you are going private you will probably find that a school would be willing to place your older child 'out of year group' under the circumstances.
And actually if July/August born you may find a state school would be willing to do that too.

I'd make the decision as adults, then 'sell' it to the DC, listen to their worries & fears and allay them. Then as others have said involve them in the planning e.g. what type of house/area, what new hobby etc.

Champagneandmonstermunch · 14/03/2021 08:11

I would certainly involve them in discussions while you are deciding, but agree that it is not fair to put the decision making on them. It would be valuable to have their opinions though as they may think of things you hadn't considered.

Kitkat151 · 14/03/2021 08:11

@Ozgirl75

Thanks for your input everyone, it’s really helped me to think about how involved they are.

My younger one has closer friends but equally he’s a very sunny, friendly child who finds it easy to make friends as he’s sporty and easy going.

I wish I could wave a wand and see two years into the future to what it would be like if we did come back. I just fear that they will be unhappy and blame us for uprooting them from a great life!

Your older one will catch up just fine in school....he might even be ahead....kids here haven’t had a proper education for a year now cos of covid

beingsunny · 14/03/2021 08:12

Will you have to work if you go back?
If you can throw yourself into spending time facilitating play dates and supporting the kids build new social lives I think that would help the transition.

I understand your quandary though, in English and live in very expensive sydney, I'm so missing my son having actual family to support him and spend time in ways that friends don't, that isn't just me and my lively ex husband.

Maybe it's just Covid and being unable to travel but I'm definitely feeling the pressure of being without any daily all the way down here

beingsunny · 14/03/2021 08:15

Sorry that was a really self indulgent post, I'm missing family a lot right now.

I think it would be a great opportunity for your kids and they are still young enough to be told that this is the plan and I know it might be a bit hard and you might feel a bit sad but we will help you through the tough parts.

Roselilly36 · 14/03/2021 08:15

My advice would be, yes include them in the planning, decision making, listen to their views, but ultimately you as parents make the decision, that you think on balance is the best decision for your family.

We have just moved relocated to new area, approx 3hrs from where we used to live, our DS’ are 19 & nearly 18. We discussed it as every step of the way. They were in agreement with the move although of course they had some concerns, we are all happy with the decision and settling well in our new home.

Very best wishes OP, and whatever you decide, it doesn’t have to be forever, you can always move again or back if it doesn’t work out, but better to have tried. Good luck for the future.

lydia2021 · 14/03/2021 08:17

Yes. I would include them in decisions. Tell them pros and cons

Pinkandwhiteblossom · 14/03/2021 08:17

I remember it being presented to me that we were moving countries when I was about the age of your youngest and again when I was about the age of your eldest. The first time I was delighted and saw the opportunity for adventure. The second time I was furious for a year. But both decisions were the right thing for the wider family, and neither harmed me in the long run. Like you, there was no right answer - we’d have been fine staying where we were either time.

I’m glad my parents didn’t involve me in the initial decisions as I don’t think I could have made them.

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