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Please advise me, concerned about someone talking to DS not being who they say they are...

40 replies

usedandabusedx1000 · 13/02/2021 21:48

Please don’t flame me for being a bad parent or preventing this, I’m not sure what else I could have done. I don’t know what to do now and I am desperate for some advice.

Ds (11) in secondary school....plays fortnite and such like like majority his age I suppose....he’s always talking to people either through his head set or through his phone, I caught the sound of a voice that seemed older a while ago, when ds went to visit his dad, dad then got in touch with me to express the same concern and said he’d seen inappropriate conversations from this persons end (talking about getting drunk, making references to being gay....I’m not hugely sure, because like a fool he deleted the conversations before screen shotting or really telling me anything in detail, he just said it was inappropriate) there was also call logs showing this person calling ds repeatedly all day every day although often the calls were not answered. Massive chats were had with ds by both himself and his dad, all apps gone through, dad went through Xbox friends etc and made sure to the best of his ability that he knew the people in real life and such like, was assured by ds he understood and wouldn’t be talking to this person again.

Well, I’ve checked his phone tonight (which I’m upset at having to do really but unless I keep an eye I don’t know what else to do) and he’s talking to this person again, he’s made reference to knowing he’s not allowed and hiding it from me and his dad, there’s also conversation about him being gay, the person he’s talking to has said they are gay as they make reference to a bf, please hear me when I say, I have no problem what so ever if ds is gay, although it has most certainly come from nowhere and I’m surprised, but that’s not the issue, I’m more concerned that he’s being coerced into saying things that will perhaps impress this person. God. I don’t know. The way the person talks to him just makes my skin crawl although it’s nothing wildly inappropriate. I’ve found the guy on tik tok, he certainly looks to be much older than ds, I’ve no idea if I’d say they were over 18 or not, but somethings telling me to be concerned and to be honest if it is something to worry about then it’s not just my ds I’m worried about, I would expect there to be more kids involved....basically, what do I do now? Would it be ridiculous to discuss with the police given I actually don’t know the age of this person or anything about them? My head is just spinning right now. I’ve tried talking to ds and he’s upset and crying and won’t talk to me. Does anybody have any advice?

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 13/02/2021 22:50

Very worrying OP. You have done the right thing.

Iggly · 13/02/2021 22:50

Banning tech really is not the best approach because it just makes your kids defensive and then they’ll hide stuff.
It isn’t his fault that this has happened abs there’s a risk that the ban punishes the kid.

You absolutely can put parental controls on Fortnite but from memory, there’s nothing to stop the kid taking them off.

We have the Xbox in the family room so ds plays in our ear shot. We are always around when he’s chatting.

See what the police advise OP. Good luck.

Lindy2 · 13/02/2021 22:55

There's an online video called Breck's Last Game. I would suggest watching it with your son. It will hopefully help him understand the risks of online friendships with people he doesn't really know.

You've done the right thing letting the Police know your concerns.

whatnow41 · 13/02/2021 22:58

I agree with PP's - taking away all tech now is punishing him and he may believe this is happening due to his sexuality rather than the potential online grooming.

Speak to Child Exploitation and Online Protection Command as they do help parents in this situation.

With Fortnite, my DS plays it and I'm very uncomfortable with how strangers can speak easily to him. He is not allowed anyone in his friends list he doesn't know in real life, and I supervise his game time. Only plays on the family TV in the living room where I can hear what is being said and see the user names of all the people he is playing with.

There are game modes where he gets matched with randoms and they can speak to each other. He has to manually mute each persons mic each time to prevent them from speaking to him. I make sure this happens. I also don't allow him to accept gifts in the game - there is a setting for that too. It's hard work, sooo very annoying listening to it all, but all his friends play it and he needs to learn how to use the internet safely.

I hope this turns out to be nothing to worry about but trust your instincts.

fastwigglylines · 13/02/2021 23:00

My 12 year old understands that if he uses his devices in a way that I consider unsafe, he will lose them.

You don't need to take them off him forever, but you do need to let him know that this is really bloody serious.

I wouldn't make my DS feel bad or say he was in trouble if I thought he was being manipulated by an adult or older teen. Losing the devices would be punishment enough already. I'd explain it's about protecting him and that he can have them back when I trust him not to lie to me about who he's contacting.

caramac4 · 13/02/2021 23:01

Contact CEOP Child Exploitation and Online Protection command. Here's the link.
www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/

BillyIsMyBunny · 13/02/2021 23:03

11 is way too young to have unsupervised access to a smart phone. I think it’s reasonable to check it regularly and reasonable to say he can only use it when in communal areas of the house at his age and restrict times he can use it.

Hopefully the police can offer more advice.

Ancientruins · 13/02/2021 23:05

Haven't read full thread but this organisation should be able to help.
Good luck.

www.breckfoundation.org/

Sheleg · 13/02/2021 23:24

These sorts of games are an absolute magnet for nonces. I can't understand why so many people let their children play them.

Dilbertian · 13/02/2021 23:51

I would also inform his school - Form Tutor and Head of Tear. His schoolfriends are also at risk from this man's inappropriate attentions.

Littlepaws18 · 13/02/2021 23:57

Oh I absolutely feel for you. Something similar happened to a child I know and was blackmailed to send pictures. The whole thing came to light when he finally couldn't take the pressure anymore.

There are some great educational videos on YouTube made by ceop. Make sure you watch the age appropriate one because they are really hard hitting. But if he is not listening or doesn't understand the danger he is putting himself into then it may open his eyes.

Really hope you get this sorted, the world can be a wonderful place, but there are so many hidden dangers- all I can say is I'm so so glad I was a teenager pre internet!

justilou1 · 13/02/2021 23:59

I would agree notifying school about this - also, he is going to feel that you have invaded his private space, betrayed his trust, etc... Your son is going to be traumatized and defensive. He isn’t mature enough to handle this on his own (even if he probably understands that you are acting in his best interests... Also, this guy might be intimating that he has enough information about your DA to “out” him or hold other personal information about him over him as leverage to continue communicating - be aware that these people are VERY clever and very subtle in grabbing hold.) School should be able to assist with emergency counselling, which I think your son is going to need.

SneezyGonzalez · 14/02/2021 00:07

This person is grooming your son, he is 11, being gay is no excuse, report it to the police.

Tbh it does seem to be an issue amongst gay men and boys...years ago I remember a friend came out (he was 17) apparently he was known as a “spring chicken”.....a friends teenage son is gay and she has said there have been issues with older men trying to strike up a friendship with him online.

Also talk to your son about his sexuality so he feels less need to seek comfort in older men

icegarden · 14/02/2021 00:15

Op it can happen. In lockdown millions of parents are resorting to letting their kids game with head sets on that wouldn't normally. Kids are on for much longer than usual. Media have been saying it's a groomers paradise as a result. A ban won't help his mental health. I know plenty of 9 yr olds playing on line with random strangers and parents not concerned

Wanderbust · 14/02/2021 08:44

"Well, I’ve checked his phone tonight (which I’m upset at having to do really but unless I keep an eye I don’t know what else to do)".

I think you should be checking it regularly, and letting him know why. It's to keep him safe.

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