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Original poster

Anyone awake for a handhold?

29 replies

peachgreen · 23/02/2021 03:11

My lovely DH died suddenly in October. I'm doing okay in general given the circumstances but tonight is really bad. I can't sleep and every time I close my eyes I'm having flashbacks to when he was ill before he died and to finding him dead and doing CPR. He was so scared when he was ill and there was one night when it got really bad and he couldn't come upstairs to wake me up and he messaged me and asked me to come down but I didn't wake up. He was so scared and I wasn't there. I can't stop thinking about it. And then when he was in hospital he said something happened that was really frightening and traumatic but he wasn't ready to talk about it and then he died before we got the chance and now my mind goes to so many awful places. I keep thinking about how scared he was and how I wasn't there and what if he was that scared when he died, what if he knew it was happening? I can't bear it. I can't stop seeing his face when I found him. I feel so alone.

OP posts:

Goldensunnydays81 · 23/02/2021 03:16

I’m so sorry about your dh, just wanted to give you a handhold. It must have been been such a hard last few months

DWPmisery1972 · 23/02/2021 03:19

Hi op, I couldn’t read without commenting. Please don’t feel guilty, he was frightened but you were with him as much as you could have been and you did everything you could. I can’t even imagine the pain you’re going through, I hope you feel a virtual handhold from me. Just know he’s sleeping now, he’s not frightened or feeling any pain. He wouldn’t have blamed you, you were his love. I can’t imagine how much you are grieving right now but you have been through something traumatic so your flashbacks are totally understandable. I’m so sorry you lost your lovely DH- do you want to tell us more about him?

Crockof · 23/02/2021 03:19

Oh peach I think of you often, just wish I could give you a hug. The nights are the worst I know, just do whatever it takes to get you through.

wellthatsunusual · 23/02/2021 03:19

That's horrendous for you. But don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't neglect him and I'm sure he knew that.

Do you want to talk about him? Would that help? (And don't feel obliged to if it wouldn't help at all)

ajandjjmum · 23/02/2021 03:21

I remember reading your threads when your DH was taken ill, and later when he so sadly died. You were amazing. You have a small DD - L? - your experience has really stayed with me. Your DH would be so proud of you. Have you had any therapy - do you think that might help? Although going over stuff in the middle of the night is so natural - always seems even worse when it's late and you're thinking alone.

LunarCatAndDaffodils · 23/02/2021 03:21

Hello

Thought this advice on how to manage flashbacks might help:
pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

It’s geared towards people who flashback to traumatic childhood memories but a lot of the practical advice and techniques apply to more recent experiences too.

piperatthegates · 23/02/2021 03:22

Handhold here from me Peach. I understand how you're feeling my own lovely DH died 7 years ago in a hospice and I still feel so guilty that I didn't manage to get him home. But you have to be kind to yourself and know that you did your best. I'm sure that your DH knew how much you loved him. I really hope this helps you. Virtual hug from me.

bluelemming · 23/02/2021 03:24

You are absolutely not alone OP. Sending love.

oakleydoke · 23/02/2021 03:27

Your brain can be so cruel in the night, can't it?

You were there for your lovely DH. He valued you so much that you were the one he reached for in his lowest moments, so he knew you were there. It is so easy when someone is gone too soon to confuse quantity of time with the quality of time you spent with them. But from all your posts, the overwhelming sense is a relationship full of love and a proper shared life all the way to the end. What a wonderful thing you made together.

And now, you have been so kind in sharing it with us. Thank you for letting us know your DH, if only a little.

typicalvalues · 23/02/2021 03:27

Would it help you tell us about happy memories with him? Tell us about his character?

GreenSlide · 23/02/2021 03:33

You're not alone my love, we are here. Gather up all those thoughts and worries and hand them over to us and we will keep them safe through the night

Original poster

peachgreen · 23/02/2021 03:35

Thank you everyone. I felt so frightened and alone. It really helps to know somebody is listening. Yes I have a DD, she's 3. Thank you everyone who read my threads and remembers us. It really helps.

I would love to talk about him. He was the most wonderful man. He was kind and gentle and funny and so, so loving. It was love at first sight, when I saw him I felt like I had come home. I just thought "oh, it's you, here you are, at last" and he felt the same. We were so connected. When DD was born I had very bad PND and he took care of us so tenderly and lovingly. He lit up when he talked about us. His whole life was about loving us. He was so romantic, but sincere about it. He believed we were soulmates, made for each other by God. I did too. I never had a moment of doubt about him or about us. He had giant blue eyes and a beautiful wide smile and a really soft voice. He sang all the time. He knew every word to You Can Call Me Al and his favourite movie was Jaws. He was such a gentle, kind soul but he loved terrible horror movies! When he was in hospital he learnt every single nurse's name. Even the ones in ICU from when he was unconscious, he made sure he found out their names afterwards. When he left hospital they all cried, they were so happy. He died less than 3 weeks later and nobody expected it. One of the paramedics who came out had met him before at the park with our daughter and remembered him because of how kind and lovely he was. He cried when he couldn't save him.

I miss him so much. I would do anything just to know that he's safe and he's happy and he wasn't scared. I hate myself for not saving him. He was honestly my whole world. And I'm working so hard and holding it together for my daughter who I love so, so much. But I can't believe I have to go on without him. And I can't bear thinking about that night before he went into hospital. He was so sick and I was just asleep and he was alone and terrified. I hate myself.

OP posts:

ChakaDakotaRegina · 23/02/2021 03:36

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Grief comes at you in strange ways and it’s hard to navigate. It sounds like you tried so hard to look after him and I hope you can take comfort in what you did do rather than the few things that didn’t work out so well.

Identitytheftisnotajoke · 23/02/2021 03:37

Oh Peach, I'm so sorry you're having to experience flashbacks. Try to think of all the times that you made him feel safe and loved and cared for and know that he knew how much you loved him. Dig out a happy memory, where you can see him smiling and loving you. Is there one you'd like to tell us about?

wellthatsunusual · 23/02/2021 03:39

Please don't hate yourself. He wouldn't want you to hate yourself, either for your own sake or for your daughter's sake. He must surely have known that you would have come to him if you could have.

He sounds fantastic. And it is so recent and so raw for you.

sergeantmajor · 23/02/2021 03:42

I really feel for you.
Even if there was one moment when you were upstairs there must have been a billion moments when you were right by his side.

Original poster

peachgreen · 23/02/2021 03:44

I'm so sorry, I know I'm just rambling. It helps. Thank you.

We moved in together after 2 weeks of dating. We just knew it was right. He just made me so, so happy and fulfilled. We spent every minute that we could together. We had just found our contentment and joy in each other. We went through a very long and drawn out miscarriage in 2016 and he was so wonderful. Every night for weeks and weeks while it was going on we would get into bed at 7pm and lie there watching travel and history documentaries and he would stroke my hair until I fell asleep. He ran me a bath most nights for the 8 years we were together. He took such wonderful care of me. And he was so honest and open with me. After he died I read through all his emails and messages, anything I could find, just to get more of him, and he had never once said anything negative about me or crossed a line or anything. All his messages to people were just full of love for me and our little girl.

OP posts:

Nancydrawn · 23/02/2021 03:44

OP, please know that while I don't think I've ever responded to any of your threads, I remember you well and occasionally think of a sudden of the remarkable love you shared with your husband.

I am so sorry you feel alone. Please know that you are not alone, and that you have not only the people in your own life, but a sticky web of people across the world, whether they've written to you or not, of people who support and admire you.

I'm not going to tell you not to feel what you feel. But I will say this: from what you say of your husband, he loved you more than anything in the world and he had a good and pure soul, just as you yourself love him and also have a good soul. I can't imagine for a moment that should the situation be reversed you would have ever wanted him to feel guilt or shame--only love. Please try to grant yourself the grace and forgiveness that you would grant him immediately and without question.

I do hope you're also able to talk to someone in real life who knows what they're doing. You are traumatized and grief-stricken and you need all the support you can get for yourself and your lovely daughter.

Original poster

peachgreen · 23/02/2021 03:50

Thank you all. I can't access any counseling right now because of the pandemic but I honestly am doing okay. Most of the time I know that what you're all saying is true, I know that I made him feel safe and loved and cared for and I know that he didn't know he was dying, it happened so fast he wouldn't have known anything. And when he was in hospital he just talked about how much he loved us and how loved he felt and how proud he was of me for keeping going and grateful to me for being there with him. But it's just sometimes on these long nights where I can't sleep and all I can see when I close my eyes is his face when I found him. It's so fucking hard. It feels so cruel that he was taken from us when he was such a good person. Like you say, he was just a pure soul. He was just beautiful, inside and out.

Thank you all. This helps, it really does. I honestly don't know what I would have done without MN through all of this.

OP posts:

DWPmisery1972 · 23/02/2021 04:03

He sounds like such a lovely man, I’m so sorry you’ve lost him. It’s still so raw for you. You and your daughter are in my thoughts, peach. He wouldn’t want you hating or blaming yourself- like you have said, he was a pure soul and loved you both so much, and made everyone smile. So much love your way peach

Nancydrawn · 23/02/2021 04:03

I am so glad you got to hear those loving words.

In terms of therapy, is it possible to do teletherapy? I'm in the States right now and it's everywhere--most therapists aren't seeing anyone in person but are doing meetings on Zoom or even just by phone. It might be worth looking into, even if you have to go private. There's help there for you, and it's worth it entirely.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2021 04:06

Bless you and your little dd. It sounds as if your love burned very brightly. Maybe the time your dd and her dad had together was short but he packed a lot of love in there. That will forever stay with her.

Please don’t hate yourself. He wouldn’t want that. He loved you and knows you did your very best for him. Life can be so incredibly cruel.

Igmum · 23/02/2021 04:12

Dear Peach so sorry for your loss. He sounds such a lovely man and your relationship was so special. You really had something wonderful together. Please tell us more about him 💐

kittensmittens1 · 23/02/2021 04:16

Sending you a hug and a hand hold while on my night shift. So sorry to hear of your loss. x

Original poster

peachgreen · 23/02/2021 04:16

Thank you so much everyone. You have really helped me calm down. I'm going to try and get some sleep now, I've left a light on so it's not so scary.

He was just a beautiful, good, loving man. He tried so hard to do the right thing and be kind and make people happy. I don't think I'll ever meet anyone else like him. But I am so lucky I got to have him.

OP posts:

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