Child has done something worrying, feel sick

[seriouslyworriedhelp]

First off I'm not a troll, but I have a situation that has me so seriously worried that I've had to name change.

My 10 (nearly 11) yr old DD has WhatsApp. She's only got a few people on there, family and three friends. She's always talking to them and it's been nice as due to lockdown she's not seen any friends obviously. She doesn't have a sim right now (the sim slot broke and we said we'd give her a new phone for secondary school, but we don't want her wasting data when she's home and can use WIFI.

I looked at her phone today after I had a security alert. It was not connected to WhatsApp, but I noticed her friend saying he'd sort out the problem with the other friend, so I looked at the thread with her other friend.

I feel sick with what I saw. She has sent this girl a photo of her knickers (on her), with a caption saying 'mum's boobs', then another of a blurry, out of focus thing, that I really cannot make out, but it could be pubic hair (it is really blurry, but looks like the general shape of her bottom).

There are also lots of deleted things.

I've uninstalled WhatsApp and I know she will see this as unfair, but I don't know how to tackle this.

This seems so serious (yes I'm sure I was curious as a child and know that we girls used to compare, but there was no photos, no social media, so we could pretend it didn't exist).

She is going to be distraught that she can no longer access WA, especially as this friend is a friend of the boy and neither go to to her school, so she can't talk to them any other way.

I just feel sick, that the police are going to come. I don't know how to address this with her and make her see that I'm protecting her by deleting and preventing her access to this. I'm worried as she goes to secondary school is September (an all girl's school) and worry that we've made the wrong choice in regards to that now.

Any advice, anyone?

So your daughter sent a picture of herself wearing knickers to a friend is that what you're saying?

Like you say, we were all curious when we were young, she probably knew what she was doing was ‘rude’ but doesn’t really understand how rude. I would sit her down and explain all about the reasons why you don’t send pictures like that. I am sure she will be embarrassed enough never to do it again anyway!!! Kids do silly things. I very much doubt the police will come!! They would see it for what it was, a child messing around surely?!!

She sent a photo of her legs spread (lying down), showing her knickers and one where it looks (but the picture is blurry) of her without knickers on.

Thank you, I was abused as a child and get very tetchy about it.

This is sharing indecent images I fear. It’s a safeguarding red flag and you need to discuss it with school or someone.

Firstly it’s a criminal offence but she’s too young to be held responsible I think.

Secondly she is very young to even think of this without some form of grooming or even abuse.

She needs safeguarding and an investigation. It’s not her fault. It’s inappropriate though and something is going on

I think my immediate concern would be what the deleted pictures are of.
I would only assume worse as why were these left?

I would speak to their parents.

Of course it's a stupid thing to do but the police won't come. See this as a warning. Remind her that anyone she sends photos to could save them or share them or have their devices hacked so anyone in the world could see them. You need to shock her into understanding how serious this is. Speak to the other parents and ask them to delete the photos.

In future check her phone daily on the spot, she has to hand it over at any time as a condition of having the phone. Set screen time so she only has access at certain times. Never allow it at night.

I understand why you are so worried. My DS at primary school did something similar that worried me at the time. I spoke to him firmly and calmly about the seriousness of what he had shared. Honestly in his eyes it was just something "gross" to share for laughs, and could just as easily have been a picture of dog poo. He wasn't looking at what he had shared with an adult view point. Does that make sense?
Please don't panic, take this opportunity to have a talk about safety and what we do and do not share. Get in touch with the other child's parents to explain and make sure the picture has been deleted their end. No one is going to call the police, unless they are completely bonkers.

Your DD aged 10/11 sent a photo of herself wearing knickers to a female friend of similar age? I don’t think you need to worry about the police but I would be having a sit down chat with her. Explain the dangers (photo could be shared, never get the photo back etc).

Just an add on to say that we never allowed phones or tech into the children's bedrooms at this age.

If the police come over, I hope you have informed them of your concerns. I trust that they will be sending over people who have experience in working with children and grooming.

I trust that it will be constructive with a strong emphasis on boundaries and how the law is there to protect her rather than something strictly punative.

Either way, make sure you can have this recorded and keep your own records.

The caption has thrown me off as I don't understand it in relation to the pic?

There's loads of resources on the CEOP website on how to handle stuff like this. Mine aren't teens yet but I dread this age of social media and phones that are coming my way soon.

A frank chat is needed - but don't go guns blazing or she will clam up and you'll close the door on any future conversations. Plus - you want her to feel comfortable to approach you if she has any worries.

I would definitely, gently outline the risks of what she's done, things getting shared in to cyberspace are impossible to retrieve and hide. And find out why she's sent it in the first place? Without the surrounding context of their conversation it's hard to understand why. Is she insecure? Or was she pressured into it? She's actually committed an offence by sharing indecent images of a child, regardless if it's of herself (she would never get prosecuted - it's not in the public interest) but an offence nonetheless. And if her friend still had the pic she's in possession (ex-police - not an armchair lawyer).

Tread carefully, educate her. And figure out how she can earn your trust back to use social media again.

She's probably mortified as well that you've seen - lesson learnt already without mass punishment. Good luck dealing with it.

Yeah, you need to have a VERY robust talk with her.

Over ten is over age of criminal responsibility and any one she has sent it to who has forwarded it or saved it has indecent images.
The very least I would be doing is speaking to the other parents.

You need a calm and very serious talk with your daughter about the consequences of sending these images. And then regular random phone checks.

I would also speak to the safeguarding lead at school about what you have found.

It would surprise you just how many parents go through this - bloody social media has a lot to answer for!

@Helenluvsrob She is only at home with me and DH. Since she was young I was the only one putting her to bed, bathing her, etc. In fact she's never been alone with DH (through circumstance, not suspicion btw, I don't really go out), so she has never been abused, I'm 100% certain of that. As for grooming? We have strict parental guards, we've banned all comments on YouTube, Roblox, etc. We did ban Gacha Life on Youtube, when looking at her history we saw that she looked at video (which was classed as safe for kids), of a Gacha animation of bondage.

I'm not sure what the captions referred to, it seems so different to how she is with us and in school. She's gone absolutely mental, crying, slamming doors, when we didn't let her take her phone upstairs (this was mid-afternoon).

I can see why you’re upset. I have no experience in this area but I think I would be gently trying to find out why she took and sent these pictures (and any other deleted ones). Was she being asked to?

TBH I'd be concerned that shes watching something / been exposed to something completely inappropriate. Does she watch stuff on the phone / do you monitor it?

What's she's done is hopefully harmless but bloody stuipd. Don't let her have whatsapp back, she doesnt need it.

My 10 year olds have ipods with no SIM so can only use imessage, I check what they're doing daily and they cant have them in their bedroom. Bloody Youtube has an awful lot to answer for too, they can only watch that when an adult is in the room too.

@zippityzip Thank you, very reasoned. I don't understand why I'm so shaky. We've talked about people online, basic stuff about grooming and talking to strangers (she isn't allowed Snapchat as she added someone she didn't know). She's not allowed TikTok, despite throwing tantrums as all her friends are, then she pulls this stunt!

I don't know the girl's parents, I don't even know her surname, she's never met her, she's a classmate of her other friend, will try to ask his mum.

Op, I’m not clear on who she sent these images to. Was it a girl friend her same age? Or the boy that the girl is friend with? What age is he? Do you know these children at alll or know their families? You really don’t know who was on the end of the WA conversation or what they were saying to your daughter, her friend may have an older relative who has been communicating on her phone with your dd even if your dd thinks she’s chatting with her friend. There’s all sorts of layer a going on here. Are all of the deleted images ones that your daughter sent or are some of them ones that have been sent to her? Have you looked in her photo library to see what’s in there? WA normally saves images etc directly to the phone if not changed in settings.
Honestly if I was you, I’d be confiscating the phone, and sitting her down to ask if she’s ok and what’s been going on. Make her feel safe not in trouble and then contact the school for support

I'm a bit concerned that she has never met this girl. Are you sure she is who she says she is?

Have you had a chat with your daughter regarding internet safety? The age limit for WhatsApp is currently 16yrs raised from 13 yrs. From your post it sounds like you are aware she has the app and she hasn’t gone behind your back, surely internet safety/ what she is / isn’t allowed to do should have been discussed in depth before you allowed her a phone.

Wait so she showing know the person these photos went to?? So it might not be a girl her age?!

Even if it is who she thinks, I think you need to get the police and parents involved to ensure these are deleted on their end. You really don’t want these being shared around.

It sounds like her idea of what is appropriate is really off kilter and I would be worried about where she was learning this. What was the context of the messaging, I don’t understand from your description what actually happened?

Yes I'm sure it was to the girl and the girl is her age (seen her on video calls, heard her voice notes).

We have talked about safety, she definitely knows that photos of underwear are not allowed. I'm not sure what made her do it, it started off with photos of her head, lots of them, then suddenly this at the end. There were no messages from the other girl in between.

I will try to be calm (unlike now), and try to make her see just how wrong it was.