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Original poster

Should I intervene, DD 17 so needy in her first real relationship.

41 replies

bikingupthathill · 07/03/2021 11:11

DD almost 18, has been with her 20 yo boyfriend, for about 6 months, at the beginning they were together a lot, every weekend and once during the week, she was so happy to be in a relationship. It has now tapered off to one evening at the weekend and maybe an afternoon.

I have been overhearing her trying to arrange to meet up with him. Last week when he was leaving our house, I overheard her asking, ' so will I see you on x day', his reply was 'maybe you will, maybe you won't' (they didn't meet up). This week they were together on Friday, I overheard her asking him if they could meet for lunch on Monday and he just said a very blunt 'No'. He stays overnight when he comes, ostensibly in the guest bedroom.

She appears to be very clingy with him, as she doesn't have any friends she can go out with after a falling out in her group of friends, so I can see that she feels she needs him to have any kind of social life and she is /was loving the idea of having a boyfriend.

Should I intervene and talk to her about what I see ? I have been dropping subtle hints, but DH says I need to stay out of it, but I hate to think that she might think this is how relationships are, where she is happy to have any scraps of attention and has to plead to meet up.

We are not in the UK, so are not breaking any Covid rules by him staying over, or them meeting up outside the house.

OP posts:

peak2021 · 07/03/2021 11:16

I think some sort of conversation would be appropriate. He may be wanting to end the relationship or have his eyes elsewhere, or both. It may be preparing her for the disappointment/hurt that may come.

Regularsizedrudy · 07/03/2021 11:22

It’s so tempting but in reality it wil probably just make her feel embarrassed and foolish. She most likely knows she is acting desperately for his attention (and he of course will be loving it, he sounds horrible btw). You will only alienate her and make her more determined to win him round to prove you wrong. I think maybe try and involve her more in family activities if that’s possible? Make her feel like he isn’t her ONLY source of support and validation.. and be ready to pick up the pieces when he gets bored of stringing her along.

Moondust001 · 07/03/2021 11:30

It's horrible watching the pain of your children making mistakes when you could pick them up and put them back on their feet. But you need to reserve your good advice for when it is asked for. Unfortunately, they are mistakes we all needed to make for ourselves to learn the point.

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Soontobe60 · 07/03/2021 11:33

As a mum myself, I would have a conversation with her. At her age, I became involved with a man who I absolutely fell for. after 8 years and 1 child later I was brave enough to leave him. His behaviour is now defined as coercive and controlling. When I left, my mother told me she never liked him, didn't trust him and was glad I’d left. I wish she’d told me at the time as even though it may not have influenced me then, it would have made my decision to leave him easier on may have made it quicker.

Reinventinganna · 07/03/2021 11:37

He’s 20, she’s 17. He’s probably noticing the age difference.
He probably wants to do things that she can’t, she clings to him wanting a relationship based on what she can do.

It will run its course.

ChameleonClara · 07/03/2021 11:37

Yes, I would talk to her, I do generally talk to all mine about everything. They know they can tell me to back off (and do so on occasions, which I respect) but in our family this conversation would be attempted, yes.

Borntohula · 07/03/2021 11:40

Well bless her, actually because he just doesn't sound very keen. If she was used to seeing him often and now it's dwindled, she's probably wondering why he appears to be backing off. It's not unreasonable or clingy to ask your boyfriend if he wants to meet you.

SnuggyBuggy · 07/03/2021 11:40

I'd attempt a conversation. He doesnt sound that into her if he doesn't want to make plans with her but I wouldn't say that, I'd try to ask the sort of questions that would lead her to think that for herself if that makes sense

DuzzyFuck · 07/03/2021 11:41

I would have a quiet conversation with her. I look back on how I acted in some relationships and wish someone had pulled me aside with an outsider view before I made a complete tit of myself.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 07/03/2021 11:42

I don't have children myself, but I wish someone had pulled me aside for a chat when I was making a fool of myself at 16/17. Just have a quiet word, OP.

Notonthestairs · 07/03/2021 11:50

Any chance you could encourage her to seek out chances to make new friends- that's what she needs really.

Otherwise I would try to steer her a little.

That said my mum really tried to help me and I didn't listen.

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 07/03/2021 11:53

From what you have said it doesn't actually sound like she is being clingy, she is asking her boyfriend if he wants to meet. It sounds more that he is uncommital and possibly not as interested in your daughter as she is in him. Either way, unless she asks for advice I don't think it's your place to get involved to be honest.

MuggleStudiesResearchProject · 07/03/2021 11:56

I wish my mum had had these kind of conversations with me. Obviously very kindly and thoughtfully, but as with a pp my parents apparent total acceptance of my relationship at that age meant that I thought it was all totally normal and OK. It wasn't, and was very coercive and awful and took me ten years to break free. Obviously afterwards everyone says how they thought this or that, but why did no-one say anything to me? I'm really quite disappointed in them.

Greenmarmalade · 07/03/2021 12:20

Absolutely yes.

I had no relationship guidance and have had some bad experiences. I would have appreciated the guidance (even if I would have been snappy at the time, no doubt!)

SarahAndQuack · 07/03/2021 12:24

@MuggleStudiesResearchProject

This is really good advice.

My parents were definitely of the school of thought where they never intervened and patted themselves on the back for it, and actually I think it's very lazy parenting.

I wouldn't go in all 'advice' but I would try to let her know you're there are a sounding board and it's her first relationship so you're there for her if she wants to chat. You can do open-ended questions like 'so how do you think it's going' rather than getting into specifics, I think?

mrstea301 · 07/03/2021 12:27

It doesn't sound likes being over clingy, but it does sound as though he's maybe not that interested, or he's just keeping her on a string for when it suits him! It sounds like my first boyfriend to an extender - I wish I'd listened to my sister when she was giving me advice!! It's hard when you're that age though, when I look back now, I can clearly see how I should have acted, but hindsight is always 20/20. I would just make sure she knows that she can talk to you, but if you try to give her too much advice, she might go on the defensive and shut down.

Pumpkinstace · 07/03/2021 12:31

I wish my mum said something to me when I was that age.

Caesargeezer · 07/03/2021 12:34

I agree with pps that a lot of parents had a very hands off approve to their children’s relationships in the past. Looking back I desperately needed some guidance/advice. But at the same time it’s a tricky one for a parent to navigate. I would have a very gentle word.

megletsecond · 07/03/2021 12:35

I think you should have a gentle chat with her.
I wish my mum had done the same. I was just left to dig myself into a hole.

StrangeAddiction · 07/03/2021 12:43

She doesn't sound clingy and to be honest I'd be having a chat about her worth. It sounds like she's wasting her time with him and she deserves someone who wants to meet up with her. Asking to meet him for lunch one day is hardly clingy!

"Maybe you will, maybe you won't" is he waiting to see if he gets a better offer?!

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 07/03/2021 12:45

I think you should say something. Clue her up a little. He sounds like a dick.

Somethingkindaoooo · 07/03/2021 12:46

I would say something, but not a direct commentary on her relationship.

I get my ' advice' in by discussing other people's relationships.

There are some gold star standards I repeat. " have your own life, don't wait around, you are worth making plans with" etc.

Kgrzghtechh · 07/03/2021 12:48

Whose job do you think it is to teach your child what a healthy relationship looks like since you and your husband apparently can't be bothered?

Never mind why you've been facilitating a sexual relationship between a 20 year old man and your child.

MegaClutterSlut · 07/03/2021 12:53

I don't think she sounds clingy either, far from it. She's clearly being strung along by a dickhead. Another who thinks you should talk to her about self worth

Iggly · 07/03/2021 12:55

She doesn’t clingy? He just sounds like a bellend keeping her strung along.

Just listen and maybe get her thinking but try not to tell her what she should/shouldn’t do.

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