Unfriended over Covid

[littleloopylou]

A friend of 15 years essentially ghosted me and I was worried about her mental health - she has three small children with SEN issues, hates the UK, and is outraged over the UK response to the pandemic (we are both American)

I decided not to take the presumptive ghosting personally and sent the friend some flowers with a card saying I hope that she's doing ok after the long lockdown.

She railed at me some time back about how piss poor the UK government has been, and about how little people here respect Covid safety, and I told her that I really didn't think it was much better in the US, where we are from. I explained that maybe in NYC people wear masks, but where I'm from in middle America it's a point of pride/liberty to let one's face breathe germs freely.

She has emailed to say thanks for the flowers but that it's better for her mental health not to talk to me because we have very different views about the pandemic and England's handling of it.

I'm a bit taken aback and continue to be worried about her mental health. I told her that I respect her wishes and I won't contact her again, but it's left me a bit

Does your friend have health condition too as well as her kids (not sure what the SEN is yet)

My kids are severely asthma, they have been hospitalized for it , and I could totally understand where she come from. She think people lack empathy for other people.
She will feel much better once the vaccines start rolling in.

My sister wants to go to France because she think they have better compassion for others. She hates America the same reason your friend hate UK

She is angry that she finally found a decent job and COVID-19 happened and then she sees she lost her job for nothing because no one would wear a mask and social distance

My son, husband and I got my vaccines (J&J version) and she said she was able to sleep for a long time . She is relieved now. She still need her but she is too “healthy for one and doesn’t have a essential job to qualify so she can not get hers yet.

@AlexaShutUp I follow people on Instagram and I would rather be in America to an the U.K. how long have we all been in lockdown and for what.

@Blueberries0112 I find it anxious provoking that people think a vaccine is going to change everything straight away and we are all protected. I find that more worrying than the actual virus.

I can see us being in lockdown again at the end of the year. That is frightening.

I really couldn’t be friends with people who are into mask wearing and lockdowns. So maybe your friend feels the same way. Same for religion or people who are unable to talk about a topic such as flat earth. And no I’m not a flat earthier, I just find it interesting when people having opposing viewpoints

I am still going to wear a mask and distant though until they feel it is safe to not to wear one

But it is possible but she is relieved that we probably wont be as bad if we do get it

[quote Kazkepper123]@AlexaShutUp I follow people on Instagram and I would rather be in America to an the U.K. how long have we all been in lockdown and for what.[/quote]
What I wouldn't give to be in Florida or somewhere like that now.

I've no objection to people wearing masks voluntarily but there's been a couple of times I've moved carriages on the Tube because, unluckily, it's all been blokes, bad enough normally but on a deserted Tube with them wearing masks...

@Kazkepper123

I really couldn’t be friends with people who are into mask wearing and lockdowns. So maybe your friend feels the same way. Same for religion or people who are unable to talk about a topic such as flat earth. And no I’m not a flat earthier, I just find it interesting when people having opposing viewpoints

Are those not totally contradictory statements? 'I couldn't be friends with someone who...' whilst also saying 'I couldn't be friends with someone who is unable to talk about opposing viewpoints'

I don't even understand the nature of our disagreement! We are both pro mask. She seems to be angry that I don't think the UK response has been very horrible and insufficient.

I really couldn’t be friends with people who are into mask wearing and lockdowns. So maybe your friend feels the same way.

@Kazkepper123, I don't think you understood the OP's post. Neither she, nor her friend, are anti-maskers.

Funny how people leap to the wrong conclusions.

She sounds a bit mad though and I'd let this one go. I'm also American and living in the UK. Does she know how abysmal the US response has been? Every single friend I have in the US has spent the past year telling me how jealous they are of me that I lived in the UK. It sounds like her unhappiness is bigger than just COVID and you can only do so much, which sounds like you've done.

Honestly OP, you and your friend are amongst zillions who have fallen out during COVID. It hasn't had much coverage but the extreme changes to our lives, and potentially our futures, have changed us and put our relationships to the test.

For many, many people, the anxiety has been extremely difficult to manage and this is expressed in many ways. Which can hurt, a lot.

It isn't you. I think your friend is trying to find ways to feel in control as a means of coping with a stress that is overwhelming her.

And she isn't alone. I have observed TGIS time and again, we are seeing how people manage extreme anxiety and it's not pretty.

@mindutopia yes, I've honestly been confused and perplexed when she complained to me about this. It just seems obvious that the US response isn't very good overall.

She also chose to live in an area of London that is filled with entitled rich people who don't think rules apply to them (I didn't tell her that). In normal times she is reasonably down to earth, but she (or her husband?) seems to feel a need to have some kind of high status so she always surrounds herself with jerks and then complains about them. I think she is stuck in a mire of anger and resentment.

She also complains a lot about the NHS and the terrible standard of care here. I sensed that she didn't want to be challenged after the disagreement about Covid, so when she told me that the speech therapy here is abysmal and US was gold standard so it's just another reason to move back asap, I didn't disagree (for all I know it's true) and just asked her how that's going/whether any progress had been made on her plans. She ignored.

I wonder if my choice to stay here and not complain about it makes her feel threatened in some way.

@AirBubbleMe this all makes sense. It's very sad.

[quote littleloopylou]@AirBubbleMe this all makes sense. It's very sad.[/quote]
It is sad, it feels hard and can be so hurtful. I wonder though if it's pushing us to find truths and strengths about ourselves that will surprise us? At least, that's what happened for me.
Look after yourself. And remember it isn't you, and that maybe your friend is managing the best way she can with possibly fewer resources (resilience) x

@AirBubbleMe absolutely. I've had a terrible past two years and covid has been the least of my problems. I have found reserves of strength that I didn't know I had. I'm not even taking this very personally. It's hurtful, but it's also clear to me that this is probably mostly about her.

[quote littleloopylou]@mindutopia yes, I've honestly been confused and perplexed when she complained to me about this. It just seems obvious that the US response isn't very good overall.

She also chose to live in an area of London that is filled with entitled rich people who don't think rules apply to them (I didn't tell her that). In normal times she is reasonably down to earth, but she (or her husband?) seems to feel a need to have some kind of high status so she always surrounds herself with jerks and then complains about them. I think she is stuck in a mire of anger and resentment.

She also complains a lot about the NHS and the terrible standard of care here. I sensed that she didn't want to be challenged after the disagreement about Covid, so when she told me that the speech therapy here is abysmal and US was gold standard so it's just another reason to move back asap, I didn't disagree (for all I know it's true) and just asked her how that's going/whether any progress had been made on her plans. She ignored.

I wonder if my choice to stay here and not complain about it makes her feel threatened in some way.[/quote]
There's a lot of weirdness in this statement but I think the bottom line is you can't relate to her any more. It isn't just about one issue.

@LunaHeather ha, I know there is a lot there. My point basically is that she complains that people in the UK are terrible and noncompliant, but she seems to be generalising based on the extremely unique /monied / probably not even majority English area where she chose to live.

Again, I didn't argue with her about this. I may have made a vague statement that people where I am generally seem to observe covid restrictions, and I even have agreed with her about some things (like I told her about how jam packed my local playground is and then didn't disagree or comment when she said that this shows how irresponsible English people are).

Maybe she just doesn't like me anymore, who knows.

We have a lot of family in the US and what she's saying makes no sense at all - the response across the US varies so enormously. She does sound unhinged and incapable of rational thinking or discussion. You're being very patient - maybe she will calm down over time but I think I'd be losing my tolerance IIWY by this point.

@Blueberries0112 no, as far as I'm aware no one in her family has any underlying health conditions.

I have noticed in the past that she is extremely risk averse. I am less so.

Ah, she probably frustrated she can’t get the help she need for her children because of COVID. And frustrated because people are not doing their part to end this pandemic so things can go back to normal. My sister is healthy but she is very angry that she lost her job for nothing. She lost it because it is based on sports. She felt why did she lose it to keep people safe when everyone are not doing their part. And yes she worried about dying. She is feeling much better now

I think your friend has been kind or understated the UK government response. I consider Mr Johnson by his neglect and delay to act to be a serial killer in all but name.

My understanding about the US is that it varies a great deal, and mask wearing seemed to be about whether you supported Donald Trump (no mask) or did not (so you wore a mask in enclosed spaces).

Worth pointing out perhaps to your friend OP that Mr Johnson was born in the US and had citizenship until only a few years ago.

@peak2021 the US is all over the place. Trump totally downplayed the pandemic (so federal government was useless) and each state is taking a different approach, frequently led by politics rather than medical advice. My parents live in the Midwest and are anxious all the time because manyvpeople refuse to wear masks.

Also, there is no centralised medical service, so individual people have to work very hard to ensure that they will receive the vaccine/proper medical care if they get sick.

My friend is very wealthy and therefore benefits from all the good aspects of US medical care. (again, I haven't said this to her because I didn't think it was worth th argument)

Now this has turned into anger. I'm thinking of just blocking her on all social media. It's utterly bizarre to tell me she can't talk to me because I feel differently about the UK response to covid.

@AlexaShutUp did you miss reading “I couldn’t...” me.