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Original poster

If you lost your father young...

32 replies

Notabove25 · 04/03/2021 16:23

What do you wish you'd asked or talked to him about beforehand?

We're facing the prospect of losing DH within a matter on month's. He's very ill and has no mobility, but he is "himself" FTB. We have DSs 17 & 19yo.

DH is wondering if there are any big (or little) discussions he should have now, that boys might regret later if they don't.

OP posts:
entrytohr · 04/03/2021 16:27

I'm so sorry you're in this position :(

My dad died when I was 7. Not a conversation, but I wish I had videos of him and more photos. My only photos are of him getting married to my mum years before I was born. I had some old video cassettes put onto DVD recently and sobbed at hearing his voice for the first time in 20 years. He's off camera, but I'd forgotten the sound of his voice. You don't realise how easy it is to lose voices and those small mannerisms that make a person themselves x

GreenSlide · 04/03/2021 16:27

Nothing in particular to be honest. I'm just sad that he won't be there to see my children grow up but that's just the way it is. Sorry you're in this boat OP Thanks

Nailcutee · 04/03/2021 16:29

I am so sorry you are in this position.
I have hundreds of photos of my dad but not so many videos where I can hear his voice. I miss his voice.

TrowelWhisperer · 04/03/2021 16:31

I would like to have a known that he was proud of us; that it was ok to be sad and cry and miss him; that sometimes it would be fine and sometimes it very much wouldn’t.

Big gestures and big talks probably aren’t what they will remember. It will be the life you have all lived to date and the small things that count.

Your husband sound amazing. That’s what I would what to know if I was your sons.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/03/2021 16:32

Sorry for your situation.
My DDad died when I was 14. Just spending time, being able to chat would be my wish, but he was in hospital and family members stopped us visiting him in case it upset us. I was finally allowed to go, by which time he was in a coma. He died just after we left.
So time together.

cheezy · 04/03/2021 16:33

Could your DH write something for your boys? I have a notebook from my dad, written during his illness, that's very precious to me. Just his thoughts, memories and hopes for me.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Original poster
Notabove25 · 04/03/2021 16:35

@Justmuddlingalong

Sorry for your situation. My DDad died when I was 14. Just spending time, being able to chat would be my wish, but he was in hospital and family members stopped us visiting him in case it upset us. I was finally allowed to go, by which time he was in a coma. He died just after we left. So time together.
Yes, not possible with the current visiting ban, butbhe is able to talk to them regularly.

I am very frustrated by the visitor thing. I feel this time is more important than the final days, when we would be able to visit, but he won't be himself anymore.

OP posts:
Pippa234 · 04/03/2021 16:35

I second lots of photos.
And yes video! Hearing his voice!
My Dad did start off doing a memory box with things in like a card for big birthdays that would happen without him etc...
I understand though that would be difficult to do.
I remember reading about a lady that did letters spanning her child's life time.
I think I would have loved that!
Letters or videos.
But everyone is different there.
So sorry OP Flowers

entrytohr · 04/03/2021 16:42

Oh, and reassurance that once they start wading through the grief, he'll be happy that they're happy. That they don't have to feel guilty when those first moments where it doesn't physically ache hit them. That those moments don't mean they love him any less, that he wants them to be happy. That he doesn't expect them to be consumed by grief forever more.

I've seen many struggle to work through the guilt that grief brings, to delay happiness because they feel like the person they've lost is then somehow less important or less loved because they weren't forefront of their mind constantly.

mindutopia · 04/03/2021 16:42

I'm really sorry to hear about your dh. I was 18 when my dad died. There are no particular conversations I can think of that I wished I'd had with him, but we weren't close (he and my mum split up when I was young and he wasn't vaguely around on birthdays and holidays).

What I would have liked was just nice happy family times together growing up (which I imagine your dc have had) and also special times in the last months of his life. I would have liked him to write messages to me that I could open at important points in my life. When I graduated uni, when I got married, when I had my first child. It would have been a nice way to feel like he was 'there' even though he wasn't.

And I would have liked to know more about his life. Like I said, we weren't close and I know almost nothing about his childhood and life, except his parents' names and some of my aunts and uncles. I would have liked if he wrote me a sort of life history, including something about special memories from when I was growing up. I'd also liked to have known as much about his family tree as I could, so that I could learn more about that side of my family now (which I know almost nothing about).

mindutopia · 04/03/2021 16:45

Yes, I second about the videos too. I have an old VHS (!) tape of a camcorder recording that my dad made of me competing in a riding competition. It's mostly me just riding around and then one of him completely filming the wrong horse because all brown horses looked alike to him, but at one point, he delivers some commentary on something my horse is doing. It's surreal 30 years later to hear his voice.

Nailcutee · 04/03/2021 16:46

I have a video of my dad where he’s sleeping peacefully and gently snoring. In my desperate moments when I miss him a lot, I always watch this. I think it’s lot of little things which we forget as time passes by. Like how he looked like when he rode his bike, when he cooked, when he was on the phone. I think capturing those moments when he’s unaware is so precious and will maybe one day help your kids just to see him in day to day life etc

Justmuddlingalong · 04/03/2021 16:51

I'm glad they can talk to him regularly. DDad died years ago, well before mobile phones and tablets. I'm glad you and your DC have the technology to keep in touch.

RaveOnThisCrazyFeeling · 04/03/2021 16:54

So sorry you're going through this, and especially at this time when there is a visiting ban, which must be excruciating for you all.

I lost my mom as a teenager. The most important conversation I can remember during the time when we knew she was dying, was when she said to me that she wanted me to remember that the teenage years are hard for every parent/child relationship, and that if not for her illness, we should have had years and years of life together as two adults, and she knew we would have had a wonderful friendship and we'd have laughed together at all the arguments over missed curfews, and slammed doors and harsh words we'd had when I was a teenager trying to figure myself out. She said she hated the thought that I would think back and feel bad about times when I pushed her away, or spent time with friends instead, or rolled my eyes at her or whatever. We were both robbed of the length of relationship that would have put a few challenging years in context, and she said she always knew that I loved her and that I knew she loved me, and asked me please not to dwell on anything I wish had been different, because she wouldn't change a thing.

In the years after her death, as I grew up and realised what a sullen, selfish pain I'd been even while she was sick, it was a massive gift to have heard that from her directly.

Your teens might be much lovelier than I was though Smile

Tickledtrout · 04/03/2021 16:57

I'm sorry for what you're going through.
My dad died suddenly but after an illness, when I was 15. For me, letters on the "big events" would have been nice. Recording of his voice, laughter too.
Questions about his family, growing up, his younger life.
Lots of love to you and your boys for what lies ahead Flowers

14down · 04/03/2021 17:01

My dad died when I was 12. I have VHS tapes but nothing to play them on and he took so many photos so he's always behind the camera not in front of it. I have about 15 photos that are digital so I can look at those when I want but my mum has physical photos and lots of those but she hasn't got round to helping me sort them out them.

I found a mini dictaphone about a year after he died and I listened to it so much I wore it out. I listened to my dad dictate to himself about pylons and electricity (worked for national grid) for hours just to hear his voice.

I wish he'd had time to write me some letter (not that I would have been able to read them as his handwriting was unique but when we have our own baby I hope to honour him by using one of his 3 names. It's been 17 years and it's still shit

loubieloo4 · 04/03/2021 17:05

We are also in the same position, dh 40 has stage 4 terminal cancer. I have my own thread in life limiting illness.

Someone recommended this book for dh to fill out, I got it from Amazon- Dear Dad, from you to me. It's a brilliant book that dh fills in questions about his life growing up. I know he has filled in some of it but I haven't read it.

We also created an email account for him that he sends random emails to, photos, music, middle of the night ramblings! I have also sent the odd photo and video of dh, I recorded a great one of him laughing, proper can't catch his breath laughing at a silly video someone sent him & and a few somber but beautiful photos I have taken during intimate moments with the children. I have all the account details to give to the children.

Sending huge hugs to you all, I really do know what you are going through.

Pippa234 · 04/03/2021 17:08

Aww @loubieloo4 what lovely ideas!
so sorry SadFlowersFlowers

Bellver888 · 04/03/2021 17:09

I’m so sorry you and your boys are going through this Flowers

I lost my dad very suddenly at 19, he had cancer but the tumour ripped open his pulmonary artery so his death was a massive shock.

I wish I had more photos, I wish I’d saved things like phone conversations and texts. I wish I knew what was going to happen so I could plan ahead.

Cakefordinner · 04/03/2021 17:09

My father died when I was ten. One of the things I have found difficult is never knowing him as an adult. I feel like I don’t really know who he was, what his childhood was like or what is opinions on things might have been. I do have a recording he made when he was dying but it’s quite short as he went downhill quickly. It is surreal and very special to hear his voice although I rarely listen as it’s upsetting. Hearing about his family would be lovely as well I don’t know much about that side of the family.
The following might not be an issue for yours but I had an issue with my memory due to trauma and have few memories of my father or family life before he died. To hear a recording of my father talking about what our life was like growing up would be priceless to me. Just to hear what our family was like with him in it.

DragonPoop · 04/03/2021 17:14

My dad died when I was 16, I wish I had more photos of him, and also us together. I wish he maybe could have written me a letter (like you sometimes see on tv/film) for big moments in my life that he wasn’t able to be there for - like my 18th birthday, and starting uni, graduating, my wedding day, having a baby. May be soppy but would have been lovely

ReggaetonLente · 04/03/2021 17:15

So sorry you're going through this.

I always wished he'd told me how to do practical boring admin things like set up council tax, read the water meter, renew my passport. Obviously i figured all those things out myself but it felt like everyone else could just ask their dads. Not sure if that helps you.

My dad also never really accepted he was dying and so there was no goodbye or telling us he loved us etc. I really wish he had told us he loved us, was proud of us, wished he could have stayed longer. The scene from Gavin and Stacey where Stacey gets a letter from her dad on her wedding day - i would do anything for something like that.

Colourcones · 04/03/2021 17:21

Knowing about him as a young person. About his family and his early life. Where they lived. The schools he went to .His friends . I only knew him as my dad . There is a huge gap and I feel I didnt know the actual man he was.

PickleC · 04/03/2021 17:30

I lost my dad when I was 12 and to have been able to have some videos of him and to hear his voice would have been so precious. I think that at that age you don't have the sense of the person outside of them being a parent and as others have said to know more about their life would be important.

And to keep speaking about them. I didn't and now it would almost feel awkward to me to do that plus I don't want people to know how much it still upsets me. Keep that chat and those memories and make them know how much he loves them - that will help so much.

awesomepotatoes · 04/03/2021 17:43

I am very sorry you and your family find yourself in this situation. I was 22 when my father died. I hope it might be some comfort that I have no regrets at all. The love I experienced everyday for those 22 years was all I needed. I might not now remember exactly how he spoke or walked or laughed but I remember feeling loved unconditionally and still feel that love now. I don't think you have to do anything now, unless you want to. Perhaps just talk and share your favourite memories of each other.