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Original poster

How long should I wait to introduce a new partner to my child?

62 replies

Hann81 · 19/02/2021 23:40

So how long should you date before officially introducing a new partner to your child? I've met my partner's son, and my partner has met mine (both 7) but they aren't aware that we are romantically involved. We spend short periods of time together (couple of hours) once, maybe twice a week at the moment.

OP posts:
Lbnc2021 · 21/02/2021 17:40

Well I’m biased but I would say not until they have left home. My exh introduced our children to the ow before We’d even left the family home. One look at the stepparent board on here confirms I will never let a man encroach on my children’s place of security and make them play happy families with someone else’s kids. I can date and have male company without dragging my children into it.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 21/02/2021 17:51

I agree @Lbnc2021

Why do people have to introduce their kids to their new partner?

Slavetothenhs · 21/02/2021 18:31

Bloody hell! I'd moved mine in and was engaged after 4 months - DD was 6 at the time - shoot me for that if you like but we are very much looking forward to celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary this year. There isn't a set time scale whatsoever OP so do whatever you feel is right for you.

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Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/02/2021 18:32

@Slavetothenhs

Bloody hell! I'd moved mine in and was engaged after 4 months - DD was 6 at the time - shoot me for that if you like but we are very much looking forward to celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary this year. There isn't a set time scale whatsoever OP so do whatever you feel is right for you.
It shouldn't be about what's right for you though, it should be about what's right for your children too.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/02/2021 18:33

And there's no way it's right for any child to have a man move in after 4 months. Sorry, but parents who do this are only thinking about themselves.

Ermintrude74 · 21/02/2021 18:38

@LST

Where do people on mumsnet keep all their high horses?
Mine's in the cupboard marked "experience" Wink
Slavetothenhs · 21/02/2021 18:39

I can understand your point of view - but you don't know me, you don't know my husband, and you don't know my children. My husband stepped into the role that my DDs dad had abdicated responsibility from, and did a very good job at that. DD is grown up now and on the whole they have a very good relationship and she says it has done her good to have grown up in such a stable happy household. Which, by the way, was never the example that I was set as a child.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/02/2021 18:44

I think the point is though you don't know that it will work out like that. As I said, I'm probably biased as I had a negative experience with my own stepdad and I wouldn't ever want my own DS to go through what I did. I think a lot of children probably stay quiet about their true feelings - as I did - so as not to upset their parent.

Slavetothenhs · 21/02/2021 18:57

No you don't know, literally nobody knows anything about what will happen in the future though do they. Generally I'm quite calculated about life, things are carefully planned, thought out, considered. Maybe my story isn't quite in the spirit of this thread as the OP is already being far more cautious than I was, but what I'm trying to say is that introducing a man into your family at an earlier point, is not always a bad thing, and it is an entirely personal choice.

SimonJT · 21/02/2021 20:35

It depends entirely on the child.

My son met my partner after six months, I didn’t see the point in waiting for a year to discover that they didn’t get on.

I kept the first few meetings short and in areas focused on things my son enjoys, so the first one was a visit to a petting zoo. That meant my son was adequately distracted and there wasn’t pressure for him to interact with my partner at all. They had met a few times before he came to our flat and again didn’t stay for very long.

We then moved to him coming round on a certain day after work as my son likes a regular routine, then it became two days (but not consecutive) and then overnights.

They live together now and get on well, but as they met when my son was four that does make it a lot easier. With an older child the process would have most likely been longer.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 21/02/2021 21:12

It shouldn't be about what's right for you though, it should be about what's right for your children too

This.

I'm pleased that for many people it works out well but it is irresponsible as fuck to move a man you barely know in with your little girl.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 21/02/2021 21:17

@Waxonwaxoff0

I think the point is though you don't know that it will work out like that. As I said, I'm probably biased as I had a negative experience with my own stepdad and I wouldn't ever want my own DS to go through what I did. I think a lot of children probably stay quiet about their true feelings - as I did - so as not to upset their parent.
Indeed. I'm sure my mum would have said "It was fine for us and had worked out well" about the man who she moved in after 5 months who sexually abused me.

Again not saying all stepdads sexually abuse children, of course, but I think it's a red flag in itself that any man wants to move in so quickly with a woman he barely knows who has young daughter. And women absolutely need to take more care before they think their love is so powerful and pure they can't possibly do anything except move their new boyfriend in immediately.

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