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Original poster

How long should I wait to introduce a new partner to my child?

62 replies

Hann81 · 19/02/2021 23:40

So how long should you date before officially introducing a new partner to your child? I've met my partner's son, and my partner has met mine (both 7) but they aren't aware that we are romantically involved. We spend short periods of time together (couple of hours) once, maybe twice a week at the moment.

OP posts:
Trickyboy · 19/02/2021 23:57

This is MN So the answer is NEVER you selfish selfish person. Or at the very least not until they have left home and you have gained their written permission...

Back in planet Earth wanted to see how my OH behaved around children and how. (If at all ) he coped with putting their needs first. Not much point in investing time in an unreal relationship as I was not footloose and fancy free... so introduced him at 8 weeks. No sleepovers though. And not at house fit six months just meet ups.. introduced our kids to each other at 5 months.
Married after 3 years. 18 years ago.. they are all nearly buggered off now.. but keep coming back so must have done something right !

PickAChew · 20/02/2021 00:02

Wait until your relationship feels long term then introduce as a friend, at first. Ted and I aren't friends anymore is easier for a child to digest than this guy you see as a dad substitute is now out of your life.

Crankley · 20/02/2021 00:03

From what I have read on here over the years, a minimum of six months seems to be the most common wait.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating Families General relationships
evenBetter · 20/02/2021 00:04

How long has it been since the child’s father and you broke up?
How long have you and the new boyfriend been dating?
What benefits will there be to the kid to having your boyfriend in his life?
(Just obvious questions to ask yourselves, not to answer here.)

Original poster
Hann81 · 20/02/2021 00:06

My ex husband and I split almost 5 and a half years ago. I've been single ever since. We've been dating 3 months now and seeing each other twice a week on average with several calls and plenty of conjunctions a day in-between.

OP posts:
Sendingasurprise · 20/02/2021 00:10

I would wait two years, really make sure it is likely to last.

snackarella · 20/02/2021 00:14

@Sendingasurprise

I would wait two years, really make sure it is likely to last.
Haaaaaaaaaaa jokes. 2 years?????
Oldat40 · 20/02/2021 00:43

I agree with @Trickyboy.

It is in bad taste to have any sort of new relationship if you already have a child or children, you should try to remain single (and most definitely celibate) forever. Apparently. Best interests and all of that. Ahem.

I don't know where my boys' half sister came from seven years after my divorce but I guess I should mention it to my fiancê Grin

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2021 00:47

@Sendingasurprise

I would wait two years, really make sure it is likely to last.
Why though?

Parents are allowed friends of the opposite sex and if that's what people introduce their new partners as, the child is hardly likely to turn a hair if they don't see the 'friend' again if the relationship breaks down.

Friends move house/areas all the time.

evenBetter · 20/02/2021 00:52

You’ve been dating for a matter of hours, then. Forget the idea of introducing this brand new man to your child for quite some time, obv.

evenBetter · 20/02/2021 00:53

(You’ve met, in person, about 25 times. Come on, are you taking the piss?)

Original poster
Hann81 · 20/02/2021 00:57

I wasn't suggesting I introduce my son to him yet. My question was how long shold i wait to introduce him? I've never done this before so don't know what is best. Why are some people so judgey??

OP posts:
Original poster
Hann81 · 20/02/2021 01:00

To clarify - we spend short periods of time together with each others children once or twice a week. He and I then spend two evenings a week together and alternate weekends.

OP posts:
Emerald4512 · 20/02/2021 01:01

I was in a similar situation a year ago and waited about a month. Imagine if you waited for a long period and then they didn't get on etc?

GBand · 20/02/2021 01:03

10 years ago I waited about 5 minutes. It worked out ok for us. Then I joined MN and realised it was a terrible mistake and I was an unfit mother.

Seriously though. Have a think about long term plans and trust your gut. Good luck.

Original poster
Hann81 · 20/02/2021 01:04

Thank you Emerald. This is why we've decided to spend time together with each other's kids as friends. Our children get on brilliantly. My son likes him, and his son likes me. Neither of us want to rush things. We want to be considerate of the children, but having never done this before I just wondered how long most people wait under such circumstances.

OP posts:
GBand · 20/02/2021 01:04

Sorry just to confirm we are married!

AnaisNun · 20/02/2021 01:10

Single mum here.

Can’t imagine introducing DS to anyone I wasn’t thinking would be sticking around permanently- so probably a couple of years?

I grew up in a house with a revolving door of “stepdads” - many of whom were abusive, others of which were just boorish, loutish, tossers.

One stands out as nice, but my DM came on far too strong (I remember this even as a teenager!) and it ended quickly.

Anyway- I won’t be making the mistakes my DM did with me, with my son.

NotMyPremium · 20/02/2021 01:54

Like pps have said, MN has some very odd, skewed views on this.

Personally I don't see the point in investing years in someone and making things difficult to end if you introduce so late and find out he hates your kids etc or they really don't take to him.

I waited 8 months and it wasn't a huge amount of time after splitting from their dad. Imo, the longer they get used to you being single and having you all to themselves, the tougher they will find it to 'share' you with a new partner.

evenBetter · 21/02/2021 00:29

Rude, op. I am rightfully ‘judgey’ due to being introduced to various males my (shit) mother was fucking. HTH

Fiddlersgreen · 21/02/2021 01:07

I think the fact the OP is asking on here already makes her a better mother than some mentioned on this thread.

I waited 3 months then introduced him as my friend. He had no kids of his own. Around 3 months after that I casually mentioned him as my boyfriend. My kids were fine with that.
You’ll know how best to broach that when the time comes.

We are now 10 years down the line and been married 4 years.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 21/02/2021 02:02

I totally disagree with the whole "introduce them as friends first". Children aren't stupid and that would just confuse and upset them.

Re the timescales, everyone is different but if you're having a wobble over it then it's too soon. Is there a real need for them to be introduced?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 21/02/2021 02:05

My mum also introduced us to and moved in new stepdads really quick. One sexually abused me. So maybe I'm projecting, I dunno. single mum also, no interest in meeting a new man but if I did I'd see no need to ever really introduce him to my kids. They're at their dad's EOW, and (in non COVID times) have regular sleepovers with their granny and aunty. so I would use that time to spend time with a boyfriend

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 21/02/2021 02:06

But youve already introduced them? They're already spending time together twice a week.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 21/02/2021 02:09

I really don't mean to piss on anyone's parade but I think introducing children to a new partner and deciding "the kids love them/me"....lease so try to look a little deeper before you decide that. Most children love their parents, want them to be happy and are good at masking feelings. It's rarely a fairytale process and please don't think that you are any different. I'm not saying they aren't all unhappy with the new set up. Just don't rely on taking it at face value