is life really better with a man?

[pinadelilah]

I am mid twenties and have a wonderful partner and we live apart.

We were living together for three years but life is so much better when I have my own space.

I found sharing a living space with my partner to be fine we didn't argue but we were both always compromising. He is very kind and adapts alot to my wishes and me to his. I have reasons why my life is so much better having your own apartment

1. If we wanted to go to bed a different times some nights one would wake the other up. Having your own room means quality sleep
2. Constant compromising on the bathroom when you're in a relationship with one bathroom
3. Becuase he was always there my social needs were fulfilled and didn't arrange socializing events as much which stagnated my life
4. Very easy to adopt their bad habits. Instead of reading we would end up watching Netflix together
5. Compromising on all areas of life. What you want to eat, do at the weekend etc. Him having his friend I didn't like around for a weekend, me playing my music he doesn't like aloud.

My life is liberated and my relationship flourished since moving out. I really don't like arguing so I just got on with things, but it has amazed me how free I feel now.

I can't imagine having a child with a man. What if I want to move to France and he doesn't want to?

Up until last month I wanted marriage and kids but being in a relationship and marriage are very restrictive. Why should we all have to compromise so much?

I see so many women stay with horrible or even just below average men because 'they're married so that's that'.

Who are these women? If you're only in your mid twenties, do you have many friends who have married already? None of mine did until we were in our 30s.

A few of my friends parents have stayed in unhappy marriages, mostly for financial reasons because they don't want to lose their current house. People used to have more pressure to get married younger and before living together (none of my friends parents lived together before marriage), and women were usually the ones to limit their earning potential when they had kids, and after years of working part time don't have full pensions. Though if you were unmarried in this position you'd be worse off. Divorce also still seems to be more 'taboo' with my parents generation; no one bats an eyelid these days.

My best friends mum always drilled into us to never financially rely on a man, never marry before living together, and have a running away fund, sound advice.

@AlrightTreacle people post here every day with their stories

And yes quite a few friends were engaged at school and married at 18. I really don't think many are too happy.

I do like your mums friends advice

My ex made my life a misery so after that I enjoyed my time being single, focused on my kids and liked my own company. I still wanted to meet someone but it wasn't a priority for me. As long as I had people to chat to online and see friends occasionally it kept loneliness at bay. As a single mum I sometimes felt stressed as it was all down to me. I'm now married and I prefer my life now to how it was. A good relationship just really enhances everything in life and when kids are involved everything is easier because they can pick up half the slack and are there for emotional support. So yes I do think life is better for me personally because I found the right man for me.

If you want to be in charge of your own life don't marry and don't have children.

Lots of relationships break up, MN is full of these stories. When you fall out you just split, sometimes difficult and messy.

If you have children you can't just dump them like you do a partner. Your life tends to revolve around them (unless you can afford nanny etc and outsource caring for the children). So for 18+ years you face putting them first, sorting their problems etc.

If you want to be footloose and free don't marry, don't have children, don't put down roots.

Everyone's different

I definitely need to be single for my mental and physical health.

I never wanted children though.

Life is all about compromise especially in a relationship.
If you're not ready to compromise your probably not with the right person. I mean that kindly 💯
I compromise with my OH happily and he with I.
However, when you read some of the horror stories on MN of woman trapped in abusive marriages and stay at home mums who have no money or even a say on their own lives, my advice to you OP is stay as you are and be happy

Life is 100% stress-free at home since my divorce. I love not having a man in the house. If I ever meet someone again, I’m not sure I’d ever live with him. Having been alone with DS, we have a great routine. I’d find it hard having to negotiate with another person.

Fair enough, OP.

Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe.

I can do both.

DH works away for 10 months if the year and when he’s not here I really enjoy it. I enjoy having the bed to myself and doing whatever I want whenever I want in regards to cooking and cleaning, not sharing the tv, getting up and having my coffee in silence without anyone talking to me, etc.

He’s been home for 7 weeks at the moment and I’ve enjoyed that too, haven’t felt lonely, someone to help with the day to day boring shit, someone else to drive, sex on tap
I’m really going to miss him when he goes back to work, and then I’ll enjoy not sharing anything again.

I don't think living with a man is better and I'm 60. I've had two marriages and one long term relationship and everytime I've felt stifled by them and their constant needs.
I have my own money house and pension and feel I'm unlikely ever to live with a partner again.

As a woman on the cusp of 50, I'm not sure I would want to live with a man with whom I was in an intimate relationship again. I love my independence and my space too much. And - at some point that may change.

So it really isn't a matter of your age; it's more of a matter of who you are. If you don't want to, then don't. If you change your mind at some point, you can re-think.

Everyone on here is sharing from their own point of view, and for some your choice would be either strange, or unthinkable.

But they are not you. Be yourself. The rest will follow,

I was not willing to compromise much with exH and what I did do was stifle myself with a husband and traditional family life, which is what I'd always wanted however it wrecked my MH.

Now I'm divorced, with someone else and incredibly happy. I am happy to compromise and listen to DPs view points whereas I'd dismiss ex, if he ever actually offered an opinion. The difference is I was with the wrong man. It took me until a lot older to realise this. I settled down far too young and wasn't happy. I always wanted to be a mum though and have never regretted that part.

I think you are being sensible. Live how you want to live, not what society thinks is how everyone should live. You may change your mind in 10 years, you may not. I know I am not the same person as I was in my 20s, I just couldn't see clearly then like I can now but some people do and this is fine.

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You are very young. Don't feel you have to feel settled yet. Believe it or not you've still got a lot of growing up to do.

If you're happy with your life as it is now, then why worry about how you will feel in the future?

The only advice I would give you is not to see compromise as a bad thing. It is something we all do to form relationships with other people - whether that is within friendships or romantic relationships.

@unmarkedbythat it's alot less messy if you aren't married and living together. You don't have to fight expensive court battles and both move out and split all your stuff in half. Many people also feel alot of shame attached to divorce.

It's the living together/ shared property bit that's most relevant there, isn't it?

Personally I don't think my life is better with a man, but it is better with a partner.

You make a lot of good points OP

If you have no desire to raise a family together then there is no real reason why you need to co-habit if you prefer no to

Much as I love my DH I do find many aspects of co-habitation are not ideal!
If anything happened to DH then I can't imagine that I would choose to co-habit with a partner again as without the desire to create a family (because I've already done that now) there would be no reason to live with someone else. I enjoy my own company and being sociable when I want to be but I think the situation you have is ideal if I'm being honest! (but I can't really tell DH I'd prefer us to live separately after 20+ years living together )

The more you write about your relationship, the more I think that you are not in love with this man. And while I do think that a romantic relationship is not necessary for a happy life, being in a serious relationship with someone when you are not really that interested in is surely a negative factor?

In your shoes honestly, I think i'd break it off and either embrace single life or open myself up to a relationship that does enhance, rather than burden my life.

I've tried both and prefer not being married, but as pp have said, maybe it depends on having the right partner. The men I've met have constantly been on about food and what they're going to eat next and food shopping and things like that, which I find very dull. I also don't want to share my TV, make compromises on where I want to go on holiday, or share a bed more than a few nights a week.

Reading the book Wifework was a game changer for me and I've not really wanted a relationship since, I was doing far more than my fair share when I was married, for zero thanks really.

It just makes more sense to me to not get married and always be open minded to breaking it off sounds like you're picked a relationship where you like him but don't LOVE him so that you can stay a little disconnected. If you're open minded about breaking it off then that isn't a person you have an emotional commitment with. And if you think breaking up with someone you love with all your heart isn't messy because the practicalities are easier, I'd question if you've ever been really in love.

I'm mid 40s, divorced with 2 kids. I'm in a serious relationship with a man (for some years now) and have no intention of living with him. We see each other when we want to and make a reasonable "effort" on those times. We are together 100% because we want to be, not out of convenience, or ties. If either of us want to to end it we can, with minimal fall out or repercussions. As more time passes, the more I
am happy with this and mourn the loss of the traditional "family" less. I know some on here will say its not a real partnership, or relationship, that if you aren't prepared to "risk" it or compromise then its not a good enough relationship but I completely disagree. Women now can and do support themselves, own their own homes and cars - you can have a relationship on a much more equal footing and have some personal space for just you whenever you want it. Mid 20s is a very different place to mid 40s and the OP will probably find herself in the minority at this stage, but that doesn't invalidate her feelings or make her "odd" in any way.

Is life better with a man. I'd say it's different. There are some really wonderful parts about living with someone you are in love with (most of it really!). But there are also some compromises to be had. This is the case with anything in life.

1. Going to bed at different times. You can just be quiet, or have different bedrooms. Not a dealbreaker.
2. I don't understand about the 'compromising in the bathroom'. How do you have to compromise? Like maybe you both need to crap at the same time, who goes first?
3. It's up to you to keep your social life going. If your partner is a good person, and the two of you are compatible, they should encourage and support you in whatever level of socialising you are happy with.
4. Compromise. Sometimes watch TV. Sometimes read. You do not have to both do the same thing all the time!
5. Yes, you do have to compromise on some of those things too. If the person is right for you, the wonderful parts of living together outweigh those compromises.

As for 'what if I want to move to France or join the army?' - usually, in the early years of the relationship, these sorts of things come up. You learn what the other person's aspirations are, and what is and isn't a dealbreaker for them. This would give you a sense of how they would deal with you e.g. joining the army/wanting to move to France!

sleepingstandingup I really disagree with that and find it very patronising. There is no textbook definition of being "in love". I've been in lust / limerance and it basically wrecked the best relationship I ever had that was based on friendship, attraction, respect and trust (til I fucked it up). Both of the those men could be said to have been men I "loved" but they were totally different. I love my current partner and would be upset if we parted, but not devastated, crushed, unable to function or any other such thing because he is a PART if my life, not all of it, which I believe is a great deal healthier.

Im widowed for 5 years now and although it was extremely difficult at first, I now honestly cannot see myself going back to living with someone and for a lot of the reasons you point out. Also I know its not the case for all couples but I know an awful lot who have ended up separated due to being stuck together so much because of lockdowns. No one seemed to be able to have space and sometimes space is really good. If it makes you both happy then why not?

@HugeAckmansWife

sleepingstandingup I really disagree with that and find it very patronising. There is no textbook definition of being "in love". I've been in lust / limerance and it basically wrecked the best relationship I ever had that was based on friendship, attraction, respect and trust (til I fucked it up). Both of the those men could be said to have been men I "loved" but they were totally different. I love my current partner and would be upset if we parted, but not devastated, crushed, unable to function or any other such thing because he is a PART if my life, not all of it, which I believe is a great deal healthier.

Of course you don't have to live together or have kids or get married or say I love you every 3 minutes or be suicidal if he leaves you.

I'm not saying you should be unable to function. I have 3 kids, if DH left or died of have to function and cope. But there's a big gap between that and ops seeming ambivalence over breaking up.

It doesn't sound like you consider yourself as "being always open minded to breaking it off" like every Sunday you decide of you cba to carry it on.