Seeking therapy is the quickest way to feel shit about yourself.

[TherapyTankedMySelfEsteem]

Looking for a therapist has been the most soul destroying experience of what has already objectively been a pretty tough year.

Is it just me?

Here is the run down:

1. I have been writing a lot in lockdown and I got in touch with a ‘poetry therapist’. I was really excited about the idea of having somebody read what I wrote and to be able to start the conversation from there. Turns out that poetry therapy is when you sit on the zoom with somebody, they give you a poem, and you have to give them an emotional response in real time. And no – I wasn’t allowed to pick the poems. And the only way in which would look at what I wrote is if I sat in session and read it out loud to her. Was I really expecting too much to ask for my own words to do the talking?

1. I corresponded with someone who listed psychoanalysis as the primary modality. She sounded good on paper – but then sounded really really uncomfortable on the phone when I said that I self identified as autistic. Also had a strange breathy voice that got increasingly offended when I sounded doubtful about someone doing psychoanalysis who only had a total of three years experience in any kind of mental health care

1. Corresponded with someone who sounded really nice on paper and said that she had open slots on Mondays Wednesdays and Thursdays. And then completely shut me down when she found out that I was out of her area. (In area people I interact with for my job - and don’t have time to travel to appointments in the next town - so I want a mainly virtual therapy thing).

1. Had a tentative date with someone for a first session. Set a date I preferred to talk by phone so that I could go out to take it – rather than worry about the kids walking in. She flat refused to do that (‘I need to see your body language’) and didn’t correspond further.

1. Found someone online. I slid out of the conversation after a light online stalking revealed that their main ‘thing’ was angels.

1. BetterHelp: I have just asked for a refund. I didn’t get to the phonecall stage with any of the therapists I tried. They looked nice on paper – but came across as just really not having time for the extra client. It’s just really dispiriting somehow to get matched with someone into the virtual chat room - and sit there like a lemon for days on end with no responses to what you say/only housekeeping responses.

1. 7 Cups - the person just did not talk.

I am coming out of this having wasted loads of time and really disbalanced myself by putting my vulnerabilities out there and getting no reciprocation or reassurance back.

It feels weirdly rejecty - like my face doesn’t fit and I’ve embarrassed everyone by showing up what a weirdo I am.

My basic ask is for an experienced, sensible, warm person to form a relationship with to speak regularly by phone to process demands of parenting/life etc.

How is it so hard to find someone like this? I am happy to pay and motivated to engage.

The whole thing feels like a big con. Like telling teens to ‘tell someone if you are struggling’ when you know CAMHS will triage and ignore them pretty much regardless of how distressed they are.

Being told that it’s ‘good to talk about mental health’ - when the truth is that you get ignored unless you happen to be in a very narrow band that fits into the kind of clients the therapists want.

Lots of people claim to be therapists who aren't. To avoid that I went through the local private hospital and now have a lovely therapist who I have telephone consultations with and who is what you are looking for by the sounds of it. Do you have a local private hospital?

I don’t really know.
Never been sick.
How did you approach the hospital?
I went through the list on the ‘Psychology Today’ website - read profiles etc.

I’m just so defeated by the mixture of inflexibility and disinterest.

I haven’t even reached the point of choosing based on whether I have rapport with the person.

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time finding someone to help you 😔

I’ve had a few different types of therapy (for ptsd, anxiety disorder and depression) I found CBT a load of shit. EMDR therapy helped but didn’t make a long term difference (it helped the ptsd but the therapist didn’t address the many other issues I had). The IEMT therapy did help and my therapist was really wonderful at giving me lots of coping mechanisms and tips - I have religiously followed these and built them into my day to day life.

My therapist was Sonia Richards, I believe she does free consultations (my consultation was free), she is based up north but covers the whole of the UK. I did have my therapy via zoom, but you can always ask for phone only - she can only say no and her reasons why?

I can see why a therapist needs to see you and you them however, especially if it’s something like IEMT.

Good luck

I’m not ‘allergic’ to Zoom - but between the kids/DH being constantly at home - and having far far too much zoom
for work - I would much prefer to have a private phone conversation out of the house. Surely my circumstances are not unique in this...

What they’d lose in seeing ‘body language’ they’d gain in that I talk much more openly when I walk and am not put on the spot for eyecontact.

(I did literally say to that one “I don’t have face expressions; I’m autistic”)

you probably need to stop with the navel gazing.

Why do you feel the need to pay someone to validate your feelings?

speaking as a therapist - I think many therapists find self diagnosis/self identifying a challenge to work with because many clients are then shut off to other possibilities which could be helpful . Obviously you know yourself better than a professional that has just met you- but at the same time, I see many clients who self diagnosis themselves with various mental health conditions ( frequently the better known ones like ASD, ADHD or BPD, when there are other numerous other conditions and reasons with virtually identical impacts on thought, behaviour and action that are less well known) and then are shut down to any work that explores the possibility it could be something different. Not saying that’s how things would go with you but might explain a therapist’s concern about beginning work. To use your example since I can’t use a client’s- you note that you don’t have facial expressions because you’re autistic. What if there was another explanation? Or if stepping away from that self diagnosis could help you to ‘find’ your face - what impact would that have on your relationships? Would you be willing to move away from that identity if it would mean things could shift?

As much as I do strongly believe in people identifying their mental health in their own way, I have had several clients not get the most out of therapy as a result - and sadly they then walk away feeling like therapy doesn’t work, which creates a vicious cycle.

On the phone/online note - not all therapists have insurance to cover that so it’s worth checking upfront. Some insurers see it as more of a liability (eg all my equipment and therapy rooms are secure, etc. I don’t know if my client’s phones/rooms are and confidential information could be overheard or shared )

Your other experiences sound challenging - therapists have to be/have gone to therapy - so I’ve been in therapist try out phase and it’s a nightmare. Hopefully you’ll find your fit soon!

@idontlikealdi

you probably need to stop with the navel gazing.

Why do you feel the need to pay someone to validate your feelings?

Er, lots of people value therapy very highly and benefit from it massively. That's a very rude post. The OP feels rubbish enough, I'm sure. Good therapy isn't about navel gazing, anyway.

OP, I just wanted to say I had a similar experience - I tried so many different people. I had a really bad time with one therapist and the others just weren't right. I was determined to give up. Long story short, I ended up giving it one last shot and did then find someone who is just brilliant at their job. It's such a different experience. It's hard trying to find someone when you already feel rubbish (plus lockdown!) but there are really good people out there. It might be worth looking at a clinical psychologist just because if you have autism you do need someone who is really well-trained and knowledgeable. The poetry therapist sounds dreadful by the way and I have never met a good pscyhoanalyst! But that's just me. Just don't give up. But I would agree it's hard for a therapist to work without seeing your body language and you do need to give them a chance to do their best for you.

Its more someone to talk through things that are too much to put into my regular friendships @idontlikealdi.

Two bereavements last year. Two kids with SEN. One has diagnosed psychological condition on top of that which is not something that I share out of consideration for their privacy. The other is struggling a lot with post lockdown anxiety (like - more than ‘cup of cocoa and a chat’ territory. Like growling in a corner territory.

My best friends husband was diagnosed with a degenerative genetic condition last month. That she hasn’t told anyone else about because both the ‘genetic’ and the ‘fatal’ part are not things she wants to burden her teenagers with right now. Other best friend I am n/c after a huge and painful argument. Recently bereaved parent. Regular lockdown life stresses.

My feelings are by the by.

Its about functioning to support my people without burning out.

So I’m looking for a private place to chat on the phone and ‘debrief’ my week and sanity check how I’m balancing my time and energy.

Maybe contact the British Association of counseling.

It may be time consuming to find some one who will only do phone consultations, you might need to think about why you are so determined not to do this?

@WeavingWandering - I mentioned the autism mainly because that’s what my kids are diagnosed with - and I find folks that don’t have experience with it can end up worried and confused (e.g. by some of the more exotic parts of the experience - or by decisions I make in how I parent them). It’s tiring to teach people.

The ‘no face expression’ is that I felt frustrated that the rigidness about zoom over phone was at the expense of considering my individual circumstances.

Specifically that Zoom with someone with a flat affect who is constantly on guard for a stray kid wandering in will be worse quality communication than allowing me to take the session in a private place (i.e. not at home) and in a way where I was more relaxed and able to focus on my words.

Fundamentally - if it isn’t great - its my money I’ve wasted - and the option would always be there to try a different way of connecting. (By which point maybe a private Zoom will be a possibility) . I’m a believer that the best relationships get built if you communicate on ‘many levels’ - so a mix of F2F/zoom/phone/writing etc.

The fact that the conversations have got closed off so fast makes me feel that I just pissed them off by asking for something different ... like I was making up all these demands for shits and giggles ... like they just don’t understand that it really is hard to find privacy in a lockdown family household ... which brings me back to the circle of ‘my face just doesn’t fit’.

Spokzpeople might be a good fit.

Perhaps you can compromise and do an initial zoom call or two then switch to calls.

My therapist has been doing face to face socially distanced sessions which have been great but we also have calls too. Having the face to face has definitely helped the effectiveness of our calls

I’m not anti compromise - though my version would be the opposite of starting on the phone and zooming once we’ve covered a lot of the biographical background and life was quieter.

That’s not what I’m getting back though.

It’s “I’m sorry - I can’t help you - that’s not how I work” shut downs.

I think their inner narrative is about setting firm boundaries and expectations from the outset.

Mine is about how IME people who pride themselves on their emotional intelligence can also be the cruelest people.

I’m not in crisis - and I’ll be fine - but no one comes to these conversations from a position of strength.

Getting stonewalled like I am is really starting to wear on my spirit and my self-esteem.

My mental health has been damaged by doing the thing that I was told I was meant to do - which is to reach out for support.

Search on BACP

Why are you entertaining these charlatans? Look on the proper channels - the certified psychotherapists and counsellors.

On here I was recommended the holistic psychologist on Instagram as a particularly useful tool to help moving through some trauma I have suffered. I found her incredibly empowering and beneficial. It might help you while you maintain your quest for a good therapist in the background.

I went on Psychology Today to look ... they all did seem accredited ...

I could try BACP - thank you for the tip.

It’s hard to scrape myself back up off the floor & try again. To have faith rather than learn from experience.

Each approach I’m becoming less trusting and more defensive - it will eventually become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Have you asked your GP for a recommendation?

A good therapist will be able to work by phone, it may not be their preferred way of working but at the moment needs must, especially if it allows you the privacy you need to talk. Body language is helpful, but the whole point of talking therapy is that you feel able to talk.

Have a look at the Counselling Directory, they cover the U.K. and check members qualifications, you can filter for the type of issues you want to talk about and for the type of therapist. Sounds like a humanistic approach might suit you well.

@StillGoingToWork - no to GP. I don’t really see myself as ‘ill’ - I have no symptoms to present. I’m just ... theres just a ‘lot’ that I’m having to figure - and I’m very alone with it.

Plus I figured that if I can afford to pay - it will both free resources for those that can’t and give me more chance to choose someone I click with (hollow laugh)

I once, in a pretty dark place, reached out to a number of therapists. Not a single one replied to my enquiry email.
I know what you’re saying about ending up in a worse place than when you started... it touch so much for me to reach out and I got nothing. So now when people say ‘ask for help’ I just ignore them, as I tried that.
I can’t help with recommendations as I never found anyone to help me. Still bottling it all up.

I can PM you the name of mine. Excellent psychologist, think she was NHS for 20+ years before going private. Has some particular specialisms (including what she did her doctorate in) but doesn’t only stick to those, and she uses a range of techniques rather than sticking rigidly to one IYSWIM. Sessions just go where I need them to.

I honestly cannot rate her enough, she’s helped me move forward, gain confidence.

Oh @MrBullinaChinaShop - I’m so sorry no one reached you.

To try and fail to connect is so much more bitter - even if it reflects on them more than you.

Sending you spring flowers - hoping there is hope coming in with the blossoms