Partner made racist joke

[Bluepotato]

I’m mixed race (half Asian) and my partner comes home from work and told me about a ‘joke’ he made. His work colleagues were asking about what sort of food we do at bbqs and he had joked to them saying the usual except for when my mum comes over joking that she might pick up and cook the cat (because the stereotype of asians eat cat) I feel so little right now ... I have no one to talk to about this ... I’d be too embarrassed because I’m with someone like this ... he’s ignored me despite me being in tears him saying it’s just a joke. It’s not funny. I’m sick of this I don’t even know anymore. I’ve had people joke about me eating weird food at my previous work because of my race.. he tries to justify it by saying other people make jokes like that too. I just need someone to talk to about this I feel awful right now and completely disrespected 😢

This is MN where people will fortunately back you 100% that what he said is racist. However as a fellow Asian I have heard many a joke about domestic pets as food in the past. This sort of racism is generally not taken as seriously unfortunately.

Am Asian and my partner has made racist jokes towards me before when COVID started he joked tht I eat bats when am a vegetarian !! It's shocking how people just think it's ok

@Bluepotato I am so sorry your partner made this 'joke', how totally shitty. My mind boggles at how he can't see the blatant racism, let alone the disrespect for your Mum. I know 'MIL' bashing is infamous but neither my DH nor I would ever think to be so rude and disloyal in front of strangers. He is talking about part of his own children's heritage, does he not get that?

I agree that you need to write a letter and - most importantly - take a photo or make a copy of it and keep it safe. If his nasty behaviour continues in the future and you need to separate, this might be important.

I would definitely use this as an opportunity to reflect on whether this relationship will last, especially if these shitty comments or other behaviour continues. Do you have your own savings etc?

I now live in a SE Asian country, and the rise of anti-Asian nastiness back in the UK appalls me.

@Bluepotato

I’m in tears right now, it’s bought up all the memories of the times people have been racist to me in the past... I don’t know what to say to him

That's the point. When people experience racism over a lifetime, there is an emotional toil on the person. Research shows that there is also a cellular effect (cells show evidence of stress). How your cells respond to stress is also genetic, and as such generations of people of colour have "exhausted" cells from all the historical racism that they have to experience day by day by day by day. These memories that you have, and every other person who has experienced racism whether passive or directly, have an effect on your mental strength and mental health.

Then tonnes of people who have NEVER experienced it say that it is all in your head and you are making it bigger than it is.

I identify with your pain OP, and am sorry. It's all good and well everyone saying "leave him", but then you fall into the stereotype & statistics of having dual heritage children brought up in a single parent household. Which, again as the statistics show, can be one of the biggest influencers of stability and prosperity later on. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.