Should I intervene, DD 17 so needy in her first real relationship.

[bikingupthathill]

DD almost 18, has been with her 20 yo boyfriend, for about 6 months, at the beginning they were together a lot, every weekend and once during the week, she was so happy to be in a relationship. It has now tapered off to one evening at the weekend and maybe an afternoon.

I have been overhearing her trying to arrange to meet up with him. Last week when he was leaving our house, I overheard her asking, ' so will I see you on x day', his reply was 'maybe you will, maybe you won't' (they didn't meet up). This week they were together on Friday, I overheard her asking him if they could meet for lunch on Monday and he just said a very blunt 'No'. He stays overnight when he comes, ostensibly in the guest bedroom.

She appears to be very clingy with him, as she doesn't have any friends she can go out with after a falling out in her group of friends, so I can see that she feels she needs him to have any kind of social life and she is /was loving the idea of having a boyfriend.

Should I intervene and talk to her about what I see ? I have been dropping subtle hints, but DH says I need to stay out of it, but I hate to think that she might think this is how relationships are, where she is happy to have any scraps of attention and has to plead to meet up.

We are not in the UK, so are not breaking any Covid rules by him staying over, or them meeting up outside the house.

Actually I’d be more focused on why she fell out with her other friends, and how to improve her friendship circle. If she had other people she’d be less desperate.

I think thr fact she’s nearly 18 and no friends would concern me far far more. And that’s the issue I’d address.

What happened to cause the fall out?

I agree that the conversation you could best have is around his behaviour not hers. He's not being respectful of her and sending mixed messages.
Anything to help her reconnect with some of her friends and/or other friends would help too. Easier to give him up if she has something else to occupy her time

Shes made the classic mistake of dumping friends for the boyfriend - we all have to learn. he's got bored and wants to move on. Painful but part of life.

Some help on not doing the 'pick me' dance and life lessons would be good. So glad not to be a teenager any more!

Oh I hope she’s not dropped her Friends for him, that’s always going to back fire.

As said, I’d be talking to her about her friends and how to widen her social circle.

I think if I was you I'd be way more concerned that her boyfriend is treating her like shit. It's really quite worrying that you overheard this and go to thinking she's clingy rather than he's a shit boyfriend

I think id perhaps try a convo, but be very sensitive about how you do it. Dont persist if she doesnt welcome your advice.

The other half of me says let her make her own mistakes.

Tbh it sounds as if he's not that into the relationship, so you may have a whole new issue to deal with in the near future......

@MegaClutterSlut

I don't think she sounds clingy either, far from it. She's clearly being strung along by a dickhead. Another who thinks you should talk to her about self worth

Yip 🌺

That’s not clingy. He’s an arsehole.

Does it necessarily have to be advice? You could just say you don't like how he's treating her and you think she deserves much better. Then when the inevitable break up happens you can assure her what a total tosser you thought he was but didn't want to say so bluntly in case it worked out.

You're not telling her to do something different, just saying that you think she deserves something better... If she's upset she's upset, but at least she has heard that a) her mum does care and b) she's worth more. Neither things that are bad to hear even if they can be hard to believe.

Could you encourage her to repair the friendships which might then change how she sees him of her own accord?

He's treating each weekend like a one night stand, isn't he? She will feel so much better if she dumps him than if she waits for him to dump her.

I really feel for her - those new emotions are so strong and he's just walking all over her.

I would talk to her. We learn by our mistakes but we also learn from older, wiser people who can see what we are too young or naive to see.

I wouldn't give advice though, just encourage her to chat and describe what you see and what concerns you then ask what she thinks she could do differently to regain her self-esteem and her boundaries.

hard in lockdown, but there is a brilliant technique in Feel The Fear where you draw a square and divide it into 9 smaller squares then put an aspect of life into each one e.g. school, family, relationship, friends, fitness, income, hobbies. One of the squares has to be 'community' - the rest are up to you. Then you do something each day or each week to improve your level of happiness or commitment in the areas of life you've been neglecting. So, with friendships, she could try to make amends with one or two of her closest friends from the group she's fallen out with, or make some new friends. She can get engaged in a community project, sort out a fitness programme for herself, take up a new hobby etc. The idea is that you gradually create a really full and rewarding, meaningful life so if one part of it (friendship or relationship) breaks down, the other aspects keep you focused and happy. It also makes you a more interesting person to be around. Worth suggesting.

There are a few other things I noticed that made me consider it a bit clingy, maybe that is the wrong term, I guess its more of an insecurity, but you are right, he is not being very nice to her, rather than her being clingy, thanks for pointing that out, as I may have gone down the wrong route when I am trying to bring it up with her. There are a few other things that I have noticed from his side, so maybe he likes the idea of her needing/wanting to be with him. On the other hand, when they are together he is very affectionate and caring with her and gave her some very thoughtful gifts for Christmas and Valentines. She seems really happy with him.

The friend issue is that she was always on the periphery of the group, as she moved to the school (new country) three years ago, so didn't have the connections to the group that the others had.. There was a big break up in the group and seems everyone moved on in smaller groups or joined other groups and she kind of got left behind.

When I overheard the 'maybe I will or maybe I won't' comment, I did tell her I overheard it and I didn't think it was a nice response, she brushed it off and said 'oh, he was just joking' .

She is off to university in September, so I am hoping she will make the friend connections that she hasn't managed since we moved, although she is really nervous about going off on her own. He will be returning to Uni in the UK and she will be going to Holland or the UK.

Thank you everyone for the wisdom and the advice, much appreciated.

He's not committed to her despite him behaving in ways when they're together that she's rightly interpreting as representative of a loving committed relationship. Far more experienced women than her make that mistake. It is just the type of intermittent reinforcement that keeps her trying harder and looking needy. It's never too soon to learn that commitment isn't something you can make other people do, but something they give freely.
Good luck OP

I agree that her expectations are fine and he is stringing her along and keeping her at arms length.

Ideally, she would no longer want to be around someone that keeps her as an option if nothing more exciting comes up. Easier said than done though.

If anything talk to her about not hanging around waiting for someone to decide whether or not they want to spend time with her. What she's doing isn't clingy. He just isn't that into her. She isn't the problem.