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Original poster

Honestly what would you think if someone had a termination then got pregnant again? TW abortion and Mh issues.

41 replies

spikeyelephant · 08/02/2021 11:14

I've name changed for this as I wasnt sure I wanted this post associated with my usual name.

Basically last summer I fell pregnant. At the same time I was really struggling with my mental health and couldn't cope with the pregnancy basically. I was having panic attacks and intrusive thoughts about harming myself etc. Without going into too much detail it was a dark time for me and I ended up having a termination at 8 weeks. It was the only way out I could see and it devastated me and DH.

Straight away I knew I needed help and have been on ADs and having counselling ever since. By Dec I felt completely different and we decided we would think about trying again. Anyway it happened straight away and now I'm approaching 12 weeks. I'm really happy and excited about becoming a mum and all the dread and darkness from last time is hardly there, although I am still aware that anxiety and depression can be lifelong. I feel mostly 'normal' for want of a better word, but its also come with a lot of guilt that it happened so fast and other feelings that I'm working through on the side.

Last time around I told my parents and my cousin who I'm really close to. It wasnt really a happy announcement but I was a wreck and needed the support. They were incredible and supported me through the whole thing including my desicion to terminate.

This time around I haven't told anyone. I've told DH that I want to wait for the 12 week scan, which is true, but its mainly because I feel ashamed and embarrassed about telling the people who know about last time.

I'm scared they will view me negatively, start thinking that I should have tried harder last time because I would have been better by the time the baby arrived anyway.

So I was just wondering what people on here would think if the same thing happened with one of your family members? Would you be pleased or feel slightly/very negatively toward them?

OP posts:
DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 08/02/2021 11:21

If you were my friend or family member I would be pleased you were feeling better now, chuffed to bits that you were pregnant again and glad you were feeling better able to cope with baby.

There is not a single bit of me that would judge you, you made the same decision I would have, in your circumstances.

Congratulations, don't fret. Speak to your family first and their support will show you what your friends will say.

Twizbe · 08/02/2021 11:21

Tbh, it wouldn't matter what anyone else thought.

You have your own valid reasons to not continue with your last pregnancy. The situation now is different and you clearly feel more positive.

Focus on the good and positive and don't give headspace to the negative

MadameButterface · 08/02/2021 11:23

I would be thrilled for you and so so happy that you are feeling better. The only person who gets to decide what a woman should do with her own body is the woman in question.

borntohula · 08/02/2021 11:24

Nothing, it's happened to me. Glad you're coping better mentally this time, early pregnancy really messed with my head too.

FlippinNoah · 08/02/2021 11:25

I would be very pleased for you as you are very excited. Your family sound very supportive, I think once they're sure you're happy and well, they'll be excited with you.

SarahAndQuack · 08/02/2021 11:26

I think people don't always talk about it, but it's very common to get pregnant after a termination because people have terminations for so many reasons. I know someone who was very, very strongly advised to terminate recently because the medication she was on is contra-indicated in pregnancy; she managed to wean herself off it and is pregnant again. That is the reverse of your situation but it makes sense both ways. She couldn't carry on with the pregnancy because her medication needed to be sorted out. You couldn't carry on with the pregnancy because your medication needed to be sorted out.

I think if people have a problem with this, it indicates that they have an underlying belief that mental health conditions aren't 'real' or 'serious' and you could somehow just pull yourself together and cope if you needed to. This isn't true. You needed the medication to cope.

I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly.

squeekums · 08/02/2021 11:31

Happy for you
And glad you had the choice when you needed it to help you get to a better headspace

Meredithgrey1 · 08/02/2021 11:41

I’m almost in the same situation.
I had an abortion last summer because I still had bad PND, and couldn’t handle the thought of a second child, I mean I was borderline suicidal. Now I’m in a much better place, we’re considering starting to try for a second in a few months.
So I wouldn’t think anything negative about your situation.

pointythings · 08/02/2021 11:46

I would be glad that you were able to do what was necessary to work constructively on your mental health, I would be glad that you were now so much better that you were ready to have a baby, and I would wish you all the very best.

Tarantallegra · 08/02/2021 12:04

I'm scared they will view me negatively, start thinking that I should have tried harder last time because I would have been better by the time the baby arrived anyway.

I think this is is more about your own feelings than theirs and you should know that there's no way you could have possibly known you'd be better by now. Your decision was the right decision for you at the time and you were not able to be a mother at the time as you needed to get healthy enough to be a mother to this child.

You have said that your family were really supportive of you so I'm sure they will be just as supportive now, I really think they will make you feel a lot better if you talk to them.

In answer to your question, I would think that it takes a strong woman to admit when she can't do something and needs to get help and a wise woman that knows when she's ready to move on.

Congratulations on your happy news OP, be happy about it and don't feel ashamed because you have done nothing wrong Flowers

FoxyTheFox · 08/02/2021 12:44

I would think any less of a friend or family member for it, I'd think that last time wasn't the right time for you due to your health and this time it is.

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 08/02/2021 13:01

There would be no judgment from me. You did what you had to in the circumstances you were in at the time.

Congratulations on this pregnancy I hope it’s happy and healthy one.

LApprentiSorcier · 08/02/2021 13:04

I wouldn't think anything at all - none of my business. Congratulations on your pregnancy - I hope everything goes well.

mojitosnow · 08/02/2021 13:04

What great news that you’re in a better place now OP. Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers As PPs have said, I imagine that your loved ones will be very happy not only that you’re pregnant but also that your MH is improving.

AlexaPlayWhiteNoise · 08/02/2021 13:14

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere

If you were my friend or family member I would be pleased you were feeling better now, chuffed to bits that you were pregnant again and glad you were feeling better able to cope with baby.

There is not a single bit of me that would judge you, you made the same decision I would have, in your circumstances.

Congratulations, don't fret. Speak to your family first and their support will show you what your friends will say.

Every word of this. Please done beat yourself up. And congratulations Flowers
TotorosFurryBehind · 08/02/2021 13:22

Congratulations 💐 If I was your family my only concern would be wanting to support you as much as I could and I would urge you to tell someone you trust for this reason.

I've had MH issues in early pregnancy, it is much more common than people think as women feel ashamed to talk about it. There is this societal expectation that pregnant women should be really happy, but in reality pregnancy is a hormonal rollercoaster that makes even

Cotswoldmama · 08/02/2021 13:25

I'd be so happy for you and a bit relieved that you were feeling more yourself. Congratulations and good luck op x

TotorosFurryBehind · 08/02/2021 13:25

Oops...posted too soon. Anyway s pregnancy is tough, be gentle with yourself. Get as much support as possible. I'd urge you to ask your midwife for a referral to the perinatal mental health team now, so you are on their radar if you need further support during this pregnancy. Be aware that going through pregnancy again might bring up the feelings of grief from what happened last time. Sending hugs.

CausingChaos2 · 08/02/2021 13:32

You know your family best. What do you think their reaction would be? I supported someone close to me who had two accidental pregnancies and two resulting terminations. I don’t judge them or hold it against them at all.

Xerochrysum · 08/02/2021 13:39

You are in the position that you are happy and ready now because of the decision you made in the past.
I would fully support you and be very happy for you.
Sometimes you need to make a hard choice. But don't let the past bring you down. You have a responsibility and joy to look forward to. Take care of yourself.
congratulations.

Original poster
spikeyelephant · 08/02/2021 14:18

These responses have made me well up. Thank you all for your kind words Flowers

OP posts:
TornadoOfSouls · 08/02/2021 14:19

I’d be pleased for you - I am pleased for you and I don’t even know you!

strawberriesontheNeva · 08/02/2021 15:33

I would be happy that your life is in a better place than it was when you had your last pregnancy. There's no point in punishing yourself forever.

NinaMimi · 08/02/2021 15:43

I think it’d be irrational to be certain that things would have just worked out if you didn’t have the abortion. You’ve no idea how it would have worked out - maybe it would have just brought stress and you wouldn’t have recovered so well. So I wouldn’t worry about people judging you on some hypothetical situation. I know I wouldn’t.

Cherrysoup · 08/02/2021 16:01

I think I’d just be happy you were happy.

If you were using it as a form of contraception like one of my old uni house mates-5 terminations over 2 years because her boyfriend was Catholic and didn’t believe in contraception*-then I’d judge, but this is totally different.

*True story, I was horrified.