is life really better with a man?

[pinadelilah]

I am mid twenties and have a wonderful partner and we live apart.

We were living together for three years but life is so much better when I have my own space.

I found sharing a living space with my partner to be fine we didn't argue but we were both always compromising. He is very kind and adapts alot to my wishes and me to his. I have reasons why my life is so much better having your own apartment

1. If we wanted to go to bed a different times some nights one would wake the other up. Having your own room means quality sleep
2. Constant compromising on the bathroom when you're in a relationship with one bathroom
3. Becuase he was always there my social needs were fulfilled and didn't arrange socializing events as much which stagnated my life
4. Very easy to adopt their bad habits. Instead of reading we would end up watching Netflix together
5. Compromising on all areas of life. What you want to eat, do at the weekend etc. Him having his friend I didn't like around for a weekend, me playing my music he doesn't like aloud.

My life is liberated and my relationship flourished since moving out. I really don't like arguing so I just got on with things, but it has amazed me how free I feel now.

I can't imagine having a child with a man. What if I want to move to France and he doesn't want to?

Up until last month I wanted marriage and kids but being in a relationship and marriage are very restrictive. Why should we all have to compromise so much?

I csn see what you mean OP. I lived alone in my 20s too and I enjoyed it. I am married with two children now and I definitely do miss aspects of my old life.

For me, I knew I wanted children and a family life and when I met a man who made my life better and shared my goals, then I felt happy to move on to the next stage.

If children are not on your agenda though, I don't think it is crazy to resist living together if it suits you both. I also think that some of your comments suggest that you don't see this partner as necessarily permanent, so it seems sensible.

If being in a relationship or a marriage is restrictive to you, then you have chosen the wrong partner.

@SuperbGorgonzola having just one child is on my agenda but I was listening to a podcast and realized there are many women who choose to go about this alone. I am not sure if this is for me yet but their reasoning resonated with me. They weren't man haters they just decided being single for life was the perfect lifestyle choice for them

@Ohalrightthen I have thought about this too. But surely there is compromising in every relationship? What if your parter really wanted to move somewhere you didn't or vice versa?

It all depends on who you are and who your partner is surely?

DH and I fit together. I don't think we compromise because what we do and want just... fit. Living together is natural and just making dinner is like one of those cheesy as hell adverts when the couple are pretty much doing a choreographed dance and throwing peppers, carrots and plates to each other. We may not dance but an automatic synchronicity is there. I'll be chopping food and DH will get the plates out. I'll turn round and hand him a carton as he passes and he'll automatically put it into the fridge.

DH will do something like pull the bin out and if I see what he's doing I'll walk over and grab the bin so he can lift the bag out. He'll take it to the wheelie bin and I'll pop a fresh bag in.

It's just living. No one needs to say anything. I love to read. Every moment I can. In the 17 years I've been with DH he has never read a book other than children's books to our kids when they were toddlers at bedtime. So, DH gets the living room for his Xbox gaming or watching tv and I'll snuggle up in our bedroom with a book (or stay and read in the living room while he's doing what he wants) We do not argue about what goes on the tv.

Our life has never felt like we compromise. But that's us. I would never assume that is the way it is for everyone. Your way suits you, OP and ours suits us. DSis is probably closer to you than I.

At the risk of sounding patronising you are still very young. I wouldn’t have wanted to have been living with someone in my mid 20s either. Funnily enough the things you want at 35 are not necessarily the same.

@ChangedName4TheSakeOfIt that sounds really lovely and I agree with you my brother is similar. I think it's a personality thing.

I think due to my adventurous personality I may struggle to find someone compatible without constant compromising for one of us.

I agree with you OP. I lived alone until mid thirties and now have 2 DC. My life since marriage has been a constant compromise to the detriment of my finances and mental health.
I had a fantastic life before but bought into the whole narrative that i would regret not marrying or having children. My biological clock was ticking so i went for it.
I love my DC but if i could go back i would do things differently and probably never live with a man!

If you don't like compromising, I'd avoid having kids 😂

If I hadn't wanted children is not have been as bothered living together and getting married but I didn't want to deliberately a child without half the expected family, or to intentionally have one who pops around once a week. I think where possible, it's better for children to have two living parents.

However it's totally fine that you don't want that. Just be clear with your partner what you want and crack on with it

My friend lives like that. She never wanted any children since she was a teen, so she never wanted to get married. She has a long term boyfriend but don't live together. But they are really happy together for decades. She is very spontaneous person, just decide to go everywhere she was interested, and family life won't suit her. But they are very compatible couple and happy to live this way.

@Divebar2021 you do sound very patronising. Mid twenties is old enough to know what you want. It may change or it may not. I was told that i would eventually want what i have now and i bought into it. I'm not so sure it was what i wanted though.

Some people fit better than others. My relationship is a very good match. The poster above is describing a happy relationship with a good partnership on the domestic front. But if anyone suddenly decided they did want to move to France that’s something very different.

When I married DH I knew there was a distinct possibility that we may have to emigrate. We haven’t but as a compromise I have had many months at home without him. That has actually worked out very well. I know many of my colleagues said they wouldn’t be able to stand it. But I love time by myself.

However for true unbridled freedom it will always be easier to be single or in a casual relationship.

@Divebar2021

At the risk of sounding patronising you are still very young. I wouldn’t have wanted to have been living with someone in my mid 20s either. Funnily enough the things you want at 35 are not necessarily the same.

Completely agree. I didn’t have a clue what I wanted in my 20’s or most of my 30’s and I did not settle down until my very late 30’s! Had a child at 40. There’s no rush OP, you may decide you don’t want to be in a relationship at all.

Depends on the man.

And also the stage of life you're at: I spent much of my mid 20s shagging about and doing as I pleased, wouldn't have considered marriage and babies as a desired goal at that stage of my life. Sounds as though you were living a bit like an old married couple, so not surprising that you found it stiffling.

This is a really interesting question, and I don’t know the answer.

I have lived with four different men in the past, and am now on my fifth (some people never learn!). The other four were all stifling to different extents, but then they weren’t great relationships overall (they had plus points of course, but I wasn’t a great fit with any of them).

The current one has moved in due to lockdown, and I must admit I would be horribly lonely doing a Winter lockdown here on my own. It doesn’t feel stifling really but this is partly because he works away at least one night a week (sometimes more) and he isn’t here when I have my daughter (he hasn’t met her yet - I’m quite boundaried about that after last time and he is in no rush either.) She is mostly with her dad at the moment due to her schooling and my work, but it still means there are other nights when I am not with him (either she comes here and he moves out, or I go and stay with her in her dad’s house while her dad stays with his girlfriend).

New boyfriend is definitely the best match for me so far, co-habiting wise - we are both dirty hippies so there is no compulsion to live to someone else’s “higher standards”, and we both aren’t big talkers (one thing I have found hard before is somebody demanding my constant attention - it gets on my tits). However, obviously there ARE some limits on my freedom in having him here, in terms of little things like what I eat, what I watch on TV etc. But often when he is NOT here I feel incredibly lonely too. That’s partly lock-down based - if I could go down and sit in my local for a pint or two in the evening, for example, the loneliness wouldn’t be such a thing.....I also love having him in bed with me, for sex AND cuddles - that’s another thing I really miss while he is away, even if just for one night.....

But in normal times, I just don’t know the answer to which is better, cohabitation or living separately. I wish I did. Both have their upsides and downsides I think......

I’m married 25 years and would say that whilst we have had our ups and downs it has been a wonderful thing to have had my husband by my side as our lives progressed. We have enjoyed each others company through having children, buying a home and progressing our careers. We supported each other when our parents and others close to us were ill and passed away. We balanced each other out with child rearing and tag teamed when deadlines illness and money worries reared their heads. That said nothing can describe the pain and suffering a few of our friends, male and female, have gone through in bad marriages. It’s heartbreaking to see them so wrecked and I’d def rather fly solo than just go along with convention for the sake of not being alone.

I’ve loads of other pals male and female who never met someone they wanted to share their lives with and they are also very fulfilled and happy.

Just go with what suits you - better that way than to try and compromise and try to make yourself into someone you are not.

1. Live somewhere with two bedrooms (if possible).
2. Live somewhere with two bathrooms (if possible).
3. You can still have (and need) your own friends and hobbies in a relationship. No one can fulfill absolutely all of your social needs.
4. But who would I blame for ending up watching Netflix every night instead of reading? (Jokes).
5. Wait till you have kids, especially for "Him having his friend I didn't like around for a weekend, me playing my music he doesn't like aloud."

It all depends on who you are and who your partner is surely?

This. They vary. Not like Roombas - you know where you are with a Roomba.

There are compromises when you invite someone into your home/life/bed long term.

Some people are worth accommodating those compromises, some aren't. Sometimes you dont want to accommodate for anyone and that's fine too.

There are few women quite so trapped as those in abusive marriages (or ex marriages) and sharing custody of children - therefore unable to simply cut ties, block everywhere, and move far away.

Abusers often don't make themselves obvious until you're already pregnant, so it's not like you can simply "pick a decent one".

It's a gamble OP, you're quite right, and your freedom is what is put at stake in that gamble.

@Bemoreme21 that is my fear.

I also think many women including myself have a romantisised view of marriage. For years I imagined skipping off into the sunset with the man of my dreams. But now I think, what if I fall for someone else? What if I change what I want in a life partner? What if I want to go into the army? These things can be deal breakers in marriage. Divorce can be very messy. It just makes more sense to me to not get married and always be open minded to breaking it off. I see so many women stay with horrible or even just below average men because 'they're married so that's that'.

It just makes more sense to me to not get married and always be open minded to breaking it off

I have to say, that sounds like a really miserable deal for your partner. Either you're upfront about your mindset, and they know you'll fuck them off whenever you fancy it, and they'll never truly be secure, or you don't tell them, and they make plans and factor you in, with no idea that you're planning to swan off an adventure with no thought to them whenever you feel like it.

I think you're being very unfair to your partner. Commit, or don't commit. Don't pretend to commit.

Depends on the man. Depends on you and what you need/ want from life. Depends on so much!

But now I think, what if I fall for someone else? What if I change what I want in a life partner? What if I want to go into the army? These things can be deal breakers in marriage. Divorce can be very messy.

The end of any relationship can be very messy. It's not going to hurt less to be dumped for someone else or a job just because you're not married!

I was going to come on this thread and post:
"not just any man, he's a Marks & Spencer man" but thought that might be a little cynical/flippant.
I think it very much depends on your personality, what you want to do and "the man".
Having lived for nearly 2 decades without a permanent male fixture in my daily life, I cannot say that I miss the less glamorous aspects of male company. In "normal" times I do what I want to do and go where I want to go, although sometimes it would be nice to do things as a couple.

@unmarkedbythat it's alot less messy if you aren't married and living together. You don't have to fight expensive court battles and both move out and split all your stuff in half. Many people also feel alot of shame attached to divorce.

@Ohalrightthen well I think its important for some people to feel that the relationship will be broken off if things change. Someone else has mentioned men can become abusive while a woman is pregnant. The security he feels enables this. Men can become cocklodgers all down to security.

I would be totally honest and open with my partner. I would find someone with a similar mindset that we plan to be together forever but if that changes we don't feel stuck.