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Original poster

Unfriended over Covid

51 replies

littleloopylou · 11/03/2021 23:36

A friend of 15 years essentially ghosted me and I was worried about her mental health - she has three small children with SEN issues, hates the UK, and is outraged over the UK response to the pandemic (we are both American)

I decided not to take the presumptive ghosting personally and sent the friend some flowers with a card saying I hope that she's doing ok after the long lockdown.

She railed at me some time back about how piss poor the UK government has been, and about how little people here respect Covid safety, and I told her that I really didn't think it was much better in the US, where we are from. I explained that maybe in NYC people wear masks, but where I'm from in middle America it's a point of pride/liberty to let one's face breathe germs freely.

She has emailed to say thanks for the flowers but that it's better for her mental health not to talk to me because we have very different views about the pandemic and England's handling of it.

I'm a bit taken aback and continue to be worried about her mental health. I told her that I respect her wishes and I won't contact her again, but it's left me a bit Confused

OP posts:
hippychick11 · 11/03/2021 23:39

I'm so sorry. I can understand how hurt you must feel after you were so kind to send her flowers. Do you think in time when things with covid settle down that she might change her mind? Either way I'm so sorry this happened.

Original poster
littleloopylou · 11/03/2021 23:45

@hippychick11

Thanks!

I do hope that we can be friends again. My view is that she's under immense pressure and wants to escape to the US. She didn't like to be challenged given how she feels.

I'm not exactly offended but I am sad and worried for her. She's made it clear that my support is unwanted/unhelpful though, so not much I can do

OP posts:
hippychick11 · 11/03/2021 23:47

@littleloopylou it does sound like she's under a lot of pressure. I know that covid has really done a number on so many people and their mental health. It's understandable that you feel sad. I think you were so kind for reaching out though and a great friend

Interested in this thread?

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Covid-19
SnarkyBag · 11/03/2021 23:48

Blimey she sounds a bit extreme it’s not like you’re a Covid denier and flouting the rules left right and centre. It’s sounds like she must be in quite a fragile place if she can’t cope with a mildly opposing view point.

You’ve been very gracious though so hopefully one day she’ll recognise that

Original poster
littleloopylou · 11/03/2021 23:50

@SnarkyBag yes, that's exactly what I'm hoping. I think she is in a bad place and I hope that she gets through it ok.

I wonder how many other relationships have been impacted this way - I think we will see the effects of Covid for a long time to come

OP posts:
LunaHeather · 11/03/2021 23:53

I think a lot of friendships will go here
As an anti lockdowner, people seem to hear "covid denier". Mention civil rights, - covid denier.

Quite why they think I had the vaccine is beyond me.

I wouldn't link it to her mental health. Everyone is entitled to their view.

I'd just leave it and see what happens.

I am curious though - where are you? Parts of America have been so rational and reasonable but NYC was like us and pretty OTT I thought?

AlexaShutUp · 11/03/2021 23:54

Sounds like she is very anxious. Having lived abroad myself, I think it's incredibly common for ex-pats/immigrants to project all of their worries and unhappiness onto the host country, and to believe that things are so much better back at home. Even when that patently isn't true!

I'm sorry that she has behaved in this way towards you, OP. It's a shame, especially when she probably needs a friend more than ever. I think you did what you could to offer her support. There is nothing more that you can do.

Original poster
littleloopylou · 12/03/2021 00:00

@LunaHeather we are both currently living in London, but not close enough to meet up for the past year.

I live here long term and she has been here for a couple of years. She is from NYC and I'm sure that people there are more compliant than in other parts of the US.

To me, her intense negativity which has been fixated on the UK suggests that she's not coping well. I also think unfriending someone for disagreeing with you is possibly a sign of struggling with mental health. I personally would have been happy to chit chat about other things and avoid the topic altogether.

OP posts:
Original poster
littleloopylou · 12/03/2021 00:02

@LunaHeather my friend thinks that the UK doesn't go far enough and everyone here is massively irresponsible. I simply disagreed that it's worse here than in many parts of the US.

She especially objected to having to send her kid to school without a mask, which I actually do understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
littleloopylou · 12/03/2021 00:03

@AlexaShutUp that's exactly it! I think she has displaced all of her anger and stress onto the UK! My disagreeing threatens her coping mechanism - at least that's my armchair diagnosis Hmm

I do hope she comes around.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 12/03/2021 00:10

I think it's a really common phenomenon, OP - regardless of where people are, or where they originally come from. I guess there is some psychological comfort in believing that your problems are all caused by something "out there" rather than something that is within you. It enables you to preserve the fiction that it could all be resolved if you just went back home.

Deep down, I suspect people know that this isn't really true, otherwise why would they stay so long in the host countries which they claim to hate - why not just go home instead?

LunaHeather · 12/03/2021 00:11

[quote littleloopylou]@LunaHeather my friend thinks that the UK doesn't go far enough and everyone here is massively irresponsible. I simply disagreed that it's worse here than in many parts of the US.

She especially objected to having to send her kid to school without a mask, which I actually do understand.[/quote]
There's the rub

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who wanted to force their child to wear a mask

This is a red line issue for her. I had a really awkward moment at dinner in a pub, with a new friend who said "if you voted Brexit, you can leave right now".

I decided to finish my dinner and then quietly dropped the friendship but I was lucky it was a new friend so easy enough to drop! I really didn't want the drama and I wanted to eat my dinner!

But they were deadly serious.

Cuppachino · 12/03/2021 00:20

I explained that maybe in NYC people wear masks, but where I'm from in middle America it's a point of pride/liberty to let one's face breathe germs freely

I'm a bit confused OP. Are you living in America or UK? Your comment above reads that you're an anti-masker, is that what upset her?

Cuppachino · 12/03/2021 00:20

Sorry, I see now that you're in London.

AlexaShutUp · 12/03/2021 00:22

No @Cuppachino, the OP was just making the point that there hasn't exactly been 100% compliance in the US either, so it isn't necessarily better there than it is here. They are both in the UK.

AlexaShutUp · 12/03/2021 00:22

X post

sonnysunshine · 12/03/2021 00:25

@LunaHeather sadly I couldn't be friends with a Brexiteer it would be too far from my values and beliefs I don't think I could get passed it. I have lots of friends so am lucky I could do with one or two less. All my close friends were opposed so it was never an issue.in fact half of them are European or married to Europeans so not much of a surprise!

Original poster
littleloopylou · 12/03/2021 00:29

Just to clarify, I'm not an anti masker. I generally follow all of the rules and I make polite excuses when neighborhood friends try to get me to meet them at the heaving local playground with our children.

Her issue seems to be that I am not totally negative about the UK approach to the pandemic.

OP posts:
Original poster
littleloopylou · 12/03/2021 00:30

PS I hate to say it, but I would find it hard to be friends with a fervent Brexiteer as well. But I don't think she and I even disagree about Covid in reality, so I find it very confusing.

OP posts:
Cuppachino · 12/03/2021 00:33

No @Cuppachino, the OP was just making the point that there hasn't exactly been 100% compliance in the US either, so it isn't necessarily better there than it is here. They are both in the UK

Ah ok, I get it now thanks. The friend's just not coping by the sounds of it.

LunaHeather · 12/03/2021 00:58

@littleloopylou

PS I hate to say it, but I would find it hard to be friends with a fervent Brexiteer as well. But I don't think she and I even disagree about Covid in reality, so I find it very confusing.
That's okay, though I don't think I am "fervent"

I was just saying some people have their red lines and she wants you to be more pro lockdown etc

After lockdown, I had to make a choice because if I said I'd only be friends with anti lockdowners, I'd literally have one friend left.

Plus I think there a billion shades of grey and reasons why with most views on anything really.

It might come across that she's blaming the UK but I find people are in a strange mental state and constantly contradicting themselves or saying things they don't mean. I now won't discuss politics with anyone. It just upsets me when I'm told my elderly mother should not be allowed in a shop and I'm not convinced some people mean it.

Silvergreen · 12/03/2021 01:36

"I told her that I really didn't think it was much better in the US, where we are from. I explained that maybe in NYC people wear masks, but where I'm from in middle America it's a point of pride/liberty to let one's face breathe germs freely."

This barely even counts as a difference of opinion, never mind something that should damage a 15 year friendship! Perhaps lave it for now and reach out again when lockdown begins easing off and she starts to feel a bit safer and less anxious.

LunaHeather · 12/03/2021 01:39

@Silvergreen

"I told her that I really didn't think it was much better in the US, where we are from. I explained that maybe in NYC people wear masks, but where I'm from in middle America it's a point of pride/liberty to let one's face breathe germs freely."

This barely even counts as a difference of opinion, never mind something that should damage a 15 year friendship! Perhaps lave it for now and reach out again when lockdown begins easing off and she starts to feel a bit safer and less anxious.

Oh wow

I can absolutely see friendships ending over mask views.

OuiOuiKitty · 12/03/2021 02:00

*Oh wow

I can absolutely see friendships ending over mask views.*

They don't appear to have different mask views though? The OP isn't an anti masker like you are. She was just saying that the US isn't Covid utopia and people where she is originally from in the US don't like to wear masks. She never said she agrees with it.

LunaHeather · 12/03/2021 02:41

@OuiOuiKitty

*Oh wow

I can absolutely see friendships ending over mask views.*

They don't appear to have different mask views though? The OP isn't an anti masker like you are. She was just saying that the US isn't Covid utopia and people where she is originally from in the US don't like to wear masks. She never said she agrees with it.

I interpreted it as:

If OP is not angry with those people, then her friend is unhappy because she wants OP to be angry with them too.

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