To be upset that my friend disciplined my ds

[Winkle2020]

So we have this friend of us who has a dd age 2 and my son aged 3. While playing my ds kissed her daughter in an affectionate way. My friend just screamed as if my ds has done something terribly wrong infront of other friends. And she also went on to discipline him infront of me. She then took her dd angrily upstairs and came back after a while. She looked upset and I could feel that she was struggling to even smile. I knew that she is over protective about her dd ( I am saying this because from certain instances like she not sending her to nursery, not taking her to parks infact never took her dd to any public parks fearing she would catch infection) , I mean myself and my husband are very laid back and we always taught our little ones to be affectionate to others. My ds kisses me his dad and his little sis a good night kiss everyday. I dont even know if this is something I should be worried and ask my ds to stop doing that to my friends dd, but I kind of dont like the way my friend reacted to this whole thing and it kinda upsetted me. I was embarrassed when she disciplined my ds and I really wanted to leave their house immediately. Am I at the wrong side ? Honestly I was telling my husband about this and said we should try and avoid going to their house for a while. Not linked to this issue but wanted to add, this is the same friend who was our support bubble 2 months ago when I gave birth to my dd. She straight out said no to look after my ds on the day of my delivery, telling me that it's not safe (she initially said ok to look after him, and changed her decision just 3 days before my delivery, so I had to find a childminder in that short span of time. Most of them were full and had no space for him and I even came to a decision to go through labor alone so that my dh can stay with ds). I never took her decision to heart and carried on to have a nice friendship with her. But what happened today is kinda triggering me in a way that I am starting to think, why should I let my ds down infront of these people. Please tell me if I am wrong and what I should be ideally doing.

I agree it’s very foolish to be encouraging children to be kissing one another in the midst of a highly contagious pandemic.

I’d think the reason she “couldn’t smile” was due to you not intervening and she was probably quite furious at you for your lacksadaisy attitude, more than your child.

As for the birth situation, again I can see things from her point of view. Two months ago was the Christmas/New Year period and the new variants were running rampant and we were being told not to mix households. She was probably afraid of placing herself and her own family or you and a newborn at risk, especially so close to all the Christmas mixing and socialising that took place.

Unless there’s a massive drip feed headed this way and you aren’t in the U.K.

I can see why she was upset.

You should have taught him about SD and not kissing anyone outside the household because of germs.

I’m guessing you live outside the UK if you’re mixing with other families, in which case the reaction was possibly OTT. If not, I wouldn’t be impressed if a child from another bubble kissed mine, but would probably just grumble about it to DH afterwards rather than make a scene.
Or do you think this has nothing to do with covid and is about consent? You could probably start to teach DS to ask before kissing someone at his age now.

I wouldn't tell a child off if the parent was present unless a child was in danger. I would have had a quiet word with the other parent, explained the issue and left it up to them whether they wanted to say anything. Sometimes I've had to bite my tongue when nothing is said.

I think she overreacted. That said, I'd be discouraging the kissing of friends as it's unlikely to go down that well in covid times. Appreciate it's just a sign of affection at that age.

I had friends who did this to our kids and I found it quite odd. We'd be sitting having a meal and they'd tell my kids to improve their table manners and do x or y. I'm not precious about the kids but it did become rather annoying.

She is no friend. What friend would do what she did at the time of your delivery?
With regards to the recent incident, she seems to have issues unknown to you. Or maybe not given her past behaviour.......... withdraw from the friendship

Your friend does sound very ott but you really need to bring up your ds to not be affectionate to everyone. Totally inappropriate.
Boundaries are needed here!!

Remember OP this is Mumsnet, where no one’s three year old acts impulsively. Their three year olds have all grasped the concept of personal space, appropriate social interaction and social distancing.
It is your failing that yours has not.

Or maybe he’s just three and your friend is a tad highly strung.

@pictish

Remember OP this is Mumsnet, where no one’s three year old acts impulsively. Their three year olds have all grasped the concept of personal space, appropriate social interaction and social distancing. It is your failing that yours has not.

Or maybe he’s just three and your friend is a tad highly strung.

Nothing to do with what you are insinuating Pictish and EVERYTHING to do with OP saying she 'taught him to be affectionate with people'

You need to find a new friend. She sounds crazy op. Not reliable at all.

I think your friend is anxious about covid.
But on the other hand, she can't be that worried if she is letting all her friends and kids in her house 🤔

She disciplined him ?

Do you mean she just shouted stop. Or did do something else?

She sounds a bit anxious
You sound a bit precious

I wouldn't be encouraging my child to kiss anyone but immediately family. He needs to learn the difference URGENTLY IMO.

I can see why she's worried about infection at the moment but I still think she's being unreasonable.

If she's that worried then she shouldn't be taking her kid to play with other kids.

She absolutey shouldn't have disciplined your son (what did this entail?) Whatever it was, it was absolutely wrong to do this to a child who does not know any better.

When you put small kids in the same space you assume that they are going to get close. It's her fault as she shouldn't have done this if she was so worried. I think you should talk to her about it and tell her that it was completely out of order whatever she did to your son - at 3 something like that could actually damage his development and make him think that showing affection is wrong - that's messed up.

It’s not over protective not to send your 3 year old to nursery. Like others here, I’d be teaching my toddler that kisses are for family especially just now, but even more generally it’s good for children to know not everyone wants kisses.

Your friend might have overreacted, but given Covid I think a lot of people are more reactive than they might usually be. I’d back off, cut her some slack and see how you feel when things are more normal.

How did she discipline him? Was it a “I’d rather you didn’t kiss friend’ type comment, or something more severe. A gentle comment is fine.

However, the rest seems a bit over the top. However, in the current times, people are more anxious bout infection. Maybe the kissing was one step too far for her. Or maybe she has other issues about kids kissing which you’re unaware of.

Jesus! The kid is three! When my kid was three he was very affectionate with all the little kids. I has to intervene when he went in for the full snog with another boy! None of this was encouraged he was just spontaneously affectionate. Surprisingly he doesnt do that sort of thing anymore. Clearly your friend has some clear issues that she hasnt dealt with from her own childhood. If anyone screamed at my kid that would be the end of the friendship

I think anyone who freaks out about kid’s behaviour at that age generally needs to speak to a professional
He did nothing wrong, don’t listen to anyone on here who said he did. He’s 3.
More worryingly I wonder if something happened to your friend when she was little - by an older child maybe or if she faced sexual assault and is now on high alert for her daughter. It is the only thing that makes any of her behaviour logical
Keep on loving your affectionate boy

we always taught our little ones to be affectionate to others

I always taught my children that physical affection should be wanted by both parties. And total minimum in a pandemic anyway!

As a response, I've not had to deal with this sort of situation.

@emilyfrost

There seems to be other issues going on with your friend so I would definitely cool that friendship.

However, your child should not be kissing others outside of their immediate nuclear family. You should not be teaching them to be affectionate; it doesn’t need to be taught.

It’s overstepping a boundary and is extremely inappropriate; it’s your job to teach your child to respect other people’s personal space and it has to start when they are little.

The child is 3. Would you seriously agree with the "disciplining" (whatever that entails) of a 3 year old for kissing another child? It seems to me like that could be quite damaging. A child has found a way of showing affection to others and is immediately told not to do it? WTF? He's three.

It sounded like they were just playing and he kissed her, because that's what he does at home with his parents and sister before going to bed, that's a way he's found for showing affection.

Honestly I think some people are overreacting. Yes consent needs to be taught but that can be done alongside and doesn't need to involve getting into a flap about a toddler kissing someone!

So why didn’t you step in when she “disciplined” your child? Why not deal with the situation there and then?

Your son did nothing wrong. Steer clear of her, and next time she dies this, step in and protect your son. She’s a stupid woman.

With the background about the support bubble I Imagine it is a worry about the virus. I am not sure why you used the worded 'triggering ' it sounds dramatic and actually did you really mean it made you think back/remember. I don't think your little boy did anything wrong except in the context of the virus but yes I would start telling him kisses are for close family. Not sure where you are? given the friend didn't follow through to support you at the time of your birth maybe she was already feeling stressed about the playing together. I would give her some space and ask if she is OK.

Kissing family is fine, but kissing other children isn't fine, imo. I wouldn't like it either, especially under circumstances. Agree with PP who said your ds may get unwanted reaction from children if he carried on. My dc would definitely push him away at that age.

But your friends sounds like she is extremely worried and maybe unwell, but you knew that because you knew she doesn't take her dd out to anywhere.

The child is 3. Would you seriously agree with the "disciplining" (whatever that entails) of a 3 year old for kissing another child? It seems to me like that could be quite damaging. A child has found a way of showing affection to others and is immediately told not to do it? WTF? He's three.

I wouldn’t discipline a 3 year old for kissing another child, but I would redirect them or distract them, especially given the friend has previously shown a lot of worry about Covid.

Unbelievable amount of ridiculous hysteria here about normal toddler behaviour.

Consent? He's 3 years old for fuck's sake. Grips all round, people. Time enough for that when he's old enough to understand the concept.

Drop this friend, OP, she's toxic. I'd have dropped her after her refusing to look after your child when you were in labour. She clearly has issues.

How did she "discipline" him?