Dh won't even talk about trying for another baby :(

[ChocolateFrogsandMice]

NC.

It's annoying me and getting me down. Our son is 16 months old and I've been broody again since he was about a month old. We're both 31 and getting dh to agree to the 1st baby took a few years, even though we were married. He always wanted all the practical things in place. He's very cautious and always wants things to be 100% ok and enough money for everything. We are very financially comfortable. He always said he wanted 2 (or 3 when I said that's what I wanted!) It was more a matter of when. In the end he agreed to start when we were 29 almost 30. It was his decision to and by then he was happy.

Now it's much harder as he knows what it's like and how hard it is, he won't even talk about a second!! Whenever I bring it up he either gets annoyed and says he's too tired to talk about it or brushes it aside as a joke. I've got him at the point before where he's said he would like another one day but he can't even picture it right now.

It just upsets me as he won't even give me a timeline right now. I'm wondering what I can do to make it more of an attractive prospect for him. We were so lucky to get pregnant quickly with our son and it scares me so much to think we won't have another. It's something I think about every day.

The labour was traumatic which I also think is part of it. But he is also a very involved dad which is amazing and he always goes above and beyond. Our son barely sleeps and never has so I understand why he finds it hard. It has been much easier lately so I find it a shame he still won't even discuss it. I do feel it would be easier if no covid and we had more support!

It's not like dh at all to be like this about something.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

@peachypetite

Sort the sleep issues out with the first and then tackle it again.

I agree with this. Equally if your baby does start sleeping your husband will find it too hard to then go back to the hideous sleep stage. He owes you a conversation- and I’d tackle bedtime for your LO

You have non-sleeping baby, and we’re in the middle of a global pandemic. Give it six months, and then talk about it again.

I agree with everyone else. Having 2 children is much harder than coping with one.

Work on sorting out your DSs sleep first. I couldn’t have imagined being ready for a second while my DS was still making us wake at night regularly. Now at 2 he sleeps mainly through and we have a little sibling on the way. Still dread going back to sleep deprivation but at least get a stretch of full nights in between! Honestly to me the bad sleep was the most difficult thing about parenting so far. A long with lack of peace and quiet. If your DH is anything like me, talk to him about how you can ensure both still get personal downtime and some peace and quiet regularly.

It's kind of the opposite way round here. After a loss I took a long time to decide I was ready to try again. We then had DS 15 months ago. I suffered with PGP during pregnancy and terrible PND and anxiety after he was born. We wanted 2 but I've said it's unlikely I'll want any more and if I do change my mind it'll be a good while from now.
DH understands my feelings and has never pressured me into a discussion about it before I'm ready.

The thought of having a second in your shoes makes me shudder. Seriously think about it for your own health

Also sleep training will work done properly and under some supervision.

You post doesn't suggest you are jaded by the poor sleep? Who deals with the nights !?

I'd expect your attempts to discuss it are making him shut down. Probably feels like you will keep on persuading him until he agrees once the chat starts.

When you say your go into deep depression - have you experienced MH issues before ? Or do you just mean you'd grieve the idea of not having a second child.

Going against the grain here but I don't think it's ok for him to refuse to talk about it. Both of your feelings are valid.

Could you (once, calmly) talk about talking about it. Like, start by setting a date in a few months when you will come back to the issue, so he knows it won't be coming up all the time. Then you have a conversation now where you agree not to make a decision but to understand each other's point of view so you can think about individually it in the mean time.

tell him it's really important to you to have a second child and deciding not to by default because he won't talk about it is not an option. Tell him you understand his reasons for not thinking about it yet, but also your timeline (eg you want a certain maximum gap between siblings). Get him to explain his actual position rather than you having to guess because he won't discuss- what is he worried about, is he thinking he doesn't want one ever or not just yet, if so what would have to change for him to be ready? Might not even be about your existing dc, could be money/ house/ covid- you won't know unless he tells you.

So Have a conversation now where you agree not to make a decision but both to explain how you feel/ what you are thinking. Then leave the topic alone til the date you have set to reopen the conversation. At that later date you either make a decision or discuss again and set a date to decide.

I was basically your DH for the last 2 years, absolutely no way could I even consider another whereas my husband was always keen for a close age gap. We spoke about it a few times but no pressure from either of us and we just agreed it was a topic we would revisit every now and then. My DS is about to turn 2 and something has just clicked for me recently and now I’d really love a second (I think 😬), but I had to get there in my own time.

I was very similar to your DH. I had a very traumatic first birth and although a relatively ‘good’ baby the thought of another just made me shudder and that is without doing it in a pandemic. 16 months is still really young, enjoy it and don’t get caught up in extending your family when you can enjoy what you have with plenty of time left to add to it. I went back to work at 9 months so sleep trained so I could function at work how many methods have you tried? There are loads it took a couple to find the right fit for our son and at no point was he left screaming the house down. When my little boy turned 3 and I had had some therapy to come to terms with PND and birth trauma I was ready to go again and at 32 got pregnant 6 weeks after my coil came out. There’s almost 4 years to the day between mine and it’s a lovely age gap. I would say your DH is being unreasonable if he won’t talk about it at all but it sounds like there is more to it than that but you are being unreasonable if you are regularly forcing the conversation, have a chat set out a timeframe on it for revisiting it in X months and leave it at that. You say you had a traumatic birth it’s trauma for us going through it but a trauma for those watching too. My mum was my second birth partner with my first and she had to have a birth reflections appointment too as she had found it so traumatic watching me go through it-don’t underestimate the effects of watching a loved one go through something difficult there are really good services that can help address this.

Very easy to say you’d like two or three before having any at all. When a baby comes along the reality is often very different and he’s entitled to change his mind. It would be very unfair to now hold him to two or three.

You need to sort out your sons sleeping before you even consider having another one.

He's only 16 months chill...

He has discussed it. He has told you that he does not want to try for another one now, and not in the near future so any further discussion is not needed.

You cannot force someone to have a child. I firmly believe that in this situation, the person saying no is the one you listen to. Bringing a child into the world when one of their parents does not want it, and has made that clear, is just wrong.

It isnt about you. It is about the child you are trying to have when it isnt wanted. Drop it.

He has spoken about it, and has said no. Discussing it at the moment would be him listening to you try to convince him otherwise, and possibly lay on the guilt, does that sound tempting for him do you think? It is hard when what a couple want doesn't line up, but he isn't going to wake up tomorrow and say yeah alright then, and if he does, it's just to please you, which isn't a good thing.