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Original poster

Partner made racist joke

29 replies

Bluepotato · 22/02/2021 23:09

I’m mixed race (half Asian) and my partner comes home from work and told me about a ‘joke’ he made. His work colleagues were asking about what sort of food we do at bbqs and he had joked to them saying the usual except for when my mum comes over joking that she might pick up and cook the cat (because the stereotype of asians eat cat) I feel so little right now ... I have no one to talk to about this ... I’d be too embarrassed because I’m with someone like this ... he’s ignored me despite me being in tears him saying it’s just a joke. It’s not funny. I’m sick of this I don’t even know anymore. I’ve had people joke about me eating weird food at my previous work because of my race.. he tries to justify it by saying other people make jokes like that too. I just need someone to talk to about this I feel awful right now and completely disrespected 😢

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CattyCactus · 22/02/2021 23:15

Well it’s not funny and his justification is shit. If someone at work jumped out of the window, would he do it too?
I think what makes it worse is he said it, and then told you. What on earth was he hoping to achieve?
Or does he do stuff like this often?
I’d find it very hard to stay with someone who made racist comments like that (I’m not going to use the ‘j’ word, cos it was not funny). But ultimately, what do you want to do?

VladmirsPoutine · 22/02/2021 23:18

I'm mixed too and have to suffer a lot of this sort of shit in my life. But at work I took their assess straight to HR and in relationships I left. The world is racist enough as it is without having to tolerate it from someone supposed to love and cherish you. It's not 'just a joke.' It never is.

LunaHeather · 22/02/2021 23:20

I would just leave, honestly.

When dating, I even used to steer clear of men who used labels they thought were compliments eg exotic.

Original poster
Bluepotato · 22/02/2021 23:21

@CattyCactus thank you for responding. He normally doesn’t make jokes like this. I want him to realise that it was wrong to say it and how incredibly offensive and horrible it is as well as to never say anything like that again. He denies it’s racist saying it’s just a joke and other people make jokes like that but it’s no excuse. Won’t listen to me and I feel really small right now. I normally only get racist from strangers but this is coming from someone who is supposed to be my partner

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Original poster
Bluepotato · 22/02/2021 23:22

We have two children together both young :( I expected better from him ...

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Original poster
Bluepotato · 22/02/2021 23:24

I’ve recently ended a friendship with someone due to a racist joke they made on Facebook ... I don’t get why some people can’t understand why it’s not funny

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CattyCactus · 22/02/2021 23:26

The fact he can’t see it’s racist, is persisting with the utterly tiresome ‘it’s just a joke’ comment (which as @VladmirsPoutine said, it never is) and is trotting out the ‘well, other people do it’ would all be too much for me I’m afraid.
Unfortunately I don’t think you’ll ever be able to get him to realise how offensive and ignorant he is.

alexdgr8 · 22/02/2021 23:26

leave.
don't stay with someone who is not capable of respecting you.
you have your own self-respect.
keep that in tact.
you don't need people like this in your life.
dont argue or discuss, just act.
and dont tell him you're doing it. just go.
or kick him out if he's in your place. maybe get some muscles round to enforce his departure.
allthe best OP.

CattyCactus · 22/02/2021 23:27

And if you’ve got children together, then he’s even more stupid.

Original poster
Bluepotato · 22/02/2021 23:31

I’m a little bit messed up right now. I get this from strangers every so often. Snide comments about my appearance and such. I really thought he was better than this l. I’m questioning it now. I feel so weak too. I had to give up my job last year (due to COVID) and am financially dependant.

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PickAChew · 22/02/2021 23:32

He sounds pretty vile. Just a joke? Up there with just banter as a cover for bullying.

His inability to accept that he was out of order, even when it is spelled out to him is quite concerning. I hope he doesn't pull this shit in front of your kids, when they are old enough to understand.

Original poster
Bluepotato · 22/02/2021 23:33

I’m in tears right now, it’s bought up all the memories of the times people have been racist to me in the past... I don’t know what to say to him

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LunaHeather · 22/02/2021 23:34

@Bluepotato

I’m a little bit messed up right now. I get this ** from strangers every so often. Snide comments about my appearance and such. I really thought he was better than this l. I’m questioning it now. I feel so weak too. I had to give up my job last year (due to COVID) and am financially dependant.
There will be a way out. I'm sure you will get good advice on here.
LunaHeather · 22/02/2021 23:36

@Bluepotato

I’m in tears right now, it’s bought up all the memories of the times people have been racist to me in the past... I don’t know what to say to him
Ideally "get out". He must have somewhere he can go? Fellow racist friends?!
Original poster
Bluepotato · 22/02/2021 23:36

Love my kids and I don’t want them thinking an attitude like that is normal either

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HalzTangz · 22/02/2021 23:44

My suggestion, if this remark is out of the blue, would be to write him a letter describing how it is racist and how it makes you feel. And just because others try and pass it off as a joke doesn't mean it is a joke. Also put in the letter you don't want to hear remarks like it again.
By writing a letter you are getting your point across with out the tears, shootings etc.
If he still persists it's a joke, then it is time to consider ending the relationship, you will get government help if you are in the UK so don't need to fret about being financially tied

Leafpile · 22/02/2021 23:46

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He sounds not only racist and stupid as fuck, but also completely uncaring about his own family. How would he react if someone else was racist towards your children?

Sbk28 · 22/02/2021 23:47

Does he know how upset you are?

The initial joke is a problem but his reaction to you pulling him up on it is a much bigger one. And if he knows you're in tears but stilk won't back down, that's awful.

Give yourself and him time. I really hope he comes to you to apologise and accept that he was at fault. Doesn't mean you have to accept it, but would likely mean he's learnt from it and he does respect you.

RubyFakeLips · 22/02/2021 23:48

Is this regular in your relationship?

If not, I think you need to separate this from your experiences of past racism. You may not currently be able to, as you find those, understandably to painful.

However, if this is not usual between you too, I think you’re overreacting. I say this as someone who is married to someone of a different race, Nd neither of us are white British people, both of us have frequent experiences of some really nasty racism. I’ve had death threats, it’s not something I take lightly.

However, In our relationship we make jokes that reference stereotypes of the other’s race. Neither of us find this offensive or upsetting. I don’t feel my husband defines me by my race, does yours?

If he is actually racist, why did you marry and have children with him? Or is he insensitive to you and made one bad joke? Speak to him, write to him, when your calmer and able to explain your feelings. Maybe your incompatible but if that’s due to his racism, surely it would have come to light earlier.

Original poster
Bluepotato · 22/02/2021 23:48

@HalzTangz The letter sounds like a good idea. Even if just to write down my own thoughts and feelings. Thank you for the advice

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Sbk28 · 22/02/2021 23:49

@HalzTangz

My suggestion, if this remark is out of the blue, would be to write him a letter describing how it is racist and how it makes you feel. And just because others try and pass it off as a joke doesn't mean it is a joke. Also put in the letter you don't want to hear remarks like it again. By writing a letter you are getting your point across with out the tears, shootings etc. If he still persists it's a joke, then it is time to consider ending the relationship, you will get government help if you are in the UK so don't need to fret about being financially tied
I think this is really good advice.

You can write a letter now, and then maybe rewrite when you're calmer if you think it needs refining. It might also help with your emotions right now too. I always find writing things down helps me.

Original poster
Bluepotato · 22/02/2021 23:53

@RubyFakeLips He never would say something like this normally so it is out of the blue. I’m not happy with it and it stings even more due to the fact that someone at my work used to (in nasty way) make fun of me and say things like I eat cat/dog and it just immediately bought back that memory and then many others and it just hurts.

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KILNAMATRA · 22/02/2021 23:56

We all say the wrong thing from time to time and we all have some degree of prejudice, whether we realise it or not. Is it right? No, but when I’m on the receiving end I try and think it’s ignorance not malice, and there have been times when I too have said inappropriate crap.. and he’s not to blame for those other idiots!! Hope you find peace..wars have started for less!

Original poster
Bluepotato · 22/02/2021 23:58

I’m going to write down my thoughts and feelings in a letter like a previous poster suggested. I feel like a pot that’s going to boil over so it will probably help.

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RubyFakeLips · 23/02/2021 00:00

I think you should make that point to him. Sounds like writing may suit you.

I really don’t think it’s unusual within mixed race couples for race to be a far less taboo subject than in the wider world. Surprised this is the first time it’s come up.

I expect he is being defensive as feels he isn’t a racist. Which I think is probably true. Make clear this is extra sensitive for you and very upsetting, I would just keep saying he is a racist. Doesn’t really solve the issue.. If your relationship is otherwise good hopefully he can see your point of view. Make a joke about something he’s sensitive over if you need context!