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Original poster

Trigger warning and morbid but help appreciated

27 replies

nc124 · 11/03/2021 19:47

A family member died two months ago. We have now been informed that they were not frozen and we have been advised not to see them.

Trying to speak to the relevant person is so difficult, I was hoping someone on here may have some knowledge as to what level of decomposition you may expect for somebody who died and bas been refrigerated for approx two months?

Thank you to anyone who can help.

OP posts:
theMoJareajoke · 11/03/2021 19:49

Sorry for your loss.

You asked for honest

They will smell and will probably have started leaking, it will not be pleasant.

Take the advice.

Sorry

ChelseaCat · 11/03/2021 19:56

I would second the advice from @theMoJareajoke

Original poster
nc124 · 11/03/2021 19:57

Thank you @theMoJareajoke that is really helpful.

We have been told an embalmer may be able to do 'something' but given no other info.

With this knowledge I feel more comfortable to steer DM away from going to see them, though I obviously will not share the detail as to why I think she should not go.

OP posts:
Original poster
nc124 · 11/03/2021 20:01

Thank you also, @ChelseaCat

I will be complaining on behalf of my poor DM I think. There have been so many further blows about how things have been handled since our loss. It is my brother who died, he was 31 and it was unexpected. DM brought him into this world and now cannot see him out, my heart breaks for her. She even asked them if he had been frozen last week and was told no, as someone told her seeing a loved one frozen could be upsetting. They didn't give her any other info last week though, so she had been expecting to be able to see him Sad

OP posts:
Holothane · 11/03/2021 20:05

Hugs 💐💐please do not go and see it will not be pleasant.

BookShop · 11/03/2021 20:22

Don’t go. My Nan was looked after badly before embalming and it was horrid to see her in that final state. I wish someone could have warned me. She was stretched, bloated and a rather unusual colour. The room they displayed her in was very cold and absolutely stank of manufactured roses. I still cannot smell any product with rose in without remembering her in that state.

ChelseaCat · 11/03/2021 20:25

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers My thoughts are with you and your poor mum

Juanbablo · 11/03/2021 20:27

I'm so sorry for the both of you. I have to say I would advise not to see him. I saw my dad 10 days after his death and I wish I hadn't. Two months is a long time.

implantsandaDyson · 11/03/2021 20:34

Oh I'm sorry, such a sad time without extra worry and distress. I would definitely try and steer your mum away from seeing her son and I know she will have a primal need to see her child but having had experience of attending an open casket where there was a delay in the usual burial arrangements - just try and advise your mum not to see him. There's only so much an embalmer can do. I wish you and your mum some peace at this really difficult time.

AStrangerToHerself · 11/03/2021 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aknifewith16blades · 11/03/2021 20:40

I am sorry for your loss.

Could you ask for a lock of hair, perhaps, to remember him?

heidbuttsupper · 11/03/2021 20:47

Please do not view your brothers body. I had to identify my late husbands body after he had been dead for 7 weeks. Nothing can prepare you and you will never forget it Sending love x

justanotherneighinparadise · 11/03/2021 20:52

I agree. I was shocked to see my father after he died and his body was preserved correctly. There is no way your mum wants her lasting memory of her child to be the one you describe.

Mum2jenny · 11/03/2021 20:55

Please do not go to see him, it will seriously traumatise you Flowers

Rockdown2020 · 11/03/2021 21:06

I’ve got no advice but I am so sorry for both your loss and this situation. I can’t imagine how horrible it must be for you and it’s heartbreaking for your DM. Flowers

Original poster
nc124 · 11/03/2021 21:06

Thank you all, I still do my best to steer DM very firmly away from seeing him. He had his hair cut in December snd DM said she didn't know how he had it cut (had long hair when we last saw him about a year ago). She had been beating herself up for not knowing what he looked like after his haircut and now she will never know Sad

I will be glad when we can have the funeral. I hate to think of him in this state. He is being cremated. I know it's just his physical shell, but it's still tough.

I'm so sorry for everybody who has lost a loved one, and for those of you who have found seeing your loved ones after their death to be an even more difficult experience than you expected Thanks

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 11/03/2021 21:08

My partner works in a funeral parlour and he's shocked that you're even being given the option to view after so long in only a fridge.

He says he really wouldn't recommend it, and you would be much better holding on to your happy memories of what they looked like before.

The smell of a decomposing body is something that never leaves you. Don't let that be your lasting memory of your loved one ❤️❤️

Wallabyone · 11/03/2021 21:20

I'm so sorry for your loss, this all sounds so sad Sad
Why has there been such a delay in his passing and a service? It sounds inhumane.

ElephantsNest · 11/03/2021 21:20

I haven’t anything further to add information wise. I am so sorry for your loss. Flowers

Original poster
nc124 · 11/03/2021 21:27

@Wallabyone firstly we got told it would be three weeks for a post mortem. When we chased it up we got told they still hadn't done it. He had been dead four weeks before that was completed. Then they had to take tissue samples which we have got to wait 10 weeks for the analysis (about three weeks into that now). Then as they were about to release him to us my DM asked the coroner if they had taken a blood and urine sample and they said no, so she requested they take those and it took them another two weeks to do that. So here we are eight weeks in. Can't book a funeral until the funeral directors have collected him, which should be very soon zx

OP posts:
Greybeardy · 11/03/2021 21:37

Just a thought but when we had a difficult choice about whether to see my my brother after he died traumatically the funeral director said they could see his body and use their experience/discretion to take photos for us to see if they thought it would be helpful and not distressing. Perhaps you could ask them if that’s a possibility if you’re not sure (they didn’t think it would be helpful for us in the end).

NeedSomeInfoAgain · 11/03/2021 21:45

So sorry you and your mum are going through this. Did your brother have any friends who might have a post-haircut photo? Or is there one on social media or a work pass maybe? I know it's less likely due to lockdown and depends very much on your brother's circumstances. I think a lock or two of hair could be immensely comforting for your mum, just to be able to keep something physical in the years ahead.

danni0509 · 11/03/2021 21:58

So sorry to you and your mum @nc124

Wallabyone · 12/03/2021 07:20

I'm so very sorry; that is so unfair for your family. Sending love and strength x

Milomonster · 12/03/2021 07:27

Can’t imagine the distress for your poor mum. I am so sorry for your loss and for the others mentioned in the post Flowers.

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