Herpes - and periods

[PPNC]

Name changed as I’m still ashamed of the stigma of diagnosis!

I was diagnosed with herpes after a rape. Probably had it for years but it was picked up as I got a coldsore genitally and was going through intense testing over 6 months. Wish they’d never found it as now I link it to the rape and don’t feel I can ever date again. Even though data says around 39% of women carry it genitally and 89% of the population have it orally.

Anyway I’ve never had any symptoms but have been run down in lockdown and have had 2 “outbreaks”, itching that goes away after a couple of days really so the symptoms are totally ok, the mental effects not so much. They have both been straight after my period and I think hormone changes/stress and using pads are irritating my skin.

I wondered if anyone else on here has had it and if they found an alternative to pads/tampax helped? What alternatives are there?? I need this to not happen every time and have always been sensitive to pads, even more so now they have added the stupid bloody scents to them!

Any ideas? Not sure I can cope with this every month. And please don’t judge me for carrying the virus I feel shit enough about it every time I hear a stupid joke on American TV :(

You could use reusable pads/period pants or moon cups?

Thank you, how do period pants work? Do you just throw them in the wash and are they made of cotton? I’ve never heard of them!

You rinse them out in cold water then I tend to just bung in a regular 30 degree wash but I use a laundry bag . Don't use softener a cap full of white vinegar works.

They come with washing instructions though. So don't worry about not knowing how to deal with them.

Reusable pads and cups are less irritating by a mile. Lock down is as good a time as any to get some and try them out.

Look at earthwise girls they do a good range.

And I'm.sorry for what happened to you.

I love my cup. I used to get horrible irritation with disposablw options but nothing these days. I also have a few washable pads. They're really much easier to deal with than you might think. Just get a couple of different sorts and see how you get on?

Also I get cold sores on my mouth and they are hormonal triggered. Get a good L-Lysine supplement and take regularly, then double the dose the week before your period. Should definitely help. Being stressed and run down are other triggers so just try and take care of yourself as much as you can

YY to Lysine for cold sores ^

I switched to organic and unbleached sanitary products a few cycles ago and can't believe the difference it's made, I find them much kinder down there (and to the planet!). I use Flo and Grace & Greene (Flo pads are a delight, so so soft)

And so truly sorry to hear about your experience. Please don't be ashamed, as you say there is a large population of people who have herpes in some form. Try not to be so hard on yourself

I think I remember your last thread. I second trying period pants to see if that helps.

As an aside, the herpes viruses association have a virtual 'how to talk to a new partner' day this month.They talk about the facts, the stigma, the questions you might get asked and how to answer them etc. It's to help people navigate dating with hsv.

Thank you all. Yes @Skyecat I have posted before, not about the period trigger but about struggling with the virus and in various forms about the shitshow of a rape case. I will take a look at that talk thank you x

The shame belongs to the rapist; you have nothing to feel ashamed about.

The pads from www.etsy.com/uk/shop/RagHagShop are soft and comfortable.

Thank you, I know but worried if/when I have to tell someone I also have to tell them about the rape or they’ll think badly of me.

Anyway definitely going to try those links thank you

You aren't obliged to tell someone how you acquired hsv.

Once you explain the stats, the fact most people are asymptomatic or get symptoms so minor they go unnoticed /undiagnosed, the fact that antibody blood tests aren't 100% reliable, the grey areas around disclosure, how transmission can occur when the virus is shedding asymptomatically it should be clear that this virus can affect anyone.

Sorry, somehow missed out the most important one. That the NHS doesn't test for hsv unless someone has symptoms, and of course most people are asymptomatic /have minor/unnoticed symptoms.

I do need to understand all that, I started looking into it but it just made me feel like I’ll never be “clean” enough again, but at the same time confused by the illogical nature of having to mention something when it’s pretty much unavoidable anyway.

So I’ve just opted out completely and feel sad.

Or there are reusable pads. Treat them exactly the same way as period pants. Use them, cold soak them and then wash normally. There are a load of options if you do a quick google!

I do understand what you're saying. It's not inevitable that transmission will occur in a discordant relationship though.

Asymptomatic shedding is tricky as without swabbing yourself daily it's impossible to know whether the virus is 'active', and shedding rates vary from person to person.

That said, unprotected sex outside of an outbreak has a transmission risk of 4% female to make. So, not as high as you may think. Add condoms and/or antivirals and that risk goes down to 2%.

The difficulty is there isn't a way to remove the risk entirely. But a diagnosed person knows what symptoms to be aware of, whereas an undiagnosed person won't.

Disclosing offers your partner an informed choice.

I just want to say you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I'm so sorry for whats happened to you

No advice re period protection as I never managed to resolve that (no period pants in my day, they sound fab) but just wanted to give you some hope/positivity about the hpv. I was diagnosed aged 27 but pretty sure I'd contracted it a few years previously, I had quite severe and frequent outbreaks for probably 10 years and had resigned myself to living with it forever. And then they just stopped, I'm ancient now and haven't had an outbreak in many, many years, I never even think about it anymore. My experience isn't unusual either and a lot of people have outbreaks for considerably less than the 10 years i suffered, it's not always anything like the life sentence I know it feels like for you now. It won't always be this bad, physically or mentally, I know how you're feeling at this stage but I promise it gets better, I hope it helps a little to know that

Thanks all.

@Skyecat yes to be honest I’m going to have to disclose if I choose to date again anyway because I couldn’t live with the morality of a “secret” like that. So I’m just avoiding it.

@Weirdfan thank you it does help, you don’t need to answer but did you tell people and did life end up finding someone who could accept it?

Just worried I’ll be rejected again and again for something beyond my control and every time it happens it will be like he took another piece of me away. I’ve told 2 people so far to test my bravery, one was an ex who we chose to hang out and are friends, he didn’t care, but then he knew the whole story anyway. One was new dating and he basically went from adoring me and chasing the sexual element to rejection and ghosting. That was the last time for me haven’t really recovered from it.

Sorry taking off track from original question!

Medication is what works. Acyclovir tablets. You can buy them online from Lloyd's - they will prescribe them online and send them to you without you needing to see the docs but you may have to say you've had them before. If you go to the std clinic, and I'm guessing you're too embarrassed, that's what they will give you. The online pharmacist doesn't need to access your medical records.

I'm surprised you didn't have a really bad initial bout of it - it was a excruciating. I've had a few flare ups through lockdown - it definitely stress related for me.

I had to tell numerous docs, MWs etc I had it in my pregnancy and I'm pretty immune to any raised eyebrows (although one consultant was a complete twat about it). I got in a state about telling my partner about it when we met - he wasn't bothered. You drum it up in your head like it's the end of the world - it isn't. They are just cold sores. There are 2 strains, and one of them is exactly the same virus that caused a cold sore on your face. Please don't drum this up to be more than it is. Around a third of the uk population has one form or the other

And I told my partner when we were starting to become sexually intimate (well, just before). Have you ever been on a first date and had the person with say "There's something you should know..." before confessing they get cold sores? No they don't. I can't remember any of my exs confessing that to me, but statistically (not that there were all that many, but) several of them had to have got cold sores and known about it.

I would tell them, but there's a time and a place. And it will be a strong indicator of whether a man genuinely wants something meaningful or he's looking to make another conquest. It really isn't something you need to wear a badge for.

1 more thing! As another poster said, it does gradually get fewer and further in between. As I say, it was very bad for me to start with, but now I get a sore every few months ago - always stress/tiredness/illness induced. Acyclovir takes away any pain and discomfort within a few hours. You can take it preventatively - I did at the end of my pregnancy as it can be dangerous in babies if it's passed on during birth (hence me harping on about it to MW etc). I took it for 3 or 4 months and not a single outbreak. I don't bother now as it's a complete nonissue even if it does start.

Thank you @NameChangeTooo it helps to hear of a success story post diagnosis!

It’s odd as I had no sign, they picked it up during the post rape testing, though there must have been something there or they wouldn’t have found it I guess. My mind links catching it to the rape but I’ve thought and thought and THOUGHT about it and the only other thing I can come up with is many many years ago on holiday with ex DH I had thrush that felt absolutely awful, worse than I’d ever had before. Maybe that was the initial outbreak so I already had it? Ex DH was unfaithful and he used to get coldsores on the mouth. I almost want to convince myself that was the start not the man who raped me, but just don’t know.

I suppose I ought to just be grateful it wasn’t something worse.

Second raghag pads linked above, or honour your flow are very soft

To add for washing them
I put them on a rinse cycle then wash with no fabric conditioner but add some dettol/fabulosa laundry cleanser
Best thing I ever did swapping to reusable, they're really comfortable

I don't have herpes but i can't use tampons/mooncups and I hate disposable pads. I use Tulip period pants and they are amazing and very easy to wash.

Have you ever listened to The Happiness Lab podcast? There is an episode specifically on someone diagnosed with herpes and how they came to terms with it. It's really worth a listen. I am so sorry about what happened to you x