I'm too quiet and it's ruined my life

[loser12]

I have been quiet for as long as I can remember. And I have hated myself for it for as long as I can remember.

I'm not just quiet. I'm extremely quiet. I'm the most quiet person I know My quietness irritates people. I literally don't know how to initiate or keep a conversation going. Im sure I make people feel awkward which in turn makes me feel even more awkward. People don't like me for it. I've been picked on because of it. I feel utterly ashamed and embarrassed because of the way that I am. I feel like a very poor role model for my children and fear they will turn out to be like me.

I know it's not good or helpful to be like this but I can't help it. I've tried therapy several times and it doesn't help. One therapist said that it's probably never going to change as it seems it has developed during my very very early developmental years so it's sort of part of me now. I have strongly contemplated killing myself over it several times in my life but have never had the guts to do it.

I'm sorry. I don't really know what I want from this post but just want to get it out.

Hi OP, I hope you feel better for getting it out. You could use this thread to practice chatting back and forth.What sort of hobbies or interests do you have?

@N0ManJan

Hi OP, I hope you feel better for getting it out. You could use this thread to practice chatting back and forth.What sort of hobbies or interests do you have?

That’s a good idea - chat here. You sound very able to articulate in writing, so try that.

I happily chat to people online, perhaps you are like me.

Lots of people are naturally quite quiet and I'm sure most people know more irritating loud people than quiet people!

But just because people may be more naturally inclined to be a certain way it doesn't mean that they can't learn to change a bit, especially if they are aware of positives that can come from that.

In terms of initiating or continuing conversations, well most people simply just love to talk about themselves, their own thoughts and their own opinions - so if you can be really interested in them and ask those sort of questions you will find conversations may be continued more easily and the pressure will drop from yourself....you don't need to talk about you so much, you just need to ask the right questions about them!

As has already been noted, you write very well and articulately - perhaps you could practise using speech-to-text on your computer to generate text instead of typing it in chat forums like this? In this way you will be rehearsing speaking in a more private context (do you have a quiet place where you can be undisturbed to do this?). That will build your confidence for conversations in person.

Firstly there's nothing inherently wrong with being quiet. It's far more annoying to be with somebody who talks bollocks and never shuts the fuck up. Im sure that people don't dislike you for it. That said, if it makes you unhappy then you need to work on it. Most (but not all) people are quiet because they believe that what they say has no value or importance so they feel self-conscious saying it. If this is you, then you need strategies to work on your self confidence and help with techniques for making conversation. A good therapist might help with this - if you can afford it? Otherwise I always think self help books are good; it's a question of finding the right ones. Look on Amazon and read reviews (overcoming social anxiety type books) and then if you can afford to get a few. Otherwise write down the titles and order them from your library. Some of these books will give you exercises to do each week that will push you out of your comfort zone. There's a book called Feel the Fear and do it Anyway which is quite good as a starting point. Everyone has fears and yours is talking to people; there's nothing wrong with that; you certainly shouldn't hate yourself for it. Did you have a difficult childhood? Did somebody erode your confidence? Or maybe you are temperamentally quiet? It's never too late to learn new skills. Set yourself a challenge. You sound lovely and you can learn to speak out more so that people can appreciate you. Good luck.

Op I'm very introverted. I tend to make friends with people that are very outgoing. I think because they fill the gaps and aren't fussed if I'm quiet. Once I get to know people better I'm not quiet. Are you quiet with people you know well?

It's ok to be a quiet person. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it. You don't have to enjoy small talk or chatting about nothing. Once I accepted I like the way I am and it was ok to enjoy activities that don't involve big crowds and lots of chat I was much happier.

Also, my ds is the same. I purchased these 'talk around the table cards' which we do at dinner. They basically are small talk cards with conversation starters on them, it helps him at school.

I have been extremely quiet since childhood, so much so my family call me mouse. I am filled with fear of talking to people and embarrassment that I can’t talk to people. It’s like a mental block and my mind goes completely blank and I can’t form actual words.

It never helped being told to ‘get out of my comfort zone’ or ‘take up a hobby’ as it is a physical reaction, I literally can’t bring myself to speak to some people. I was diagnosed with GAD and my therapist helped me accept that I am who I am (even if I don’t like me all the time) and most people have their own stuff and even if I agonise over an awkward encounter for weeks they probably don’t give it a second thought. I have a lovely family and a wonderful childhood, I’ve never experienced anything traumatic so there isn’t any obvious reason I’m like this.

I have perhaps been lucky as i have good friends and family who know me well and don’t try to change me. I find when I know someone accepts me for me I’m more likely to relax. I’m not sure why I’m writing this either and I’m sure none of this is helpful to you but you’re not alone in this.

I know it's not good or helpful to be like this but I can't help it. I've tried therapy several times and it doesn't help. One therapist said that it's probably never going to change as it seems it has developed during my very very early developmental years so it's sort of part of me now. I have strongly contemplated killing myself over it several times in my life but have never had the guts to do it.

That therapist is clearly incredibly bad! It is just not true.

I think it depends on what your inner feeling is about interaction, is this a crippling social anxiety and you want to talk up but can't bring yourself to do it? Have you got overly keen self-consciousness which brings up feelings of being judged? OR are you actually quite happy being quiet and it is more that other people seem to be annoyed by it?

I have a very quiet friend, extremely quiet, and I love her very much and would never judge her. Interestingly over lockdown, she has been the funniest and most witty person on our WhatsApp group, constantly having us in stitches. When we do finally meet again, I would wonder if that has relieved what I think for her, is social anxiety related.

I think all I am saying is what is it you want to change? Where is the drive to post /change coming from?

I really like quiet people. There is nothing wrong with being quiet.
But if you want some ideas of how to initiate conversations, the book “How to make anyone like you” by Leil Lowndes is worth reading.

Omg op. You're so harsh on yourself. Are you a kind person? Do you do nice things for others? Do you care for your friends and family? This is what truly matters, not if you are quiet. Being quiet can hold you back but it does not mean your life isn't worth the same as everyone elses. Speaking personally I'd much rather be in a quiet person's company than someone loud who doesn't stop talking.

Hi OP. I can really relate to what you have written. I used to be like this but have managed to overcome it. Have you heard of selective mutism? Have a read up on it on the NHS website.

I am very shy but am able to have conversations and keep them going now. My strategy is basically to ask the person questions (in a natural way) that then follows on to more topics.
I think you should consider discussing this with your GP as there are different types of help out there (medication being an option) and it sounds like you may possibly be suffering from depression. I am not diagnosing at all, just saying that it could be beneficial to see your GP, especially considering the suicidal thoughts.

I'd also question the capability of your therapists. CBT might work better than psychodynamic stuff. Sounds like you'd benefit from an action plan and directions rather than trying to resolve "trauma".

Are you with the children's Dad? Is he a good man? How old are your kids?

Op have you got any idea what the driving force is behind your quietness? It makes you unhappy but is it it that because it's driven by fear/anxiety or could you be happy as a quiet person but you feel like it's expected of you to be more talkative and sociable?

You have dc so you've obviously spoken to at least their father well enough to form a relationship. When I was younger I was so quiet, I didn't think I would ever achieve a relationship but I have.

I can be quiet in some situations, very quiet, and a lot more talkative in others. My ex boyfriend at uni met me at work, he thought I was really sociable and outgoing and was stunned by how quiet and shy I was when I met his parents!

I have accepted in certain situations that I'm never going to be the life of the party and I'm happy that way, but there are other situations where it would be in my interests to be more outgoing and sometimes I can fake it, but other times it's fear that stops me. It is something I try to overcome, and I struggle with it. I think the answers depend on what makes you quiet, and how much effort you're willing to put in to change things if you really do want them changed.

My FIL is the quietest person I know, my husband is also quiet but not as quiet as his dad. Neither are shy, they are introverted and listeners. They just never feel the need to fill a silence with conversation the way I do. I'll admit when I first came about the family it intimidated me, I didn't have a clue what to say but now I really respect it. If you are in a 1-1 conversation he will make conversation but otherwise he would pretty much only speak when spoken to. He is the most observant man I know and the kindest, he would always be the first to offer help with anything. My husband is the same and both are excellent at emailing or texting people when something is going on in their life to let them know they are thinking about them. My life is so filled with small talk and chatter that I often miss doing thoughtful things like that. My husband could also win any argument because he is so much more observant than me!

Just trying to give you another way of looking at it, I really admire the quieter people in my life. You could also practice some simple questions that people ask you to get you to chat and have them ready so if you are in a 1 to 1 situation with someone you don't really know you can have a bank of 'small talk' you can fall back of if you think it feels awkward. Fake it until you make it, no one needs to know it doesn't just come naturally to you.

I don't disagree that it probably does come from very early on, my FIL was treated very harshly by his parents in a 'children should be seen and not heard' generation. I noticed that a lot of kids in my sons nursery class are a lot quieter by nature and only speak when addressed.

I hope you are ok.

I am very, very similar to you.
Do you know why you are so quiet? Is it down to social anxiety, low confidence, not feeling like your opinion matters etc? Is it just when you are in groups, or all the time?

I found with groups that I literally cannot speak. It's like my brain completely falls apart. Can't think of anything interesting to say. I just want to curl up and die.
One on one, I'm ok. Sometimes not great if not feeling sociable but sometimes great.

I have found that it has got better with age. I found it also got better with just constantly putting myself in situations where I had to speak. Don't get me wrong, I shit my pants still, I physically shake if talking when in a group etc, however have found over time it has got easier. I have a friend who is very, very confident and I sort of try and copy what she does when meeting new people. She just asks them a load of questions about themselves and seems really interested in them, then it kind of helps you think of things to say too

Not sure if any of that is helpful, but just wanted you to know you are not alone x

Hi op.

Sorry you are feeling so low. It’s horrible to feel so terrible about yourself. What I would say if that the way you view yourself is probably not how others view you really. Also those who have been unkind because you are quiet are the ones in the wrong in the way they acted.

I can be very quiet and awkward at times and at others I’m overly chatty (but still awkward). I also have a friend who is very quiet in groups however manages to speak one to one and at work.

The things I find helpful are...

• pre-planning conversation topics if I know I’m going to find it hard to chat. *meeting with small groups or one on one rather than trying big groups. *trying not to internally say unkind things to me. If I’m thinking something unkind about myself I try to step back and realise it’s my perspective of myself and probably others aren’t thinking what I am. *joint a class/group where you are engaged in an activity to there in minimal chance for idle chatting but small periods of chat while doing the activity.

Given it is such an issue you have thought of taking your life I do think looking at other options of treatment/therapy is needed. Would it fall under the category of social anxiety?!

Sorry, I'd somehow missed the bit where you said you'd tried therapy already. I agree with PP that your therapist sounds rubbish and it might be worth trying with a different one?

Hello OP. There’s nothing inherently wrong about being quiet. I can totally understand though if you feel like it holds you back. I’m also a ‘quiet’ person in many ways but trained myself to talk to others. I read books like ‘How to talk to anyone’ by Leil Lowndes and I’d also put a list of conversation topics on my phone when meeting friends or colleagues to give me something to talk about. I am also somebody who finds loud, very chatty people quite irritating, so I wouldn’t assume that everybody doesn’t like your quietness. Please don’t be so hard on yourself and know that it’s never too late to make changes to your personality if you want to. Reading books is a good place to start.

My husband is the same and both are excellent at emailing or texting people when something is going on in their life to let them know they are thinking about them. My life is so filled with small talk and chatter that I often miss doing thoughtful things like that. My husband could also win any argument because he is so much more observant than me!

That is so very true. I am an annoying extravert but I have learned so much from my many introverted friends (and my DP)

I value introverted people to such an extent that I actively search them out because they usually have more insight on things than many of my more 'chatterbox' friends and acquaintances.
Quality rather than quantity is an easier way to put it!

If you want to feel better about being quiet you might want to try Susan Cain's book 'Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking'.
I'm quiet and this book helped me to see that I am not so strange after all :)

Hi OP. I am also a quiet person and always have been. I was very shy at school and I do get social anxiety in some situations. Being a quiet, introverted person has been difficult but I have learned to accept who I am and I'm sure you will too in time. There is really nothing to be ashamed of and there is nothing wrong with being quiet.

I think sometimes quiet people feel pressured to try and become a chatty person or feel they need to socialise with people or join a group when actually deep down that is not what they want to do. Try taking the pressure off yourself. You don't have to chat to people when you don't want to. If you are worrying about initiating a conversation or there being awkward silences then it can make talking a daunting prospect. Try letting yourself be at peace with being quiet and a listener. Then if someone says something directly to you just answer them in a way that feels natural to you. You don't have to talk at length or ask them a million questions back. There will be times when you will come across people that you are able to have some sort of conversation with or maybe just exchange a brief hello and a few pleasantries with and that will be enough.

Hi OP, so sorry to hear you're feeling like this and v giving yourself such a hard time. Being sociable and having a big social whirl is drummed into us from being young as that's part of what makes us successful as people. However there's absolutely nothing wrong with being quiet. I was extremely quiet and shy as a teenager. At work they don't believe it but I think it's due to knowing my job and having a hook with regards to what you talk about so it gives me confidence. I have tried to force myself to be more out going especially as DH is so sociable but one thing covid has made me realise is that I was putting myself through intensely social situations just because I thought I "should" rather than actually enjoying it. It's a blessed relief not to have people rocking up and drinking tea in the kitchen at all hours... I've learnt I enjoy one on one meaningful conversation with people I know well. I hate small talk and big groups.... And always will.. And that's ok!

As the saying goes avoid loud people as they are vexatious to the spirit!

@thetemptationofchocolate I was just coming on to recommend that very book!

OP I am sorry you feel so low about this. I am like you and am naturally very quiet. My DH is too. If it’s any help it hasn’t held either of our girls back. One is a bit like us but the other is what is known in Scotland as a “right blether”.

For my quieter daughter the key has been finding the right friends. Her best friend is also naturally quieter but her other best friend is a chatterbox. They all balance each other out. My DD is very observant and very witty and also very very kind.

How old are your kids OP?

As others have said your post is very articulate and I found it very moving. You sound like a lovely person to me.

Hi Op, I could of write your post myself. I've always been very quiet, I've really struggled with friends and I currently don't have any at all. I had one best friend throughout school and later teens but we grew apart when she moved areas. I wasn't really quiet around her as I knew her so well I have a partner who I'm definitely not quiet but apart from him and my parents I'm very quiet and struggle to talk to other people. I'm pregnant and as much as I want this I'm very worried about my child taking after me and having the same struggles, I hope they will take after their dad in that sense as he's not quiet at all. I manage to hold down a job fine and I talk to patients fine but colleagues I really struggle with, I hate it when there's only me and 1 other person in the office as I worry how uncomfortable I make them feel with the awkward silences. I really wish I had some good advice for you but sadly I don't know how to change this either. Just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone.

The only time I'm not super quiet is when I've had alcohol, I am like a different person it's very strange. I can easily hold down a conversation and chat to people but when sober that isn't me and I don't drink very often these days (obviously not at all now that I'm pregnant). I often use to wish that sober me could have drunk me personality but I haven't figured out how to do that.

Also the thing that I find most annoying, and one colleague in particular enjoys staying regularly, is when people comment 'you're so quiet aren't you' or make jokes about it, it makes me want to curl up and disappear.

OP you sound lovely. My DH is very quiet and I've heard people call him 'weird' etc. He's not weird in the slightest, he's just extremely quiet. I defend him to the hilt with this as it really pisses me off.

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