How much would you include children in a big decision?

[Ozgirl75]

Semi hypothetical but if you had children of around 8-12, and you were offered a move abroad, to a country they know and like, would you involve them in the decision or would you, as parents, make the decision and present it as “this is what we have decided?”

We are British and our children have grown up in Australia for all their life, with numerous trips back to the U.K. (as our parents are there). They like the U.K. They are also very happy and settled in their school.

DH may be offered a large promotion to go back to the U.K. to run the arm of the business that he currently works in. It would allow for a large country house, excellent schools as well as travel; a great life. Plus some other advantages such as not having to spend most of our yearly holidays travelling to the U.K., and most importantly, being around more as our parents get older.

However, we have a good life here. Nice house (albeit normal because Sydney), good private school etc.

We still don’t really know which way to go, but the question is, how much would you take your kids thoughts into account?

When I was young (about 10) my parents asked me if I wanted to leave my fairly ordinary state school to go to a private school and I was like “nah, don’t want to leave my friends” so I didn’t go and now as an adult I think they were crazy to leave the decision up to me

Equally, this decision is hard because we honestly feel that either outcome would be good in some ways, bad in some ways.

I would involve them in the planning, not the decision, unless I would truly do what they wanted. A move abroad is a big decision DH and I would most likely have strong opinions on, if between us we decided it was the best thing for our family I wouldn't risk having to not go because a child the. said they didn't want to go, or worse, go anyway when I said they had a say.

Thanks so much for your thoughts and ideas, it’s made me feel a lot better about how we would go about this process. And don’t worry about giving your thoughts @beingsunny we feel similarly. No family here at all and we haven’t seen them for over a year now.

I would work but only in the school day, as my work is very flexible so I would be able to do all that running about, having people over stuff which would hopefully help them settle.

Funnily enough I did think that @Kitkat151 - mine have at least been at school for the past year so maybe he won’t be quite as far behind. I did also wonder about him starting school a year behind (his birthday is the last week of August) and he is currently in the first term of year 5 but would be approaching the end of year 6 in the U.K. and I kind of hoped that schools might be flexible on starting years as he’s so close to the cut off.

We did exactly this, although from Melbourne, when our dc were 12 and 9. We didn't involve them in the decision. We got them involved in much smaller things like where we would live when our stuff was on the boat for twelve weeks. Mine were excited about being able to decorate their own rooms as we rented in Australia. They were coming back to people so they were excited about living in a country with some family members.

They both keep in touch with their Australian friends via FaceTime etc.

They were really behind school wise but caught up. I agree that the covid situation may help you here! We've lost so much school time. My oldest went straight into high school and missed the end of year six entirely as well as the first term of year seven here. She was completely fine socially and stayed behind the first day for netball whilst I was imagining her having her head flushed down the toilet.

Will you be planning a private education? Private schools might be more flexible in putting your oldest into a lower year group. Even state schools have a little more freedom on that point now. Will they be able to easily return to Australia when they are adults? I would focus on it being somewhere new and different and point out to them that when they are older they can come back as adults. They may also be concerned about coronavirus if they have followed the news so do try to reassure them on that.

I would definitely make the decision between you as adults and then involve them maybe in looking at houses, schools etc although again in a managed way. For example ds is moving to secondary. He didn't have a free choice of all the schools, but between our top two choices he picked the one he liked the most. They are both excellent schools, so I would be happy with either. Likewise if you are renting a house when you first move, you narrow it down to three you like, then involve them in the final decision (retaining the right to veto).