I'm too quiet and it's ruined my life

[loser12]

I have been quiet for as long as I can remember. And I have hated myself for it for as long as I can remember.

I'm not just quiet. I'm extremely quiet. I'm the most quiet person I know My quietness irritates people. I literally don't know how to initiate or keep a conversation going. Im sure I make people feel awkward which in turn makes me feel even more awkward. People don't like me for it. I've been picked on because of it. I feel utterly ashamed and embarrassed because of the way that I am. I feel like a very poor role model for my children and fear they will turn out to be like me.

I know it's not good or helpful to be like this but I can't help it. I've tried therapy several times and it doesn't help. One therapist said that it's probably never going to change as it seems it has developed during my very very early developmental years so it's sort of part of me now. I have strongly contemplated killing myself over it several times in my life but have never had the guts to do it.

I'm sorry. I don't really know what I want from this post but just want to get it out.

Hi OP. You've just described me a couple of years ago. I had some therapy and it didn't make me less quiet but it did challenge why I felt so much self-hatred, humiliation and shame for being quiet and where those feelings had come from. Being quiet isn't some terrible affliction. It really doesn't matter that much! It's such a relief to feel more comfortable in your own skin. I'm not saying things are perfect now. Being quiet stops me from building friendships with people which I would love to be able to do. But I would definitely recommend persevering with finding a better therapist.

Sorry for the late reply. Was out most of the day. Thank you so so much for each and every message. It means alot. Why can't I know more people like yourselves in real life!

I have trouble initiating and keeping the flow of a conversation going. I am much better one to one but stick just another person in and I become very self conscious. After a lot of introspection and therapy it seems my extremely low self esteem and low self worth is the root of it all coupled with a childhood lacking in strong positive relationships with family or peers ( hence therapist advised it probably won't really improve).

To the person asking if I want to change because or societal expectations or because I want to - it's definitely because I want to.i actually really like being around people. I dream of another me doing things that I would love to do but I'm too afraid to try. I look at other people who can just talk to people and are comfortable in their own skin and wonder if they even know what an enviable gift they have or they don't even give it a second thought.

I don't really know what steps to take going forward. I feel like a tangled mental mess which is too late to fix.

In terms of going forward, once you're able to try a hobby which involves interaction and some kind of focused activity. I know it's a cliche but then you can talk about the activity as an opener. I don't agree with your therapist. I think rather than something backward looking and trauma focused you need something that's based around skills that can help you in the here and now. I'm trained in an excellent therapy called interpersonal psychotherapy. It focuses yes you guessed it on interpersonal skills whilst still having an awareness of where the difficulties come from.

You could try a book group that meets via zoom in the first instance, you can always put your camera off and just listen if you want. Once stuff opens up again in person an art or pottery group is always good because you can talk about what you're making/drawing. Local parks always have volunteer groups and always grateful for people to go along and help garden. I used to be as shy and self conscious as they come and I've started hobbies on my own and met some lovely people... You could even try life drawing!

Op I'm very quiet too. Has a specific situation triggered you feeling so bad at this time? Or is it a general feeling of fed up about it, or a bit of both?

I struggle massively with three way or more conversations, especially when the focus seems to shift less from a structured back and forth conversation to a more free for all (aka who has quicker response, yikes!). Also conversation gets more layers of social nuance the more people there are and I am slow! I am stressed even thinking about it. The only way is...practise.

Have you heard of Dinner Talks, its a website doing online light dinner conversation. Also things like Toast Masters, Comedy Improv all help build confidence.

The key thing OP is to not feel shame about it at all. I think nowadays speech and language difficulties are much more recognised whereas when I was a kid I know mine was not picked up as I could write well and it was ok for girls to be quiet, only 1 teacher noticed I might have difficulties with verbal language. The therapist is wrong, new research shows the brain to be much more flexible and new neuro connections continue to be built.

Oh OP , it's not too late. Do you have a partner ? Or a good friend you can ask for help and tips.
Maybe chat to the lady on the till or post office? Sounds trite but may help ?
Hope you can start to feel better.

Hi OP, I’d have to wonder why that therapist is a therapist if they don’t believe people can overcome early messages about the world and about themselves. You absolutely CAN change with the right kind of support, and I’d really encourage you to find a therapist specialising in attachment or relational trauma. Those early experiences tend to be more enduring purely because they are our first experiences of the world and of people; we lay down certain memories before we acquire language and they might emerge not as organised memories but in behaviour traits we don’t understand or reactions to situations that puzzle us. The really good news is our brains and personalities go on evolving and changing throughout our lives. You are not stuck with this. I’d suggest you may find Elaine Arons’ book ‘The Highly Sensitive Person’ an interesting read.

Hi OP, I’d highly recommend a book by Susan Cain called Quiet. I’m introverted (and quiet) and this book was fascinating and made me feel really empowered.

I sympathise OP.
I’m great in social situations, with making friends, and speaking infront of big groups of people. Really comfortable being the centre of attention, and have no problems striking up a conversation with anyone.
But at work if something is slightly formal, meetings etc, my instinct is to shrink into the background and hope I’m not noticed, and I feel my quietness in these settings has held me back in my career.
I’ve overcome it somewhat, as I hold a central role in a formal meetings as part of my job now, but it still feels very unnatural to me and I loathe it.
Maybe work with what you have, your quietness doesn’t have to define who you are.

Try this book

Please change your user name OP. That's not empowering at all.

OP, in answer to the question in your most recent post, you haven’t allowed for the fact that some of those people who ‘talk and are comfortable in their own skin’ are that way because they have put a huge amount of work into it, not because they’re naturally like that.

I was brought up by an extreme introvert father who is not neurotypical — he is unable to speak to anyone on the phone, even his own adult children. And my mother has zero self-esteem, but thinks that ‘nice’ women shouldn’t have any either, and should be silent and, if they say anything, should just agree with what’s just been said, like an echo. She hates self-confidence, or anyone who is happy, extroverted and successful, and she trained all her daughters to be shadows.

That’s what I had to combat. But it’s manageable. You are more than your upbringing.

I'm sorry to read this, OP It sounds very difficult.

Have you spoken to a GP about this? I realise it's a bit of a long shot with waiting lists, but perhaps they could refer you for some kind of talking therapy?

Hi Op, I’m sorry you feel like this - life sounds so difficult for you.
I’m an introvert and prefer to be quiet and left alone. I’m in my 60’s now but was an accountant for 30+ years and that job absolutely suited my character.
A few years ago I took voluntary redundancy, looked for some part time work and ended up working in a convenience store in a small village. You can not be quiet working in a ‘local’ shop - customers expect to be able to chat to you and for you to respond. It was great for me, it helped me to ‘learn’ how to be sociable, how to make small talk and basically join in with the human race 🙂. It wasn’t easy (I hated it initially) but I ended up yapping about mindless chitchat with the best of them.
I’m not suggesting you change careers - but maybe think about throwing yourself into situations where you’re forced to interact. Initially, you won’t get it right all the time (and certainly will be awkward and uncomfortable) but you will learn how to cope.

You need a different therapist! You're so very hard on yourself for absolutely no good reason.
It sounds like you've been bullied in the past, and I'm sure that's had a lasting effect on how you feel about yourself.
You sound like such a lovely person.
Why don't you do some research to find a truly good psychologist? You deserve to feel better than this.

I rarely post but this makes me sad. Please don't feel so bad. I used to be extremely quiet so i know that feeling you explain. My son is very quiet and it is something i have to remind myself not to try and get out of him. You sound great, maybe you just need to learn to accept it? Have you watched the TED talk by Susan Cain (i think?!). It is called The Power of the Introvert. Watch it. There will be equivalent posts from the "why can't i shut up" people.

I used to be similar. I struggled to start or hold down conversations, always felt on the outside of groups and I can remember being like that for as long as I can remember. My family used to have to answer for me cos I refused to speak.

I found a therapist that really worked for me. They challenged my thought process.

What's your body language like? I would sit with my arms folded, creating a subconscious barrier because I was so worried about saying the wrong thing. He would set me challenges but help me feel OK about what might happen - if I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, is it really the end of the world? Will anyone even remember that in an hour?

It's taken time, but I have massively improved. I've joined clubs, have a great group of friends. Most of them think I'm confident and independent and I still don't feel like that - but I guess that shows we're far more harsh on ourselves than others.

I guess I'm trying to say that of course things can get better, it won't be overnight, it won't be perfect, some days will be harder than others but stick with it and find a better therapist.

What about volunteering alongside people e.g gardening at a national trust or something like that. You’ll have the task to occupy you / talk about if necessary and perhaps trusting relationships will develop. Quiet people can be such lovely company. What they do say seems more profound and cherished. Don’t write yourself off when there are people who don’t shut up about themselves and don’t ask anyone anything back. Running monologues are more offensive to me. None of us are perfect.

You might be a highly sensitive person

hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/

Society seems to be set up for extroverts to flourish but there are far more introverts than you might think. I had terrible acute anxiety about speaking as a child, including selective mutism, but I am so much more comfortable than I used to be. Recognise the small steps that you take and praise yourself.

I could have written your post too so please believe that you are definitely the only person that feels like this.
I was a painfully shy child, no confidence at all and I learned very early on to keep quiet rather than be ridiculed every time I opened my mouth. I was a really socially awkward teenager and have always found making friends really difficult. As an adult I now force myself to make conversations with people, especially at work. The more you do it the easier it gets so give yourself a chance to mix with new people. Make small talk with strangers at the bus stop / in the shop etc. It's easier if they don't know you, as they don't know how awkward / stressful it is for you just talking. After a while it will feel a bit more natural and you can relax a bit.
Please know that it's OK to be quiet too though. I used to hate it, but as I got older I have grown to accept that this is who I am and that's ok. I actually find loud, talkative people really irritating and avoid them if at all possible!

I can tell you have got problems. Don’t take it too personal mate. You’re like me, they don’t hate you, they actually LOVE you. The reason why is that you should not bully yourself in front of everyone else. 😉