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Original poster

Need help, DH having MH episode

70 replies

NotMyReaIName · 07/03/2021 08:51

NC for this. I'm at my wit's end and have nobody to talk to IRL and not sure where to turn. Hoping someone can offer some advice. DH would be so upset if he knew I was posting this and I wouldn't if I wasn't desperate.

He's had MH issues before and been treated for (among other things) anorexia, depression, OCD and he's been prescribed CBT, anti psychotics, anti depressants etc. However nothing ever really helps and he gives up after a few months. In the past few weeks he's been getting worse and worse. He's convinced he's done things he hasn't and isn't sure what's real or not, in that he doesn't know whether he's done certain things or not. Some things are quite mundane (like not being sure if he went somewhere on a certain day) but others are very scary (he won't tell me what they are but I know when he's been like this in the past he's convinced he's murdered someone and hidden the body). He's constantly talking to himself, going over things he's convinced he's done. He has to check his internet history for ages every evening to make sure he hasn't been on any sites he doesn't remember (he does this all the time though, not just at the moment, but it's worse right now). He also has a notebook he writes this stuff in but I don't know exactly what he writes because he won't let me see it which is fair enough.

As I say he's had periods like this before and they've passed but this is much worse. Last night he told me how scared he is. I'm doing my best but he gets angry really easily and I'm a bit scared for me too which I absolutely hate to admit. I'm sure he wouldn't hurt me but he gets very angry and my own MH is really suffering trying to cope with it all. He won't tell me outright if he's thinking of harming himself but he has said that he needs the thoughts to stop and the implication is definitely there.

If he hears me and DD talking about it he gets angry and says we're ganging up on him and being horrible but we live in a tiny flat and she can hear and see everything. For example last night I was out of the room and he was talking to himself, he overhead her telling me and he got very angry and said it was none of our business and not to talk about him, and it's private. But we're honestly not doing it to be nasty, he just can't see that - he really thinks we're being horrible about him. And DD was just telling me what she saw, which he wasn't trying to conceal.

Anyway it's definitely all come to a head in the last few days and I'm in a bit of a state too, which I can't let him see because he gets angry and/or upset if I cry or seem upset myself. I've tried really hard and read as much stuff as I can about supporting somone going through this, talking to him etc but now he's just saying he's never going to talk to me again about it. I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense but I'm all over the place.

What can I do next? Is there a number I can call? He tried talking to the GP but he was just given anti depressants and told to call back in six weeks (this was months ago when this first started to be a problem). He won't call them back and as I said, he has no confidence in them being able to help him anyway. I genuinely think he needs help immediately but I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry this is so long and a bit incoherent. But I feel that if I don't talk about it soon I'm going to end up in a mess myself and I need to stay strong for him. Also if there's anyone who's been through similar or who knows where I can get help, please can you offer some advice?

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
NotMyReaIName · 07/03/2021 09:30

He insists that he's just going through a bad patch of OCD but from my reading and his previous treatment/illness I understand that delusional thoughts/believing you've done things you haven't sounds more like psychosis of some kind?

OP posts:
aweegc · 07/03/2021 09:31

@anamazingfind I don't think you know what you're talking about here. OP's DH isn't choosing not to get help because he can't be bothered, it's his illness itself that is making him choose not to get help.

OP I agree with everybody else. And he may be angry with you but honestly, it's worth it. This disruption isn't going to clear up overnight, he needs medical help.

You are worried people won't talk to you when you call them. If they don't, call someone else or keep calling back until you get a different person. You should be listened to and this situation sounds like it needs far more than anti-depressants and a six week wait - which btw I don't think anyone will be suggesting now.

Do mention that you're concerned for your and DDs safety though. You know he can't help it and doesn't mean it, but that's kind of the point.Thanks

IstandwithJackieWeaver · 07/03/2021 09:31

Okay - in which case I think the only thing you can do is get out and make some calls. He needs help and so do you. You can't go on like this. Let's face it you wouldn't have posted if you thought you could.

AlfonsoTheTerrible · 07/03/2021 09:33

You might benefit from calling The Samaritans to have someone to talk to because your mental health in all of this is important, too.

Original poster
NotMyReaIName · 07/03/2021 09:34

I genuinely think that if he was sectioned or even if I called someone who came out to help him without his knowledge or consent he would never forgive me. But at the moment I only care about him getting help and selfishly perhaps about me not having to deal with this on my own, because I can't for much longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotMyReaIName · 07/03/2021 09:36

@anamazingfind I'm not going to walk away from my DH of 20 years because he's having a MH crisis any more than I'd walk away from him if he had cancer or a stroke.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 07/03/2021 09:38

@NotMyReaIName

I'm so grateful to you all. It's such s relief to talk about it.

He will definitely see me calling the crisis team as a betrayal and he won't forgive me I don't think. But I do really believe he needs help urgently and as much as I don't want to face it I think some time away being taken care of properly is what he needs. I'm not equipped to look after him.

You should phone. If you live in a flat/semi detached etc couldn’t it be plausible one of the neighbours has phoned? Act shocked?
IrenetheQuaint · 07/03/2021 09:39

It sounds like the situation is unsustainable for all of you. If you get help and he recovers, then surely he will understand in retrospect why you did it.

LouiseTrees · 07/03/2021 09:39

Oh and make the phone call when you are out the back putting something in a bin or something

Original poster
NotMyReaIName · 07/03/2021 09:40

He's asleep at the moment - when he's not at work he sleeps until about lunchtime because he says when he's asleep he's not thinking. When he wakes up I'm going to try and talk to him one more time about calling the crisis team himself. If he can't I'm going to call them myself this afternoon - I always go shopping on a Sunday afternoon so if I go out it won't look unusual.

Today is going to be difficult I think.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 07/03/2021 09:40

@NotMyReaIName

I genuinely think that if he was sectioned or even if I called someone who came out to help him without his knowledge or consent he would never forgive me. But at the moment I only care about him getting help and selfishly perhaps about me not having to deal with this on my own, because I can't for much longer.
Unfortunately I think you are going to have to worry about his forgiveness later,it sounds like he really does need help. It sounds like your DD has MH issues too, is there anyone you can lean on? You need to try and look after yourself too
minniemoocher · 07/03/2021 09:41

To be sectioned he would need to be considered a threat to himself or others, if this is the case call 999, it's a health emergency. If he's not an immediate threat his normal team (if he has one or gp tomorrow is the best option. Would he be willing to have in patient treatment voluntarily do you think? Sounds like he needs it but I'm not an expert on whether he meets the threshold for sectioning. Twice my dd has come close but they have to try everything before sectioning

Cheeeeislifenow · 07/03/2021 09:46

Poor you op, this sounds so awful. I hope you can get the help you need.

Original poster
NotMyReaIName · 07/03/2021 09:48

@Hoppinggreen I'm thinking you're right, the best way I can help him now is by letting someone else help him, even if he hates me for it.

I don't have anyone I can lean on or talk to, I don't have any friends and we have no family. It's just me, DH and DD. So yes, it does feel hard sometimes. I have rheumatoid arthritis and other chronic pain disorders which are exhausting and I do wonder if I was in better health whether I'd be able to support DH better.

OP posts:
MindfulMummy · 07/03/2021 09:48

Notmyrealname, calling MHC or 999 might just save his life - not to mention your sanity. Yes it may well be difficult to have him sectioned BUT he is in desperate need of help. You would be doing it BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM as well as to ensure that everyone stays safe. Please don't worry about whether or not he will forgive you at this stage - he is not in a position to judge that right now and besides, far better to run that small risk than whether or not you could forgive yourself if his delusions led him to hurt himself or someone else. Please call Crisis and seek their support and guidance. If you can't get them call 999. They will treat him with respect and empathy and get him the help he needs. No one can cope with what you have going on, longterm, without seriously compromising their own mental health. Be brave and call. Please. Best of luck. Keep posting.
PS It does sound very much as if he is experiencing psychosis so it is imperative that you get him help. He doesn't have a grip on reality right now.

MissFlite · 07/03/2021 09:49

What a difficult situation, OP. Lots of what you have said makes it sound as if he is a manic state of bipolar, you say your daughter has it too, has he been diagnosed?
He definitely needs a crisis team, or if there is a danger to you or him, the police. Once he is out of crisis it is likely he will see things more rationally and understand why you had to act.

partyatthepalace · 07/03/2021 09:51

So sorry you are going through this OP, it does sound like a very serious situation. I hope 111/and then the mental health crisis team can help. Your DPs condition sounds way beyond what can be managed solely by a GP. It may be he needs to be an in patient for a bit to sort his medication out.

If things don’t get back on track I think you do need to consider your living arrangements. I understand he’s your DH and you always want to support him, but your own well being and that of your vulnerable daughter are a concern. Hopefully medication will improve things for him but if it doesn’t I think you need to think about all the options.

fantasmasgoria1 · 07/03/2021 09:58

The crisis team need to have a referral from your gp. They don't like it when they are contacted by their patient or family directly. You can present at A&E where he will be assessed and the in reach team will likely see him. They can refer to the crisis team and the crisis team can do other referrals. It is always a real battle when it comes to getting help for mental illness.

snowdropsandcrocuses · 07/03/2021 09:59

Police will only attend if your husband is an immediate danger to himself or others. They can, in that instance detain him under the MH act to be seen by professionals for an assessment. However in reality whilst it sounds awful I doubt that he would be detained. However, your better option is to call the MH crisis team and I would wait to do that in work hours. They can advise you and can organise a visit. The truth is though that people slip through the net when they refuse to accept help if they are not bad enough to detain.

Keep talking OP. Talk to the doctor. Talk to the MH team. Keep notes of his behaviours that concern you. Be the squeaky hinge because they are so busy they will not prioritise you if he is safe and has people caring for him and he is managing a job and not harming people. Good luck

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 07/03/2021 10:11

OP, it is very difficult to go against another adults 'wushes' especially when you love them and when the risk to the trust in your relationship is so high. But I think you need to be very very clear with yourself that you can't help him and he can't help himself. It's out of both your hands now. He will blame you for a while but he needs this. And you promised when you married him that you'd have his back. This is the greatest test of that.

I don't want to scare you, more convey the risk here. My SILs best friend's dad killed her mum in the first lockdown. There has never been any violence before, they were a good and loving and stable family, but the father became very mentally unwell and ended up with extreme psychosis. He's been held this last year in a mental health facility and the courts were very clear that they felt it was completely out of character and unintentional. The family is destroyed. The father has such horrific guilt I understand he won't see his young adult children.

Your responsibility here is to mind yourself, and your daughter here by making the tough choice about your DH who is incapable of making his own decisions right now due to illness.

I know we're a bunch of strangers here but we are all behind you and agree it's the best thing to go against his wishes here and get him help.

MuthaFunka61 · 07/03/2021 10:22

Mind are a good service for support and advice and rather than causing your DH further distress by bringing up MHCT again and possibly adding to his anxiety it's best to get advice first.

www.mind.org.uk/

There's also this list which may help

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

Or this charity

www.rethink.org/

Don't be in a rush to get it wrong @NotMyReaIName and take breaks for yourself by stepping outside if needed. Tell your DH that you're going for some fresh air,tell him how long you'll be and stick to this and that you'll have your phone with you if he needs you. If you're going to be longer than originally thought then let him know. Containing his anxiety as much as possible will help but remember you have to manage your own distress too and some small breaks may help this.

G'luck

BeakyWinder · 07/03/2021 10:54

I had very similar with a relative last year, he wasn't being treated by anyone for his MH so the only option was to get him to A&E which was very difficult and an ambulance would not come out to him. He was admitted/sectioned that night and stayed in hospital for a few weeks until he had the right meds and could tell what was real and what wasn't.

I don't know what to suggest to get him to A&E I know how impossible it will feel if he's not willing.

SooMoony · 07/03/2021 10:59

I think 111 will be able to help you. This is a mental health crisis, as others have said and he needs help urgently. Both you and your daughter need respite from this. Don't see it as a betrayal by contacting healthcare professionals. It's an act of love. You are saving him from further deterioration and possibly even saving his life.

mummywantstobeslim · 07/03/2021 11:02

Sounds like me is in a psychosis, early to mid stage. I've been there op and it's terrifying. Very strange experience. The local mental health team will help. Unfortunately I found a and e useless and did nothing to help