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Original poster

Dh won't even talk about trying for another baby :(

38 replies

ChocolateFrogsandMice · 06/02/2021 19:58

NC.

It's annoying me and getting me down. Our son is 16 months old and I've been broody again since he was about a month old. We're both 31 and getting dh to agree to the 1st baby took a few years, even though we were married. He always wanted all the practical things in place. He's very cautious and always wants things to be 100% ok and enough money for everything. We are very financially comfortable. He always said he wanted 2 (or 3 when I said that's what I wanted!) It was more a matter of when. In the end he agreed to start when we were 29 almost 30. It was his decision to and by then he was happy.

Now it's much harder as he knows what it's like and how hard it is, he won't even talk about a second!! Whenever I bring it up he either gets annoyed and says he's too tired to talk about it or brushes it aside as a joke. I've got him at the point before where he's said he would like another one day but he can't even picture it right now.

It just upsets me as he won't even give me a timeline right now. I'm wondering what I can do to make it more of an attractive prospect for him. We were so lucky to get pregnant quickly with our son and it scares me so much to think we won't have another. It's something I think about every day.

The labour was traumatic which I also think is part of it. But he is also a very involved dad which is amazing and he always goes above and beyond. Our son barely sleeps and never has so I understand why he finds it hard. It has been much easier lately so I find it a shame he still won't even discuss it. I do feel it would be easier if no covid and we had more support!

It's not like dh at all to be like this about something.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

Pillowcase123 · 06/02/2021 20:02

I'm sorry, but he's totally entitled to not want another one or to not want another one now. Would you really want to drag him into something like this against his will? Wouldn't it be better for it to be a time when both people were excited about it,onboard and ready?

Good luck

Original poster

ChocolateFrogsandMice · 06/02/2021 20:08

@Pillowcase123

Good luck

Of course not but it's also not fair to not discuss it or bring it up when he knows how important it is to me.

I dont know what I'd do if I didn't have another. I think it would send me into a deep depression tbh.

OP posts:

MindyStClaire · 06/02/2021 20:08

It sounds like he just isn't ready, and with a baby/young toddler who isn't sleeping well yet, who can blame him. Time is on your side with your age as well, especially since it didn't take long with your son.

Don't even mention it for a few months, then have a gentle conversation when your son is having a good spell.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Original poster

ChocolateFrogsandMice · 06/02/2021 20:13

@MindyStClaire

Don't even mention it for a few months, then have a gentle conversation when your son is having a good spell.

Thank you

OP posts:

Pillowcase123 · 06/02/2021 20:15

A deep depression would be really bad OP. If he is so against opening this conversation, you may need to be prepared that having another one would send him into a deep depression.

I hope that's not the case but I'm not sure spending energy on how to make having another baby more attractive is the way to go here. It has to be his decision in the same way you wanting another one asap is yours.

33goingon64 · 06/02/2021 20:20

You're so young, there's no hurry. I had my first at 33 and second at 37. Have a break from thinking about it for a year and see what happens. Also, a bigger age gap is better for lots of reasons. Do you really want to be running around after a toddler with a new born stuck to your boob? Enjoy your DC. Once you have 2 you have to halve the amount of attention you can give them.

withgraceinmyheart · 06/02/2021 20:22

I think you need to drop it for a while, maybe wait until your older one is sleeping well. Lots of people find it impossible to imagine having a second while still sleep deprived from the first. It might also be the pandemic stressing him out, it's pretty reasonable to want to wait til that's over.

I know it's hard, but try to focus on where your family is at now and let him have some time.

Duckberg · 06/02/2021 20:26

Don't rush him or push him, that's just going to stress him out and make him not want to talk about it more.

You're at a tricky stage of baby/toddler time right now. Add the pandemic and the shitshow the last year has been. Wait a while until things are a bit easier then ask. Leave it 6m or so. How is he supposed to give you a timeline when he doesn't know when he'll be ready.

Teentitansonloop · 06/02/2021 20:30

It sounds like there is a good chance he'll come round eventually. I would try and not mention it for 6 months/year and try and enjoy your son for now.

BlueTimes · 06/02/2021 20:33

I agree that you need to not talk about it for a while, as difficult as that might be. Do you think speaking to a counsellor might help you, especially if you think your DH might decide he doesn’t want anymore children.

I hope it works out for you.

BendingSpoons · 06/02/2021 20:41

I had my first at 29. I couldn't bear the idea of another before she started sleeping through the night. Then I was ready to consider it in the future. We started ttc when DD was just turned two and I got pregnant first month. I wasn't expecting it and was almost panicked I wasn't ready. You are sensible to consider how age impacts your fertility but you are young enough you don't need to panic!

Personally I would focus on the 'here and now' for a bit. You had a traumatic labour, your DD doesn't sleep and life is tough right now. Your DH probably hasn't got a timelines in mind to discuss. Hopefully in 6m or so things might look quite different.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2021 20:44

Your baby is only 16 months old and a terrible sleeper. Now is not the time to pressure him about having another baby. I think you really need to back off and just enjoy being a family of three for a while.

Sceptre86 · 06/02/2021 20:48

We had a similar situation but the roles were reversed. Dh has always wanted 3 and I agreed to that before we got married but said it would depend on what pregnancy and birth was like for me. After two kids with a 15 month age gap, neither slept through till aged 2 and two crappy section experiences I said I was done. He explained how he felt and didn't put pressure on me. He waited till ds was 3 before broaching the topic again , presented the positives and negatives and how he would support me and by that point I had decided that I would have one last roll of the dice if he was still up for it. He never once gave me an ultimatum or resented me.

Your dh should be seen as an equal partner in this decision. It isn't just up to you and as the one who doesn't want a child surely you should respect that decision for now. Would it really come as a surprise that he may not want another if he is sleep deprived and watched you go though a tough labour? He may change his mind as I did but if he doesn't is it worth throwing what you have away?

I think you need to have a sit down conversation and both of you have the chance to air your views.

BBCONEANDTWO · 06/02/2021 20:51

What you have to think is if you were on your own would you want another one? Your DH has every right to his opinion and whether or not he wants another child as much as you.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 06/02/2021 21:00

Totally agree with pps.
Drop the subject. Dont let it become a thing. Give it another 6/12 months.

Onadifferentuniverse · 06/02/2021 21:01

‘ Of course not but it's also not fair to not discuss it or bring it up when he knows how important it is to me.’

That’s the thing though op. It’s not just about you, you don’t seem to be considering this.
Why would you want to pressure someone to have a baby when they have made it clear they’re not even ready to discuss it yet?

Aria2015 · 06/02/2021 21:02

I also agree with previous posters that your best bet is to not mention it for a while and then approach it again in 6 months / 1 year. My DH and I always said we'd have 2 but after a couple of heartbreaking miscarriages before our first, I couldn't even think about a second for the first few years. My DH made it clear he was up for a second but he never pressured me and I came round to the idea on my own when my lo was about 3 and becoming more independent. It doesn't sound like your DH has flat out ruled a second out, it sounds like he's just not ready. So give him some time and enjoy your lo in the meantime.

Bedtimebear40 · 06/02/2021 21:08

You have a 16 month old who doesn't sleep. Don't have another DC now.

Our first baby was a nightmare and it wasn't until 12 months we even considered the possibility of having another and then it wasn't until 16 months we discussed it. Our DS had slept through from 3 months. I wouldn't have considered having another if he wasn't sleeping though. Think about it this way, do you want yo be getting up in the night when your 8 months pregnant?

DittyPL · 06/02/2021 21:11

getting dh to agree to the 1st baby took a few years, even though we were married.

I kinda feel like out of choice he wouldn't have one if it took him years to 'agree', so expecting him to be happy with another as well is probably a big ask. He might know how important another is to you, but I actually think it's better he is honest with you. Sorry it isn't what you want, but if it was the other way round, would you take kindly to someone keep doing a guilt trip?

NameChange30 · 06/02/2021 21:17

"Our son barely sleeps and never has so I understand why he finds it hard."

Sleep train your child. It's a controversial topic, which is a shame, as I think sleep training is beneficial for child and parents.

You absolutely must prioritise sleep and time for yourselves (individually and as a couple) and that will help massively, it did for me.

I always wanted two children, after we had our first and it was very hard, DH was adamant he didn't want another But when sleep improved (we sleep trained) and as time went on, DH softened and he was finally ready after DC1 turned 2.

Original poster

ChocolateFrogsandMice · 07/02/2021 07:28

@NameChange30

"Our son barely sleeps and never has so I understand why he finds it hard."

Sleep train your child. It's a controversial topic, which is a shame, as I think sleep training is beneficial for child and parents.

You absolutely must prioritise sleep and time for yourselves (individually and as a couple) and that will help massively, it did for me.

Sleep training djdnt work for us. Tried it and deeply regretted it. I'm glad it worked for you though.

Thanks all. It has helped to get this off my chest. I'm going to leave it for now, focus on other things and see how things go.

OP posts:

peachypetite · 07/02/2021 07:49

Sort the sleep issues out with the first and then tackle it again.

NameChange30 · 07/02/2021 08:15

Sleep training does work as long as there are no underlying medical issues and you're consistent with it. Would you consider using a sleep consultant? They might be able to help you find a method you are comfortable and confident with.

Sleep is so important for children's development and wellbeing and for parents' sanity.

Bunchup · 07/02/2021 08:21

getting dh to agree to the 1st baby took a few years

So it'll probably take even longer to chivvy him into having another.

Mol1628 · 07/02/2021 08:22

I agree with sleep training. Doesn’t have to be leaving them to cry. When did you last try it? Babies that age change so fast so it’s worth trying again.

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