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Original poster

Anyone else just not fit in?

26 replies

Sunnyrainydays · 26/02/2021 23:45

Hello, sorry for the odd title, was trying hard to think of one that adequately summarised my post....

I'm in my late 30s, it's been said to me several times that I could be on the autistic spectrum and that apparently I have a lot of Aspergers type traits. I can see this myself in a lot of ways. I've. It had a formal diagnosis as yet but I think I shall visit my GP to see what they say.
I don't feel that autism is my only 'problem' though. I've always felt odd and different throughout my life and I've always had this weird thing happen to me and I want to see if anyone here can identify and reassure me that I'm not actually losing my mind!! When I'm talking to someone they almost always have a startled or alarmed look on their face and look at me as if I have grown an extra head and quickly look away to avoid my eyes. I'm aware I have quite intense and piercing blue eyes anyway but I'm not sure if I inadvertently do something weird with my eyes or face while I'm speaking to them. It can be as simple as purchasing a stamp from the post office, for example. I'm always kind and polite and smile and have no problems with small talk and am not shy with strangers at all. It's just that I must have strange eye contact !
Has anyone else experienced something like this?
Also, does anyone else have Aspergers ?
I've felt like a square peg in a round hole for as long as I can remember and it's upsetting me.

OP posts:

Bringallthebiscuits · 27/02/2021 05:51

Hi, I’m in a similar situation to you, suspect autism but not diagnosed yet. Always felt a bit different to other people and now have a child awaiting assessment for ASD too. Could you ask a friend or family member to tell you if you do anything unusual with your eyes?

SnuggyBuggy · 27/02/2021 06:04

Maybe you need to somehow watch yourself on film. I think it can be really hard to know how you actually come across and some people need a lot of help growing up to learn social skills.

garlictwist · 27/02/2021 06:14

I think everyone feels they don't fit in and are "the other". I'd say it's pretty normal.

Bluntness100 · 27/02/2021 06:16

Do you have anyone close to you you can ask and who will be honest?

haggisandmarsbar · 27/02/2021 06:58

Yes. I don't know what it is about me but I never fitted in with my family or at school.

Fleapit · 27/02/2021 08:38

@garlictwist

I think everyone feels they don't fit in and are "the other". I'd say it's pretty normal.

Yes, there are huge numbers of threads on here saying exactly this on a regular basis.

It’s perfectly possible, OP, that you over-do eye contact, or maybe stand uncomfortably close to people when talking to them? Or I knew someone years ago who spoke far too loudly for comfort. You would be standing two feet from her on the street and she would be projecting as if you were at the other end of a football pitch. No idea whether she was hearing-impaired.

Original poster

Sunnyrainydays · 27/02/2021 11:26

Hello all , thanks for the replies. Sorry if my OP was a bit disjointed last night, it was late !!
I always keep a good couple of metres from people (especially now due to the current situation!) as I don't like people really close to me so I'm always conscious to give plenty of space so it's not that. I've always been quite popular in a way but only on a superficial basis and when I see people now and again, I'm not great at sustaining friendships long term apart from a handful of close friends I've known for years. I have good intentions though and would never be nasty to anyone as it's just not in my nature and I always help people in need so I don't give off any unpleasant vibe (I sincerely hope not!). My mum said you just have quite piercing blue eyes and that's that, she didn't say I do anything odd with them....I'm so paranoid now!! I'd be too self-conscious to watch myself on video, it's a bit like hearing your own voice recorded and it always sounds awful

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunnyrainydays · 27/02/2021 11:28

@SnuggyBuggy I don't know if it's a social skills thing as I'm always polite, take my turn in conversation, don't interrupt people, stand back and give space. I don't know why! I try so hard yet feel so odd!

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunnyrainydays · 27/02/2021 11:33

My son (8) has been diagnosed as autistic and I'm guilt-ridden as he's obviously got it from me (I know this is daft but it's how I feel).

OP posts:

CaffeineInfusion · 27/02/2021 13:43

Me.

My 2 kids have autism. And in trying to cope with them, I've been able to see that I'm so similar.

It's not easy, but the older I get, the more I've been able to say no to stuff, and people don't resist my choice. If I can't cope in a situation, I leave. It's taken nearly 50 years to be able to do that but I feel so much happier.

bellropes · 27/02/2021 14:04

That's how I feel and I have a diagnosis of autism (aspergers type).

Original poster

Sunnyrainydays · 27/02/2021 18:17

So pleased I'm not alone but sorry for anyone else who feels like this!!

OP posts:

RavingAnnie · 27/02/2021 19:50

I've always felt like I am odd and don't fit in. I'm really not sure it's true that everyone feels like that. I've discussed this over the years with my husband and friends I've had and they all said they don't feel like that.

I have ADHD (diagnosed) and a son with ADHD and autism.

I don't think people seem alarmed when speaking to me though. Could you be misreading their facial expressions? That's common in autism.

Or maybe if you feel able (perhaps not in the post office lol!) if it's someone you know why not ask them while you see the expression and see what they say?

yaboo · 27/02/2021 20:21

Yeah, it's the same for me. People seem to give to react to me as if I'm frightening, as if they're scared of me, or I'm offensively ugly or such. It has annoyed me forever. I've deliberately tried to modify my stance and make myself appear smaller, more round shouldered, etc, and I've altered my vocal inflection and facial expression so I appear more gentle and non-threatening, but it still happens.

Now I just deliberately don't look at people, no eye contact, etc and that helps me a bit, but it doesn't help them: they still react to me as if I'm some kind of serial killer even before I've opened my mouth.

I'm loving wearing a mask and sunglasses, and shall be quite sad when they're no longer hiding my face...

yaboo · 27/02/2021 20:22

ignore the 'give to' in the first para: don't know where that came from...

Gilead · 27/02/2021 22:13

Me, but I’m autistic, so that’s why. I don’t care anymore, I’m 62, have a small group of fabulous friends who are accepting of me. I could never cope with the playground drop offs or that sort of thing.

amusedbush · 27/02/2021 22:44

Yes, I feel the same way - my GP has just referred me for an autism assessment.

Vivenne · 27/02/2021 22:54

I don't feel like I fit in, I also think I'm on the spectrum. Nobody seems to "get me" or like me or just takes me the wrong way. I wish I knew more people like me and that understood me and my awkwardness.

tobee · 27/02/2021 23:27

I wonder, do you think you are reading the facial expressions correctly? If everyone looks like this?

I think I might ask autistic dd her thoughts on this.

Semprefeliz · 27/02/2021 23:59

I’ve felt similar, not a scared look as such, I’m not sure what it is, I almost feel like they don’t like me straightaway, but how can that be? As you say, I’m friendly, open..do people with autism imagine these types of looks? I really don’t see how I can be imagining it. I’ve had friends throughout my life but can also feel very awkward, I attributed it to social anxiety or lack of confidence at times, as it comes and goes but I’m not so sure.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 28/02/2021 00:04

My df is autistic , I am not but I have been conscious that I have learnt behaviours from growing up with him. I hold eye contact for too long (this is because my df hates eye contact but taught himself by rote that it was needed so he holds it too long because for him it's a task so to speak...like brushing your teeth) , naturally I seemed to pick it up from him.

I also struggle with being too specific, again learnt from him , so for example if I am explaining to someone something that happened when I went to the shop yesterday , I can't help myself but explain exactly which shop , which road I went down , what time etc.

These small behaviours really put people off. I have massively worked on them because I, over the years , have realised why they are there ( I have an ASD child so things felt into place).

Unfortunately however hard i have worked on them it has developed a distrust of other people , i learnt very quickly that if you behave for a second put of the norm people can be particularly dismissive and nasty. Actually you see it on MN all the time. A silly action from someone and you see a post about how rude and awful they are. It has taught me to heavily distrust anyone's so called friendship. They will always find something to judge you on.

It's tough because i desperately don't want DC to have that experience so we work very heavily on them being confident in their own right without needing other peoples opinions of them (whilst at the same time not making them distrust other people the way i do....its a flipping fine line ).

I'm sorry i don't have a lot of advice more empathy that it can be a very uncomfortable feeling. Lots of people will dismiss it as you reading into things but i often find that is usually the people who are the most standoffish if there is anything unusual about you.

My only advice really is to work towards not being too worried about fitting in. I've finally got to the point of actively not being concerned with people who become a bit off with me because of my social behaviour ( which is perfectly acceptable in terms of not being rude etc). That may be more the key , being ok with not fitting in rather than trying to change it.

However I can only say that for me , I totally understand it's not the attitude that suits everyone.

tobee · 28/02/2021 00:06

Btw I wasn't mean imagining it; reading it slightly wrong. Or maybe primed to expect a certain expression and then giving off a slight unease. Maybe? These things can occur in a nano second.

bluetongue · 28/02/2021 09:21

I feel same OP. It’s not just you. I haven’t been diagnosed with anything but certainly have many ASD traits and my mum is similar.

My problem is I find eye contact uncomfortable and avoid it without realising. There’s definitely an element of social anxiety for me as well.

I’d say it’s more common than you realise. Autism in females is often missed as it presents differently.

amusedbush · 28/02/2021 16:56

for example if I am explaining to someone something that happened when I went to the shop yesterday , I can't help myself but explain exactly which shop , which road I went down , what time etc.

Yes, I do this too! I never noticed until DH started asking me to get to the point when I was telling a story 🙈

BlackeyedSusan · 28/02/2021 17:33

Well, here we all are fitting in this thread by not fitting in!

Eye contact is so uncomfortable I probably wouldn't notice as I am looking somewhere completely different.

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