To be upset that my friend disciplined my ds

[Winkle2020]

So we have this friend of us who has a dd age 2 and my son aged 3. While playing my ds kissed her daughter in an affectionate way. My friend just screamed as if my ds has done something terribly wrong infront of other friends. And she also went on to discipline him infront of me. She then took her dd angrily upstairs and came back after a while. She looked upset and I could feel that she was struggling to even smile. I knew that she is over protective about her dd ( I am saying this because from certain instances like she not sending her to nursery, not taking her to parks infact never took her dd to any public parks fearing she would catch infection) , I mean myself and my husband are very laid back and we always taught our little ones to be affectionate to others. My ds kisses me his dad and his little sis a good night kiss everyday. I dont even know if this is something I should be worried and ask my ds to stop doing that to my friends dd, but I kind of dont like the way my friend reacted to this whole thing and it kinda upsetted me. I was embarrassed when she disciplined my ds and I really wanted to leave their house immediately. Am I at the wrong side ? Honestly I was telling my husband about this and said we should try and avoid going to their house for a while. Not linked to this issue but wanted to add, this is the same friend who was our support bubble 2 months ago when I gave birth to my dd. She straight out said no to look after my ds on the day of my delivery, telling me that it's not safe (she initially said ok to look after him, and changed her decision just 3 days before my delivery, so I had to find a childminder in that short span of time. Most of them were full and had no space for him and I even came to a decision to go through labor alone so that my dh can stay with ds). I never took her decision to heart and carried on to have a nice friendship with her. But what happened today is kinda triggering me in a way that I am starting to think, why should I let my ds down infront of these people. Please tell me if I am wrong and what I should be ideally doing.

[Rangoon]

When I was 3 years old, I became quite keen on a 7 year old and apparently tried to corner him so I could kiss him! I have absolutely no memory of that but my mother told me decades later. Apparently everybody around at the time thought it was quite funny and they were of a strict religious persuasion if not very woke. I do remember though my cousins trying to slip off to play football without my 3 year old self being in the way. Anyway I have not found myself accosting youngsters subsequently so I wouldn't be too worried about your son. I think I would give the friend a miss though.

[butterpuffed]

@ChancesWhatChances

So why didn’t you step in when she “disciplined” your child? Why not deal with the situation there and then?

Totally agree . Everyone seems to be completely centred on OP's son kissing his friend. How did you react to your friend screaming at him, OP, what did you say ?

[MessAllOver]

Screaming at or roughly manhandling a young child is unacceptable. If anyone did that to my child (except to save them from running into immediate danger), I would be questioning whether to continue the friendship. Your friend sounds unhinged to treat your very small child like that. I've never behaved like that to another child even when one hit mine across the face with a heavy wooden toy. It's just not appropriate to frighten small children like that when they need calm, consistent discipline.

On the kissing thing, I'm on the fence but we're not an overly affectionate family and mostly do cuddles not kissing. DS saves his cuddles for family members only so I've never had to intervene with other children. Occasionally, he has been smothered by a "huggy" child and it doesn't particularly bother me - DS is nonplussed but always seems to enjoy the attention and returns the hug before wriggling free. If he really didn't like it, I would gently ask the other child to stop, not shout at them. But he's at nursery where they share food, wrestle and lick each other, so I've sort of come to terms with the Covid risk (I know many have not, and their concerns should be respected).

The "consent" issue is not something I'd worry about at 3 . Young children, both boys and girls, have immature understandings of personal boundaries and personal space and it's our job to guide them as they get older. Just remind him gently that, unlike mummy and daddy, his friends might not want to be kissed and cuddled and that's fine.

[B1rthis]

She shouted at a three year old child in front of other adults and children?
That's not discipline, that's humiliation and intimidation.
Your way of mothering is very different to hers but that doesn't give her the right to frighten a small boy who was only doing something he had been taught was normal.
Why didn't she shout at you to stop your child?
Why didn't you step in and tell her not to shout at your child?
Advocate for your son.

[JustLyra]

I’m guessing you live outside the UK if you’re mixing with other families, in which case the reaction was possibly OTT. If not, I wouldn’t be impressed if a child from another bubble kissed mine, but would probably just grumble about it to DH afterwards rather than make a scene.

@VashtaNerada If the OP is in England then a family with a baby under 1 can have a support bubble with another household under the current rules.

[Abhannmor]

@B1rthis

She shouted at a three year old child in front of other adults and children?
That's not discipline, that's humiliation and intimidation.
Your way of mothering is very different to hers but that doesn't give her the right to frighten a small boy who was only doing something he had been taught was normal.
Why didn't she shout at you to stop your child?
Why didn't you step in and tell her not to shout at your child?
Advocate for your son.

This x 1000.

[Ohdoleavemealone]

Your friend overreacted. And she is a dick for backing our on caring for your son during labour.
As for the kissing everyone is going on about, don't overthink it.
I kiss my kids all the time but also teach them that they have to respect other people and their bodies. No means no etc.

Kids can understand both.

[muddyford]

I also feel sorry for the 'friend's' DD!

[BumBurnerBum]

You need to clarify what the discipline entailed. She sounds mad and I would have taken my child and left if someone shouted at them for normal toddler behaviour. How did you react?

[Lalliella]

@JustLyra

I’m guessing you live outside the UK if you’re mixing with other families, in which case the reaction was possibly OTT. If not, I wouldn’t be impressed if a child from another bubble kissed mine, but would probably just grumble about it to DH afterwards rather than make a scene.

*@VashtaNerada* If the OP is in England then a family with a baby under 1 can have a support bubble with another household under the current rules.

She shouldn’t be mixing with other friends though.

OP - you are being unreasonable in teaching your son to be affectionate without also teaching him about boundaries and social distancing. And you are being very unreasonable in breaking the Covid rules.

Friend’s reaction was over the top though. And refusing to help you out when you had your baby after saying she would was VU.

[cherrybunx0]

Your friend sounds exhausting. Like another poster pointed out, if she is that worried why is she having friends in her house? But won't take her child to the park? What?

I wouldn't have anyone scream at my child either. I don't scream at her, sure as hell wouldn't have anyone else speaking to her like that. And to roughly drag her 2 year old away, for the fact that another toddler kissed her? Whole thing sounds crazy. Normal toddler behaviour in my experience, Your friend needs to catch a hold of herself. I'd be backing away from this friendship OP.. Not just because of this but I would find it hard being around someone who is that illogical.

[Nith]

I'm amazed by all these people who say it's "extremely inappropriate" for 3 year olds to give each other a kiss. I hate to think what sort of hang-ups they're teaching their children. Sure, they need to learn boundaries before they get much older, but it's not some terrible aberration, FGS.

That said, at the moment it obviously needs to be reined in because of Covid, so time to teach your child to show affection in other ways, OP.

[Wishing14]

I wouldn’t condone someone shouting at my child like that, a firm ‘its lovely to want to show affection but we shouldn’t be kissing at the moment because of germs’ is sufficient. Also, if she was that anxious about covid, why is she allowing play dates at her house? People are aware you don’t have to kiss someone to spread covid right?

[user1493494961]

She can't be that anxious about the virus, sounds like she had a house full (or a bloody big bubble).

[DianaT1969]

I'm finding your bubble situation odd. In her house now, but she wouldn't risk looking after your DC while you went into labour a couple of months ago. Nothing much has changed, unless you've both had the vaccine.
Back away from this friendship.

[xMarksTheSpotlight]

We are in a pandemic still. Perhaps you didn't discuss with her fully the nature of your "bubble" and she isn't fully comfortable considering you all the same household.
If I bubbled with someone whose kids were in childcare and I had taken the decision not to, I would probably want some distance still even if I needed some company. Windows open and no slobbery kisses.

[CoraPirbright]

I’d cool this friendship. Your son is 3!! I don’t thing that you need worry overly about boundaries and consent at this stage! But dropping you in it by suddenly deciding to back out of your arrangement 3 days before you were due to give birth absolutely stinks imo.

[Frannibananni]

He’s three. He shouldn’t be getting screamed at by adults. I would ghost her for sure, she sounds batshit.

[Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]

I think you’re both unreasonable. Sounds like she massively overreacted, but like you seem to actively think it was a good thing that he was trying to kiss her. There’s Covid obviously but maybe there is something deeper here, maybe she is concerned also about teaching child that nobody can kiss/touch them without their permission? Or maybe she was just pissed at your lack of reaction?

Overall I think both could have been better. She shouldn’t have stepped in with your child, but to be fair if you didn’t then you have to know she would

[cherrybunx0]

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy Not sure OP would of known to step into a situation that she perceived as entirely innocent. Toddler kisses other toddler - not exactly breaking news.

And in fairness to OP, if I was in someone's home who by the sounds of it had multiple people and kids in there I wouldn't expect them to loose their mind if the children got too close. How can you reasonably tell 2 and 3 year olds to stay away from each other? Unfair I think. If the friend is that concerned she shouldn't be having anyone except her own household in her space.

[MusicWithRocksIn1t]

How did she discipline your ds?
Was it a gentle, please don't do that?

I'd drop her on the letting you down days before you had your youngest tbh. I'd never do that to my friend and would be very upset if someone did it to me.

[KnobblyWand]

What do you mean by 'disciplined him'?

I don't shout at my kids if I can at all avoid it, so I wouldn't be putting up with someone else shouting at them either. At that point I'd have scooped DS up and left.

Yeah kissing isn't great etiquette at the moment, obviously, but he's 3.

She sounds as though she has some form of anxiety and that's unfortunate, but you don't go round screaming at babies ffs.

[rwalker]

don't over think just ditch her. The sad thing is how her DD will be affected by her .

[Winkle2020]

Hey all thanks a lot for all responses. I will for sure teach my ds about personal boundaries and it's well said that I should teach him to kiss only family members. When I said we have always taught him to be affectionate what I meant is, to be kind, not to push other children. Infact we have never asked my ds to kiss anybody until we met this family who always always encouraged their dd to kiss and hug my ds. She and her husband always did this in the beginning and always give my ds a goodbye kiss.
Also that friends disciplining response was so quick, that I was still on shock, I did intervene and asked my ds not to do that. I was still shocked to realise that she took her dd as it my ds was trying to sexually assault her. I mean I feel even bad to say this but that was my impression when she did
As you all say I will keep her friendship on check. I would have did this when she gave up on taking care of my son during labor but thought I shouldnt be cutting off friendships rather deal it gracefully.

[HoppingPavlova]

Also that friends disciplining response was so quick, that I was still on shock

Again, what was the disciplining response? Can you describe exactly what she did rather than just a general ‘she disciplined him’. Exactly how did she do this?