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Original poster

Child has done something worrying, feel sick

48 replies

seriouslyworriedhelp · 08/03/2021 13:07

First off I'm not a troll, but I have a situation that has me so seriously worried that I've had to name change.

My 10 (nearly 11) yr old DD has WhatsApp. She's only got a few people on there, family and three friends. She's always talking to them and it's been nice as due to lockdown she's not seen any friends obviously. She doesn't have a sim right now (the sim slot broke and we said we'd give her a new phone for secondary school, but we don't want her wasting data when she's home and can use WIFI.

I looked at her phone today after I had a security alert. It was not connected to WhatsApp, but I noticed her friend saying he'd sort out the problem with the other friend, so I looked at the thread with her other friend.

I feel sick with what I saw. She has sent this girl a photo of her knickers (on her), with a caption saying 'mum's boobs', then another of a blurry, out of focus thing, that I really cannot make out, but it could be pubic hair (it is really blurry, but looks like the general shape of her bottom).

There are also lots of deleted things.

I've uninstalled WhatsApp and I know she will see this as unfair, but I don't know how to tackle this.

This seems so serious (yes I'm sure I was curious as a child and know that we girls used to compare, but there was no photos, no social media, so we could pretend it didn't exist).

She is going to be distraught that she can no longer access WA, especially as this friend is a friend of the boy and neither go to to her school, so she can't talk to them any other way.

I just feel sick, that the police are going to come. I don't know how to address this with her and make her see that I'm protecting her by deleting and preventing her access to this. I'm worried as she goes to secondary school is September (an all girl's school) and worry that we've made the wrong choice in regards to that now.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 08/03/2021 13:53

How awful for you to find this. I agree that a calm chat is needed, a reminder that her private parts are private to her and I’d explore what made her send the pictures with a clear explanation of why it worries you. I’d also be contacting her friends parents and if at all possible the parents of the other child. Part of the problem with social media is that very young children can feel pressured in to doing things they’d never do face to face, so a conversation about peer pressure and doing things because someone asked you to is needed.

She wouldn’t be prosecuted at that age but depending on why she sent them (eg is grooming an issue) you might want to talk to the police. There are good resources on CEOPs website - child friendly animations about online safety that you could watch with her.

Original poster

seriouslyworriedhelp · 08/03/2021 13:57

Thank you, I've just found some resources online for children like her and will look at the suggestion.

OP posts:

scaredsadandstuck · 08/03/2021 13:59

I'm confused OP. She sent the pic to a girl she knows but has never met who is a friend of a male school friend? Also, I didn't think whatsapp worked without a SIM? I thought you needed a phone number.

Anyway - I can understand why you feel so upset and shaky about it all. Sounds like you need a calm but very serious talk with her, like PP have said. You also definitely need to find out if the person she sent the pics to is who they say they are and alert their parents too. Perhaps go through school to check this out? School can also support by doing some general conversations about being safe etc.

Sandgrown1970 · 08/03/2021 14:01

Sorry no real advice as it’s an unenviable and delicate situation but in terms of the caption could it have been some sort of a dare to take and send certain pictures?

So the friend might have messaged her “your knickers”

So she sent a picture of that, with the caption of “mums boobs” meaning dare you to send a picture of your mum’s boobs?

It’s easy to see how a childish game like that could escalate...OR be used by a groomer .

Original poster

seriouslyworriedhelp · 08/03/2021 14:07

The girl is a classmate of her friend (who we've known personally for years). They've been talking for months, they met in a group set up by her male friend. I know she is real as the boy's mum has talked about her, plus I've seen her when they've video called.

She did have a sim card and number, which is when WA was installed, it still worked after the sim tray broke, no idea why, but doubt it will now I've uninstalled it.

They did play dare (something to do with pouring water over themselves), months back, but I told her she was not allowed to do dares.

OP posts:

KingAlex · 08/03/2021 14:11

No one is going to call the police, unless they are completely bonkers.

If my child was being sent indecent images I would definitely contact the police!

OP you need to speak to school about what has happened and make sure your DD is safe.
I would remove the phone completely for now. Then maybe consider a phone with no internet access in a year or 2.

Sandgrown1970 · 08/03/2021 14:14

They’d probably just be rephrasing “dare” as “photo challenge” or something at that age.

There’s nothing wrong with approaching school/schools about this. Your daughter won’t get in trouble. They’d likely have some support available. There was a similar incident when one of mine was in year 7 and they got the police in to give a talk on internet sexual exploitation and grooming and how to stay safe which was really age appropriate and helpful and they had a follow up session with parents. If the other girl is at another school you should report to their child protection lead too. Sadly it’s really not uncommon at school at all especially in these sorts of year groups.

sophiet882 · 08/03/2021 14:24

no advice but i have noticed you seem quite strict, saying she's not allowed gacha life, no dates etc.

HollowTalk · 08/03/2021 14:25

I'd phone the other girl's mum and apologise and ask her to delete the photos.

Original poster

seriouslyworriedhelp · 08/03/2021 14:41

@sophiet882 we stopped her using gacha life after we found she'd watched a video on there about sex and bondage. It was flagged as being suitable for children, but clearly wasn't. Quite a few gacha videos circumnavigate age rules, whilst being inappropriate. Not sure what you mean by dates? She hasn't seen anyone due to lockdown.

OP posts:

sophiet882 · 08/03/2021 14:43

sorry, i meant dares.

Original poster

seriouslyworriedhelp · 08/03/2021 14:48

@sophiet882 Oh OK, I thought she was a bit young to be dating! Maybe I was a bit mean, but I didn't want her tipping water everywhere and it was cold at the time (she floods the bathroom when having a bath/shower, so a bucket of water would be horrendous). Thanks to a previous poster it is true that WA is not suitable for under 16s, I guess I didn't see the harm of her talking to a girl her own age whilst stuck inside, lesson learned! I really took my eye off the ball, and need to be even stricter for the time being.

OP posts:

UhtredRagnarson · 08/03/2021 14:53

Hi OP I had a similar scenario when my Dc was younger than this. The police were noticed by the platform (it wasn’t WhatsApp) and the first I heard was when the police arrived with a warrant to search the house. The removed all devices. Their concern was that my child had been groomed to send the image. He hadn’t and the case was closed after a few months and our devices returned. Very traumatic. I just wanted to share this to let you know the police may get in touch. If they do you just cooperate fully.

BronwenFrideswide · 08/03/2021 14:54

he'd sort out the problem with the other friend, so I looked at the thread with her other friend.

Is the he in this sentence a typo? If not, who is he, why is he trying to sort out things with other friend, what is the issue with other friend?

I too would be worried about your daughter, OP, something doesn't feel right.

cricketmum84 · 08/03/2021 14:57

[quote seriouslyworriedhelp]@zippityzip Thank you, very reasoned. I don't understand why I'm so shaky. We've talked about people online, basic stuff about grooming and talking to strangers (she isn't allowed Snapchat as she added someone she didn't know). She's not allowed TikTok, despite throwing tantrums as all her friends are, then she pulls this stunt!

I don't know the girl's parents, I don't even know her surname, she's never met her, she's a classmate of her other friend, will try to ask his mum.[/quote]
Totally understandable to be shaky and upset. They are children and it's awful to think they have been exposed to things like this.

My DD is also 11 and we recently found some very adult chats on a SM site we had never even heard of before. I felt exactly the same, was in tears at the thought of it all.

As I said before definitely speak to safeguarding team at school. Ours is doing a virtual assembly for each year group on online safety on the back of what I've told them.

Easterbunnygettingready · 08/03/2021 14:57

Phone needs rmwibwd altogether.. Ds had a phone for a few weeks at 10 (given by a sibling against my better judgement) he was giving his mates irritating phienb/hang up /prank calls.
He got it back at secondary last Sept.. No issues as yet.
10 is way too young full stop..

JackieTheFart · 08/03/2021 14:57

You’ve done the right thing.

And indecent photos can be sent via sms as easily as WhatsApp, I never really understand why it’s considered so much more dangerous just because there is an age rating.

JackieTheFart · 08/03/2021 14:58

Also, I think now school is back, it’s a perfect time for it to be removed until secondary school.

Newpuppymummy · 08/03/2021 14:59

You’ve done the right thing and removing the phone. I would definitely talk to the other mum as there may be screenshots of the deleted images. There’s lots of advice online around talking to children about this kind of thing.

nimbuscloud · 08/03/2021 15:06

Have you been in touch with the other parents yet?

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 08/03/2021 15:18

I think it might be worth a casual chat and advice from the police. Honestly I think the other child needs checked out. What if she is being abused? Or used to procure pictures of her friends for an abuser? Probably nothing but possibly something very serious.

At the VERY least, you need to speak to the other parents if you're not going the police route.

8090sTv · 08/03/2021 15:36

I used to work in a sexual exploitation related field. The NSPCC probably have resources on how to tackle talking about online safety. Maybe give some examples of what could happen.

One strategy workers used a lot was to say what would you say if it was your friend.

Also its good to have these conversations in a car or on a walk as it is a lot easier to be open when not face to face.

Jellycatspyjamas · 08/03/2021 16:31

*One strategy workers used a lot was to say what would you say if it was your friend.

Also its good to have these conversations in a car or on a walk as it is a lot easier to be open when not face to face.*

I’d echo this advice, it’s much easier to talk while doing something else, car journeys are great for this type of thing or while you’re doing crafts or baking, something that doesn’t demand eye contact. Children can find a sit down 1:1 too intense, especially when it’s something they find embarrassing or shameful.

Talking about it one step removed (eg what would you say to a friend) is good because we often would give our friend better advice than we necessarily give ourselves, and it takes the heat out of the conversation. Young people can see risk for friends more easily than they see it for themselves.

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