On the edge with my 2 year old. I need someone to tell me it gets better.

[Losingtheplot2021]

2.5 year old DD. Used to spend 2 days a week with grandparents, 2 days at nursery. I work 4 days.

Grandparents now out the picture due to COVID. So in theory she’s in nursery 4 days per week but it’s been closed 3 times due to COVID since Christmas. So that’s been stressful as me and DH both work.

Today has been a planned day off for me. Now obviously we can’t do much at the moment, and it’s pissing with rain.

Totally fed up of our house after 3x isolation periods this year, so I decided to go to the park for DD’s permitted exercise then buy lunch from a little cafe. Obviously we then had to eat in the car as it’s take away only at the moment and it’s pissing with rain. (Before anyone has a go at me for driving to the park trust me it’s necessary due to location).

DD is terrible with food & eating, snatched my food out my hands, refused to give it back, refused to “share with mummy” . This happens every meal, she’ll snatch other people’s food, grab at other people’s plates. If we ever have treats she wants everyone else’s too and has an insane meltdown when we say no.

We drove home with her screaming.

Thought we could make pancakes this afternoon as we didn’t yesterday, DD deliberately throws milk over the kitchen then shows zero interest in the pancake making. So it’s just me in the kitchen cleaning up a big mess while she moans/ throws a meltdown.

We have recently had a tree cut down and got some half circles of wood from it which I dried and I thought we could paint them like rainbows. Got all the paints out, DD paints nicely for a whole 1 minute then deliberately starts pairing the walls, so even more mess for me to clean up.

When I tell her off she laughs. Naughty step doesn’t work, she just sits there laughing.

I’m desperately trying to be a good mum and not just stick her in front of the telly. But it’s just miserable. Everything backfires. Nothing engages her. I spend my entire life cleaning up after her.

When will she do an activity that doesn’t involve trashing the house? When can I eat something without having it snatched from my hands, followed by a screaming fit when I explain that’s no ok behaviour? When will she focus on anything for longer than a minute? When will the biting, pulling hair, scratching me stop?

I am so utterly fed up. I’m actually tempted to up my days working to five and put her in nursery full time, but that is really really not what I want for her and it breaks my heart to think that way. I just want to enjoy my time with my little girl.

Obviously all her usual activities being cancelled due to COVID is not helping at all, but I can’t blame everything on COVID.

I need someone to tell me it gets better.

I could have written this myself about my 2.5 year old boy!!! Hoping the same thing - no advice as I don’t have any older kids but showing solidarity that it’s really hard! He’s just entered a really challenging phase which ends in me feeling like a total failure at the end of each day! Hoping for clearer skies soon!!

It's just the age. It passes.

Ages 5-12 are so wonderful.

Teenage is like your current situation but more verbals.

Then delightful again.

Hang on in.

Yes it gets better but with every stage there is a new issue!

I think at this age they don’t want activities in that sense. They can’t see it through and it’s more frustrating for both of you.
First of all, let her get a bit bored. It’s great for their imagination. Put out some toys and leave it on the floor. And place yourself on the floor. Offer to play with her, whatever it is she wants. Once you have played for a bit, withdraw and let her get on with it.

It does get better.

Day at a time. Pick your battles. All the usual (but so true!) cliches

Nothing wrong with TV if it means you both get to chill out for a bit.

Yes, ditch the ‘activities’ esp messy play whilst she’s in this phase. Too stressful.

Get some toys out, sit on the floor and just let her do her thing alongside you... Lego/duplo is the nice easy option

God, I remember wanting to strangle DD when she was 2 and 3 because she was so defiant and deliberately naughty!

Yes, this stage does pass so don’t fret.

How to cope? On non-work days I would aim to get DD out first thing in the morning and make sure she has plenty of exercise. Try to wear her out.

I’d also not plan too many things to do. Maybe 2 things and give her the choice of which she does/does first?

Lastly, just keep resetting the boundaries so no snatching, saying please etc.

It is OK to walk away at times and give yourself a breather as well.

I remember saying to my mum, it's like having a small demon employed 24/7 to sabotage every single thing you do. I agree with PP that 5-12 yrs are a joy. Not got to teens yet. 3 is easier, 4 is easier still. 5 onwards = joy.

You are in the eye of the storm in the midst of a pandemic. Don't be hard on yourself for needing a break. You are human. And you try so hard. for you. Just keep trying.

2 is such a horrific age. You have my full sympathy.

That sounds totally normal for a 2 year old! Eating lunch in the car and sharing food sounds a disaster waiting to happen. Also making pancakes! My 9yo only showed an interest in helping with that this year.

It does get better!!
I found the early years really, really tough. It must be super hard in lockdown.
But from about 5ish onwards they become interesting little people that you can chat to and reason with. I promise it will pass, hang in there.

I have a 2 and a half year old. I feel your pain, everything feels like a constant battle! I am just hanging on for the summer, and hoping everything seems easier with a bit of sunshine 🤞

I totally empathise! Agree with PP, it will eventually pass.

If she likes making a mess, set up deliberately messy play/blocks/Lego/in the bath with water toys. Don't bother with cooking/painting.

We did lots of wrestling/romping as we called it with DC, fun games of trying to catch them/hold them and they try to wriggle free. The contact and expending energy was good.

With food, maybe some meals give her hers and sit with her not eating, put one programme on TV after while you eat.

Reasoning, explaining, didn't work with mine at that age. But keep saying "do x not y" as practicing your boundaries as it will one day sink in.

I'd definitely skip any messy activities for now. Not all kids enjoy crafty things or cooking and she is still quite young.

On food, I assume you've tried all the usual things to get her to stop? I would maybe take a break and have her eat on her own for a few weeks, so there is nothing for her to grab. Take that time to reinforce good table behaviour, basically a 'reset'. Build up to the point she understands clearly how she should behave and what will happen if she doesn't, and then try eating together again. Take her away from the table at the first sign of grabbing.

This phase will pass but in the meantime try not to give her too many opportunities to make a mess and be a nightmare. And don't worry about TV watching, it's a temporary situation anyway.

Also make sure she is drinking and eating enough, has rest or downtime during the day, because it could just be that she's tired or hungry or dehydrated.

Thank you for being kind I thought you’d all tell me I’m a shit mum.

I think I’ve probably been trying too hard with “activities” to over-compensate for all her normal toddler activities being cancelled.

We normally do swimming and Rugby Tots which were both a big hit. Miss them lots. I have no friends locally and the only family nearby will no longer see us due to COVID so even though theoretically I could meet another adult for a walk outside I don’t have that option

She's 2.5, they aren't called the terrible 2s for nothing! Children do get easier - some quicker than others! Mine are 10 & 11 now and life is easy compared to that stage awaits teen years...

Experience tells me - paint - only ever do it outside. Preferably either in old clothes or just her knickers! Then, yay, time for a bath!

Don't attempt to cook with her until she's older. So pancake making - just show her the fun bit where you try to flip one. Then let her chose some toppings. Or show her how to make the toppings into a face shape. Make one yourself. Eat them together.

Food snatching -Make sure she clearly has 'her' plate/lunchbox/placemat and you have yours. Slightly further away if necessary.
If she tries to snatch say no this is mummy's/daddy's/the cat's and calmly take it back. Every single time.
This is a battle you need to win. If she has a tantrum ignore it. When she calms down a little, offer her a hug, then praise her for calming down.

Really if she's at nursery, let them crack on with crafts and cooking and messy stuff.

Just have quieter days the two of you. So maybe playground, lunch, story or dancing or nursery rhymes, dress up play, or playing with her toys. If she naps factor that in. You don't have to keep the TV off all the time. Sometimes you just need a break!
Hope it gets better OP, some days are a slog.

This thread is sending me a bit of strength too thanks! I think I’ve been over compensating and trying to hard on the ‘activities’ which really doesn’t always work!!

Massively, massively lower your expectations. Don't bother with cafes at all, waste of time, money, effort. And they're too young for structured activities.

What I'd do :

Buy her a magnifying glass, kids that age love it.
Buy some balloons, great for negotiation, kids love balloons
Bucket, spade, garden
Go for a walk, find a stick

It's not the destination, but the journey op!

#wine

Just forget the arty crafty cooking activities. You will find it us suddenly much easier to do those when they’re quite a bit older.
Music, dancing can be good. I used to have a kids doodle app that my little one liked for drawing ( if you have a device that isn’t your phone)
Look at the toys you have, what does she like, can you find something new of a similar ilk. Schedule screen time after you’ve done something together so that you can sit and stare at a wall(or Mumsnet).
Pocoyo is really good for that age group.
Get out of the house ASAP after breakfast to burn off some energy.
You’ll be fine ! It’s hard!

It does pass. I spent a lot of this stage having a time out in the bathroom myself. Because time outs seem to have no effect at that age lol.

I had 2 year old and 3 year old and was losing the plot once. The bathroom wasn't cutting it as they'd started banging on the door. So I stormed out of the house saying "(in a sweet voice)I just need a few seconds (door closes)... fuck my life arghhh!" I lift my head up and my neighbours are just staring at me lol. I was just standing at the door BTW, I didn't run from my children, as tempting as it was.

Take extra time at work if it helps you stay sane.

I have an almost 3.5 year old and this stage has passed now. He will do activities as he understands more what the purpose is.

I have to say though that 1-3 is my favourite stage of all. My DSs are both older now and I really miss the toddler stage.

Very normal for a 2yo and you're not doing anything wrong! :)

I would say those activities sound a bit advanced for a 2yo. Anything with a set end goal is going to end in tears at this age. Those things are better from more like age 4. At 2, it's all about process rather than reaults. That's kind of my mantra for this age, "process not results"! The best things that my 2yo likes doing at the moment are more experimenting kinds of things so for example:

Playing with rice in a container (do this on a big old towel, but expect to have to hoover afterwards)
Playing with marbles in a marble run
Building mega blocks
Putting things in and out of other things - old egg box is good for this, stacking cups, different sized toys/boxes
Playing with a rescue blanket from a first aid kit (can get on amazon)
Toy cars/trains and various different items or landscapes or obstables to drive them over - not sure if toy car obsession is a boy thing, as my friends with girls suggest so. Toy animals can work in a similar way.
Push along truck/doll's pushchair/ride on toy to go from room to room - carnage but what can you do when everything is closed?
And TV. Because you can also watch TV, we tend to have wall to wall nursery rhymes at the moment which he likes to try and do the actions and sing. But we have our fair share of Pocoyo and Blippi as well.
Active stuff is more DH's domain but he does lots of throwing him onto beds and making obstacle courses.

Painting was a definite no and have not even attempted cooking yet! But this is DC2 - it's easier to have an idea of what kinds of activities work when you've been there before. We do colouring (random scribbling) and sometimes a brief cut and stick exercise - I cut things out in advance and put in a little pot and he asks me for the things he wants, I glue them and he sticks them, normally all in a pile on top of each other, that's OK - it's the process, not the result at 2.

We have a lovely toddler support thread running somewhere that I've forgotten! You could join that as there are some great low-effort, easy win activities on there. I will go off and find a link.

For boundaries what I've found the most effective is simply being calm and consistent. The more you get stern or try consequences like naughty step etc the more they will do it to get a reaction out of you - it's all still process not results! And I'd focus on prevention or redirection rather than trying to stop her, it just tends to suit their attention spans better at this age. So for example, for mealtimes would it help to use a highchair? So she can't reach your food. Or feed her separately. If she's snatching and misbehaving she might be too hungry as well (possibly exacerbated if she's distracted from eating much by this behaviour) so you could try having the mealtime earlier or adding an extra snack in between. Janet Lansbury is great for toddler discipline, she has a free podcast/articles.

DS2 is 2.5 and he has just got much more verbal which helps a lot.

Here is the lovely toddler support thread!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4105179-trapped-toddler-parents-of-the-fabled-winter-2020-2021-puddle-suits-at-the-ready-hello-christmas?msgid=104724421

Ah, I've found my people 😁