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Original poster

Has anyone done or is considering doing shared parental leave?

61 replies

Sprockerdilerock · 06/02/2021 09:55

DH and I both work for the civil service and they offer shared parental leave where I can basically donate some of my maternity leave to DH.

I am entitled to a full year off so I was considering taking the first 9 months and then DH doing the final 3. He is very keen!

I think this could work really well for us especially as it would mean me going back to work near the beginning of the financial and reporting year so I could hit the ground running.

However one of my colleagues thinks I'm nuts to take the full year myself but not shed much light on why.

Are there any pitfalls I haven't considered? Or just anyone willing to share their experiences would be amazing!

OP posts:
InsideNumberNine · 06/02/2021 10:01

We did exactly that. I did nine months and DH did the final three. I was working 4 days a week so DH did a KIT day on a Wednesday to earn a bit more.

I would wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone. DH became a much better father for having that time with him, got the responsibility, got the boredom, got the nap battles but got the joys of coffee and cake (he met my NCT group weekly!!) so I only have positive things to say about it.

Imapotato · 06/02/2021 10:02

No, I wouldn’t have given my mat leave to DH. Not even the last few months. I know this sounds selfish, but I know what DH Is like. That time would have been for him to work on his projects not nurture or do anything with the dds. Whenever I was at work and he looked after them he would just do what he wanted and they would just be there. I don’t think he’s ever really done any activities with them. Maybe once actually when made a bird house with dd2.

Maybe your DH would be more proactive and take them to baby groups, soft play and trips to the park, but I know my DH wouldn’t.

BendingSpoons · 06/02/2021 10:08

We did exactly that. It was great. DH is as good at parenting as I am. It meant he had an opportunity to spend lots of 1:1 time with DD and I feel that it was good for a relationship as we had both had a similar experience. I used my accrued leave to work 3 or 4 days a week which was lovely too. In some ways it would have been lovely to be off longer, but I was ready to return and my career took less of a hit having 9m off compared to the 14ish some have with leave. Plus DH was keen to and I wanted him to have that opportunity.

Also I carried on bf until nearly 3. Obviously not for everyone (most!), but returning to work didn't stop that.

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trilbydoll · 06/02/2021 10:12

We didn't do SPL but both times I did 2 weeks of KIT days when dds were about 4mo and DH took holiday. It was really good for him to see the reality of a full day with dc and for me to see the reality of going to work on broken sleep.

I was very much ready to go back to work after 9m both times anyway, I didn't take the 3m unpaid so if DH had taken it I would not have missed out on anything other than paying nursery fees!

icebearforpresident · 06/02/2021 10:12

I did with my first, I had 6 months off and went back to work and DH had 3 months. This was 2014 and the scheme hadn’t been going that long, DH worked for a massive company with tens of thousands of employees and he was the first guy they’d ever had who did it.

For us it was great, after 6 months I was ready to go back to work and DH loved having the time with DD. It made the transition back to work much easier for me as well knowing he was at home with her.

We had discussed it right from when I was pregnant but didn’t make a decision until we had to ITSWIM. As it was though my instinct that I would be bored at home with a baby and no friends nearby was 100% right and I was desperate to go back to work.

pitterpatterrain · 06/02/2021 10:16

We did that with DD2 (wasn’t available with DD1) - I had 8 months and then my DH had 2 months which was fantastic for me getting back into work, and it coincided with summer holidays for DD1 who was at school nursery then

It was great, also meant that we could cut through the issue of me being first responder due to habit from mat leave

I see it more and more now, not always equally split but that men will have more in the realms of 2-4 months off SPL

BendingSpoons · 06/02/2021 10:16

Also just to add, my DH parented differently. Not in a fundamental way, but in small way. I think it helped me not to be the default parent making the decisions on meals, naps etc.

DavidsSchitt · 06/02/2021 10:17

Well there are obviously some people who this suits but no. No way would I have been giving up my maternity leave.

EasterIssland · 06/02/2021 10:18

We did 6 and 6. And I think it was really helpful for both of them

recreationalcalpol · 06/02/2021 10:19

Yes, I took 16 weeks, DH took 14 months in the end. I continued to breastfeed DS until 2.5. It made sense for us for lots of reasons - I outearn DH by more than double and am self employed and I really felt like I needed to keep my career going at a crucial time.

Due DC2 in may and we will take 6 months each this time.

Start as you mean to go on in my view - as equal parents.

ShirleyPhallus · 06/02/2021 10:20

We did exactly this and it’s been brilliant. But DH is a very hands on dad and we both have complete trust in each other.

It’s also been good for me to be back at work and see his perspective of having worked, missing our girl etc etc.

It also made financial sense to do it because I wouldn’t have full paid maternity leave for the year whereas doing it this way he got paid for the months he did.

BullshitVivienne · 06/02/2021 10:20

We did with my first, because I had recently started a new job and I felt bad to be taking time off. It meant that my partner had a much better appreciation of the challenges - and he became a more hands on father as a result.

ShirleyPhallus · 06/02/2021 10:21

@BendingSpoons

Also just to add, my DH parented differently. Not in a fundamental way, but in small way. I think it helped me not to be the default parent making the decisions on meals, naps etc.
Yes I agree with this too. It also made me more relaxed about not feeling like I was making all the decisions and doing all the “wife work”
pitterpatterrain · 06/02/2021 10:21

I see me and DH as equal parents and SPL helps that - we didn’t realise at the time how flexible it can be so maybe with reflection we would have done it slightly differently (I think you can take time at the same time)

I used to travel a lot pre-Covid so for us both we need to be equally comfortable parenting our DC

pitterpatterrain · 06/02/2021 10:24

Shirley good point on the finances, as DH was off we got more money overall as we tapped into his firms parental leave, whereas mine stopped at around 6-7 months if I recall

SpikeDearheart · 06/02/2021 10:25

Yes, I took 8 months then he took 4. It was excellent. I was able to get back into the swing of work without worrying about nursery drop offs, sick days etc, and DH really understood what it was like to be the at-home parent. It's been brilliant for equal parenting so far.

bluechameleon · 06/02/2021 10:25

We did with both DC. DC1 I took 7 months and DH took 5 months. DC2 I liked my job less and he was less enthusiastic to have time off (knew it would be harder work with 2 DC!) so I did 10 months and he did 2. I am really surprised that so few people do it. I don't know anyone else who did. Why wouldn't you want your DH/DP to be an equal parent? If they never have to do it on their own, or only on odd days here and there, it is much harder for them to get it.

purpledagger · 06/02/2021 10:59

We did 6 and 6.

I'm the higher earner, so it made sense from a financial perspective.

My OH has always been 50:50 with the children anyway and I think it was great for OH and the children to spend that time together.

DreamyDreamer333 · 06/02/2021 11:01

Not a chance in hell that I'd give my mat leave to dh. I'm the one that's went through the huge emotional and physical upheaval and for me mat leave is a form of recovery from this. Don't make any decisions on this until the last possible moment as you don't know how you will be feeling after the birth. I suffered from pnd after having DC and I needed almost 2 years before I felt ready to return to work.

lingo · 06/02/2021 11:02

Fellow civil servant here (DH not) and with both our DCs I took the first 9 months and he took the last 3 as SPL. Absolutely worked for both of us, straight forward with our employers and my DH loved his time off.

OkyDoke · 06/02/2021 11:02

We are doing 5 months and he will take 4. Again, higher earner so I need to get back to work!

lingo · 06/02/2021 11:10

And for those saying they wouldn't give their mat leave to DH, that's not the point, it's Shared Parental Leave the OP is talking about.

Kpo58 · 06/02/2021 11:16

Didn't do shared maternity leave because
1/ I don't understand how it works financially
2/ I don't know if I could have afforded it
3/ it wasn't offered

zaffa · 06/02/2021 11:18

We didn't do it, but DH did take voluntary redundancy when DD was about seven months old and spent three months at home with us and so I returned to work when she was almost months old and lost the last two months to increase my earnings. (Once annual leave was added in) Whilst he wasn't alone with DD day in and out, he got so much one on one time with her and the bond between them is beautiful. It's very clear that she doesn't see him as a secondary carer but very much a primary and goes to him as much as she does to me. We still have our separate purposes to her (he is the bringer of milk and the bath companion and I'm the rocker to sleep) but because he is training to be a teacher and working in a school he has much shorter hours and so has managed to maintain that bond when he's gone back to work. I would absolutely recommend it but if you can arrange to both be off at the same time it's even better.

zaffa · 06/02/2021 11:22

Almost 11 months old

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