Oh help . Have just told family I’m moving out .

[desperatelyneedingidependance]

Now having a massive wobble .

I’m currently living at home with my mum, who has disabilities and needs some level of care (variable) . I’m thirty . I’m studying from home distance learning but have been offered to take up a place face to face learning when and if covid retreats a bit .

I’ve told the uni I’m happy with that . I’ve explained to my mum who says she’s happy with that .

I’ve just explained to my mum’s mother - my gran - who is utterly devastated - almost in tears .

I’m thirty, I want to have relationships, sex, friends, to go out in the evening, to go on holiday, to have my own money, to make my own choices, to make mistakes and to feel independent .

At present I can’t do any of those things - it’s my mums house so her choices etc .

I know I’m going to get a big backlash from family for making this choice and terrified of what’s coming next, hands are shaking but did I do the right thing ?

I keep remembering a conversation with my GP several years ago, GP said to me if I didn’t start putting myself first I’d end up 70, alone and realising I never really had a life .

I’m thirty and already realising I’ve lost out on a lot .

I’m not sure if I’ve done the right thing and if making that decision is just selfish, I’ve already talked to my mums MH team and GP who are in full support, but I’m so worried . I don’t want to fail my mum in some way .

Your mum being ill doesn't mean you don't get to have a life.

"I’m thirty, I want to have relationships, sex, friends, to go out in the evening, to go on holiday, to have my own money, to make my own choices, to make mistakes and to feel independent ."

This bit of your post has worried me though. Do you not get to do any of these things at the moment?

I’m not sure why my gran is so upset - I think yes, wanting me to support her too with things, but I have sixteen cousins, several uncles and aunts and a huge wider family, most of whom are in driving distance - it doesn’t all need to depend on me .

Read the above back to yourself op. There are other people who can help.

Your GP is so right op, you absolutely must live your life, already you have lost so much time. You can now make up for it. What you have done already is incredible, and supportive of your mother. But now you really must enjoy your life.

Otherwise all you will do is care for your mother to the end of your days. Your life is very valuable and precious too. You sound like a wonderful person, truly lovely.

Your grandmother sounds upset because she is used to putting the responsibility on you, but that has been a very unfair and unkind thing to do. Others can step now and help, and there are plenty of agencies that can assist.

Please don't wobble. Keep going op, go now whilst you still can and be very proud of everything you have already done.

I say that as a person with my own health problems, significant health problems, and it would break my heart for either of my dd's to sacrifice themselves and their lives for me. It would devastate me more than my illness. I could not let them in fact. It saddens me that no one seems to care the price you are paying for this op.

So please come back to this thread when you feel shaky, and know we are behind you. 100% and I am sure your GP does not dish out that kind of advice lightly.

Don't let them know you are wobbling OP. Stay strong.

Don’t wobble, get out of there! You’re doing the right thing! Go have noisy safe sex!!!!

Well done OP. Your Mum sounds lovely and supportive. Despite needing help she knows you have to spread your wings and will appreciate all the help you have gave her up till now. That's what a good Mum does.
The rest of the family are just being selfish. Sod them.

I'm sure your mum wants you to enjoy your life and live it to the full. Your gran is probably just scared of change.

100% you are doing the right thing. Life is short and you need to start living independently and enjoying your freedom

I'm glad you're listening to your GP.

You're not failing your mum or you nan. Frankly, they've failed you by not encouraging you to go have a life of your own when you reached adulthood. They would be massively failing you by trying to get you to stay.

You have a right to a life. It's not your responsibility to put yourself last and look after them.

What you want to do is absolutely not selfish. Anyone who tells you it is - well they are doing that for their own selfish reasons and THEY are the ones being selfish.

In plane safety briefings and first aid training you are always told you look after yourself first. It’s time to start doing that now.

After the year we've all had I think everyone should be living their best life, and not turning down opportunities, you never know what's around the corner, a year of lockdowns due to Covid has taught us that.

Good luck OP and congrats :)

This seemed to happen a lot in my grandparents generation, large families and 1 daughter would normally be appointed by the siblings to be the one to stay at home and ultimately look after the parents when they got older ( this is maybe where your gran got the idea) We now live in 2021 shake off the constraints of family expectations and live your own life.

You arent failing your DM or your DGM but if you allow either of them to talk you out of this then you will be failing you.

We moved abroad in our 30s. DM was heartbroken at the time, convinced she would never see any of us again. 6 weeks later she came to visit for a week and this was repeated every 6 weeks or so for the next 5 years.

At the time she was difficult and made some decisions which she regretted later. But we kept paying for her to come visit. Now she looks back on those regular visits with fondness and realises she was in a lot better position than many.

Moral of this tale: do what is right for you, acknowledge the upset your decision is causing with kindness but dont let that upset change your mind.

LOVE the plane safety advice!

You are 30. They should have expected this years ago. I am 30 next month and I moved out at 21 and now have my own house and 2 kids. I live in a different country to my parents! You are doing what is right for you, and every 30 year old needs their own space to cook for themselves and watch their own TV and screw whoever they want. Dont fall for the emotional manipulation. They are putting themselves before you and tieing you to them because you make their life easier. They are adults. They should stand on their own 2 feet, and you are completely within your right to stand on your own 2 feet. I wish you the best of luck

You have done the best thing!!

Some parents can be selfish and want you to stay with them all of the time - not always from a place of malice but just because they love you so much but they need to learn to let you go.

You only regret the things you don't do!

Looking forward to reading about your new life at Uni, you must write on here please and take us with you !
Onwards OP. Everything will be ok.

Looking forward to reading about your new life at Uni, you must write on here please and take us with you !

Yes please do OP!! Keep us updated as you go along :)

You're doing the right thing. You were not born for the sole purpose of being her carer. You have to live your life now, better at 30 than never. I remember when I was little, a lady around 40 still living with her mother and caring for her (as she had a slight disability). The ladys mother died in her 90s. This lady reached retirement having having a boyfriend/married/ kids/close friends nor moved out. I thought it was sad and a waste of a life. Social services and family will always help out. You go and live your life.

I completely sympathise with OP wanting her own life and space, especially at 30. Its natural and not selfish to want your own place.

Back in the 1960s when I began work my parents saw me as a "cash cow" to supplement my father's income and my mother immediately gave up work. Even when I was a student on a grant and qualifying in a profession I was only allowed to do so on condition that I went on paying for my "keep" as much as when I was working! That was a hard three year slog. My princess of a sister had to be kept in nice clothes and frilly topped socks. I had the impression that every pound I paid for my "board" went straight onto my sisters back. At her age I had been sent to school with cardboard in my shoes and second hand skirts from the rag market.

My father said "Do what you like, its all the same to me so long as you dont keep your mother short while your waltzing around being a student". Neither of my parents could see the sense of making sacrifices for a girl. After all, I was only going to "get married and have babies". Im sorry to say that was the attitude back then among many working class people. They had no faith in the value of education to life a young person out of poverty.

Eventually I did qualify and immediately was promoted and earning a good salary. I never told my parents how much I earned. Then my sister left work to become a single mother so my mother told me "You will have to tip up more money from next month because we have all this expense of the baby". I was tempted to ask "Am I supposed to work to keep my sister and her child as well as myself?"

Instead I told my mother, with some satisfaction, that I would be moving out a week on friday! She has no idea I had waited almost 5 months for a new build flat to be finished and all my newly purchased furniture was stored at my grandmothers house. Her one concern was - how are we going to manage on one man's wages.

My mother then went into the other room and had a screaming fit of hysterics. If my parents had shown any support or made sacrifices when I was studying to qualify I would have helped them in return. Instead I was nothing but a money machine to them.

That’s so sad @Beautiful3 I bet that still hurts.

You go live your life. I did similar in my early thirties and once I got my wings there was no stopping me. I’m very happy now, no regrets.

@sneakysnoopysniper

I completely sympathise with OP wanting her own life and space, especially at 30. Its natural and not selfish to want your own place.

Back in the 1960s when I began work my parents saw me as a "cash cow" to supplement my father's income and my mother immediately gave up work. Even when I was a student on a grant and qualifying in a profession I was only allowed to do so on condition that I went on paying for my "keep" as much as when I was working! That was a hard three year slog. My princess of a sister had to be kept in nice clothes and frilly topped socks. I had the impression that every pound I paid for my "board" went straight onto my sisters back. At her age I had been sent to school with cardboard in my shoes and second hand skirts from the rag market.

My father said "Do what you like, its all the same to me so long as you dont keep your mother short while your waltzing around being a student". Neither of my parents could see the sense of making sacrifices for a girl. After all, I was only going to "get married and have babies". Im sorry to say that was the attitude back then among many working class people. They had no faith in the value of education to life a young person out of poverty.

Eventually I did qualify and immediately was promoted and earning a good salary. I never told my parents how much I earned. Then my sister left work to become a single mother so my mother told me "You will have to tip up more money from next month because we have all this expense of the baby". I was tempted to ask "Am I supposed to work to keep my sister and her child as well as myself?"

Instead I told my mother, with some satisfaction, that I would be moving out a week on friday! She has no idea I had waited almost 5 months for a new build flat to be finished and all my newly purchased furniture was stored at my grandmothers house. Her one concern was - how are we going to manage on one man's wages.

My mother then went into the other room and had a screaming fit of hysterics. If my parents had shown any support or made sacrifices when I was studying to qualify I would have helped them in return. Instead I was nothing but a money machine to them.

Oh god you can’t leave us hanging!! What happened then???