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Please advise me, concerned about someone talking to DS not being who they say they are...

40 replies

usedandabusedx1000 · 13/02/2021 21:48

Please don’t flame me for being a bad parent or preventing this, I’m not sure what else I could have done. I don’t know what to do now and I am desperate for some advice.

Ds (11) in secondary school....plays fortnite and such like like majority his age I suppose....he’s always talking to people either through his head set or through his phone, I caught the sound of a voice that seemed older a while ago, when ds went to visit his dad, dad then got in touch with me to express the same concern and said he’d seen inappropriate conversations from this persons end (talking about getting drunk, making references to being gay....I’m not hugely sure, because like a fool he deleted the conversations before screen shotting or really telling me anything in detail, he just said it was inappropriate) there was also call logs showing this person calling ds repeatedly all day every day although often the calls were not answered. Massive chats were had with ds by both himself and his dad, all apps gone through, dad went through Xbox friends etc and made sure to the best of his ability that he knew the people in real life and such like, was assured by ds he understood and wouldn’t be talking to this person again.

Well, I’ve checked his phone tonight (which I’m upset at having to do really but unless I keep an eye I don’t know what else to do) and he’s talking to this person again, he’s made reference to knowing he’s not allowed and hiding it from me and his dad, there’s also conversation about him being gay, the person he’s talking to has said they are gay as they make reference to a bf, please hear me when I say, I have no problem what so ever if ds is gay, although it has most certainly come from nowhere and I’m surprised, but that’s not the issue, I’m more concerned that he’s being coerced into saying things that will perhaps impress this person. God. I don’t know. The way the person talks to him just makes my skin crawl although it’s nothing wildly inappropriate. I’ve found the guy on tik tok, he certainly looks to be much older than ds, I’ve no idea if I’d say they were over 18 or not, but somethings telling me to be concerned and to be honest if it is something to worry about then it’s not just my ds I’m worried about, I would expect there to be more kids involved....basically, what do I do now? Would it be ridiculous to discuss with the police given I actually don’t know the age of this person or anything about them? My head is just spinning right now. I’ve tried talking to ds and he’s upset and crying and won’t talk to me. Does anybody have any advice?

OP posts:
Chipsahoy · 13/02/2021 21:54

Police would not be an over reaction. Not 999 of course but they can assist here.

Diadora30 · 13/02/2021 21:56

I’m sorry, this sounds really difficult. Have you looked at the Breck Foundation? I think they offer advice and work with parents who have concerns around online gaming and young people. Breck Bednars story is utterly heartbreaking.

usedandabusedx1000 · 13/02/2021 21:59

Thank you both for you replies. I’m really feeling quite upset/a little frightened, I don’t want to have to ban all technology for the rest of time but I feel like, how else do I monitor it? I feel like I’ve let him down and like there was something else I could have done. I don’t want to punish him in necessarily, although he has gone behind my back, is he being groomed? Is he confused? I just don’t know

OP posts:
catzrulz · 13/02/2021 21:59

Absolutely, 101 is the way forward.
If this person is chatting to your DS like this, who else is he chatting to that doesn't have parents who care.
Police can and will be able to trace whoever it is too.

imalmostthere · 13/02/2021 22:02

The first thing I thought was the breck bednars case. Absolutely get in touch with 101 x

HarrietSchulenberg · 13/02/2021 22:13

Report to 101and safeguard your 11yo child immediately by removing his phone and getting him offline completely. No internet access at all.
If he needs it for school, either sit with him and monitor his every online move or tell school he has no internet access, and why. It's half term here so hopefully it is where you are so he won't need to be online for school.

He's 11 and you need to keep him safe.

The NSPCC website has some great information about staying safe online that you can look at together.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 13/02/2021 22:13

@ Diadora30 first person who came to my mind, poor Breck absolutely devastating.
Op please talk to the police and your son, don’t hold back tell him parts of Breck’s story. Cancel the online membership so he can’t get on Fortnite for a while and take his phone away for a while but inform him why this is necessary at the moment. Ensure you and dad are on the same page communicating the same thing to him. You may need to contact your sons friends parents as he could be talking to them as well and they could be at risk.

Emilizz34 · 13/02/2021 22:13

Sounds like your son is being groomed by an older person . He’s only an 11 year old child so I don’t see the issue with you curtailing his phone activities. My youngest child is late teens so maybe things have changed but she wasn’t allowed totally unsupervised access at this age . Neither were most of her friends . A few were however and ran into issues with bullying and unwanted messages on Instagram etc . To be honest , I have lots of friends with kids this age and they are not permitted unsupervised access like this .
You should be checking your sons phone on a very regular basis anyway . I would contact the police .
Is the other person aware that your son is an 11 year old child or is he also pretending to be older ?

allyouneedis · 13/02/2021 22:15

No more online gaming till DS understands how serious this is. Also can you change his phone number and delete this persons number so they have no way of contacting you DS and your DS won’t have their number either? My kids are 18 and almost 16 and I still have the not everyone online is who they say they are conversation.

nimbuscloud · 13/02/2021 22:15

Well, I’ve checked his phone tonight (which I’m upset at having to do really but unless I keep an eye I don’t know what else to do

Your child is 11 years old !!!! Of course you should be checking his phone.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 13/02/2021 22:17

Op keep all texts and anything on the console the police will be interested
In this and will take it very seriously.

nimbuscloud · 13/02/2021 22:20

Massive chats were had with ds by both himself and his dad, all apps gone through, dad went through Xbox friends etc and made sure to the best of his ability that he knew the people in real life and such like, was assured by ds he understood and wouldn’t be talking to this person again

You cannot put the onus on your child like this. Have you contacted the police ?

usedandabusedx1000 · 13/02/2021 22:26

@nimbuscloud I don’t think I’ve “put the onus” Onto my child?

I have now contacted the police.

OP posts:
Katjolo · 13/02/2021 22:30

I'd definitely disconnect all tech and wifi for now. Including when staying with his dad.

nimbuscloud · 13/02/2021 22:31

You have done the right thing by contacting the police. Take your child out of the equation now.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 13/02/2021 22:31

Well done op you’ve done the right thing. Flowers

IthinkIm · 13/02/2021 22:33

I work in a safeguarding role and you've done the right thing going to the police.

Norwayreally · 13/02/2021 22:35

Total technology ban until he grasps how serious this is. When you return the games to him, he has to game when you’re in the vicinity so you can hear who he is talking to. Not sure whether you can block people on fortnite but if so, that needs to happen and in future he needs to know he can only talk to people he knows in real life.

TwinklyTits · 13/02/2021 22:37

You've done the right thing Op. As pp said NSPCC is a good source too

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 13/02/2021 22:37

I disagree about stopping your DS playing - to him that will seem like you’re punishing him when he hasn’t done anything wrong and it may well shut the door to making this a teachable moment. I don’t know enough about Fortnite but are there parental controls where you can only add/play/interact with certain people? Can you go through his friend list and check they are all people he knows and block/delete those he doesn’t? He could still game with supervision. As for the individual, I’d screenshot all the messages on DS’s phone, note the usernames and contact numbers and then block him.

KarmaNoMore · 13/02/2021 22:38

Well done in contacting the police. Now ensure your son doesn’t have access to phone or Xbox until the police has been, otherwise he can warn the guy, delete evidence and continue with this friendship “underground”.

nimbuscloud · 13/02/2021 22:39

@Norwayreally
He was gaming in op’s hearing
She did hear someone who sounded older
It was his dad who looked into it further

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 13/02/2021 22:41

I was sent unsolicited dick pics as a 12 year old online in the mid-late 1990s. My parents never knew but if they had and had punished me by removing my access rather than taking steps to make my internet use safer (teaching me about being safe online, a little bit of supervision) I think it would have made me much more secretive and left me more vulnerable. Work with your DS on this one, don’t leave him feeling like he’s done something wrong.

Clymene · 13/02/2021 22:44

You can okay fortnite without talking to other people at all. No children should be talking to people on headsets. It's not safe

changingmine · 13/02/2021 22:47

Well done for phoning police. Don't underestimate how serious this is.