Mumsnet isnt helpful. Its dangerous.

[HowIsThisOk]

If you take one scroll down the trending threads list, its obvious that mumsnet isnt here to help mums. Its here so people can voice their worries, thinking they will get help, and instead they get judgement, bile, abuse, and told they are simply not good enough. Being a parent in these times is really really hard, but mumsnet clearly shows that so many people are filled with so much anger they just direct it at anyone who shows any weakness or worry. I saw today how dangerous it is, having anonymous people pull other mums apart. I am a person who will just step away, and it will bug me for a few days that those people exist, but I wont fall apart. Some will read the vile abuse thats thrown at them from anonymous, judgemental people, and that may have a lasting and damaging effect on them.

So, the point of this rant? Its like Mean Girls; 'Hands up if you have ever said something nasty about anyone behind their back. Hands up if you have ever had anyone say something nasty about you behind your back.'. Except this isnt behind your back is it? If you have posted something here, and found yourself an hour later in an angry panic desperately defending yourself from the onslaught, then you are not alone. This is horrible site, giving an outlet to horrible people. Looking at responses from some people today, many need to step away from this site. Being told you are a bad Mum/bad person especially if you are trying your best and looking for help, will have a huge affect on anyone.

I am out. Maybe you should be too.

“Be Kind”??

I’ll admit it’s worse than it used to be and there have been times when I’ve protested directly on threads when I’ve seen an uncalled-for pile on, and / or called in the cavalry. But generally it’s a good source of talk between women, and there are only certain types of people who view that as dangerous. There’s more of that around too. Perhaps that’s the real cause of the terrible unkindness.

Nah! Thanks... I always get great advice here.

Some of the judgement of a mum on one thread today was downright horrible.

Full of 'perfect' parents telling someone having a rant and looking for a bit of support that basically they were a shit mother and doing parenting wrong.

So I do agree with you, OP.

MN literally saved my life.
I have seen MNers save the lives of other posters (e.g. numerous women going through ectopics and not realising until posters have said!)

Every single person that complains about MN spends most of their time in AIBU. It's a cesspit, and tbh, if you don't like it turn it off.
It's not compulsory to use the internet, and people need to take some personal responsibility for themselves.

@DobbyTheHouseElk

Nethuns is >>>>>> that way

Such a dull and unoriginal response

The gaslighting and bullying on some sections is quite bad. There’s always some twat piping up to twist the OPs words and try to make them feel crap because they get a kick out of it, but then that’s how some people make themselves feel powerful.
It very often speaks volumes about that poster and very little about the one who made the thread.
They must lead quite a sad life if bullying people on the internet is how they get their kicks.

I had so much help from people on MN over the years. I never had what you said on your OP. I don't start the thread on AIBU, I always start the thread on relevant board.

@Doyoumind

You're focusing in AIBU OP. There are loads of other parts of the site where people make really useful, interesting or funny contributions.

Totally. People can be mean but people can be sweet here also. The mental health forum is nice and compassionate. When people are cruel they are hiding behind a username and are fuelling their ego so people don't see the real person. They are trying to form and protect their fragile self image, but it happens on most internet forums.

No, it isn't dangerous. It's just like real life; sometimes people are angels and sometimes people are arseholes.

I much prefer this site to things like fbook. I deleted fbook as I was so fed up of seeing pictures of kids writing or video clips of them reading. You don't get that on here! Also, you get people's true feelings, which can sometimes be hurtful but I guess you get a balanced view.

This should be in Flouncer's Corner.

If you think MN is 'dangerous' it's for the best if you leave and not put yourself in any further danger...

Basically give AIBU a wide berth, have a mooch on Active if you're bored but don't take it so seriously. Otherwise stick to the Chat topics that are relevant to you. I did find a lot of helpful tips on MN when mine were young but they were in Chat.
You have to know how to use MN and not to spend an unhealthy amount of time on it. Also be mindful it's a public forum for everyone to see/ comment/ publish in the media.

I find the tone of an OP really affects responses. The misuse or an ill-judged word can cause horrible posts. Also if the OP sounds judgmental without just right amount of humility, it can cause a highly judgemental flamming (the irony!).

Some posters seem to be intent that the OP is the source of their own misery. I even came across "there must be backstory" when OPs were clearly being badly treated. No end of insinuations based on really flimsy suppositions.

Also there is a lot of transference and a kind of selfish top trumps. Like: "your issues would cause me inconvenience/interfer with my concerns if i was involved". (All imaginary of course.)

In a nutshell, there is an incredible lack of empathy, which some people revell in when in a pack.

But like a rowdy pub, i like the entertainment value. I really limit any posting, but I do try to post supportively when i have seen a particularly horrible pile on. A couple of times it has happened to me and i was grateful for sympathic voices amongst the nastiness.

Tip: Never start a thread, if you do need to comment - don't give away anything personal and name change constantly.

OP has already flounced. I guess replying is a bit futile.

I think once you get out of the main topics of AIBU and chat, you will find a lot of useful advice and support. You are right though that there is a lot of unpleasantness on here. This thread does come up at least once a week though, so I think people are a bit tired of seeing it and you won't get many kind responses.

I have been flamed so hard my arse is still sparking but mumsnet has also made me laugh so hard I couldn't see for the tears, kept me sane during the toddler years and made me feel less lonely through this never ending lockdown.
It's what you look at, and how you view it that counts.

@Saucery

To enjoy Mumsnet, one must touch much of it lightly.

This, when a poster is in real need of help, people are mostly helpful.

I love Mumsnet.

I can ignore posts or threads I don't like.

I can also say when I can't go out it's been my lifeline - the warts and all.

So adios Chica if it isn't for you.

I absolutely love it and have been here for 8 years.

You really need to 'get' it though or you could take things the wrong way very easily.

I joined about 8 years ago specifically for The Litter Tray. I've NC'd many times since then but I've always found it amazingly kind and supportive.

Either you're hanging around AIBU without knowing it's Fight Club, or you're posting muppetry.

I agree op but I have found this the case with AIBU and some of the chat. The pregnancy and parenting forums are much nicer.

I wish mnhq would step in earlier sometimes. I have seen some pretty awful threads where the op is broken, trying to update and no one reads it, hundreds just continue battering her over the first thread.

You do you.

I have a group of very close friends I met on here 10 years ago. We have seen each other through miscarriages, cancer, bereavements and so much more. People are people, online or off. There are good ones, and not so good ones.

dangerous?? its just a 2 bit time wasting forum.....nothing more

oh, and its not just for MUMS either!

It's a mixed bag - a bit like real life. You have to remember that you don't know any of these people and it doesn't actually matter at all if a total stranger disagrees with you online - it has no meaningful impact on your day-to-day life.

I've had some really good advice from here and done threads have made me laugh until I've cried. I've also become better informed as a result of what I've read on this site. I honestly believe that when it really matters, most people are pretty kind and will do what they can to help you.
The arguments on aibu are just people swapping opinions. But it's not for everyone and if it doesn't suit you, then of course you shouldn't stay.