8 year old sleep help [sad]

[Eeve]

Apologise, posting in Chat for traffic.

I'm at the end of my tether with DD, 8. She doesn't sleep through the night, well, not in her own bed.

I have to lie with her for her to fall asleep (else she will stay up all night, reading - I've tried or will just keep coming in to me). When she gets up I put her back, but I've got a very emotionally intense job that I can't do if I'm tired, so I end up falling asleep with her, or letting her sleep with me.

Context - her DF and I are divorced (when she was 3) and he doesn't mind the sleep thing, he'll just let her in the bed. I'm remarried and whilst DH doesn't mind, I want a full nights sleep.

DD says she doesn't know why. She promises to try during the day, but gets scared, I think at night. We've tried reward charts but they don't work and she gets upset as she knows I'm disappointed but she really can't help it.

I'm desperate.

That was my daughter’s main worry, someone coming in and maybe taking her as she is closest to the stairs. She said she was worried we wouldn’t hear she had been taken. That was the main thing that bothered her so that’s why my DH stayed downstairs to reassure her and we talked about where we lived and that the doors were locked and that it was very unlikely to ever happen and we would always hear if someone came in. She has grown out of it now but it was exhausting at the time. The bed in our room definitely helped too as she would just come and get in if she woke in the night and we made sure the bed was the furthest from the door to reassure her. Even when we go on holiday and stay in a hotel she always has to have the bed furthest from the door!

We did have a bed in our room for ages, and it worked okay. I got rid of it though, worrying that it was stopping her from being able to stay in her own bed!

I had a similar problem with our daughter when she was a similar age. We tried what felt like everything. In the end I put an inflatable bed on the floor beside my bed and told her she could come and get into that whenever she needed to (always went to sleep in her bed first with me sat in the room either working on laptop or watching tv on iPad) not ideal but after around 6-9 months she started sleeping through.

I'm honestly so relieved to hear that we're not the only ones!

DH thinks putting a bed back in our room is a step backwards, but I guess it sounds like maybe not

Okay, I've just had a quick chat with DD and her little face lit up when I suggested moving the just-in-case bed back into my room, little sausage.

Thank everyone. Hearing that a few children still have these issues at her age has been really reassuring. Hopefully I'll get a decent night's sleep again without being bruised from DD's knobbly knees and elbows!

Mines 4 so slightly different but we did the same with her older brother. We have a slide out sleepover bed in a bag thing under our bed that she can slide out herself. She has to start in her bedroom asleep. I went from sitting in the room to in the doorway to in the room next door while she falls asleep. Basically the disappearing chair method. The idea is to keep their stress low and move slowly. Then if she wakes in the night she's welcome to come in our room and slide out the bedroll thing but she mustn't wake us. I made the bedroll 'boy' colours and not very warm! There has to be some incentive to stay in your own very warm bed!

The ‘just incase bed’ is a great compromise - DS2 is nearly 11 and has never sleep through the night, unless he’s with me!!

We have the spare and it really does make it better, I think it takes a lot of the worry away so he now will often go to sleep on his own and not come in until 3/4am. Some nights it doesn’t work and he wants to just be in with me straightaway so we just let him and don’t make a big deal of it.

Despite some previous posters opinions he’s neither unhappy or in need of help. He’s a confident, articulate, happy child by day but for some reason just a crap sleeper.

We had sleep training with a therapist about 2 years ago and it made things worse as it made him feel he had a problem and was being bad despite our constant reassurances.

For context his brother is an amazing sleeper and always has been so it’s not our parenting or lack of routine either.

I have “mummy’s chair” in my daughters room - a nice comfy chair in her room that I’m happy to sit in (I sometimes read my phone etc) whilst she falls asleep. I never actually get in the bed with her (well I have on a very rare cocasion) so she gets used to sleeping by herself, but she’s happy that “mummy is in her chair” so she can see me and hear me. When she wakes in the night I tell her I will come and sit down in “my chair” but we’ll keep the lights off. It means I have some time sitting there twiddling my thumbs in the dark but overall she doesn’t wake up now, she’s used to her bed. For me, the association with another body in bed (the warmth etc) is hard to break once they get used to it.

My 8yo son is the same. He's started falling asleep with an audio book but sometimes still gets up and comes into my bed in the night. Not sure what else to do!

I have a child with ADHD who doesn't sleep well. Or rather he doesn't sleep well alone. He sleeps fantastically if DH or I sleep next to him all night.

DH and I are both medical professionals and need our sleep so it has caused a lot of angst.

Where we're at now (and what is working):

Accepting that ADHD is a type of neuroatypicality, with clear delays in brain maturation and that his inability to sleep alone may well be in part biological. We accept that infants sleep better (and more safely) with a grown up breathing and moving next to them...so perhaps we need to more readily accept this with atypical kids.

He now has a double bed in his room so that he can have an adult with him, we take turns.

After a few weeks of bedding down with him without resisting this, he trusted us to get him down to sleep, go downstairs for a couple of hours before coming back to him. He knows one of us always will. I suspect that if we let him down on this at all, we'd be back at square 1 with him not allowing us to leave him.

He gets melatonin at bedtime which helps with us getting him down and getting away to have a child free evening and unwind before joining him.

We're finding that as time passes, with him trusting that we are going to be there without question, we actually find him more willing to let go a little. We recently got him a Yoto player and he actually sent my husband away before he was asleep a few times this week, so he could listen to an audiobook. I think he will gradually become more independent with sleep as long as we are patient and allow him to feel secure in the idea that we are there for him as long as he needs us to be.

My 9yr old has the smiling mind app every night she listens to a 6min mindfulness relaxation session which really helps her calm her active whirly mind.
My sister used the spare bed in their room trick for years with her DS who is on the spectrum. Even at 12 he occasionally wakes and comes in to use it when he needs reassurance. I think just do what works for you and eventually things pan out with time.

OP, I could really relate to your post. Dd8 now sets up her bed in my room. She doesnt even try to sleep in her room.
However now her younger sisters have joined in. Trying to get out of the bed during the night means treading carefully.
I do sympathise with dd but I really want my room back now.

I spoke to the GP as I was worried dd8 might need medication to help with melatonin but its definitely an anxiety thing and she is SUCH a sweetheart during the day- its just the nights that give her the problem. She even described it as a phobia.
As for dd4 and dd5 they are just coping big sister and are in my room for fun

How would you feel about pets OP? I used to be scared of 'things under the bed' until I had house rabbits (and one was so bloody fierce no monsters would have dared lurk there with him around!). I wouldn't recommend a hamster as they're so active at night, but maybe gerbils or rats? Obviously only if YOU want them and are willing to care for them their whole lives. Having my bunnies around really helped with my anxiety.

I think just having the reassurance of being able to go into the bed in your room will help with the anxiety and take some of the stress away about bedtimes. My DD used to come in in the night and wouldn’t even wake us up, she would just be in the bed in our room in the morning. That way we all got a good nights sleep. She just stopped doing it when she got to 10 and slept in her own bed all night. She’s nearly 13 now and has no sleep issues at all. She never needed to see anyone about it and we never made her feel like it was a big problem, that’s not to say that I wasn’t worried about it but as she got older the ‘burglar’ worries lessened and eventually went away. I quite miss seeing her little face asleep in the morning to be honest! Although now she’s nearly a teenager she would be mortified to do it now!

I used to get into bed with my mum and dad every night at about midnight until I was 11/12 (yes I feel sorry for them looking back) and they tried everything to get me in my own bed. I went to get in one night and my mum started talking in her sleep and was making really creepy noises. I went back into my own bed and stayed in there every night

@FurrySlipperBoots we have two cats who are much adored by DD (cats are her 'special interest'). Initially, they helped, but the two of them sometimes decide to play silly buggers in the middle of the night and scramble over the bed, waking her up 🤣

What I'm hearing is, "what will be will be". That in itself is really helpful! It's not through poor parenting that this is happening (despite what some on the thread have suggested).

She's obviously genuinely very anxious. I would try getting her used to being alone in bed for short periods on her own, gradually getting longer. So night 1, settle her into bed and tell her to just lie there and try to go to sleep and you'll be there in 2 minutes because you just need to do X. Leave a light on if necessary (maybe just on the landing) and stick to the 2 minutes. Then in a couple of nights try 5 mins, then a bit later 10 and so on. If she's reassured that you'll be there in a minute, she might relax enough to realise that she can be on her own and nothing bad will happen. Hopefully she'll eventually be relaxed enough to fall asleep on her own.
Given her age and how long this has gone on for, I think it may be a very slow process.

We had this.
It was so tough and we never thought it would end but it did.

We found a book called “What to do if you dread your bed” really helped. It’s written in a really child friendly way.

The root cause for my dd was fear. She would rather be told off for constantly coming downstairs (when our patience was shredded) than be on her own. Any company was preferable to being on her own. The more I “gave in” the better she was but it was hard to go against my natural instinct that she must stay in her bed and do as she was told. I had no such issues with my first daughter so this was new ground for me!! I made many mistakes!

You have my sympathies OP it was a tough couple of years but it did pass. 8 years old tends to be the first hormone surge and it is a tricky age for friendships too.

OP we have an anxious 9 year old though mainly around school and new activities. We are doing Timid to Tiger which has an RCT behind it I believe. It's supposed to be a group thing with parents but we are doing it with the therapist and us, with DS dropping in to say hello a few times. He likes her and has no idea she's trying to therapise him!

My dd was like this. We had CAHMS and everything.

In the end l ignored all their advice and put a bed in our room. She slept there happily from about 8 to her 13th birthday. She then departed to her own room on her 13th birthday. She’s 14 now and never leaves her room🤷🏼‍♀️

I appreciate this may not be the answer for you. But when you Google it or ask around loads of tweens are scared to sleep on their own. I was, both my Sil were.

I’m really glad I ignored all the professional advice ( she’ll never separate😄) or she’ll never sleep alone. What crap. She’s a teen and well on her way now to full separation.

Some people may say be firm or whatever. That NEVER worked for me, it made me worse. Because then l was scared to sleep alone, but also too scared to say anything. That’s why l handled my daughter differently.

I agree it isn’t poor parenting at all. I have a DS who has ASD so you would assume it would be him who would have struggled more than DD, but he has never had any issues with sleeping and never needed to come into our room. I think it’s quite common, especially at her age but it won’t be for ever.

My middle daughter went through this phase - I don't think you need to see a therapist, some children are just more clingy for longer.

What helped for us, I used to get her comfy with the thought that I would sleep with her. This would go on for a few nights.

Then about a week later, I would say something along the lines of "I've forgotten to send an important email/load the dishwasher etc etc" and pop downstairs for 5-10 mins then go back to lie with her.

Then I developed a routine of something urgent I had to do every night (I used to say packed lunches ready for next day), then I'd join her after half hour.

Finally, I said that I had to work late on the laptop and would a bit later coming up. This would then be the routine every night (I wasnt working on the laptop, I was watching TV and eating chocolate).

I did sleep with her for a few weeks (she had a double bed). But then I rejoined dh in my bed. I lied to her and said that I did go into her bed but she took all the room so I couldn't sleep!

Now and again I would join her again in her bed and she would be delighted when she woke up and I would be in her bed.

She's now 12 and is a completely independant sleeper. Although, when dh works away I do offer her to sleep with me and she still loves it.

We have since had a dog - who a very short-haired non moulting dog and she sleeps with dd every night.

Sorry for the long post - it's just what worked for us, It took a few weeks to implement but I don't think there's a quick fix for this type of thing.

My youngest DD would resist sleep. Her sister and I welcomed it. In order to survive, we disengaged from her problem. So she went to her room at "bedtime" every night but she was allowed to keep the lights on and could read or play quietly as long as she wanted. Only no electronics and no going to the kitchen for snacks. If she stayed away until daylight, that was okay -- but she was still getting up with everyone else at 7:30a.
For the first few weeks she was cranky and sleepy all day but no naps were allowed. Then she got to the point where she would sleep at night with all her lights on. Now as an adult, she still has to have all the lights on, her dog in her bed and listens to an audio book to go to sleep, but she does it herself and gets enough sleep to get up and get to work on time.

My DD8 is similar, until v recently had to have one of us in the room til she fell asleep and then if woke in the night would come to us. She has no anxiety issues and can’t say really why she needs it but does say she gets ‘scared’ going to sleep on her own. Doesn’t help her bedroom is on different floor to ours. Haven’t cracked the coming through in the night thing, but we did make small progress in getting her to go to sleep by herself - rather than sitting by her side until she drops off I go into another room on the same floor, checking on her every 15-20 minutes until she drops off. Still not perfect but it’s progress! And as in another room can relax a bit more, watch iPad etc so doesn’t feel quite like losing the evening