To be upset that my friend disciplined my ds

[Winkle2020]

So we have this friend of us who has a dd age 2 and my son aged 3. While playing my ds kissed her daughter in an affectionate way. My friend just screamed as if my ds has done something terribly wrong infront of other friends. And she also went on to discipline him infront of me. She then took her dd angrily upstairs and came back after a while. She looked upset and I could feel that she was struggling to even smile. I knew that she is over protective about her dd ( I am saying this because from certain instances like she not sending her to nursery, not taking her to parks infact never took her dd to any public parks fearing she would catch infection) , I mean myself and my husband are very laid back and we always taught our little ones to be affectionate to others. My ds kisses me his dad and his little sis a good night kiss everyday. I dont even know if this is something I should be worried and ask my ds to stop doing that to my friends dd, but I kind of dont like the way my friend reacted to this whole thing and it kinda upsetted me. I was embarrassed when she disciplined my ds and I really wanted to leave their house immediately. Am I at the wrong side ? Honestly I was telling my husband about this and said we should try and avoid going to their house for a while. Not linked to this issue but wanted to add, this is the same friend who was our support bubble 2 months ago when I gave birth to my dd. She straight out said no to look after my ds on the day of my delivery, telling me that it's not safe (she initially said ok to look after him, and changed her decision just 3 days before my delivery, so I had to find a childminder in that short span of time. Most of them were full and had no space for him and I even came to a decision to go through labor alone so that my dh can stay with ds). I never took her decision to heart and carried on to have a nice friendship with her. But what happened today is kinda triggering me in a way that I am starting to think, why should I let my ds down infront of these people. Please tell me if I am wrong and what I should be ideally doing.

[HoppingPavlova]

I say this because, I know many parents ask their children not to jump on the bed or couch but I never do that.may be I am really wrong in this but I always thought it's ok for him to enjoy jumping around. Honestly I still dont know why that is not right.

Lots of people don’t want your child, or any other child, jumping all over the furniture in their house, using their couch as a trampoline. I’m guessing she was sitting there not comprehending how you were just looking at your child jumping around like this and not stopping him. Combine they with pushing, as I’m guessing you may not have controlled that either, together with the jumping, and when he kissed the daughter and you still sat there she exploded sensing you were never going to take control. It’s not great but I could see how that could happen.

I will also do that these days. No need to tell and scream but if the parent us sitting there like a lemon watching their child behave inappropriately in my house you get I will say something. No need to yell or scream but I do tell the kids in a very firm voice that their behaviour is inappropriate and they need to stop (Johnny, we don’t jump on the couch here, I need you to stop and get down now please). I think because I do that rather than sitting there stewing it doesn’t boil over, I think she sat there stewing and then exploded.

[ArcheryAnnie]

I also note that the OP is massaging the story somewhat to address our concerns.

[Xerochrysum]

Screamed in front of other friends(who are they, and why were they there?), and disciplined, forced to visit(against will?), yeah, I started to think maybe the OTT one isn't OP's friend.

[PurpleWh1teGreen]

Would love to know the other side of this one.

[Fatandfifty49]

It doesn't sound as if she was very nice to your little boy. I do understand the anxiety about COVID but it is weird to suggest it is bad behaviour on par with jumping or pushing and that would have been a deal breaker for me.

I had a lot of acquaintances with mums when mine were small and found it incredibly difficult when we had different parenting styles. I met a few bonkers people ,too

[Bluntness100]

How does she force you to go then?

[Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]

I’m increasingly getting the view that you’re probably very passive and not exactly strongly in control of any situation

[emilyfrost]

When I dont go or deny her invitation she would call and force us to come.

She doesn’t force you to go. You’re a grown adult; if you don’t want to go you just say no

Your exaggeration this way leads me to believe she didn’t “scream” at your son; you just didn’t like him being told off.

[Winkle2020]

Also just to clarify they offered us to be a support bubble and invited us to home. When I dont go or deny her invitation she would call and force us to come. Her behaviour seems to me is very inconsistent like offering to be helping and leaving us with no support when needed. The same behaviour when she and her husband encouraged their dd to kiss and hug my ds and whine like a baby when my ds does the same.

[Winkle2020]

Hey all I accept that we need to teach them but in this case only after the friend screamed we all turned to see what happened, at that time when I looked I saw my ds gave a little kiss to her daughter" I took a moment to understand what's going on within that moment she screamed and took her dd back to upstairs. May be as some suggested it's an accumulated frustration from that friend.
I did step in and told my son not to kiss her if she doesnt like it. He said ok mummy then gave a smile and ran. Not just this time whenever he tried to push or jump or snatch toys we have always told him.not to do that. If I had seen him first I would have made sure this hasn't happened.
My little one is going to go to nursery from 8th of march then I wont be anyway going to anyone's place. There were few occasions in which I felt she is being like this, but what happened now is the limit. I will not allow my child to be shouted by someone else and this friendship is nothing before him

[Bluntness100]

[quote CantBeAssed]@archeryAnnie
What i meant was when a parent is present it is up to the parent to discipline their child..not the friend...when needed...obviously when a child is in school/preschool etc it is a teachers place to discipline🙄[/quote]
Yup. Unless you get a parent who doesn’t. Then there comes a point when frustration can boil over, unintentially.

I don’t know if the op is that parent, but some think it’s wonderful to watch them do as they please, the friend i referred to, I watched her three year old son deliberately empty his full bag of crisps on my living room carpet, then jump on them all. Crushing them in, she sat and laughed, like “how cute”. I’d never have let my daughter do that in my house, never mind someone else’s. She also didn’t offer to clean it up.

You see it in public places all the time, kids running around doing whatever, and some parent sitting smiling benignly, and if you dare say anything they are all “oh it’s a joy to watch them”.

Eh, no it’s not. Not even bloody remotely. Teach your kid to behave. It’s called parenting.

[ArcheryAnnie]

[quote CantBeAssed]@archeryAnnie
What i meant was when a parent is present it is up to the parent to discipline their child..not the friend...when needed...obviously when a child is in school/preschool etc it is a teachers place to discipline🙄[/quote]
But the parent - the OP - didn't step in, because the parent didn't think anything was a problem, when it clearly was.

[Wishing14]

Surely covid is a moot point - they are a support bubble who have play dates in each other’s houses. If you were highly anxious about covid you wouldn’t do that.

[CantBeAssed]

@archeryAnnie
What i meant was when a parent is present it is up to the parent to discipline their child..not the friend...when needed...obviously when a child is in school/preschool etc it is a teachers place to discipline🙄

[mam0918]

@Bluntness100

The pushing jumping thing isn’t ok. You can enjoy watching your kid jump on your sofa and bed, but not someone else’s. Clearly she is frustrated with how your child behaves. Different parenting styles.

Your husband is right, I think it’s time to cool it for awhile. Different parenting styles can be difficult. I had a friend who let her son do anything he wished at this age, he ran riot, threw food, jumped on everything, as she laughed and looked on smiling, like it was cute. I’d watch her and think you’ve got to be shitting me.

Yep, thats why I dont have 'mam friends'... because so often I ended up thinking 'You've got to be shitting me' while they blatently let their kids do anything they want and it stresses me out.

[Bluntness100]

The pushing jumping thing isn’t ok. You can enjoy watching your kid jump on your sofa and bed, but not someone else’s. Clearly she is frustrated with how your child behaves. Different parenting styles.

Your husband is right, I think it’s time to cool it for awhile. Different parenting styles can be difficult. I had a friend who let her son do anything he wished at this age, he ran riot, threw food, jumped on everything, as she laughed and looked on smiling, like it was cute. I’d watch her and think you’ve got to be shitting me.

[Schoolchoicesucks]

If she wasn't like this pre-covid, and was a good friend, families were close, then may be tempted to give her the benefit of the doubt.

It sounds as though previously she encouraged affection with the kids, but is now wary of taking care of your child while you were in labour and not taking her daughter to public parks - both of which are in keeping with wariness about covid.

Could it be that as your son is in nursery, she panicked when he kissed her daughter about infection?

Obviously she shouldn't have shouted and scared him, but if it was an instant reaction, could be some excuse.

[Pebbledashery]

Teach*

[Pebbledashery]

My god, she would hate my DD then. She's the most affectionate little girl ever. I love it. There's obviously something deep set going on with her. That being said her reaction is completely out of order and out of line to discipline your DS. He sounds like a lovely little boy who comes from a very loving family. Him and you are not in the wrong and if you continue to hang around with said friend, that type of reaction will reach him that being affectionate is wrong. I'd be finding a new friend if I was you.. I wouldn't allow such negativity around my child.

[minniemoocher]

I think she was ott, but it is a good idea to start to teach your dd it is not acceptable to kids others ( he'll learn when it is socially acceptable once he reaches an appropriate age eg 16.) Consent is a good lesson to start young with.

As to why they were playing in the same house in lockdown, well??? You mentioned she's not your support bubble which begs that question! With covid she may be extra cautious but I think I would have been slightly perturbed by a on the lips kiss when my DD's were toddlers, we taught them to hug relatives not kiss

[mam0918]

The reaction of screaming and disaplining another persons child for this is massively OTT.

but

Teaching your children they are allowed to touch and kiss other people is absoloutly wrong too. Its not normal for children to go around kissing their friends and while I would not react angry at a child (they are still learning and its normal developement) I would have a word with the parent about appropriateness, boundries and ways to stop it not happening again.

and

Your reaction of not doing anything while another adult overstepped boundries with your child is utterly bizaare too, who stands their want watches someone get angry and scream at their child? Your job as a mother is to protect your child from that.

[ArcheryAnnie]

However it isnt up to your friend to scold your child

ICantBeAssed if there's two children playing together, and a problem happens, it's entirely appropriate for either parent present to intevene.

What do you think will happen when the OP's DS is at nursery? Or at a playdate without her being there? Other people will step in to deal with any problems, and characterising it as "scolding", which only the OP should only every be allowed to do, is ridiculous.

[ArcheryAnnie]

Be strong in standing for what you think, because a 3 year old giving a kiss is not bad behaviour, you clearly know that. People who think otherwise aren’t right in the head

A three year old giving a kiss to another kid isn't a bad kid. Nobody thinks that. But not every other kid will want a kiss, and it's right to start teaching a three year old that it isn't appropriate to just rush up and plant a smacker on any other kid he feels like.

A three year old doesn’t understand what a pandemic is. Not to mention that covid is unlikely to even give them anything much more than a cold

Most children won't have serious complications from catching covid. Many or most may even be completely asymptomatic. But the point about children with covid is that they are carriers, and who they carry it to may become seriously ill.

[nancywhitehead]

[quote Winkle2020]@HoppingPavlova

What she did was exactly like below

Dd's mum sees my ds give a kiss to her dd, screams at first then walks there takes her child (I also went in to intervene and to check what happened) and in an angry tone says to my ds "it's a bad habit to push or jump, or kiss, it's a bad behaviour, understand? Then she runs upstairs with her dd which for me looked like as if my ds was assaulting her and she needs to be taken away.

I then was telling my ds not to do these and then she comes back looking upset[/quote]
This is such a huge overreaction. I'm not surprised you were shocked and upset by it.

Your child did nothing wrong, this other woman sounds bonkers and hysterical. I do wonder if something happened to her in the past and she is projecting onto her daughter and being overprotective.

Either way, it is not your problem. Don't let it get to you - ignore it and move on. In your situation I think I would even have had a word with this other woman about the way she treated your son - he must have been very confused by the whole thing!

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

Yes the friend was OTT it quite honestly your children are never too young to be taught about boundaries and consent. I think it's especially important for boys to know. I don't allow my 2 to kiss anybody except me