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Original poster

Do we just have to accept there's always someone else?

40 replies

Bringtheginx · 01/03/2021 07:34

I don't mean literally. In my early twenties I remember my boyfriend at the time aged 23 being like a dog on heat around women. We went for days out he was eyeing up women. Telling me who he found attractive. Facebook adding. Couldn't go to a wedding without the bridesmaids turning his head. Basically an idiot. The boyfriend before was 21 and also was always texting other women.

I put this down to my age at the time. My last relationship lasted 8 years. Only ended because we grew apart. But in that time not a single women drama happened and life was peaceful.

5 months ago I started dating an older man. In his 40s. Our relationship has gotten very close very fast. I guess its been intense but we are happy so why not. We talk about the future. I'm now 32 with children. I know he's a little bit of a flirt and does speak to women friendly. But yesterday he added someone my age onto his Facebook and it's clearly a random add.

She's local and he liked her profile picture as soon as she accepted his request. There's nothing to indicate they are linked. Absolutely nothing. So my guess is he just liked her looks. The photo he liked of her already is her wearing a white dress on holidays flashing her tan.

I spoke to him last night and didn't mention her but got into my past and what men did when I was younger. He said even of he owns a Ferrari he would still look at the Lamborghinis but it wouldn't mean he wanted them. I said to him if he started flirting with another women I would expect him to end it with me not start a sneaky thing. He said he would and he could never get himself in that situation as he likes me too much and how could he ever get in that situation in the first place.

Why can't men just be happy with the girl Infront of them ever.

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 01/03/2021 07:37

Sorry to say but it sounds like those guys are dicks, rather than all men being in to other women. Most men I know (ie friend’s husbands) don’t have roving eyes.

Thinking bridesmaids at a wedding are pretty is a pretty normal reaction though, I wouldn’t at all be bothered about that.

But I’d be more concerned that you know about his Facebook activity to the degree that you’re poring over who he’s added, when, images of her etc etc. At 5 months in it really isn’t healthy to have that level of distrust already. I’d chuck in the towel with that one as it doesn’t sound like it’s going anywhere

MerryDecembermas · 01/03/2021 07:39

Stop picking losers?

Most men are not like "dogs in heat"

Changeychange1 · 01/03/2021 07:41

Can I ask you OP, he’s in his 40s -
Has he ever been in a committed relationship? How long? If not, there might be a reason that other women have thrown him back

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships

Sandgrown1970 · 01/03/2021 07:43

Nope.

Lots of men value monogamy. Lots of women are fundamentally opposed to cheating with other women’s husbands/partners.

I think it’s your standards and core beliefs that are the issue. Choose better.

gamerchick · 01/03/2021 07:45

How do you know who he's adding on facebook and liking?

Maybe it's the blokes you go for or maybe you have more than average insecurity.

If doubts have set in so early on then maybe this one's not for you though

Poorlykitten · 01/03/2021 07:46

Sorry OP, this is not my experience and I think you have been very unlucky in your choices.

interest12 · 01/03/2021 07:47

@Changeychange1

Can I ask you OP, he’s in his 40s - Has he ever been in a committed relationship? How long? If not, there might be a reason that other women have thrown him back

That’s a really nasty and judgemental comment.

OverTheRubicon · 01/03/2021 07:48

I too have terrible taste in men, though in a different way... So with the greatest of sympathy, suggest that you're picking dogs. I'd never seen the value in counselling, but actually did have some when my marriage was breaking up and found it very helpful in recognising the patterns I was creating, and hopefully improve my future choices.

Bagelsandbrie · 01/03/2021 07:50

That isn’t my experience with men.

I’ve had bad experiences- I mean my first husband left me for an ex he had found on Facebook but I’ve never had anyone disrespect me so blatantly during the relationship in the way you’ve been. They just sound like arseholes. No way would I put up with someone adding random women on Facebook and liking their pics! Show him the door.

Not all men are like this. I’ve been married to my second husband for 12 years now and not once has he ever behaved like that.

Standrewsschool · 01/03/2021 07:51

Most people wouldn’t accept someone on Facebook without knowing them in some capacity. Was a recent picture she posted? If so, liking it doesn’t actually mean that much. If he’d scrolled back and found the picture, that would be a little creepy.

However, I agree with @Changeychange1, ie. slow down a bit. You’ve been together five months and talking of the future. And that’s in this current pandemic times. Has he been love-bombing you? What’s his past history like?

something2say · 01/03/2021 07:56

Hey.

This is an indicator of behaviour to come....head it! Like others say, maybe slow down a bit and consider other options. Do you have any? This current guy is doing something that upsets you and we all agree, its odd behaviour. My partner certainly doesn't do this. You can find better. Be wary of building an emotional attachment.

PetesBigSausagePizza · 01/03/2021 07:57

He said even of he owns a Ferrari he would still look at the Lamborghinis but it wouldn't mean he wanted them.

Barf

SackofTurtles · 01/03/2021 07:57

@MerryDecembermas

Stop picking losers?

Most men are not like "dogs in heat"

This. Your post no more describes men I know than the posts on here about men ‘not seeing dirt’.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/03/2021 08:03

So you've told him your boundary when deep down you feel he's already crossed it? With the Facebook add?

His referring to women like cars, or whatever he did, is pretty shallow.

donquixotedelamancha · 01/03/2021 08:05

He said even of he owns a Ferrari he would still look at the Lamborghinis but it wouldn't mean he wanted them.

...and you left immediately? Why would you date Swiss Tony.

My only experience of a dating history like you describe is one friend who just has terrible taste in men. As soon as she mentions that a man is pleasant and respectful I know she'll be dumping him shortly. As soon as she fakes distain about a complete knob chatting her up I know that's 6 months of drama on the way.

Maybe this isn't like you OP, but I wish to God she'd dump men who don't respect her and give more time to the ones who do.

kottbullar · 01/03/2021 08:12

He said even of he owns a Ferrari he would still look at the Lamborghinis but it wouldn't mean he wanted them.

...and you left immediately? Why would you date Swiss Tony.

Original poster

Bringtheginx · 01/03/2021 08:18

He's messed my head up. He's had a marriage a 4 year relationship and a ten year relationship. He's still close to his ex. He's always been a commited man. With hom being in his mid 40s he has around 300 Facebook friends. Most are his old school friends. They live two hours away and then the rest seem to be work friends. He gets the women from his school days commenting but it's never bad. Just adult chit chat.

I'm.not usually insecure. Haven't been this way for ten years.

I can't see anyway he would know this women. He's liked her profile photo from 4 days ago. She's wearing a see through white dress with a bikini on. I have glanced through her Facebook to see if they are linked. She doesn't work in the same field. She's around 15 years younger. But I can see from comments he's made to me she's his type.

She's pretty, petite, tanned, similar features in the face to his ex. She's got similar dogs. His favourite colour is white but classy. She is Wearing alot of white numbers on summery photos..

My feeling is that if she contacted him privately I know he would most likely go down that road. Even though he spends his time in touch with me throughout the day. He's always complimenting me. Always saying he sees us long term. I just think actions speak louder than words. He doesn't know I know about her.

I only noticed her because she's the first person on his friend icons and she appeared yesterday. He was asleep so she accepted his request which is how I know he added her.

I think it's a sign of what's to come and I need to wake up. I feel like despite what he says if the opportunity to talk to her came up then I don't see him not being curious.

Thanks for the replies. Think ive just picked badly.

OP posts:

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 01/03/2021 08:20

Eugh my dad used to do shit like that. Visibly ogling and making comments about other women in front of us (not when my step mum was in earshot though). I remember asking him once why he did that when he was married, and he said "just because I've already ordered, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu". It's rank. "Even if I owned a ferrari I'd still look at a lambourghini" is in the same vein. Women are not objects to be owned as status symbols, we are not items on a menu to be ordered, we are actual human beings with equal value to men.

Frankly anyone saying shit like that has a fundamentally misogynistic view of women. You won't be shocked to hear that my mum refused to take my dad back when he asked her, and that his marriage to my stepmum has not been a happy one. Men who view women as collectors items rather than equals rarely confine their misogyny to liking holiday photos on Facebook.

FoxgloveBee · 01/03/2021 08:24

You think he fancies her because she has white things and his favourite colour is white?

Honestly it seems like you've picked a bad one.

I don't know any men who are like "dogs on heat" and I have no idea who is on my partners Facebook friends list or whose profile picture he has "liked". All of this checking is not a good start to a relationship.

MrWendel · 01/03/2021 08:29

You definitely need to get rid. He'll make out you are being petty and the problem is all 'in your head' but life is really too short to put up with this disrespectful shit.

Not all men are like this, seriously.

JesusAteMyHamster · 01/03/2021 08:42

Good God he hasn't actually done anything, he's added someone who you don't know. But it doesn't mean he doesn't and you've invented an entire narrative to go with it.

I honestly don't know or care who my dp has on Facebook,. I do know he has people he's never met on there (( football club page, nerdy, local history group page )) if I did bother to look I can't see myself checking out all the pretty ones like some stalkery weirdo.

Chocaholic9 · 01/03/2021 08:45

Sorry but this man sounds like a creep.

Chocaholic9 · 01/03/2021 08:46

And no you don't have to accept there will always be someone else he's chasing. I think his comment comparing women to cars shows you exactly what his mentality is towards women...they're objects

DarthWeeder · 01/03/2021 08:55

There is definitely a ‘type’ of man that does this, especially the social media bit.

I’ve had random men try and add me as a friend on Facebook or follow me on Instagram and they’re all the same - take a look at their profile and they follow hundreds of women, lots of them being local women, and lots of them being Insta-model types, all within the same age bracket, all decent looking on their profile pics. We never have any friends or anything in common other than we live in vaguely the same area, and I just think why the fuck have you sent me this request? Before deleting it.

Yeah, he’s one of those creeps.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/03/2021 09:16

Can't you just ask him who she is?

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