Pls tell me where I'm going wrong with housework?

[NextSlidePleaseWhitty]

Please help me...I genuinely don't know if I'm awful at housekeeping or if I'm being too hard on myself.

I'm a first time mum to a 7 mo baby and on maternity leave. DH has been wfh since last March and we live in a small flat.

DH and I share many chores, but he has lower standards than me about overall cleanliness and tidiness, such as when to change sheets and so on. He's good at doing laundry, bins, recycling, washing up etc without prompting, but doesn't seem to notice clutter, dust, sticky surfaces, dirty floors and stuff like that, or doesn't care about it. Whereas I really notice and I hate it!

Since being heavily pregnant and subsequent baby I have struggled to get all the housework and cleaning done to anything like the level I used to. I do stuff with baby in tow during the day, but I only just about manage to keep on top of the day-today stuff like packing dishwasher, baby's laundry, sterilising bottles, baby's meals and washing up etc. Any other things like cleaning the bathroom or mopping the floors just gets left. I don't seem to find the time. At night when baby sleeps I'm exhausted and though I say to myself I'll tackle jobs then, when the time comes I just want my dinner, glass of wine and Netflix!

DH works really long hours into the evening but pops out of his wfh office to do bins, laundry etc. Still I'm looking around feeling overwhelmed by it all! There's crumbs and spillages all over the kitchen, the floor needs hoovering and mopping, toys everywhere, papers and clutter where it doesn't live, there's a massive pile of clean laundry to put away, and the bedsheets need changing, plus bathroom needs a good long clean. And don't get me started on more broader jobs like gardening, organising and tidying up paperwork or DIY. I think that will have till the next millennium.

How do people do it? After lockdown I'm genuinely thinking of getting a cleaner. Does this make me inept?! I'm a very organised person normally so this is stressful! Is this normal or are we doing this all wrong?!

I’m firmly in the lower your standards camp. And if you can afford a cleaner, don’t think twice about getting one. Pay a little extra too; it’s a much harder job than cleaning for a tidy bachelor, and if your cleaner gets booked up, the more difficult houses will get dropped off her books.

Be clear on what needs doing daily (life threatening stuff - meals/bottles/bins/load of laundry), what needs doing occasionally (floors/bathrooms) and what can wait or be outsourced (ovens/windows).

If it takes longer than 5 minutes to tidy a room theres something wrong with the room and it’s usually too much stuff. You might not have the energy to declutter at this point but don’t make a hard time harder thinking that there’s something wrong with you.

We are renovating and extending and have moved out into a small rented house and it takes half an hour to tidy and clean - mine takes a professional cleaner 4 hours, and me longer than that. I used to feel inadequate reading about MNetters who had no trouble keeping on top of everything while breastfeeding triplets and rescuing street children, but now I’m inclined to wonder what kind of house they’re talking about.

I think that if you have a dh who does particular jobs independently leave him to it and do things that bother you more, rather than trying to force him to notice and care. Obviously I wouldn’t suggest that when dh is a lazy git. I’ve found it works better for each of us to take complete responsibility for a task - eg I shop, meal plan, cook, do lunches, and do all the thinking about that. He does cars, insurance, servicing, oil changes, tax, tyres etc. I’ve been sneered at because it’s “gendered” but it works for us. I’m vocal about what I do, because there’s a lot of stuff he just didn’t see, and vice versa.

[quote NextSlidePleaseWhitty]@Thatwentbadly what's the TOMM method in a nutshell please? I googled but it's trying to flog me a book to find out. [/quote]
It all available for free on her website. Let me find the links...

Organised Mum
Level 1 jobs to do daily Mon to Fri, encouraged to them every day at the weekend. Load of washing, washed dried folded and put away (don’t bother with ironing), dishwasher done and emptied, quick hoover of the middle of high traffic room eg kitchen or livingroom. Should take 15 min Max apparently.

Level 2 jobs - a room each day, this is to be done for a max of 30 mins, never do more. Can be divided into smaller chunks. You don’t need to do everything on the list every week.

Friday focus - one room on rotation per week for a deeper clean. Again Max of 30 mins.

At the moment with a toddler and home schooling I’m not doing the Friday focus as I just can’t fit it in.

Multitasking.

Bathing baby? Clean the bathroom whilst they play (age permitting of course)

Making a cup of tea? Put the clean pots away and sort the dirty ready for washing whilst the kettle boils. Fill the washing machine and put it on whilst the tea mashes.

Wipe the sides and tidy up before eating lunch

Fold laundry into drawers not into piles

Ect ect.

Though I have had to really lower my standards overall to keep my own sanity!

If it makes you feel better it's been about 2 months since I mopped the kitchen floor. I've swept and spot cleaned spills but it's way overdue a proper clean.

The bins haven't been cleaned out properly for about the same amount of time.

Our bed hasn't been changed for 3 weeks because we have all had colds and I'm waiting for all the snot to stop before I wash them.

I got on top of the laundry last week as a priority but I haven't put a wash on since Sunday and it's building up again.

The top of the cooker looks like something died on it. (don't even imagine the inside 😂)

With everyone at home it is apparently fair game where stuff lives now. Nothing has a home. Particularly dirty clothes and empty food packets.

Your not alone no matter what some people might say on here.

@Thatwentbadly thank you for pasting that, it's very kind. I'm going to look into this and download the podcast to listen to on our walks.

@Nancylovesthecock thank you, you've made me feel much better!

Everyone else - thanks for the insights into your household routines :-)

OP I'm also on maternity leave and my DH wfh. Although he does mostly do bath time he often goes back to work afterwards. I like a tidy and clean home and I knew when my DC arrived I wouldn't be able to maintain the standard I like so we have a cleaner. She comes every fortnight and it really helps as she does odd jobs that I never get around to in the average week (like sometimes cleaning the ceiling lights or the base of the bar stools in the kitchen). I keep on top of the laundry and dishwasher each day and clean the bathroom and kitchen properly weekly. My DC doesn't nap consistently but if I put her in the bouncer she's happy watching me tidy for a bit. At the weekend my DH helps by either looking after DC or tidying up with me.
Recently my mum has taken my DC out for a walk in the pushchair (as a childcare bubble) so I can have some time to clean or have a cup of tea. Would this be possible for you? Do you have family nearby that could take your DC for a walk to give you some time to yourself?

My house is mostly tidy and clean (I have a cleaner once a fortnight) but I am a clean/ neat freak. 3 young children. Just my personality type. Can't abide clutter. Always clearing stuff out.

I am constantly tidying although I do let the children make a mess and get them to help me put it away at the end of each day.

A good tip is to choose something small to do each day (on top of general keeping on top of things). So one day, clean the sink, the next, organise a drawer or cupboard. Etc etc. Small manageable tasks. I think TOMM is similar.

And do not feel ANY guilt about outsourcing to a cleaner.

It is hard to keep on top of things when children are small! I have high standards and no longer have a small child.

I'm sure you will get into a routine!

That rota says to shampoo rugs and flip mattresses! Do people really do that on a regular basis?
I would keep it really simple Op , hoover, clean kitchen and bathroom, tidy up , washing and occasional dusting.

That rota says to shampoo rugs and flip mattresses! Do people really do that on a regular basis?

It’s part of the Friday Focus so it will only come
round once every eight weeks. The ethos is also very much about doing what you can from the list in 30mins and then not sweating what you don’t get done (because it will come back round again and you can do it then). Eg you cleaned that stained rug but didn’t flip the mattress? No worries, the rug is done now so next time leave it and flip the mattress instead (or whatever else you think is more important from that list).

A little bit each time helps keep on top of every room.

Surprised by people having cleaners during Covid. We've not had anyone in our home for a year abs I didn't think it was allowed unless essential. But yes, as soon as we can then I'll be doing it!

It has always been the case that if you can't work from home, you can go to work, even if your work is in other people's homes, perhaps except the first lockdown last March to May unless your work is of the type that has been specifically outlawed, eg close contact personal services like hair and nails.

Apart from Boris Johnson's mangling of the rules during the first lockdown announcement, it has never been said that you can only work if your work is essential.

Work and social visits are considered separately. However, when cleaners come, you should act in a 'covid safe' manner, so even if you are best friends with your cleaner and normally chat and even weep with gratitude every time they arrive hug and kiss hello and goodbye, you must not do this, and maintain a more professional distance during interactions or even go as far as going out, opening windows, wearing masks etc.

The latter being up to your cleaner as reasonable requests, depending on their personal risk assessment - and possibly if they are employed by an agency, there may be formal risk assessments in place that require this.

Sweet lord, I've never flipped a mattress in my whole life!
Why does it need doing?
My house looks very clean on surface but don't look closely at my skirting boards/behind cupboards etc!
I got a shock yesterday at state of sofas under the cushion seats - crumb cental! I only saw it because DD lost her favourite pen down one, otherwise it would never occur to me to include under sofa seats as part of a regular clean.

My DD is 6 now but I remember clearly when I was on maternity leave with her there were days all I achieved was loading and unloading the dishwasher, and I couldn't understand myself why! Don't be so hard on yourself.

@moomin11

My DD is 6 now but I remember clearly when I was on maternity leave with her there were days all I achieved was loading and unloading the dishwasher, and I couldn't understand myself why! Don't be so hard on yourself.

Where you spend half the day standing in the kitchen wondering what you went in there to get... I don't miss having very small children. The sleep deprivation was horrific.

Have a chat to your DH. Tell him the state of the place is getting you down. Nobody's fault, it's a consequence of three people hardly ever leaving the house. It won't get better as the baby starts to move more and you find more sticky bits around.

Figure out a routine that works for you both but prioritise some fresh air and time alone for yourself. Don't send him out the door while you scrub the floor. It's not a good precedent even if it feels refreshing to have some time to yourself.

I personally would give those lists a big swerve , it’ll just make you realise that some people do actually flip mattresses , clean cutlery drawers and shampoo rugs on a regular basis and make you feel even worse because it’s just adding to the jobs you think you should be doing.

There are people who run small businesses cleaning rugs etc. I like to keep them employed. 😉
Who the hell has ever shampooed a rug in 30 mins without all the professional kit?

Robot hoover, cleaner fortnightly, separate bedrooms so I don’t care how long DP leaves his sheets - I won’t visit his bedroom if they’re left too long!
Other than that, embrace the mess a bit as long as it’s not dirty. 10 minute blitz tidy up each day.

I'm naturally disorganised so made my own TOMM method to fit around my own schedule. I made a timetable and try to do at least two rooms a day, really focus on cleaning and organising those rooms, cleaning the floors etc. kitchen surfaces I wipe down after every use, bathroom toilets and sinks wiped every day, Method shower spray is great as you can spray and leave it on the other days. Laundry is easier now - I empty everyone's baskets into the laundry room every morning and do two loads through the morning, fold it and put it away. I change all the beds over two days (Wed and Sat) and not the same day as bathroom day when towels are washed so I don't get a sudden mountain of laundry. Shopping is always delivered at the same day and time each week, the day after cleaning the kitchen so the fridge has had been decluttered and cleaned and I've done the next week's meal plan. I have been so much more organised since doing this, and my husband can also see what needs doing and just get on with it too.

@AlwaysLatte your structure sounds amazing!! That's exactly what I need! My shopping arrives as and when I can get a slot! I'd love to see your schedule... 🤓👀

We got a cleaner in the end as I was so frustrated by never getting the house clean all in one go. We don't have her at the moment and I'm doing little bits every day or so but I've also lowered my standards, nobody is visiting so atleast it's just looking at the mess! It does get easier as the babies get older and they eat the same meals as you, no sterilising and tons of bottles to wash etc.

I'm with Tesco and you can book a month in advance. So I always book the next slot in a month as soon as the shopping is delivered (just check out with a bottle of wine or something then update nearer the time).

Here we are: pretty boring as all our activities aren't happening at the moment 😭
Disclaimer: I don't have a small baby!! So it's absolutely ok to eat chocolate and ignore the housework when you like

Best way is to do something for just 10 mins.
Mop for 10 minutes - don't worry if it's not all done to perfection. The main areas are clean and the room smells better. Same with hoovering - do the areas that are most visible. Give taps and mirrors a polish when you clean your teeth in the morning and wipe the basin when you do them at night.

I used to have clutter baskets. Not ideal but each family member had a basket and their stuff was dumped in it then they had to sort it out once a week. It stops surfaces from getting so cluttered, making them easier to wipe.