Honestly what would you think if someone had a termination then got pregnant again? TW abortion and Mh issues.

[spikeyelephant]

I've name changed for this as I wasnt sure I wanted this post associated with my usual name.

Basically last summer I fell pregnant. At the same time I was really struggling with my mental health and couldn't cope with the pregnancy basically. I was having panic attacks and intrusive thoughts about harming myself etc. Without going into too much detail it was a dark time for me and I ended up having a termination at 8 weeks. It was the only way out I could see and it devastated me and DH.

Straight away I knew I needed help and have been on ADs and having counselling ever since. By Dec I felt completely different and we decided we would think about trying again. Anyway it happened straight away and now I'm approaching 12 weeks. I'm really happy and excited about becoming a mum and all the dread and darkness from last time is hardly there, although I am still aware that anxiety and depression can be lifelong. I feel mostly 'normal' for want of a better word, but its also come with a lot of guilt that it happened so fast and other feelings that I'm working through on the side.

Last time around I told my parents and my cousin who I'm really close to. It wasnt really a happy announcement but I was a wreck and needed the support. They were incredible and supported me through the whole thing including my desicion to terminate.

This time around I haven't told anyone. I've told DH that I want to wait for the 12 week scan, which is true, but its mainly because I feel ashamed and embarrassed about telling the people who know about last time.

I'm scared they will view me negatively, start thinking that I should have tried harder last time because I would have been better by the time the baby arrived anyway.

So I was just wondering what people on here would think if the same thing happened with one of your family members? Would you be pleased or feel slightly/very negatively toward them?

I would be happy for you, it has nothing to do with anyone else.

Thank you all so much.

You’re not wrong to think there might be judgment but who cares, you can’t control what other people think of you and it doesn’t matter. There’d be zero judgment from me, I’d just be happy that you were happy

If I knew why you'd had the termination I would worry about you getting I'll again but it would be concern for someone I loved, not judgement.

If I just knew you got pregnant by DH and had an abortion and then got pregnant happily again 6 months later I would wonder why but I'd only judge of you were quote cavalier about the abortion

You did what you felt was best at that time.
Nobody has the right to judge you.

@SleepingStandingUp

If I knew why you'd had the termination I would worry about you getting I'll again but it would be concern for someone I loved, not judgement.

If I just knew you got pregnant by DH and had an abortion and then got pregnant happily again 6 months later I would wonder why but I'd only judge of you were quote cavalier about the abortion

must women be devastated and dwell deeply upon having had an abortion? What’s wrong with a cavalier attitude towards it?

Of course not, and my having an opinion or silently making a judgement doesn't make you wrong, it makes me judgemental and thus human.

It wouldn't be the cavalier attitude to abortion - "got pregnant, oops, sort it, yay!" I wouldn't have much of an opinion of. It would be that followed by a pretty quick pregnancy to keep when nothing much had materially changed.

Should the woman hang her head in shame and weep? Of course not. Should she not keep this baby? Of course she should if she wants. Am I, for weakness of not being perfect allowed to have personal thought on that? Yes.

And it isn't even a cavalier attitude and then a choosing to concieve, more a ooh how do I keep ending up pregnant?

@SleepingStandingUp

And it isn't even a cavalier attitude and then a choosing to concieve, more a ooh how do I keep ending up pregnant?

Really, you wouldn't just think... hmmm she didnt want to be pregnant then for her own reasons, and she does now

In honesty, in the situation in your OP I would be most worried that if your mental health and/or life circumstances were bad enough to abort not long ago, you might still be vulnerable or prone to further issues under the stress of pregnancy and a newborn now.

In normal life if I knew you had had a recent termination but not the details I would probably assume that you were TTC the whole time but something unfortunate had come up on the scan during the previous pregnancy, and that you were keeping the exact details private.

@VinterKvinna I guess if wonder what had changed and whether

There's a few important points here though.

I'm totally ok with you or others thinking in wrong / stupid / awful and don't intend to defend my personal thoughts because you're not wrong either

If this was someone I didn't really know, is think it and carry on with my life.

If this was someone I was kinda close to is support them without comment or question

If this was someone I was close to is talk to them and check if they were actually ok and what I could do to support them.

It’s not like you had an abortion because you were going on holiday or something. You were very unwell and you weren’t aware of how you would be feeling in a few months time. You did what was best at the time. Your feelings are natural but just remember that your situation is different now and you deserve to be happy about this baby.

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@VinterKvinna I guess if wonder what had changed and whether

There's a few important points here though.

I'm totally ok with you or others thinking in wrong / stupid / awful and don't intend to defend my personal thoughts because you're not wrong either

If this was someone I didn't really know, is think it and carry on with my life.

If this was someone I was kinda close to is support them without comment or question

If this was someone I was close to is talk to them and check if they were actually ok and what I could do to support them.[/quote]
I think personally, so long as you keep your thoughts to yourself and dont make anyone feel bad then, well we are only human.

I think what you have written is sensible

I think it depends on how I was told. If I could see that you were happy and excited and you told me that you are both happily ready to become parents now, I would be fine. If I couldn't tell how you felt about it, I would probably be worried that it was too soon.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Being totally honest, I’d feel a bit odd about it. I’ve had an abortion myself for similar reasons (poor MH, toddler twins, recent move abroad) but no one knew apart from DH and I as my family are very anti abortion. I then got very broody 3 years later and got pregnant very happily. Our life circumstances were very different at that point and my MH had much improved.

I’d be concerned about the short time frame and how your MH would hold up. In which case I’d make sure you knew you had my full support and offer of practical help but I’d still be concerned.

I'd be happy for you and glad you didn't have a baby when you weren't ready.

Anyone who judges you is a dick, congratulations.