How often do you think about your birth experience?

[daisyjgrey]

Regardless of whether it was good or bad, how often do you think about or relive portions (or all) of our birth experiences?

I ask because I'm stuck in a bit of limbo regarding some mental health issues and I've realised that I think about at least a snippet of it, usually more, at least once a day, and my child is ten.

I was hoping to get some other answers for some context.

@FelicityPike

That must be a difficult thing not to know, I can understand why that would bother you. HCP's not communicating basic things like that when you're very vulnerable is very hard to deal with.

Not very much. My birth didn’t go to plan & was an EMCS. I had worked towards a natural birth all along, and was almost there... But I’m glad the doctors intervened, and very grateful for the quick-thinking midwife I had.

I had a very traumatic birth and a tragic loss. I think about my angel baby once a day or once every few days (it was 4 years ago), but I don’t think about the birth all that much anymore. I have subsequently had a more peaceful happy birth with my rainbow child.

I don’t say this to brag, but just to signpost that MH services can help - I had 8 months of fortnightly bereavement counselling sessions at the hospital - and it can help you address the trauma and get some closure.

I think it’s possible to fixate on it like a scab you keep picking at, and it’s worthwhile getting some help. Good luck to you OP. I’m sorry this is still upsetting you and I hope you are able to get some closure on this.

Only when it comes up in conversation or something reminds me, though I had two pretty much textbook perfect home births.

I do have something else in my life that was quite traumatic and I think about that every day. I suspect it’s because of the trauma (have had therapy, it helped but obviously still stuck on rinse and repeat and not sure how one ever gets past that).

Most days I would say. Not every day, but perhaps every other day?
I had a lovely birth experience with no real trauma except for an awkward exit from DS which resulted in several tears and 3 lots of stitches
I probably think about it mostly in the context that I wonder if I'll ever get to have a birth experience again - have been unsuccessful in having a second DC (DS was IVF and have had several failed IVF attempts/miscarriage since)

Having another DC is constantly at the forefront of my mind and I think about that a lot, every single day, as almost everything in life reminds me of it and leads my brain back to that thought somehow.

Equally I think several times each day how amazing and special DS is and how lucky I am that he is healthy, and that IVF worked first time for us to have him, and that leads me back to how special his birth was and the moment I met him

Everytime I look at my disabled child. Thank you one particular midwife.

@ZaphodBeeblerox

I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm glad you have had a subsequent experience with birth that has helped in some way.

I self referred to IAPT recently but it all went a bit sideways. They sent me a form to fill out about all medical procedures/appointments/admissions I had had in the past however long and it was an unpleasant conversation explaining why I didn't want to do it and why it was difficult. Then they said they were essentially only able to offer CBT which I would prefer to avoid. I managed about 10 minutes of the initial phone call where you go through what the problem is (as much as you can compress 10 years into 45 minutes), before I realised I was wildly uncomfortable talking to this unknown person. I didn't trust them and they didn't make me feel comfortable so I ended the call and stopped the referral process.

I think I've reached a bit of a stalemate in that I don't know how to fix it and the options available I'm not physically able to do/ready for.

A crappy limbo of useless, if you will.

My dc is 8 and I think about the birth a lot. It was horrible. When I tried to have a debrief at the hospital about it they said it was a 'completely normal vaginal birth' almost asking what I was fussing about.
But the pushing stage lasted about 7 hours and I was taken away from the midwife unit and given the drip with no pain relief. Nearly had a 4th degree tear.
I get a bit queasy and shaky thinking of it all still.

Very rarely unless talking about it with other people. I just gave birth 5 weeks ago to my third, it was quite traumatic and I think I was in shock afterwards, but even now, 5 weeks later I don't really think about it.

Two or three times a year, he's nearly 17 now. Less frequently as the years have gone by. Always when I'm in the shower - it kind of crashes into my head & I feel a kind of shame and humiliation. I sob for just a few seconds & then push it out of my head completely. It's funny, I'm typing this now quite dispassionately & am not in any danger of being overwhelmed by memories. I can choose not to think about it usually.

@Lovelymonkeyninetynine

I think we're coming from a similar place. I didn't have a huge trauma like some of the PP's but a collection of small ones throughout my pregnancy and birth and into post birth care which have culminated in something much bigger than the sum of it's parts if that makes sense.

I also had a GP say "What, the birth you had ten years ago, you can't still be bothered by that" when I refused a procedure and explained briefly that I was carrying some birth trauma which meant I wasn't happy to consent to it. I think they see such a wide variety of experiences that they forget each experience happens to a person.

Like the old adage "oh don't be embarrassed, I see hundreds of vaginas a week"...great, YOU might, but MY vagina doesn't see similar viewing traffic so it's not comparable.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Ahh congratulations! That's good that even though it wasn't the birth you might have wanted that you're able to not dwell on it. I do wonder why some women can go through something and be ok and some go through similar things and not be.

After 2.5 years I sometimes have nightmares about the bleeding (I had vasa previa). Otherwise only when people assume that I had a normal pregnancy or labour and I have to explain.

@Illegible

Yes I am similar in that I can normally stop the thoughts when they occur and it's only when my guard is down that I struggle to and the merry go round starts up. Again similarly sometimes I can be absolutely fine and just think about it a little and move on and sometimes just a quick thought or saying a couple of words about it will make me cry.

And I am definitely not a crier.

It sounds like it’s not so much your birth but more your treatment by health care professionals that you relive and has that lasting impact on you which is subtly different to it being your birth experience. Would it be fair to say you didn’t feel in control/didn’t consent to some of your treatment? I wonder if you could afford to pay privately for therapy if you may find it more helpful.
I had a very traumatic birth 4 years ago and when my second baby was born a year ago that trauma was triggered. I had cbt following that and it’s helped me be able to see my second birth as healing and I would say that I don’t very often think about my births now. I don’t particularly like the birth conversations with other mums though as my first is one of those stories that people are shocked at and my second was an elective c section which people can be a bit odd about

Just for balance... I had a positive birth experience and think about it quite often (caveat, my DS is only 2.5 and I have always wanted another baby, now pregnant again).

I don't think that frequency of thinking about your birth is an issue in itself... I think it's how you feel about it that's the issue.

Judging by your recent healthcare experiences, it sounds as though you're feeling quite traumatised and it would be worth working through that. It's possible to ask for a birth debrief with a midwife, I know your child is now 10 but it may still be possible after all this time. Regardless, some therapy would probably be helpful too.

A fair bit.I had a horrible experience resulting in pnd and ptsd.I have one ds 7 and will never have another.

@user1493413286

Yes you're right for the most part, it was mainly that I had things happen to me that I didn't know about/wasn't asked if it was ok (and would have been fine and appropriate to ask, I wasn't on the brink of death and demanding consent for them to save me, for example). Somethings happened that weren't explained, people came in to the room and touched me/did things to me pre and post birth that I wasn't spoken to about. I was very much someone that things happened to, rather than the birth being something I participated in, which is why I struggle a lot with medical situations now. The majority of the people who did the things that have affected me were also male, so I'm extremely wary of male HCPs. It's very difficult to rationalise that if a man did some of those things without my consent in any other situation, it would be a serious assault.

I had a difficult pregnancy and the strange treatment of me seemed to have started then. I don't know if it was because I was young(ish) or just sheer bad luck. I was in a bad marriage at the time and nobody advocated for me, in pregnancy, birth or postnatally.

I have made contact with a private therapist today who specialises in EMDR, although I have no idea how I would fund it if that is what I need, I'm a full time PhD student so can't throw money at the problem.

Firstly Daisy whether or not anyone else acknowledges it, it's important to say that these feelings are important because you're still experiencing them.
Often if they're persisting there might be a block to properly processing these feelings. It sounds like there was a lot of fear at the time and maybe some anger too at your boundaries being pushed, maybe in your relationship but also from the HCPs.
It's important to you, I would do some journaling if you can or something creative or seeing if you can access online counselling (you may be able to get a £10 or affordable provision).
Any way thanks for sharing your experience, women are often just told to forget about it and be grateful we and the child survived, as if that means we mustn't have any other more complex feelings about birth.

[quote daisyjgrey]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Ahh congratulations! That's good that even though it wasn't the birth you might have wanted that you're able to not dwell on it. I do wonder why some women can go through something and be ok and some go through similar things and not be.[/quote]
We are all different OP. I had bad pnd with my second baby and I had a great birth with him, but I dwell on how I felt at that point of my life a lot. I was also a single mum with my first and I beat myself up constantly about wether I was a good enough mum to him when it was just the two of us. Certain things just stick with us. I hope you can get some help to work through your feelings.

@anamazingfind

Everytime I look at my disabled child. Thank you one particular midwife.

Yes my child also has a lifelong condition due to her birth and one particular midwife.

I’m so sorry this happened to you and your child.

My children are all teens/young adults. I do still occasionally think about their births but normally only if someone asks me, or maybe on their birthdays. But although none of my births was straightforward they weren't traumatic.
Trauma of any kind can influence your whole life. I suffered PTSD after a car crash and benefitted greatly from seeing a psychologist.
Maybe the Birth Trauma Association would be a good place for you to look?
www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/
I hope you can get the help you need - PTSD is awful but there are people who can help.

It took a lot for my mum to over come my birth and she still talks about it 30 year later. She was badly cut (cut too much according to the midwife she had with her) also by a male doctor.

Not often. Baby is 3.5 months.

My son is ten and I rarely think about his birth, to answer your first question.

But I think I know what you are talking about. I had a gynaecological medical procedure before my son was born and there were things that I wasn't made aware that gave me the major, major creeps. That stuck in my head for a while afterwards. I made a complaint about it and that helped a lot.