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Original poster

Why are false people so popular?

38 replies

Notfalsenotpopular · 07/02/2021 16:44

I've started watching House of Cards on Netflix and so many of the main characters are duplicitous and unlikeable. It got me thinking about people in everyday life in general. The sort of people who (pre-covid) would greet someone with a hug and kiss and be all over them while slagging them off behind their back. People who can't do enough for you while you are useful to them but drop you like a ton of bricks when they find someone they think is more useful.

I never learned to play these games. I treat everyone the same (close friends and family excepted of course). I'm probably on the spectrum - I score highly on the online tests - but not diagnosed. Maybe this is why I can't be bothered with or unable to play these games. When people have shown their true colours I'm always civil with them afterwards, while others see what I see and are all over them, greeting with hugs and kisses as if nothing has happened, even when they've been upset by the other person.

Has it always been this way or is it getting more common? Am I just unusual that I don't behave in this way?

OP posts:
BangingBetty · 07/02/2021 17:06

I have no idea either! Insecure and scared of bring outside the group? It must be so exhausting to be like that.

thefirstmrsrochester · 07/02/2021 17:19

Rampant insecurity usually. Creation of a false narrative which they then have to put enormous effort into maintaining. I can see it in a person a mile off and truly do not understand why so many others don’t.

Original poster
Notfalsenotpopular · 07/02/2021 17:30

Thinking about insecurity, yes, I think it's a big factor. I know someone who knows they get used (i.e. say they were an accountant, they would do the accounts for free of the owner of a business their child attends, but still pay for their child to go and pay extra for other things). I've noticed that they just let things go rather than make a fuss.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notfalsenotpopular · 07/02/2021 17:33

thefirstmrsrochester I can be quite naive when I meet new people and it's only when they show the first signs of using me or someone else that I realise what they're like. But, I'm always on my guard after that and certainly wouldn't be all over them like a rash.

OP posts:
BangingBetty · 07/02/2021 17:37

To be honest, I wish I could be more like this as I think it makes life easier. But if I think someone is false, talks about people behind their backs, has a dodgy moral code etc, I can't hide it. So, I say something or pull back........it doesn't make you popular!

user141631863 · 07/02/2021 17:41

I don't have much time for those kinds of games either, but more on the basis that my time on earth is limited and I would rather my energy went on developing and experiencing genuine connections with other people than playing petty games and pretending to be something I'm not.

I also have a very low tolerance for being manipulated.

user141631863 · 07/02/2021 17:44

Also, I'm not so sure it's popularity so much as people nodding along for an easy life. The kind of people who behave as you describe can make life difficult for you if they realise you see through them.

Or taking what's useful (e.g. Business networks) and letting all the rest wash over them.

thefirstmrsrochester · 07/02/2021 17:46

It’s the constant getting away with bad behaviour as well, hideous behaviour being tolerated or explained away. The individuals who come to mind here and rarely pulled up on their actions, and when they are all hell breaks lose, and it’s a double whammy of vindictiveness visited on anyone who dares to stand up to them. It’s like they are considered too much trouble to upset. I have only encountered this kind of individual a couple of times in my life but my god, the trouble and damage they have caused, yet somehow manage to come out of it looking like the victim.

boredwiththeoldname · 07/02/2021 17:50

I think I'm quite a lot like you too, OP.

There's been several people I've known over the years who have been the 'life and soul of the party' types and popular with everyone. And I've liked them too, until I've seen the manipulative underbelly and what they are like behind the backs of people who have displeased them in some way. Everybody else falls over themselves wanting to be one of their chosen friends. It is ultimately very difficult when you become the next one in line to fall out of favour.

BangingBetty · 07/02/2021 17:51

thefirstmrerochester - bang on! I can't believe how others let the bad behaviour continue and protect the person. And they always manage to turn themselves into the victim. If it wasnt so destructive (can you tell I have been at the end of this?) it would be awesome to behold.

Original poster
Notfalsenotpopular · 07/02/2021 17:54

BangingBetty sometimes I wish I could be like that too. On the other hand, as user141631863 says, I'd rather have one or two genuine people I can call friends than a whole load of false friends. And I really can't be bothered with playing games.

OP posts:
BangingBetty · 07/02/2021 18:17

Me too. I have some lovely friends - just not many of them! I was part of a couple of groups before but it was all too much for me. I was completely mystified as to why they talked about each other badly and then would go on holiday together......

FatCatThinCat · 07/02/2021 18:23

I don't understand this either. My brother is one. Life and soul of the party, everyone thinks the sun shines out of his arse, very much a Boris Johnson type, and nobody see him the way I see him. I sometimes think I'm living in a parallel universe or something.

One time he turned up at DD's birthday party. She was around 6 ish. He arrived with my parents, walked into the living, saw the buffet set out with the birthday cake in the middle, and scooped a handful out of the middle of it saying 'nice cake'. DD burst into tears, I was furious, but everyone else thought is was funny and he's such a laugh. He's a fucking adult who's just destroyed a child's birthday cake in front of her. Why can't others see the complete shit he actually is?

BangingBetty · 07/02/2021 18:37

It's like we have a special super power for spotting who people really are and not who they say they are. I wish it was eating cake 24hrs a day and losing weight but, having looked at myself in the mirror today, it's not.Wink

Original poster
Notfalsenotpopular · 07/02/2021 18:42

I think that's one of the worst things - how they talk about everyone behind their backs in such a bitchy, horrible way (even men do it) and they're so lovely to their faces.

How anyone can't see through Boris is beyond me! To get to where he has, surely anyone can see he's not just a bumbling oaf.

OP posts:
thefirstmrsrochester · 07/02/2021 18:43

Your brother sounds like a real dick @FatCatThinCat. Takes a special kind of arsehole to get attention and gratification from ruining a 6 year olds birthday cake. Actually, it’s probably more about needing to be the centre of attention, even if upsetting your DD at her party on her birthday was an acceptable (to him) way of means achieving that.

Original poster
Notfalsenotpopular · 07/02/2021 18:57

@fatcatthincat that's truly awful what your brother did. Can't believe they just laughed and nobody punched him.

OP posts:
Icancelledthecheque · 07/02/2021 18:59

The worst job I ever had was in an office with six women who are exactly like you describe. Very small company.

I refused to get involved with drama, bitching, or cliquiness. I can’t stand fake people. I’m very up front and open and tbh I have more male friends than female because you don’t get the same dynamic (generally) with men.

The women in that job all hated me and were quite close on the face of it whilst bitching behind each other’s backs. There was one work group WhatsApp, and several others with one person missing so they could bitch about them!

I left because of it - it was so fake it was untrue. But looking back - all of them were deeply insecure, and one of them I think had serious trauma/abandonment issues, although she’d never admit to it. It’s just quite sad, really.

FatCatThinCat · 07/02/2021 19:02

It's par of the course with him. I have hundreds of examples of other shitty behaviour that other people just brush off. A life time of it. And like you say, the way he talks about other people behind their backs is awful but if I were to tell them, they wouldn't believe me, they'd be angry at me. It's like a cult.

BangingBetty · 07/02/2021 19:07

FatCatThinCat How do you deal with him in your life? Have not much to do with him?

TeamNegan · 07/02/2021 19:07

Thank you for this thread @Notfalsenotpopular. I often feel like I am going mad because in my life I have met many, many fake people that I can see right through and yet others seem to hang off their every word. I had concluded that I was the odd one but perhaps not Grin

I have no desire to pretend I like someone that’s been unpleasant. Civil if necessary but nothing beyond that!

Conundrumofsorts · 07/02/2021 19:11

I think some of us have a good radar for fake, duplicitous people and they attract insecure (sometimes bullying) types. A match made in heaven.

Original poster
Notfalsenotpopular · 07/02/2021 19:18

@Icancelledthecheque I work for myself now but worked in three different company offices over the years. The first was mostly women, the second was about 2/3rds men, the third was mostly women. One and three were toxic. In the third I was bullied by a truly awful woman. She ranked slightly higher than me and had bullied the previous couple of people in my role. Absolutely everyone knew what she was like and what she was doing all the way up to the CEO but they were all absolutely lovely to her and always sided with her. If I hadn't had to work so closely with her I wouldn't have bothered with her at all, other than token greetings and conversation. I took voluntary redundancy as soon as it became available.

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FatCatThinCat · 07/02/2021 19:47

BangingBetty I don't deal with him. I haven't seen him 8 years. Likewise the rest of my family who are not much better. I can't be dealing with their nastiness. I think I must have been adopted or mixed up in the hospital or something.

lljkk · 07/02/2021 20:00

I don't perceive that false people necessarily have more success.

I perceive that confident people are more popular. Confidence is attractive. False people just happen to exploit that.

I went out for a walk with almost teen DS today, who wore a dorky hat. He said he'd feel self conscious, but he has genuine affection for this hat (and it was cold).

We talked about how the most popular boy in his year group wears... a raspberry beret to school. Daily. Yes really. The sort of popularity that makes him popular with everyone including many students in years above.

Why is he the most popular? Because he happily wears a raspberry beret. It's the self-confidence to do that, that makes him popular.