To be upset that my friend disciplined my ds

[Winkle2020]

So we have this friend of us who has a dd age 2 and my son aged 3. While playing my ds kissed her daughter in an affectionate way. My friend just screamed as if my ds has done something terribly wrong infront of other friends. And she also went on to discipline him infront of me. She then took her dd angrily upstairs and came back after a while. She looked upset and I could feel that she was struggling to even smile. I knew that she is over protective about her dd ( I am saying this because from certain instances like she not sending her to nursery, not taking her to parks infact never took her dd to any public parks fearing she would catch infection) , I mean myself and my husband are very laid back and we always taught our little ones to be affectionate to others. My ds kisses me his dad and his little sis a good night kiss everyday. I dont even know if this is something I should be worried and ask my ds to stop doing that to my friends dd, but I kind of dont like the way my friend reacted to this whole thing and it kinda upsetted me. I was embarrassed when she disciplined my ds and I really wanted to leave their house immediately. Am I at the wrong side ? Honestly I was telling my husband about this and said we should try and avoid going to their house for a while. Not linked to this issue but wanted to add, this is the same friend who was our support bubble 2 months ago when I gave birth to my dd. She straight out said no to look after my ds on the day of my delivery, telling me that it's not safe (she initially said ok to look after him, and changed her decision just 3 days before my delivery, so I had to find a childminder in that short span of time. Most of them were full and had no space for him and I even came to a decision to go through labor alone so that my dh can stay with ds). I never took her decision to heart and carried on to have a nice friendship with her. But what happened today is kinda triggering me in a way that I am starting to think, why should I let my ds down infront of these people. Please tell me if I am wrong and what I should be ideally doing.

[Winkle2020]

Exactly as some of you said, I was wondering what would she do when her dd goes to school. At the moment it looks like they never let her deal with the situation by herself rather trying to protect her in every way. Its really complicated to deal with these issues. I think after some point in life you cannot be closer to anyone except family. I also want to add, we have moved this country 10 years ago so limited friends and no family

[emilyfrost]

Why are you refusing to say how she disciplined him?

[MindyStClaire]

I would've thought it was more likely to be about covid than consent if she used to encourage her DD to give hugs and kisses. I have a DC this age and while she doesn't usually hug or kiss other children I would only stop her if the other child looked uncomfortable.

I guess she assumed the DC would distance from each other as I believe that is expected in most of the UK. Anyone with children that age knows it's impossible though and I can't imagine the kiss made any huge difference to the risk if they'd been playing together.

I would find it very hard to forgive her for dropping you so close to the birth. That was very very harsh of her.

[Streamingbannersofdawn]

Your friend was horrible. Your son is 3! I work with 2 and 3 year old's and honestly things like "don't lick her face X she doesn't like it" are a normal part of my everyday vocabulary. Ditto distracting them from overzealous hugging and lying on top of each other. Children this age aren't big on boundaries, they are learning.

We teach them by pointing out when the other child isn't comfortable, talking about others feelings and respecting their boundaries so they copy. We don't shout at them or get angry. A simple "X doesn't want a kiss" is far more appropriate.

I can't imagine you are encouraging your child to kiss every other person they meet so I wouldn't worry.

Someone mentioned teaching your 3 year old social distancing up thread...yeah right!...we have zero social distancing between the children in our group. Its not possible.

[ChancesWhatChances]

Nah I call BS.

[KnobblyWand]

Ok, did she hit him? That's what we're asking.

[Winkle2020]

@HoppingPavlova

What she did was exactly like below

Dd's mum sees my ds give a kiss to her dd, screams at first then walks there takes her child (I also went in to intervene and to check what happened) and in an angry tone says to my ds "it's a bad habit to push or jump, or kiss, it's a bad behaviour, understand? Then she runs upstairs with her dd which for me looked like as if my ds was assaulting her and she needs to be taken away.

I then was telling my ds not to do these and then she comes back looking upset

[Winkle2020]

She did not hit him but her tone was absolutely horrible and I hated to be there in their house from the second after this happened. What made me feel bad is that, how come she thought it's ok to do this infront of us. My ds has been in nursery since 7 months old and her dd not even to park with other children even before covid

[Winkle2020]

@Streamingbannersofdawn

Exactly this is what I thought. They are children and these things are not meant to be taken this seriously

[Streamingbannersofdawn]

Okay that's just weird, pushing is not good behaviour. Jumping and kissing....er what?

[PPNC]

That’s not on at all, he must have been very upset when he did nothing wrong.
She also sounds like she messed you about with childcare when in labour?

Not sure I’m getting that bit right as you say bubbles but are with groups of friends?

Anyway, she’s batshit and unkind, you are right to cool it with her.

[zippy90]

Is there a cultural or religious element to her reaction? It's seems very extreme without any context. I would have been upset and probably wouldn't want her looking after my son anyway, so it's a blessing really, if she did that in front of you what would she do when you weren't there? Nah.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

My ds has been in nursery since 7 months old and her dd not even to park with other children even before covid

I don’t understand why you think that’s relevant, her child would have been 1 going into Covid, I think there are a fair few toddlers whose social interaction has been very limited over the last year or so. There’s no prize for keeping your child home, or sending them to nursery - different strokes for different folks.

It sounds like she’s anxious about Covid if she’s previously been ok with hugs etc - I’m not sure why your mind would go to sexual assault in these circumstances. I’d just back off and give you both some space.

[SVRT19674]

I think, after that, cool the friendship. But other things have happened too and they all add up. My 2 year old daughter and another little boy in her nursery hug a give themselves a peck on the cheek every time they meet. We think it´s super sweet, but then I am in Spain and we are not as hysterical about hugging and kissing over here.
Personally she would go on the back burner, I simply don´t have patience with drama llamas any more.

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

FGS, I can’t believe pps are saying that a 3 year old should be trained to kiss only family! Very little kids who are naturally affectionate will want to kiss each other now and then.
As for disciplining the poor little kid, your friend is frankly bonkers. If she’s that worried about germs/Covid, the two should not be playing together in the first place.

[thosetalesofunexpected]

@Winkle2020

You need to really cool this friendship
Focus on better other friendships.

[thosetalesofunexpected]

@Winkle2020
Your friend sounds like germ phobic obvious Covid 19

Her reaction was extreme Bat shit crazy.

[bamboothrough]

Are you not in lockdown where you are?

[ArcheryAnnie]

says to my ds "it's a bad habit to push or jump, or kiss, it's a bad behaviour, understand?

This doesn't sound like an overreaction on her part. She took her DD away (ie didn't require that you took your DS away) and told your DS what she thought was wrong. Kids will jump on other kids, push other kids and kiss other kids, but it's OK to tell them that this isn't OK behaviour.

Some parents find it impossible for others to intervene when there's any kind of problem involving their PFBs. It sounds to me, OP, that this might be the case with you - and it's understandable, but it isn't reasonable. If two kids are playing together and there's a problem, it's perfectly in order for either parent to intervene.

[PetesBigSausagePizza]

@ArcheryAnnie

says to my ds "it's a bad habit to push or jump, or kiss, it's a bad behaviour, understand?

This doesn't sound like an overreaction on her part. She took her DD away (ie didn't require that you took your DS away) and told your DS what she thought was wrong. Kids will jump on other kids, push other kids and kiss other kids, but it's OK to tell them that this isn't OK behaviour.

Some parents find it impossible for others to intervene when there's any kind of problem involving their PFBs. It sounds to me, OP, that this might be the case with you - and it's understandable, but it isn't reasonable. If two kids are playing together and there's a problem, it's perfectly in order for either parent to intervene.

That's a good point. people who are being quite extreme in saying you cant' correct "normal" 3 year old behaviour would certainly get upset with a push or a shove or taking someone else's toys and would expect the behaviour to be addressed.

but for some reason we can't correct unwanted kissing.

All the behaviours are normal for a three year old but they're still inappropriate and teaching your son to respect boundaries is never extreme.

[thosetalesofunexpected]

@Winkle2020

Why are you still focusing so much on this friendship op?

She messes/stresses you out,when you are about to go into labour too
She is unreliable and inconsiderate too.

She your friend makes such such a big issue of your son being affectionate towards her child.


Is she is so terrified of Covid 19
Why is your friend meeting up with you and son then?

Tell her it be better for her to stay at home ,be like a hermit and sheild away from everyone.

Her mental health well being could take a massive nose dive
But that's no problem of yours to worry.

Just fade her out/ditch her as a friend.
Make saner/more normal friendships in near future op

[Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]

It sounds like a bit of an overreaction on your part too OP if she just spoke briefly to him, when you say she disciplined him I think people were imaging a lot more than that

[Wishing14]

I think also you need to find more confidence in knowing what you think is right, it sounds like you disciplined him yourself because you felt like that’s what you were supposed to do, not because it’s what you thought. Be strong in standing for what you think, because a 3 year old giving a kiss is not bad behaviour, you clearly know that. People who think otherwise aren’t right in the head. A three year old doesn’t understand what a pandemic is. Not to mention that covid is unlikely to even give them anything much more than a cold.

[Bibidy]

Tbh it sounds like her anxiety is around COVID.

I guess that's fair but then don't invite a 3 year old round to your home to play as obviously there will be no social distancing, kisses or no kisses!

[Dontfuckingsaycheese]

Why were you there? Were you invited? I don't get why you were there as we're still in lockdown. I assume you're in UK. Maybe she was on edge as she didn't want you to be there?? It's ridiculous to call someone a germophobe when we're all meant to be doing our utmost to halt the spread of a deadly virus ripping through the community like wildfire. I completely understand you being miffed about the labour thing. Maybe she felt pressured to agree?