How often do you think about your birth experience?

[daisyjgrey]

Regardless of whether it was good or bad, how often do you think about or relive portions (or all) of our birth experiences?

I ask because I'm stuck in a bit of limbo regarding some mental health issues and I've realised that I think about at least a snippet of it, usually more, at least once a day, and my child is ten.

I was hoping to get some other answers for some context.

Quite often. Maybe once a month. And only ever DS1 (12) (as DS2 was a planned section and quite uneventful).

I think of DS1's birth simply because it was sooo weird. Not traumatic, but odd.

Probably a few times per month, DS is 7... my experience on the post-natal ward was horrendous. I will never forget being in floods of tears in the middle of a breastfeeding nightmare and in a lot of pain post surgical, with fuck all privacy on a ward with 5 other women and their families, and not enough staff around (not their fault I might add!!) My previous experience with DD's birth was not easy (EMCS) but I was fine afterwards, and I rarely think about it.

DS1 is 4, Ds2 is 3 months. I'd say i think about one of the labours at least once a week.

I have a teenager, and for the first 10-12yrs would have very vivid memories around the birth on each birthday. But in the last few years, it has lessened. So yes, the strong memories would flood back annually for many many years. (I also never repeated the experience).

Mines was pretty awful by most standards, but never thought much about it after. I can tell people what happened when they ask but don't get upset about it.

I have always been able to compartmentalise fairly well. When out of work I dont think or worry about work or lose sleep over it etc, same with ds's birth, it happened but all is well now so no need to dwell on it.

If you are struggling with your feelings think about what you need to cope and ask for it.

I had a terribly traumatic birth and suffered from PTSD afterwards. Medication helped that, as did time, but the biggest shift happened when I was able to sit down with my midwife (I had intended to deliver with her, but ended up at another hospital in an emergency) and she went through my medical notes, explaining exactly what had happened and why. Knowing that what had happened was not my fault and not "normal," plus being really listened to and taken seriously, was tremendously healing for me.
I still think about it - my son is 3 and I think about it probably every couple of weeks, it just comes to mind - but not with the tremendous pain, flashbacks, and trauma that surrounded the memory the first months after the birth.
Do you think having a debrief might help?

Quite often it's made me scared and distrustful of medical professionals. Birth itself went ok thankfully but leading up to it I spend the majority of the time alone in thinking me and my baby were dying. The midwives I came across didn't have a caring bone in their bodies

I had 2 completely symptom free pregnancy’s and 2 relatively straight forward births despite having a number of medical conditions, I count myself luck as I was really expecting the worse. I don’t really think about it too much unless I’m swapping stories with someone. I can recall it detail to detail but for the most part it stays at the back of my mind.

@Ruthietuthie

Yes I did have a debrief a couple of years ago, I think it made things worse if I'm honest. I don't think I was ready for it and although the midwife did apologise, it's a bit of a hollow apology I suppose. It doesn't change what happened or how I've been affected by it. I don't know what else she could have done in that situation though so I'm not criticising her.

@inmyslippers

Yes I am very distrustful of medical professionals. All of them, birth related or not. I was trying to explain to my fiancé how even though an NHS counsellor isn't in any way related to pre/antenatal or birth, they're still working within the institution that failed me over and over again.

I too was left alone for long periods of time before the actual birth, I was in hospital because there was a tiny chance I was getting pre-eclampsia so was in for observation and by chance my waters broke. I was on a totally empty ward at 2am not knowing what to do and was essentially told "oh you'll be ages yet" but was having contractions and leaking water for a long time. Nobody helped me change my clothes or do a nothing remotely pleasant or helpful. Some things happened which I didn't consent to but was told I had to have and I was told I couldn't have anyone up with me on the ward even though it was empty. Like you I sent most of the time trying to figure out what the fuck to do with contractions to make them more comfortable and wondering if I was just going to be left there for the duration to just deal with it myself. It was my first (and only) baby and it was bloody terrifying!

Where do they hide the nice midwives? I've met loads in non-medical situations and they're all lovely. I'm sure it's a conspiracy.

It's a really upsetting feeling when a nurse isn't nice with you. I remember crying in hospital once because of the horrible unsympathetic way I was being treated when I was feeling desperate and in pain and afraid. I struggle to be in hospital at all after that experience. I have to take in bags of comfort items if I have to stay overnight.

Im currently 24 weeks pregnant so at the moment I have been thinking about it alot. Mine was very sudden and unexpected at 37+7 and I wasn't actually sure for a while if it was real labour. When I got to the hospital I was already 8cm and she was born not long after with 3 quick pushes and a bit of gas and air. It was very intense but also really wonderful. Painful but over quickly so not too bad. I keep hoping that I have a similar birth this time, but am also scared that this baby will make an even quicker entrance! I am finishing work at 37+3 this time (last time I was still working the day I went into labour) and will be better at spotting the signs and just get to the hospital. And hopefully this time I will have a bloody bag packed!!

@daisyjgrey, you poor thing, that sounds absolutely horrific. I can completely understand why the debrief didn't help and why the apology was so shallow.
For me, I think it helped because the midwife did say, very clearly, that what happened to me should NEVER have happened, was horrific. My experience was acknowledged for the terrifying thing it was. I felt genuine empathy, sorrow and care. I am so sorry you had to go through all that. Sending you support and compassion.

OP, I saw you said you’re a full time PhD student? I was until recently too - does your uni offer any healthcare services / mental health provisioning?

I am not a specialist by any means, but it seems like obtaining skilled MH provision from the NHS is proving traumatic - perhaps a fresh start with a counsellor or whoever you can access via uni might offer an opportunity to talk about it?

Honestly, most days. But that's because I had two thankfully lovely experiences, loved the post natal period, and am really broody but not sure whether it's sensible to have another. So I replay it in my mind, and reminisce.

I can appreciate that's very different from intrusive thoughts after a difficult birth though.

Not really, I only remember snippets. This poor scared looking student midwife being told by her
Mentor ‘feel her tummy when she had a contraction’ and the student midwife whispering to me ‘I’ve got no idea what I’m feeling for’ after her mentor left the room 😂😂 I was her first ever labour, bless her! Then when it got to the pushing bit there was another woman pushing in the adjoining room and I could hear her screaming as well and it made me laugh as it just seemed really bizarre. Generally a good experience though except when the midwife was massaging my stomach for what seemed like years after the birth but was probably 10 minutes max. I was begging her to stop as it was so painful 😥

Often. DS is 11mo. I well up every time I see labour/newborns on tv. It was very, very traumatic. Im not having abother because of it.

Rarely I had an easy enough experience. I do think of a different traumatic experience regularly, speaking to a professional will help.

I highly recommend that you look into some counselling. I had a traumatic birth experience with my son (almost 4), none of it was anyone's "fault" (he got stuck at the shoulders, they hit the panic button and there were a few hairy minutes before they got him out) but I've carried the experience with me ever since.

In a combination with other events I finally realised that I needed to talk to someone and started CBT just before Christmas. I had 12 sessions (finished a few weeks ago) and it has helped me no end, I'm not "fixed" but I have better coping strategies to deal with situations that might trigger me.

The key thing for me was the realisation that my issue was not about the birth per se (there are also other issues) but that it all stemmed from feelings of failure - I had problems conceiving both of my children, a very bad breastfeeding experience with my first child, then the traumatic birth - and the narrative in my head was that it was my "fault" that I had "failed" to do these things.

Please speak to someone, I wish I had done it sooner.